Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP not to bother coming home

376 replies

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:38

My partner went out just before midday today for a coffee with a couple of mates, said he would be back in a couple of hours. Fast forward to 6pm, no sign of him, messaged asking when is he coming home and I'll start making tea. No reply. I phoned multiple times as it's not like him to not message me through the day when we're apart, never got a response.

I ended up messaging his friend who he went out with, asking if he was ok and if he knew where he was. His friend told me that he'd gone home, but my partner had stayed out with his other friend, and gone to watch the football.

I messaged my partner to say thanks for letting me know what you're doing, basically told him how pissed off I was, he eventually replied a nonsensical message so obviously drunk. I said to him if he was drunk he needn't bother coming home. His reply was "i'm sorry I'll stay out then".

Bearing in mind I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby. I am absolutely furious. He has done this once before when I was pregnant, and promised me he would never do it again. He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days.

AIBU to tell him to stay with his friend and not bother coming home? We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow but I'm too angry to spend it with him now.

OP posts:
BustyLaRoux · 30/04/2023 22:31

I used to have a DH who pulled shit like this. I hope you have somewhere you can sleep in another room as no one wants to sleep next to someone drunk who snores/stinks. Try to get some sleep. Have a nice day with you and your DD tomorrow. Don’t let his behaviour spoil another day. Leave him to his own devices and make sure he knows how hurt you are. It’s not OK for one parent to just abandon their parenting responsibilities like this. Not without prior agreement. Or as a bare minimum letting you know his plans had changed and asking if you minded. He didn’t even have the decency to call you! I would be expecting some serious making amends behaviour from him for the next week and a promise never to do this again. Good luck. I hope you. An salvage a nice day for yourself and your lovely baby tomorrow xx

Mindovermatter247 · 30/04/2023 22:34

The staying out wouldn’t have bothered me, the no communication however would have pissed me right off.. it’s not hard to call or text that your staying out, especially for those usually glued to thier phones.

Original poster
rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 22:35

I have left him a note explaining that I am spending the day with DD tomorrow. My worry is that his reaction will be "I was drunk, it's not a big deal". I've been in tears on and off all night, just feeling very lonely and like he doesn't really care.

OP posts:
Climbles · 30/04/2023 22:37

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2023 21:14

Do you communicate with your DH? Do you both agree to the plans so that someone is happy to look after the DC?

Do you say when and where you're going and do you come back when you say you will?

Does your DH have to clear up after you if you come back paralytic?

And if does that because he's worried about a bollocking then he's even more pathetic

Show quote history

We do communicate but my DH knows I’m not going to kick off if he decides to make a night of it. We don’t always plan things. I think her DH is definitely in the wrong for his behaviour but she does sound a bit over the top too. Claiming that he doesn’t want to spend time with his family because he went out for a drink suggests to me that she is not very accommodating of him wanting to blow off some steam.

Americano75 · 30/04/2023 22:37

My ex husband used to pull shit like this all the time. One of the many reasons he is an ex.

I hope his hangover is a belter, hell mend him.

CJsGoldfish · 30/04/2023 22:39

Or is she still overreacting?
I don't see it as being about overreacting. OP can decide what works for her and what doesn't. Biggest problem here is giving an empty ultimatum. "Don't come home if you're drunk". He agreed, OP is upset because she didn't really want him to.
If you're not going to follow through, don't bother. All it does it tell him that it's an empty threat. He now knows the OP doesn't mean what she says. Shit men will abuse that knowledge. Empty threats just make it worse.

She's right to stick to her guns?
But she didn't. 🤷‍♀️

Americano75 · 30/04/2023 22:39

BustyLaRoux · 30/04/2023 22:31

I used to have a DH who pulled shit like this. I hope you have somewhere you can sleep in another room as no one wants to sleep next to someone drunk who snores/stinks. Try to get some sleep. Have a nice day with you and your DD tomorrow. Don’t let his behaviour spoil another day. Leave him to his own devices and make sure he knows how hurt you are. It’s not OK for one parent to just abandon their parenting responsibilities like this. Not without prior agreement. Or as a bare minimum letting you know his plans had changed and asking if you minded. He didn’t even have the decency to call you! I would be expecting some serious making amends behaviour from him for the next week and a promise never to do this again. Good luck. I hope you. An salvage a nice day for yourself and your lovely baby tomorrow xx

I promise I didn't copy your 'pulled shit' line! Great minds.

thisismyworld · 30/04/2023 22:41

Hide the paracetamol, use the last bit of milk and teabags. Hide the remote and take the fuse out of the router. Make his day tomorrow shite. Get yourself ready and take DD out for the day, I'd send one message saying you've gone out and that's it. Go out for your tea and don't cook him a thing. Once you've got a clear head and had time away then talk to him. Tell him he was so drunk you had to man handle into bed. Having a drink isn't a bad thing, getting so drunk that he's in this state is!!!

CustardySergeant · 30/04/2023 22:44

I've got a horrible feeling that if the OP goes out tomorrow she's going to return to a house covered in vomit and maybe more. What a repulsive man.

EasterBreak · 30/04/2023 22:44

Yabu op. Overdramatic much.

Rosula · 30/04/2023 22:47

Why did you carry him up to bed? I'd have left him on the kitchen floor, preferably with newspapers around in case he throws up.

brunettemic · 30/04/2023 22:49

EasterBreak · 30/04/2023 22:44

Yabu op. Overdramatic much.

Yep!

LizzieSiddal · 30/04/2023 22:50

YANBU

Hes a scumbag doing that to you when your sat at home expecting him back much earlier.

Do go out tomorrow and leave him to it. And going forward he needs to sort himself out re drinking, he probably needs to get help if he can’t go out for a few drinks without getting paralytic at the same time as telling people he’s teetotal. what a wanker!

5128gap · 30/04/2023 22:51

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 22:35

I have left him a note explaining that I am spending the day with DD tomorrow. My worry is that his reaction will be "I was drunk, it's not a big deal". I've been in tears on and off all night, just feeling very lonely and like he doesn't really care.

You feel lonely and like he doesn't care because from the moment he lost control of his drinking (probably after the first one) you were alone and he didn't care. Drinking changes your husband into a stranger who will let you down, not care how his baby is doing, whether you can manage, whether you get to lose your day out. He's a different person when he drinks. The only way you get your 'real' husband is if he stays teetotal.

RampantIvy · 30/04/2023 22:53

brunettemic · 30/04/2023 22:49

Yep!

Show quote history

Blimey. You two have a very low bar Hmm
The OP is two months post partum. I find her DP's behaviour completely unacceptable. It's depressing that there are women like you who think this is OK.

billy1966 · 30/04/2023 22:55

OP, it sounds like he has an alcohol problem.

Off it, and then binging.

Reach out to your family for support.

This is not a great environment for you or your child.

Confusion101 · 30/04/2023 22:55

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 22:35

I have left him a note explaining that I am spending the day with DD tomorrow. My worry is that his reaction will be "I was drunk, it's not a big deal". I've been in tears on and off all night, just feeling very lonely and like he doesn't really care.

He's right, getting drunk isn't a big deal, nor is going out with friends, but that's not what he is at fault for. If he tries to say that you need to explain that it's not getting drunk, it's the fact he said he was going for a coffee, didn't come home, ended up in a pub, didn't let you know and had to be carried home while you were left at home all day with your baby.

In the future he needs to plan the pints, or if these spontaneous plans do end up happening to have the respect and decency to let you know he's going to be out longer than expected and his plans have changed! Ask him how he would've felt if you had done what he had done.

youtwoandme · 30/04/2023 22:56

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 22:35

I have left him a note explaining that I am spending the day with DD tomorrow. My worry is that his reaction will be "I was drunk, it's not a big deal". I've been in tears on and off all night, just feeling very lonely and like he doesn't really care.

Because he doesn't give a shit!! What a disgusting state to come home to you and your baby in. And for him to not even have the decency to contact you telling you he's staying out is unacceptable and so disrespectful.
He will be sorry tomorrow only because he's hungover and feeling sorry for himself!!!

Azerothi · 30/04/2023 22:56

Disgusting behaviours aside, I would wonder why your boyfriend doesn't want to spend the day with his daughter even if he doesn't want to spend the day with you OP.

Dymaxion · 30/04/2023 22:58

Biggest problem here is giving an empty ultimatum. "Don't come home if you're drunk". He agreed, OP is upset because she didn't really want him to.

Biggest problem here is regardless of any ultimatum, someone else had to drop him off at home absolutely steaming drunk. Nobody else wanted him as their responsibility in that state, which is completely understandable. He wasn't capable enough to be able to stay away even though he agreed he would.

MaryPoppinsHat · 30/04/2023 22:58

RampantIvy · 30/04/2023 22:53

Blimey. You two have a very low bar Hmm
The OP is two months post partum. I find her DP's behaviour completely unacceptable. It's depressing that there are women like you who think this is OK.

Show quote history

I am so glad you said that @RampantIvy
I was literally thinking to myself, how low is the bar that a man is so drunk has to be physically lifted home by friends, particularly when his wife is two months pp.

If it was me, I would pack my things and head to parents/ friends for a few days. Long enough for him to recover from the hangover, and be well enough to clear up any vomit/ other bodily fluids!

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 30/04/2023 22:58

5128gap · 30/04/2023 22:51

You feel lonely and like he doesn't care because from the moment he lost control of his drinking (probably after the first one) you were alone and he didn't care. Drinking changes your husband into a stranger who will let you down, not care how his baby is doing, whether you can manage, whether you get to lose your day out. He's a different person when he drinks. The only way you get your 'real' husband is if he stays teetotal.

Show quote history

Suddenly I'm understanding the earlier posters who said the OP's DP has an alcohol problem.

If he can't stop at one, even when his drinking affects his ability to parent, he has a problem. He needs to develop enough spine to tell his mates that he's not drinking at all. It takes a strong man to resist that peer pressure. That's his problem though, not the OP's.

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2023 22:59

brunettemic · 30/04/2023 22:49

Yep!

Show quote history

So him coming back steaming drunk and incapable is ok is it?

He has ruined their weekend. I just hope he has the hangover from hell

DoughnutDreams · 30/04/2023 22:59

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 22:35

I have left him a note explaining that I am spending the day with DD tomorrow. My worry is that his reaction will be "I was drunk, it's not a big deal". I've been in tears on and off all night, just feeling very lonely and like he doesn't really care.

It doesn't matter whether he thinks it's a big deal. It is for you (rightly so!) It's not the contract you made, nor the life you want for yourself or your child. You both deserve so much better.

flowerchop · 30/04/2023 23:02

I'd be angry too! Especially with a 2 month old, since it was so unexpected and no communication ! But since it's not a regular occurrence and it isn't quite late late hours (unless he isn't home still) then I would express your anger when he's home but still try to enjoy the day tomorrow. Also explain how unacceptable the lack of communication is. If he doesn't get that, then there's an obvious misunderstanding of expectations

Swipe left for the next trending thread