Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

543 replies

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:34

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

OP posts:
CremeEggThief · 30/04/2023 10:48

YANBU to have left her for a few hours, but YABU to have turned your phone off. Your daughter worked herself up and got scared, and you didn't do anything to help her with that!

EustaceTheMonk · 30/04/2023 10:49

She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads.

Your mistake was in giving her the option of saying "no" to both options. You should have told her it's one or the other. Pick the least worst.

ShandaLear · 30/04/2023 10:49

Leaving her alone if that’s what she wanted - not unreasonable.

Not being contactable - very unreasonable.

Doingmybest12 · 30/04/2023 10:50

Have you said what time it was 4-7 is one thing , 8-11 is another. Was the neighbour 2 doors up aware you'd gone out?

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:50

ShowUs · 30/04/2023 10:47

@Hellybelly84

If she was at her dads for the night and he went out with his mates and turned his phone off so DD couldn’t contact him, would you also say that it was fine and that DD needs to grow up?

Show quote history

Yes 12 year olds can be left in their own home-Mum or Dads house makes no difference. They are safer in their own home than out in town all day with friends, getting the bus (which most 12 year olds also do). Other than an axe murderer breaking in (which the chance is pretty teeny), I wouldn’t be worrying about a 12 year old home alone for a few hours if they are a responsible, well behaved child.

DisforDarkChocolate · 30/04/2023 10:52

It's the not answering your phone that was unreasonable for me.

Wonford · 30/04/2023 10:52

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:50

Yes 12 year olds can be left in their own home-Mum or Dads house makes no difference. They are safer in their own home than out in town all day with friends, getting the bus (which most 12 year olds also do). Other than an axe murderer breaking in (which the chance is pretty teeny), I wouldn’t be worrying about a 12 year old home alone for a few hours if they are a responsible, well behaved child.

Show quote history

I wouldn't bother trying to model responsible parenting as you've already outed yourself as emotionally unstable.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 10:53

You can't tell her to call you, then proceed to be uncontactable for an hour. That's really unfair on your daughter. She's only twelve.

ZenNudist · 30/04/2023 10:53

I leave my 12yo alone in the day but I am contactable. I don't go out and leave him for the evening. He'd just stay up on xbox.

I think its lesson learned that she will have to go to her dad's or have a babysitter and try again when she is a bit older.

Leaving your dc to go out and have fun looks irresponsible. I'd be mortified.

Sisisimone · 30/04/2023 10:53

Comedycook · 30/04/2023 10:42

A lot of kids probably think they will be ok at home alone, but it's quite normal I think to freak out as it starts to get late/dark.

Agreed. If we're doing 'back in the day' stories I remember me and my brother being left for the evening when we were younger, about 12 & 13 It didn't happen very often and they probably thought we'd be ok because we were together. Everything was fine until we thought we heard noises downstairs. We could hear banging and thought someone had got in the house and we were pretty hysterical. We both still recall how frightening it was. Its easy for kids to get panicky in those sort of situations.

We live in what is usually a very safe area but the COL crisis has seen a massive increase in attempted burglaries the past month or so so this would also be a factor in me not wanting to leave my child home alone at night. I know it's not likely but it's possible and I wouldn't risk it for a night out. I definitely wouldn't be able to switch my phone off and relax knowing she might need to contact me. Can't really comprehend that

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:54

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/04/2023 10:43

Well that's an extreme take.
Why would you "go mental"? What does that even mean?

The friends mum had no idea when the OP would get home and if the child is saying they are scared, what else could she do. Of you have any empathy you go to the child.

And I was scared when I was left alone. It wasn't a "serious problem" I was just quite young for my age. If you're taking about the 12yr old being a "complete nutter" you sound totally unhinged and incapable of thinking rationally. You sound like you have come right out an episode of EastEnders

Show quote history

The other Mum not the child is the nutter…🙈 The other Mum could have reassured the girl shes fine in her own home and said to call them in an emergency. Picking her up from her own home at 12 is bizarre? We are not talking about an 8 year old that has been abandoned here.

Wonford · 30/04/2023 10:56

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:54

The other Mum not the child is the nutter…🙈 The other Mum could have reassured the girl shes fine in her own home and said to call them in an emergency. Picking her up from her own home at 12 is bizarre? We are not talking about an 8 year old that has been abandoned here.

Show quote history

Interesting how you'd blame the other mum in this situation.

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:57

MRex · 30/04/2023 10:34

You have a very ugly personality. When people look after your child, you should say "thank you". The kids are considered old enough to do things like walk home from school precisely because they are considered old enough to get help if or when they need it.

It's no wonder people end up with poor relationships with their teenagers, and poor mental health for the teens themselves. Calling a child manipulative for being scared is disgraceful.

Show quote history

Where did I say child is manipulative??? The other Mum is the nutter thinking a 12 year old cant be left by themselves. Perhaps I phrased it wrong, I meant the other Mum.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/04/2023 10:58

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:54

The other Mum not the child is the nutter…🙈 The other Mum could have reassured the girl shes fine in her own home and said to call them in an emergency. Picking her up from her own home at 12 is bizarre? We are not talking about an 8 year old that has been abandoned here.

Show quote history

The other mum is not a nutter. She came to a 12yr old who had been in contact saying she was scared. It would be a normal thing to do. Just because you think all 12yr olds should be ok, some aren't. And sometimes they won't realise they won't be ok until it's dark and the realisation of them being in the home on their own at night dawn's on them
Add into the fact her own mother failed to reply to her calls and texts...yeh I can see why the girl spoke to her friend.

Kennykenkencat · 30/04/2023 10:59

The friends mum had no idea when the OP would get home and if the child is saying they are scared, what else could she do. Of you have any empathy you go to the child

The friends mum didn’t even try to find out.

The Dd was angling for a sleepover and op could have just gone out for an hour to go shopping or anything. But the friends mum took the word of the 12 year old without trying to contact op

Think the Dd will regret this as now she won’t be left alone ever. She will have to have a baby sitter or go to her dads.

Dd was doing a 34 mile round trip on various modes of public transport to and from central London school at 10 years old.
Having to deal with broken down trains and using the replacement bus service on her own.

I was living in a flat share at 16 and married at 17. At 12 year olds I was the baby sitter.

BookishBabe · 30/04/2023 10:59

Surely if she rang you, you actually picked up, she told you she was scared and you went home to be with her, there wouldn't actually be a situation to manipulate?
You say she was trying to get a sleep over, but all this suspicion could have been avoided if you'd either not given her a choice and made her go to her dad's (you are the parent). Or you'd picked up the phone like you told her you would and went home.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/04/2023 10:59

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:57

Where did I say child is manipulative??? The other Mum is the nutter thinking a 12 year old cant be left by themselves. Perhaps I phrased it wrong, I meant the other Mum.

Show quote history

No one is a nutter ffs. You are so unpleasant

Bk1000 · 30/04/2023 10:59

I leave my 12 yo home alone a fair bit but I’m always contactable and she has the number of a friend of mine who lives a couple of streets away if for some reason she had an issue and couldn’t get hold of me. I generally have to leave her while I’m working and don’t have any choice. I’m not sure I would feel good about leaving her alone so i could go out.

JudgeRudy · 30/04/2023 11:01

Goldenbear · 30/04/2023 10:44

I'm early 40s and wasn't left alone at 12, I literally just posted an anecdote to explain how my brother was supposed to be looking after me and went out and I was scared at 12!! I didn't have 'anxiety' and my Mum didn't think it was appropriate to leave me at 12, she wouldn't have been left at 12 for an evening in the late 1950s! So no, I don't think back in the day this is true at all for everyone!

Show quote history

I agree that there's several elements to deciding when to leave a child 'inattended'. I was left alone much younger than 12 but as a child I was quite happy in my own company and I loved having the house to myself. Many children wouldn't feel that way. It's not just about being scared, I wouldn't want to leave a child who was uneasy or not 100% 'up for it'. You're story sounds completely normal and l'm sure many children would have felt the way you did.

Inkpotlover · 30/04/2023 11:02

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:57

Where did I say child is manipulative??? The other Mum is the nutter thinking a 12 year old cant be left by themselves. Perhaps I phrased it wrong, I meant the other Mum.

Show quote history

So if one of your DC's friends called you panicking and in tears because they were feeling anxious at home alone and their mum's got her phone switched off your response would be to tell them to grow a pair?

CakeBeautifulCake · 30/04/2023 11:02

100% if any of my childrens friends were home alone at any age and said they were scared, I'd welcome them to come to ours. I wouldn't feel the need to message you, your daughter can do it. Depending on the friends mum, if she was happy with it, all good. If she's being arsey and wanting to call social services then it's different. She's nothing to do with it really though, it's a you and daughter thing.

liveforsummer · 30/04/2023 11:03

I leave my 13 year old all the time in the day/evening but I probably wouldn't at night and especially not if uncontactable for as much as an hour. I don't think she was being sneaky as she'd clearly tried hard to get hold of you first.

Inkpotlover · 30/04/2023 11:03

Kennykenkencat · 30/04/2023 10:59

The friends mum had no idea when the OP would get home and if the child is saying they are scared, what else could she do. Of you have any empathy you go to the child

The friends mum didn’t even try to find out.

The Dd was angling for a sleepover and op could have just gone out for an hour to go shopping or anything. But the friends mum took the word of the 12 year old without trying to contact op

Think the Dd will regret this as now she won’t be left alone ever. She will have to have a baby sitter or go to her dads.

Dd was doing a 34 mile round trip on various modes of public transport to and from central London school at 10 years old.
Having to deal with broken down trains and using the replacement bus service on her own.

I was living in a flat share at 16 and married at 17. At 12 year olds I was the baby sitter.

If she was angling for a sleepover, she wouldn't have repeatedly called her mum. She'd have lied that her mum wasn't contactable to get the other mum to pick her up. It's really horrible to see adults calling a child manipulative like this.

Peachy2005 · 30/04/2023 11:03

OP said the Dad is 5 mins away and previous instructions are to contact Dad or go to neighbour two doors down. I guess IP now knows she should’ve reiterated the instructions in full before going anywhere…but get a grip people. 1st thing the DD should have done is phone her Dad!!

Hoppinggreen · 30/04/2023 11:04

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:54

The other Mum not the child is the nutter…🙈 The other Mum could have reassured the girl shes fine in her own home and said to call them in an emergency. Picking her up from her own home at 12 is bizarre? We are not talking about an 8 year old that has been abandoned here.

Show quote history

So if a child you knew phoned your child and said they were alone and scared and were unable to contact a parent you would do nothing?
I might not have taken the child home but if I were able ( no younger children to be left alone etc) I would have gone over.
The other Mum isn’t a nutter at all