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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP not to bother coming home

376 replies

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:38

My partner went out just before midday today for a coffee with a couple of mates, said he would be back in a couple of hours. Fast forward to 6pm, no sign of him, messaged asking when is he coming home and I'll start making tea. No reply. I phoned multiple times as it's not like him to not message me through the day when we're apart, never got a response.

I ended up messaging his friend who he went out with, asking if he was ok and if he knew where he was. His friend told me that he'd gone home, but my partner had stayed out with his other friend, and gone to watch the football.

I messaged my partner to say thanks for letting me know what you're doing, basically told him how pissed off I was, he eventually replied a nonsensical message so obviously drunk. I said to him if he was drunk he needn't bother coming home. His reply was "i'm sorry I'll stay out then".

Bearing in mind I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby. I am absolutely furious. He has done this once before when I was pregnant, and promised me he would never do it again. He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days.

AIBU to tell him to stay with his friend and not bother coming home? We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow but I'm too angry to spend it with him now.

OP posts:
LouBaloo · 30/04/2023 23:04

I don’t understand why he says he’s tee total if he binge drinks. He said he was going out for coffee then ends up really drunk, I’m sorry OP I couldn’t put up with that, he’s a binge drinker. It’s the lack of consideration for the OP whose only had a baby 8 weeks ago.

I’ve never lived or been married to someone who binge drinks, goes down the pub or gets pissed so perhaps I have a different outlook? I wouldn’t want to be having to deal with someone whose drunk tbh, the smell, the behaviour, the slurring of words would give me the ick.

Mumof3confused · 30/04/2023 23:05

Clearly he has a drinking problem if he lets you down because of his drinking. Don’t listen to those saying you’re being unreasonable. He’s ruined your day today and tomorrow, too. What kind of person thinks this is ok when you have a 2-month-old at home?

ChillysWaterBottle · 30/04/2023 23:10

YANBU OP. You poor thing. His behaviour is absolutely atrocious. Stand firm and do not let him downplay it tomorrow - I promise you this is far from normal or acceptable behaviour (ignore the weirdos on this thread saying otherwise). I'd be utterly furious and rethinking the relationship.

Congrats on your lovely new baby and I hope happier times are ahead for you x

mindutopia · 30/04/2023 23:12

I’m sorry op. This is really rubbish and disrespectful and very unfair on you and your dd.

Can you imagine if a mum with a 2 month old baby left the baby at home with her partner to pop out for a coffee with friends and had to be carried home basically unconscious 10 hours later, unable to care for her baby all night and likely sleeping/vomiting through the day after? People would say she has a serious issue with alcohol.

HernamewasNOLA · 30/04/2023 23:13

YANBU and I’m shocked by some of the posters here. You have a tiny baby and he’s not stuck to the plan. I wouldn’t be annoyed about DH going out drinking or even him coming home off his face if he had let me know that he was planning on getting pissed. But to say he’s going for a coffee and then not reply to your messages when he’s out longer than usual is disgusting.

ImustLearn2Cook · 30/04/2023 23:17

@rhaenyra01 💐💐💐No wonder you are teary and upset. You deserve to be loved and respected and treated so much better than this. Do you have some supportive family or friends you can spend some time with?

monsteramunch · 30/04/2023 23:18

mindutopia · 30/04/2023 23:12

I’m sorry op. This is really rubbish and disrespectful and very unfair on you and your dd.

Can you imagine if a mum with a 2 month old baby left the baby at home with her partner to pop out for a coffee with friends and had to be carried home basically unconscious 10 hours later, unable to care for her baby all night and likely sleeping/vomiting through the day after? People would say she has a serious issue with alcohol.

This! She would be absolutely vilified and people would tell her she needed to seek help and treatment.

I'm baffled as to why having a penis seems to make this in any way acceptable behaviour.

AngryPrincess · 30/04/2023 23:26

Well, he’ll be useless with the baby, and he’s going to quite probably vomit, then be useless with the hangover, so why would you want him home at this point?

Somethingwicked9 · 30/04/2023 23:29

Mum
of two here I think the main point here is your baby is only 2 months old this is the most vulnerable stage of your life Youl ever feel ! Anyone to say otherwise is obviously not a mother or through old to remember what this stage feels like you’ve put your body threw hell and it’s all so new and he thinks that’s a good idea at this moment to go out and get drunk and just not bother telling you ? Totally unacceptable regardless of anyone been fine with their husband drinking and disappearing doing it this close after you’ve just given birth is a no go

IWantRebeccasConfidence · 30/04/2023 23:29

I would have reacted the same. You have a newborn and he told you he was only going for a coffee and then didn’t respond and then came home paralytic. Of course you are upset! Have a lovely day tomorrow in the sunshine and leave him to his hangover.

Wheresthebeach · 30/04/2023 23:34

Giselletheunicorn · 30/04/2023 19:49

I'd be absolutely livid if my DH left me for 8 hours with a tiny baby whilst he went out a spontaneous all-day bender with mates. I'm shocked that many of the posters on here don't think that's out of order. It's selfish, juvenile behaviour and shows a complete lack of consideration.

Absolutely this!

Cornishclio · 30/04/2023 23:37

He is not teetotal obviously. I am not surprised you are annoyed and upset. I would be too and would be tempted to leave him caring for the baby while you take yourself out for the day although I am not sure you can trust him. He sounds immature and you should treat this as a massive wake up call that you and your baby are not his priorities. He is selfish. I hope you manage to have a nice day anyway and no way would I have put him to bed. Leave him to his own devices.

Violetcrush · 30/04/2023 23:48

He only popped out and now he’s out out!

Jadebanditchillipepper · 30/04/2023 23:54

That's not really the pint though, is it?

OldFan · 30/04/2023 23:56

He's not acted well @rhaenyra01 Sad

I think his 'teetotal'ness is because he knows he's a problem/binge drinker.

IncompleteSenten · 01/05/2023 00:01

It's just not on.

Fair enough to go out but if you change your plans it is common courtesy to update your partner!

My husband used to do this. It made me so angry. All I wanted was to be informed if he was planning to stay out
Not have him ignore me and act like I was controlling.

It's just polite to let someone who is expecting you at a certain time that you arent going to be there.

How many people would arrange to go see a friend then just not bother and act like the friend was controlling if they were pissed off?

How can it be right to treat your partner with less consideration than you'd treat anyone else?

Re the coming home drunk I can't beat my mother for that. The one and only time my dad got legless his mates brought him home, laughing like it was a big joke. My mum pointed at the garden and said to them you can leave him there. He's not coming in in that state. And shut the door on them. He never did it again.

Sexisthairdressers · 01/05/2023 00:14

You're right to be furious. The fact he did not contact you. The fact you had to contact this friend to see if he was ok. The fact you've got a two month old and are looking after them alone. The fact your plans for tomorrow are up the spout. I'd be furious, too.

CJsGoldfish · 01/05/2023 00:27

Biggest problem here is regardless of any ultimatum, someone else had to drop him off at home absolutely steaming drunk. Nobody else wanted him as their responsibility in that state, which is completely understandable. He wasn't capable enough to be able to stay away even though he agreed he would
The OP needed to stand firm, tell them that no, they weren't bringing him home. Lock the doors and go to bed. Not agree and then carry him to bed. Even leaving him on the floor where he fell in the house would have been better.
Now, her words mean even less than they did before. He'll wake up in his own bed despite the OP telling him not to come home.
Empty ultimatums make it so much worse.

TupperJen · 01/05/2023 00:28

Can you go out tomorrow with baby all day? Family/friends? Definitely don't be pandering to his hangover, leave him to it.

Then serious discussion is needed (when he's sober). I'd be suggesting that you need some space to think about whether this is a relationship that works for you and your daughter... ask him to move out for a week to give you some time to think on it all, not breaking up, but getting the point across that this is relationship-ending behaviour.

mathanxiety · 01/05/2023 00:35

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 22:35

I have left him a note explaining that I am spending the day with DD tomorrow. My worry is that his reaction will be "I was drunk, it's not a big deal". I've been in tears on and off all night, just feeling very lonely and like he doesn't really care.

If he tries to use drunkeness as an excuse, tell him it's not an excuse, it's the problem.

I'd be re-evaluating the relationship over this. He's clearly a man who prioritises drinking over all of his responsibilities.

Ohow · 01/05/2023 00:36

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 22:35

I have left him a note explaining that I am spending the day with DD tomorrow. My worry is that his reaction will be "I was drunk, it's not a big deal". I've been in tears on and off all night, just feeling very lonely and like he doesn't really care.

Have you left him alone? Is he in the recovery position?

Blondewithredlips · 01/05/2023 00:41

Giselletheunicorn · 30/04/2023 19:49

I'd be absolutely livid if my DH left me for 8 hours with a tiny baby whilst he went out a spontaneous all-day bender with mates. I'm shocked that many of the posters on here don't think that's out of order. It's selfish, juvenile behaviour and shows a complete lack of consideration.

This

Ponderingwindow · 01/05/2023 01:34

When he is sober and you discuss this you need to be very clear on the issues at hand

he left you caring for your shared child past the agreed time and without communication

he got so drunk as to be incapacitated

dont let him try to turn it into a discussion or how it is ok for him to have a night out and for most people to have a few drinks.

Of course he can have a night out if he has arranged for you to be primary parent.

He can drink, but he has is an adult and should be able to stop before he can’t take care of himself anymore. If he can’t, then he needs to consider whether or not drinking is the right choice for him.

Kennykenkencat · 01/05/2023 02:19

I think you should have stuck to your guns and told his friends you don’t want him home in that state.
They got drunk with him so they deal with him

Even if they got him home I wouldn’t have attempted to put him to bed. He would have remained in the hallway with a bucket and bin bags to line the floor
I wouldn’t have had him in my bed in that state.

I think a big conversation is called for and he needs to work out why he lies not only to you but more worryingly to himself.

He seems to be too immature to be in a relationship. It all sounds like he is some teenager staying out and drinking and not going home to mummy, ignoring her phone and texts and when he does go home he is so paralytic that mummy has to put him to bed.I don’t know about other times he has done this but did he blame the state he got into on who ever or what ever circumstances he found himself in

I would say that is a huge red flag and goes hand in hand with the lies he tells himself. Supposed to be teetotal! Even if you only had a sherry at Christmas it wouldn’t make you teetotal.

He needs to do a lot of growing up and decide what he actually wants.

you have an actual baby
You don’t need another in the form of a grown adult pulling you back.

ThreeLocusts · 01/05/2023 02:24

There's a German expression, Quartalssaeufer, quarterly drunk, to describe people with an alcohol problem but who don't drink constantly. Instead they have these infrequent benders when they drink to oblivion. Your DH sounds this type.

It's a shitty shitty situation. He's got to become actually teetotal or else you'll lose all respect. I hope he sorts himself out. 🌹