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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DP not to bother coming home

376 replies

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:38

My partner went out just before midday today for a coffee with a couple of mates, said he would be back in a couple of hours. Fast forward to 6pm, no sign of him, messaged asking when is he coming home and I'll start making tea. No reply. I phoned multiple times as it's not like him to not message me through the day when we're apart, never got a response.

I ended up messaging his friend who he went out with, asking if he was ok and if he knew where he was. His friend told me that he'd gone home, but my partner had stayed out with his other friend, and gone to watch the football.

I messaged my partner to say thanks for letting me know what you're doing, basically told him how pissed off I was, he eventually replied a nonsensical message so obviously drunk. I said to him if he was drunk he needn't bother coming home. His reply was "i'm sorry I'll stay out then".

Bearing in mind I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby. I am absolutely furious. He has done this once before when I was pregnant, and promised me he would never do it again. He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days.

AIBU to tell him to stay with his friend and not bother coming home? We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow but I'm too angry to spend it with him now.

OP posts:
MayThe4th · 30/04/2023 21:55

I find it ironic that the OP telling him not to bother coming home is apparently childish, yet going out on an all day bender then coming home so drunk he can’t even stand is apparently fine and dandy, and it’s the OP’s problem not his.

I honestly would have left him where he fell. Fortunately for me my DP doesn’t drink to excess, but there is no way I would ever put a drunk man to bed. Not ever.

My eXH could be a bit of a twat when he was drunk, but he at least sorted himself out, and he knew he’d get no sympathy from me anyway.

Getting that drunk is a choice. Nobody should expect anyone to look after them if they get into that kind of state.

towriteyoumustlive · 30/04/2023 21:58

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 21:13

Update and thank you to everyone who has left kind comments.

His friends had to carry him over the doorstep. He can't walk or speak, so I have had to half carry a 6 foot plus man up the stairs and put him to bed. For those saying I should go to a friend/family member, I have all the baby stuff here (cot, bottle machine, etc etc) so it would be a hassle getting everything sorted to go elsewhere for the night.

Safe to say our family BH is pretty much ruined. Feeling a bit teary and lonely. Glad I have DD.

That's awful. Totally disrespectul and rude behaviour.

I would have left him on the sofa. He shouldn't be in the same room as the baby!

Tomorrow I would be telling him that as he clearly cannot control drinking, if he ever touches alcohol again he can leave.

Putyourdamnshoeson · 30/04/2023 21:58

Some of the responses here, Jesus Christ. She has a 2ontb old baby and he's acting like an 18 year old lad.
I would be furious and would not be letting him off lightly.

ShowUs · 30/04/2023 21:58

midsomermurderess · 30/04/2023 21:51

Is he ‘teetotal’ because he actually has a massive alcohol problem, ie once he starts he can’t stop until he’s almost passed out? That might need surfacing and addressing.

I think it’s odd to be teetotal and then go out and get pissed.

I rarely drink and I used to have a binge and get wasted and then not drink for ages after but I never said I was teetotal.

Going teetotal sounds like a big reaction and I do wonder if he has bigger problems with alcohol.

Kingofchaos2 · 30/04/2023 21:59

He sounds repulsive, I'd be seriously unimpressed. Hopefully he feels like his head has been ripped off tomorrow and someone has shit down his neck.

Don't creep about tomorrow either..he doesn't get to rot in his pit all day tomorrow. Get up early, make some noise and then go out.

mrlistersgelfbride · 30/04/2023 22:00

YANBU. I'll never forget when my partner left me crying, breastfeeding a 2 week old baby whilst he went to the pub for 4 hours. It was at that moment I decided not to have another with him. Hope your contraception is water tight.
You deserve some you time . Next weekend go out shopping or to meet a friend etc for a few hours and leave him in charge.
Sorry about your bank holiday plans.

brunettemic · 30/04/2023 22:00

Not to bother coming home as in ever? That’s a massive overreaction in my opinion, sure he’s being a prat and probably needs to do a bit of grovelling but to tell him not to come home is OTT.

FangsForTheMemory · 30/04/2023 22:01

brunettemic · 30/04/2023 22:00

Not to bother coming home as in ever? That’s a massive overreaction in my opinion, sure he’s being a prat and probably needs to do a bit of grovelling but to tell him not to come home is OTT.

Why don’t you RTFT?

Scottishskifun · 30/04/2023 22:02

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 21:13

Update and thank you to everyone who has left kind comments.

His friends had to carry him over the doorstep. He can't walk or speak, so I have had to half carry a 6 foot plus man up the stairs and put him to bed. For those saying I should go to a friend/family member, I have all the baby stuff here (cot, bottle machine, etc etc) so it would be a hassle getting everything sorted to go elsewhere for the night.

Safe to say our family BH is pretty much ruined. Feeling a bit teary and lonely. Glad I have DD.

Sounds like he needs to learn consequences!
Don't feel lonely OP...plot!
So some things for him tomorrow.......nappy bin needs emptied tomorrow, he has to get up early doors (don't hand him DD but don't let him be in bed all day!)
Baby washing need doing especially any poonami vests??
You get the picture he needs to learn his actions come with consequences when you have a small baby!

Gunpowder · 30/04/2023 22:03

5128gap · 30/04/2023 21:39

Sending you huge sympathy OP. I've been in your shoes and the frustration and anger is something else. Not just for today that he's ruined for you, but for tomorrow too. Plus all the times in the future when you'll be anxious when he goes out in case he does it again.
In the short term, do you have anywhere to go tomorrow which will be nice for you and the baby? Friends or family? Hanging round the house doing all the child care again while he lies there is going to make you feel worse, so best out of it if you can.
Long term, well, suffice to say if I could go back and advise my younger self, I'd tell her to make sure the first time she put a drunk man to bed was also the last, and be clear with him if it happened again we were done.
However people on here minimise it, the sort of drinking that leaves you that incapable and makes you renage on your commitments and promises to your family is a huge red flag.

The one thing in your favour is your husband knows he should be tee total, so hopefully he will stick to that.

Absolutely agree with everything in this post.

Hope you are ok OP. It’s a really horrid feeling.

I would tell a friend or family member what happened so you have support.

HauntedPencil · 30/04/2023 22:04

I think it's really rude to go out for a coffee and then go on a drinking session with no contact whatsoever and I would be annoyed

If he text and said actually I might go and watch the football/have a few drinks at least you'd know, and could plan your day.

5128gap · 30/04/2023 22:06

BatshitCrazyWoman · 30/04/2023 21:50

I agree. I'd have divorced my now exH way earlier if I'd have known how my marriage would pan out.

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The responses on here seem to be divided between those of us who get this and those fortunate enough not to recognise it.

I Hope you found better times.

Pesimistic · 30/04/2023 22:08

This gives me horrible flash backs of how I felt when my sons dad did this, it was pretty much every weekend, all I ever wanted was him to communicate what he was doing I couldn't have given a flying fuck if he was going to stay out all weekend if he had shown me a bit of respect and told me rather than just going off for a "few hours" and then not returning until the next morning without a word. Awful time of my life and I only put up with it because I was young naive and with a small child, please don't waste you life with this disrespectful toss bag. Love doesn't act like this.

bd67thSaysReinstateLangCleg · 30/04/2023 22:09

At some point when the anger/ hangover subsides

I wouldn't be that kind. He'd be getting the sharp end of my tongue whilst hungover.

OP, if you play any kind of musical instrument, practice it loudly tomorrow.

NSx · 30/04/2023 22:11

I am shook at the amount of people who think this behaviour is normal 🤣🤣🤣🤣…

I’m sorry but it’s unacceptable to go out for a ‘coffee’ and leave someone at home with a 2 month old baby only to go out drinking and not answer your phone for hours, then have the audacity to say they weren’t coming home when you (quite rightly) send a few angry texts.

I would be livid, it’s so selfish and shows no consideration. It’s the principle more so than the act itself in my opinion, it would have taken 2 minutes to send a text or a phone call to advise he was planning on staying out for a few.

YANBU @rhaenyra01

RampantIvy · 30/04/2023 22:12

I would have put him on the kitchen floor with a blanket, not manhandled him upstairs.

I'm sorry your weekend has been ruined Flowers

Dymaxion · 30/04/2023 22:16

Not to bother coming home as in ever?

Doesn't matter is she meant tonight or ever, because his friends kindly took that choice away from her by dropping his steaming drunk arse off at home when they couldn't be bothered 'babysitting' him anymore.

I can't imagine they wanted him in their homes in that state, I mean would you be happy taking responsibility for someone in that much of a mess ? Would you be able to sleep soundly knowing that you might wake up to someone having vomitted, pissed or shit all over your nice spare room or sofa ?.

He said he would stay out when she told him not to bother coming home drunk, but he then got so drunk he actually needed to be physically brought home and manhandled through the door of their home. So now she has steaming drunk DH and a 8 week old baby to deal with, after the DH just went out for a coffee !

user1471517095 · 30/04/2023 22:16

I'd be absolutely livid, but once he was home I'd never be able to sleep - I knew someone who choked to death on his vomit whilst on holiday. If my husband gets drunk I spend all night tensed up jumping at every twitch he makes.

mathanxiety · 30/04/2023 22:18

YANBU

Your H is an immature pillock.

He has no business checking out of parenting and partnering responsibilities.

What a pity some posters here have such low expectations of men.

Nat6999 · 30/04/2023 22:20

I'd be hoovering banging the side of the bed as early as possible & cooking something very smelly, like op said hide the paracetamol & don't give him any sympathy. I would have left him on the sofa so I could get a good night's sleep.

mathanxiety · 30/04/2023 22:21

TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 19:55

I doubt anyone disagrees that he has been disrespectful and unsupportive but she has overreacted by trying to ban him from his own home for something, by her own admittance, he has only done once before.

Show quote history

Well now he's done it twice.

She's right to stick to her guns.

Maybe there won't be a third time as a result. There most certainly would be multiple repeats of this horrible behaviour if she decided to play nice little wifey.

mathanxiety · 30/04/2023 22:23

JudgeJ · 30/04/2023 20:25

So you told him not to come home and he said OK! At least you're in agreement there. How hard is a 2 month year oold baby, I recall they mainly feed, crap and sleep.

Show quote history

Yes, and while they're sleeping, the mother can put on her coat and some lipstick and head out for coffee with friends.

Oh wait...

brunettemic · 30/04/2023 22:24

FangsForTheMemory · 30/04/2023 22:01

Why don’t you RTFT?

Show quote history

I read all of OP’s posts. Believe me, DH would be in the doghouse if he did that but I’m not the sort of person that acts like I’ve never done anything wrong and holds everyone to a higher stranded than I’ve achieved. I once went out for tea with some friends and told DH I’d be back in a couple of hours as after the kids were in bed we needed to move the furniture downstairs and take up all the carpets to be replaced. Long story short I got a picture message hours later after a few bottles of Prosecco of our carpet less downstairs. I messed up, sure it’s lower scale than this but people make mistakes.

Agapornis · 30/04/2023 22:27

He needs to attend an AA meeting if his relationship with alcohol consists of unpredictable, out of control binging.

CKL987 · 30/04/2023 22:30

rhaenyra01 · 30/04/2023 19:44

@Reallyareyousure @PinkiOcelot @MXVIT I know it's not late but he has told me he won't come home tonight. I said it more to show him how annoyed he was but he readily agreed he won't come home.

He is drunk and people don't make rational decisions when drunk.