To really not understand school mum behaviour?

[Mariettamayday]

I'll start by saying, I'm not really looking for more friends, particularly as my DD is now in year 6 but I can't help but still be baffled by school mum behaviour after all these years.

Here are some examples -

1. The way people act like best friends on the whatsapp group yet have never spoken in real life.

1. The way I will invite over/help someone out and they will be ever so grateful but then the next week go back to never speaking to me again. This is probably the worst feeling.

1. People are so moody/strange - one day they will say hi, the next they will walk past you like they don't even know you.

There are probably loads more examples.

I am a friendly person but I don't think I will ever understand the way people behave in the playground. I'm glad it's my DD's last year as I just find the behaviour so strange.

Is it just me?? I hope not.

I actually dress to match how sociable I’m feeling that day! Unsociable: hood up, sunnies on, phone in hand… Sociable: head up, eyes up. Oh and I never take anything personally. School run is stressful (both my boys have SEN, some mornings are fine, others are a total shitshow), and I’ve often worked non stop between morning and afternoon runs.

I could be one of those you describe. Trust me it’s just people being in their own bubbles, which can change daily, at a stressful time of day.

I think its quite hard to balance actually. I want to be a lovely, friendly, helpful school mum. But I also don't really want to be friends with the other mums.

Probably very insecure about themselves. Also it's not hard to acknowledge someone, there are lot of people that are just weird I'm afraid

I think that school gates is one of these rare places where you mix with a wide range of people you might not normally cross paths with.

Even in workplaces, you tend to find people like you because certain industries attract a similar type of person.

I work in a very sociable industry, so I find it weird that the general population is less chatty/ outgoing.

also think there's nowt as queer as folk!

Yes it's weird. You wonder how they function at work.

The not smiling, and being friendly one day and ignoring you the next, is almost certainly that they haven’t noticed you. DS’s friends always yell “hello DS’s Mum!” and I am always surprised because I have never noticed them. Usually checking my emails as I walk, or wondering whether I’ll make the 9:15 train or not. There are s tonne of people around at drop off, you are bound to miss some of them.

I find it easier to chat in the Whatgroup for the same reason - I can see what the topic is and who I’m responding to. Half the time of the parent isn’t with their child I am not entirely sure who’s mum they are, and I never want to interrupt existing discussions.

I have absolutely no ill will towards any of the school mums, they have all been lovely so far. I can’t say I am always Mrs Chatty, but it isn’t because I don’t like them.

I've had this. And I've now developed a really thick skin. I'm literally...no eye contact, no smiles, greetings. Drop off. Go. Best thing I ever did.

My experience of school mums is definitely don't take things to heart, have a thick skin. My experience from being a Mum of two is ;
Be open and willing to chat
Don't overthink things
Swerve the cliques
Don't get dragged into gossip
Say hi to the outsider mum, she's the one who will be your mate
Know it will pass x

I think this happens partly because social norms have become really fractured, and a lot of normative social etiquette no longer exists.

It's like walking by someone in the street in a village, vs the big city. In the village you probably say hi or nod, in the city, you ignore each other.

But once you are in the place where you ignore people, it becomes very weird to know when not to ignore them.

I sort of know what you mean OP. When I first did school run in reception year I thought people would thaw once I got to know them. Did a birthday party in week 4, chatted to mums, next school run i was back to standing alone.

Now been doing it for 5 years and am not bothered. I chat to the 2 or 3 friendly ones if they seem up for it. I do understand that it's very wearing to do small talk with the same people every single bloody day for 7 years! Like bill Murray in groundhog day!

I've never really done the school run. My kids take the bus to school and I work - as do lots of other parents.

So if this drama exists in our school I'm oblivious to it.

Does it really matter? You said you aren't looking for playground friends anyway?

I'm not in the class WhatsApp group, problem solved

Totally agree …absolutely bloody hated it !! Drop off and run would be my advice .

People are so moody/strange - one day they will say hi, the next they will walk past you like they don't even know you.

I am guilty of this but I don't do it on purpose - there are a hundred parents and two hundred children milling about and we are usually running late, and I just don't take in most of the faces. If you address me by name with a hearty "Hi TheYearOfSmallThings" I will always be happy to see you, but otherwise I probably won't pick you out of the crowd unless you are in your usual place in the line.

Yes I think as @HauntedPencil says, you’re just throwing together tens of parents who have nothing in common other than they have children the same age and live vaguely in the same area.

Some will find others they have a natural affinity to and become friends. Some people will be rude people. Some will be socially awkward. Some will be perfectly pleasant but busy people who don’t want to chat at length to people who they aren’t going to make friends with.

I don’t find it that different to work settings I’ve been in. I’ve made work friends, true friendships that have lasted beyond work and also met plenty of people I have nothing in common with but will be perfectly pleasant to … and a few whose presence I hate to be in.

The only added complication with school groups is that you have your child to think of too - so either you have to force yourself to spend time with a family you don’t like, to foster a natural friendship between the children, or you try and engineer friendships with your child and the children of parents you get on with. A lot of us do a bit of both.

I think a lot is the luck of the draw. I rarely did the school run with either dc, but used to see parents at parties. Most people round here had grown up with each other or knew each other. I came from over the hill, so was a stranger.

Dc1 parents were all pretty friendly and chatty and I made some good friends.

Dc2's class was fucking nuts. Parents were a mixed bag. Definitely no cliques, because parents barely spoke. I'm friends with some on fb, mainly for ease of organising stuff. There are a couple who are mice in real life, but lions on fb; lots of "who do they think there are.... I'm going to....."posts and posts about snakes etc.

I really couldnt care less about the school gate mums. My kids are now at high school thank goodness. I have kept in touch with two school gate mums because I genuinely liked them. I was always perfectly friendly with the others but under no illusion that we were ever friends. In many cases the only thing we had in common was that we all had sex at round about the same time which resulted in a pregnancy, let’s face it. Some have tried to befriend me on social media since my youngest left primary and I’ve declined. Whatever little we did have in common has now passed.

School gate relationships are five minutes at the start and end of the day why some people are so invested in the politics I have no idea. Spend time with your real friends and don’t give it a moments thought. You’ll feel so much better.

Yes this is exactly how I found it. Thinking you’d connected with someone a little bit then they blank you. I once smiled and said hi to a group of mums that had formed that lived down my road and saw us leave the house every morning. Cold stares from all 3 of them! It was creepy.

One mum literally waiting for me at the end of the road for a chat if she had childcare needs she wanted me to fulfill but blanking me on days she didn’t.

I eventually couldn’t be arsed and just went in with earphones in, listening to something interesting while I waited.

I’ve given up on it now - keep to myself. One or two power players with secret cliques, I haven’t the energy anymore. I know that for one of them - I’m just not rich enough and bring nothing to the table (she’s super into rich people and what you can do for her in terms of connections).

Moving out of London in august - excited to meet a new bunch of people. (Moving not because of this - more of a kids got into a different school)

Some people just have no social skills.

I have come across some seriously odd/rude people through school. I have also come across seriously odd/rude people through my volunteering, at work, in the supermarket, in local community Facebook groups etc etc etc.

Thing is, most people are not told that joining the local running club will mean you have an immediate pool of new besties, yet people think that as soon as their child starts school, every other parent in the class will instantly become a bosom buddy.

Oh God here we go again. Every week there's a post on here about "bitchy, cliquey school mums".

I honestly find your perspective (and those of the other people who post similar) utterly bizarre and quite self-centred.

School mums are just like any other human beings. They are busy, stressed, juggling lots of things. They may find being "always on" exhausting. Sometimes they can manage a smile or a chat, sometimes they can't. Sometimes they are running to catch a train or feeling depressed. Sometimes they are very introverted and find social interaction extremely difficult and draining. They are allowed to not be on peak performance all the time. They are human and it's not personal.

I actually find it more bizarre that people seem to have this sense of entitlement to consistently friendly behaviour from other school mums simply by virtue of the fact that your kids are at school together. Why do you expect everyone to have to include you in absolutely everything? No one should be actively rude to another parent but you're not automatically entitled to be best friends with everyone who has kids in the same class as you.

I think its very significant that these posts are rarely addressed at work colleagues or other commuters. They are specifically addressed at "school mums". Because other mums are expected to be all inclusive people pleasers all the time because they are women.

School mums are just people and we can't be expected to deal with all your social wish fulfilment or manage your anxieties for you. That's on you.

That's a sensible and insightful post. I appreciate you sharing your thoughts as it helps me (autistic) to understand why other people behave the way they do.

I'm autistic and at pickup I feel like a mud monster who's dragged herself out of a swamp and is standing dripping on the tarmac, only able to produce some kind of gutteral gurgle.
I have maybe 2 people I can talk to, and one I actively avoid.

Yes I find number 2 so true - I'll sometimes sit by parents at a party on the weekend chatting for two hours, then see them the next day and they don't even acknowledge me. It's all very strange! Thankfully there are no school Whatsapp groups for my children, I can't imagine being on one.

I think what people don’t realise is that most people are socially awkward to a degree. School mum friendships are odd because they’re sort of transient and coincidental, not the same as real friends or even co-workers who you spend hours with every day. You only see school mums at drop off and pick up, so you see them ‘regularly’ enough to ‘know’ them but not for long enough to build up a proper rapport. It’s all a bit awkward really.