Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

[SpringCalling]

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

I was left to look after my little brother at that age. No phone and mum in the pub. I was a very sensible child, but still got scared at times, I really didn't like it.

I never left mine in the evening until much older.

YABU - you weren't contactable, your DD got scared and her friends mum did the responsible thing of checking in on her.

You say you checked your phone an hour into the event, so DD had to have been alone for at least 90mins at that point, as you said the venue is 20 mins away, if not longer so you were uncontactable for a long period of time when you're a scared 12yo home alone in the dark.

For all you know your DD was messaging with her friend over the course of the evening as tweens do; something spooked her - noises in the dark, sounds in the house, watching something scary on TV etc; she tried to call you and got no response and so messaged her friend that she was scared and you weren't answering; her friend told her mum that DD had been trying to contact you for an hour and had got no response and was scared so she offered to come over; they came over, DD showed the calls/messages she had sent over the course of an hour that had gone unresponded to and DD said you weren't due home for hours.

At this point friends parent either has to stay at your house until you come home (and hope nothing untoward has happened), leave a scared 12yo home alone or take her back to her own house. It's not her place to interrogate DD as to why she hasn't called other people or gone elsewhere - 12yo logic isn't always the best or most rational, especially if they're in a bit of a panic - and it's not unreasonable for her to choose the most convenient option for herself and take your DD home. Personally if I was the friend's mum as we were getting in the car to drive home I would have told DD to message you to say she was at my house and then I'd have messaged when I got home to say DD was safe at my house and to let me know everything was OK.

My DD is 13 and I would, and have, left her home alone when I went to an event but I am always contactable - my smartwatch is connected to my phone so even if my phone is on silent I get alerts of all calls/messages on my watch so it's impossible to miss them - and I always remind her that if, for whatever reason, I don't reply she should contact ExDH or another family adult if necessary. She knows the speech off by heart now and recites it with me as I'm walking out of the door, but I still make sure to say it just in case.

ExDH and I share custody 50/50 and we are in regular contact so if one or other of us is going out in the evening when DD is with us (especially if it's anything out of town so we won't be able to get back quickly in case of emergency) then we will usually send each other a message as a heads up just in case - so if I was going to a gig I'd message ExDH "Just an FYI, going to <town 20 min drive away> to see a gig tonight and should be home by 11pm, just in case DD calls". That way he knows to keep an eye on his phone in case DD calls him, and if he's busy (eg he's planning on a trip to the cinema where he can't keep checking his phone or he's out of town too) then he will let me know so I can tell DD to phone my parents/siblings if there is a problem.

@Hellybelly84

You said you'd 'go mental' at the other mum.

What does that mean? Shouting at her?

Hellybelly84, wow, that is extremely unpleasant of you to call the other mum a nutter, when she showed care and comcern for your child and went to collect her.

You were totally wrong to leave yourself uncontactable and unable to reassure your child, end of story. Stop trying to blame other people for only trying to help her!😡

Wouldn’t think twice about picking up a 12 year old girl texting my daughter that she was alone and frightened. Couldn’t give a shit where the parents are or what they think, if a kid is scared and alone at night I’d have her in my house and knowing she’s safe ASAP. You should be in your knees thanking the mum for doing you a massive favour helping out, not whining. Be grateful police weren’t involved.

She shouldn't have been put in a position where she had to do either of those things, though.

Her mum said she'd be contactable then didn't bother to check her phone for at least an hour.

What mum should have said is "If you need me and can't get through, ring Jane at no.22 or you can go to your dad's" - not "contact me if you need me" when she knew she wouldn't be checking her phone.

12yo's often do need things spelling out to them - because they forget or don't really think logically when they're panicked. My mum always drilled it into me how to contact her in an emergency - even when I was 15/16 and more than capable remembering without her help!

Imagine definitively calling a child a liar based on your own narrow experience 🤣 Just because you've been to a gig where the doors opened 15 minutes before start? (What tiny crowd was that BTW?)

We have no idea if the girl tried to call her dad or not.

Nor do any of us know why OP was so against the DD, hanging out in her friend's house for the evening, or even having her friend over to stay.

I was living in a flat share at 16 and married at 17. At 12 year olds I was the babysitter

All things you wouldn't want for your own child surely? My grandmother was working 12 hr days at 14 years old. Some girls in other countries are married off at 12 to 40 year old men. None of this has any bearing on whether I would leave my child alone at night and make myself uncontactable

I don't think OP was unreasonable considering (a) she had given daughter two options not to be alone - go to dad's or have a babysitter but daughter rejected both and (b) she had left the daughter for a couple of hours before and all was well. It was therefore unexpected and unfortunate that the girl got scared this time, and not ideal that the mum wasn't checking her phone. The sleepover thing may have made it look like manipulation but as another poster has said, the fact that the girl tried to contact her own mum numerous times suggests that this was a genuine panic. If I was OP I'd feel awkward and embarrassed and annoyed with myself for not checking phone but not "in the wrong". And next time it would be dad or babysitter, no negotiation.

"For a gig, doors tends to be 8.15 for an 8.30 start and curfew 11.00pm. Sunset was about 8.20pm"

What the fuck? 🤣🤣🤣🤣

I'd have been fine at that age but either way, your DD shouldn't get the option anymore as whether she was genuinely scared or trying her luck, she isn't mature enough. Next time she'll have to go to her dad's.

How do you know she didn’t?

Perhaps his phone was also off.

Too young

You know deep down that was not ok otherwise you wouldn't ask

So a 12 year old girl alone

At midnight
On pay day
Bank holiday

Great

Perhaps a slight exaggeration but I would be extremely unhappy with another Mum deciding whether my child is on their own or not at 12. We are not talking about rescuing a small child here.

If I was in the situation of the other Mum, I would have reassured the girl shes fine in her own home, call a neighbour in an emergency etc, chat with her daughter (which they were doing anyway). Deciding to drive to their house and take a child from their own home at 12 is ridiculous.

Good luck to those who cant leave a 12 year old-how do you go to work in the holidays?

Disguising crap parenting as a way of building resilience in children, is really not a good look.

I always wonder why some MNers even have children when they are so resentful of them.

She’s 12 - I had a weekend job then. I could stay home for 2 hours in front of the tv.

The replies are as if we are talking about a 7 year old here.

This was the first time the child had ever been left home alone. And her mother put her phone on silent. If you're going to do that, why not at least ask her dad to call her to check on her??

As others have said really, leaving a 12 year old is fine. It's being out of contact that was the issue here. Probably why the mum just collected daughter rather than also try to contact you.

In saying that if I was the other mum I would have sent you a text to say not to worry all is good and your daughter is with us and just pick her up in the morning at xx time.

Don't beat yourself up but maybe make a change for the future.

This is perfectly said!!

I leave my 12 year old but check his phone to make sure he has battery every time before I go, and always remind him every single time to call his dad (also 5 mins away) or go to our neighbour (2 mins away). He does need reminding every time!

Fwiw, I don't see an issue with the leaving a 12 year old home alone for a few hours provided they were completely comfortable with it.

YABU to have not been contactable, and to not have given very clear instructions on what to do if she couldn't get hold of you (you just assumed she knew what to do)

YABVVU to be pissed off at her friends parent, who did the right thing, imo, when faced with a scared, alone 12 year old who didn't want to be home alone.

Good luck to those who cant leave a 12 year old-how do you go to work in the holidays?

There is a massive difference between going to work and going on a night out.

I personally work day times and would not get a job if it meant working evenings or nights and my child would be left alone.

I would think it was very neglectful if children were being left alone at night regularly, whether it was for work or not.

I would also never turn my phone off and I would let someone else know so they can make sure their phone is kept on incase my child needs to get hold of them in an emergency.

I think it's fine to leave a 12 year old for that long, if you are contactable and they are comfortable with that. But, if the 12 year old had been angling all day for a sleepover with her friend, and you were going to be out anyway, then is there any reason why she couldn't do this, as it was her first preference?

Totally manipulative behaviour, and she's 12, of course she should be fine for a few hours.

The other mother was bang out of order to interfere without talking to you.

Reverse? My 12 year old is fine in the day or early evening for when we get back home, but I know he wouldn't like to be left in the evening. I would only do that if absolutely necessary (so work related) and as it was a Saturday I'd have tried to sort something with a friend or family, who wants to be left alone on a Saturday night. But I think this thread is BS.