To tell DP not to bother coming home

[rhaenyra01]

My partner went out just before midday today for a coffee with a couple of mates, said he would be back in a couple of hours. Fast forward to 6pm, no sign of him, messaged asking when is he coming home and I'll start making tea. No reply. I phoned multiple times as it's not like him to not message me through the day when we're apart, never got a response.

I ended up messaging his friend who he went out with, asking if he was ok and if he knew where he was. His friend told me that he'd gone home, but my partner had stayed out with his other friend, and gone to watch the football.

I messaged my partner to say thanks for letting me know what you're doing, basically told him how pissed off I was, he eventually replied a nonsensical message so obviously drunk. I said to him if he was drunk he needn't bother coming home. His reply was "i'm sorry I'll stay out then".

Bearing in mind I have been home alone now all day with a 2 month old baby. I am absolutely furious. He has done this once before when I was pregnant, and promised me he would never do it again. He doesn't usually drink and when he does he gets in a right state and always ends up throwing up and really unwell for the next couple of days.

AIBU to tell him to stay with his friend and not bother coming home? We had planned a nice day out for the bank holiday tomorrow but I'm too angry to spend it with him now.

Op - send some texts now to your family/friends, see if anyone is free tomorrow. Don't waste a bank holiday sitting around because someone can't handle his drink.

Get yourself and your baby ready in the morning and get out and enjoy your day

I would absolutely do this.
Theres no point hanging around the house with him tomorrow being upset and bothered by him. He'll be useless and will just defend himself.
Just get out of the house and have a lovely day. Leave him to it.

I'd be hiding the coffee, the paracetamol, and then fucking off out the door tomorrow to have a nice day with people who give a shit about you

My H did something similar when my baby was a couple of weeks old. I deposited him on the doorstep of his parents. They were mortified, as was he the next day. My tolerance for this sort of childish bullshit is nil.

So disrespectful and how you're feeling is totally valid. I would wait a while to talk about this with him as he'll be feeling crap tomorrow and likely won't be receptive to having a proper conversation about it. Completely agree with what others have said, you deserve a lovely bank holiday so try to get out with others or even just you and baby and let your husband see what he's missed out on.

Haha 😂

Hide the TV remote while you're at it

Totally out of order on his part.

Another vote for heading out tomorrow to family or friends to get away if you can. There is no point having a serious conversation with him tomorrow and he'll be lousy company.

And change the WIFI password.

The one time my DH came home this drunk I made him sleep on the couch with a bucket.
Sleeping with a stinking drunk man is not fun, especially when you have a baby to deal with as well.

Yes. And turn the wifi off (hoping like me, you live somewhere with shit data) so he can’t even have a misery wank.

I like your vengeful style @whitebreadjamsandwich.

He is a binge drinker.
Doesnt drink... then goes out and gets smashed.. every time.
Think carefully about the future you want with this man.
Because he wont change.
Is this the environment you want for your baby?
Cut your losses.

You are kind looking after him. Mine came home in a state like this once and I left him where he landed (on the floor of the garage) I imagine he was pretty stiff the next morning!

Are you worried he's going to make a habit of doing this? Is it becoming more regular? Or are you mostly just annoyed the bank holiday is ruined? You and your daughter go out and have a lovely time anyway. Garden centres are great to go to with babies.

This.

I have said it before (to my husband and anyone else who needs to hear it): I am not free childcare. Free time (eg weekends) belong to both of you, just like the care of a baby is the responsibility of both. I'd be fuming if my husband thought he could just act like his time, needs and desires take priority over mine. The amount of women here who think it's absolutely fine for a partner to be inconsiderate and downright disrespectful is just astounding.

I agree with the posters saying that context is everything. The OP has a young baby and has been left all afternoon /evening to care for her while her DP got paralytic- after saying he was going for a coffee for just a couple of hours!

When he’s sober, you need to have a chat about mutual respect and also how things have changed since you’ve become parents.

We have teenagers and both DH and I have enjoyed nights out with friends since they were small -but we recognize that we’re asking the other parent to be in charge and coming home hours late than arranged and/or paralytic isn’t on. Merry and giggly, fine; unable to function, not fine.

Surely it depends how often it's happening. Every week yes definitely a case for leaving. Once or twice a year I think can be forgiven.

OP please don't allow some of these responses to dampen how you feel.

His behaviour is pathetic and out of order.

Imagine the other way round - how would he react? would it be okay for you to say you were going for a coffee with your friend and then was uncontactable? And pissed as a fart? I think not.

Sorry it's put a dampener on your bank holiday. From experience and as you touched upon, these people who get themselves in this state when drinking will be useless the following day.

Still go out and try and make the most of tomorrow but I appreciate how let down you must feel.

Sending you huge sympathy OP. I've been in your shoes and the frustration and anger is something else. Not just for today that he's ruined for you, but for tomorrow too. Plus all the times in the future when you'll be anxious when he goes out in case he does it again.
In the short term, do you have anywhere to go tomorrow which will be nice for you and the baby? Friends or family? Hanging round the house doing all the child care again while he lies there is going to make you feel worse, so best out of it if you can.
Long term, well, suffice to say if I could go back and advise my younger self, I'd tell her to make sure the first time she put a drunk man to bed was also the last, and be clear with him if it happened again we were done.
However people on here minimise it, the sort of drinking that leaves you that incapable and makes you renage on your commitments and promises to your family is a huge red flag.

The one thing in your favour is your husband knows he should be tee total, so hopefully he will stick to that.

Wake him up in the morning. He doesn't get to get pissed and then nurse his hangover for days. He's a parent so he needs to parent. Also, don't clean up after him. Let him clean his own vomit and piss in the morning. Dont do it for him. His actions have consequences. He also needs to be told to grow the fuck up. He's a grown up and a dad. He shouldn't be getting paralytic. Fair enough go out and have a few drinks but don't get do bad you can't walk or put yourself to bed.

This is a valid point and worth reflecting on OP.

Better be with someone who enjoys alcohol a few times a week on a genuinely sensible, moderate basis (i.e. a couple of glasses of wine or pints of beer with dinner and then stopping) than live with a 'teetotal' man who then binge drinks and gets paralytic.

Even if you're not genuinely considering leaving him, I would be putting the absolute fear into him by suggesting that you are genuinely considering leaving him. You and your baby deserve more.

I had this for 10 years so I am sorry. I would start making arrangements to leave and tell him in no uncertain terms if it happens again then that is it. It doesn't get better.

I can’t believe that anyone here thinks that YABU ! I would be furious and if my DH had done this to me with a 2 month old I honestly would have divorced him .

You've got a baby. If he’s poorly let him recover at his mums, you have your hands full. Don’t let it spoil tomorrow, go without him.

I agree. I'd have divorced my now exH way earlier if I'd have known how my marriage would pan out.

Is he ‘teetotal’ because he actually has a massive alcohol problem, ie once he starts he can’t stop until he’s almost passed out? That might need surfacing and addressing.

There is a huge gulf between going out for a coffee and a catch up with friends and getting so drunk that your friends are concerned enough to have to physically return you home.

Would he be happy if you did the same @rhaenyra01 ? , having a baby is stressful and you are entitled to go out for a couple of hours and leave baby with him, would he expect you to let him know if you changed your plans ? Would he expect you to return home in a state which meant that you could care for the baby or would he happily assume 'coffee' meant he was single parenting for the next 24 hours plus ?

I think you should add milk, sugar, bread and the duvet ( if it isn't covered in vomit/wee or worse ) into your list of things you need to take with you on your day out. Best open the curtains wide too, sure I read somewhere vitamin D is useful for hangovers. Make sure his phone is out of reach but on full volume so you can ring and check in on him every 15 mintues, don't let it ring long enough for him to find it, just long enough to disturb him.

So you'd be ok with your dh fucking off out for hours longer than planned, coming home roaring drunk and (based on past history given by op) vomiting all over? And I am the one who needs to 'wise up'?