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Original poster

Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

543 replies

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:34

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

OP posts:
Inkpotlover · 30/04/2023 10:39

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:34

Oh seriously? If there was an absolute emergency, im sure she could have knocked on the neighbours door or called grandparents/auntie etc. She needs to grow up if she cant be left without contact for a few hours (and I mean that in a nice way, she will learn its ok to stay by herself for a few hours without contact unless necessary).

Show quote history

You don't mean it in a nice way at all.

Delcie · 30/04/2023 10:39

LakieLady · 30/04/2023 10:02

I loved being home alone when I was that age too, maybe even a bit younger. No mobiles in those days either, and we didn't even have a landline.

I'd discuss with her exactly what she was frightened of, OP, and form a view as to whether she was trying it on.

Show quote history

This is another ‘back in my day’ post - hope it’s ok?! I’m 55 and I remember being home alone a lot at that age as I’m the only child of single working mother. My mums job paid for our home etc and I understood that. My Dad and Grandad lived a mile away and I knew I could call them. I would personally have a really calm and honest chat with your daughter about what happened and why - and plan for the next time you go out based on what you both understand from the chat. It could be that it is ok to go out for say three hours but that the clear agreement is that your phone is on and that her father is made aware you are out. Or it could be another agreement that works for both of you - and is safe. Review it every so often too

monsteramunch · 30/04/2023 10:39

@Hayliebells

If she was really scared, she'd surely have tried to contact you

She did. Repeatedly. OP hadn't checked her phone despite saying she would be contactable.

So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls.

Sisisimone · 30/04/2023 10:40

I dont know a single 12 year old that isnt left alone
Absolute bollocks.

neilyoungismyhero · 30/04/2023 10:40

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:38

Yes she has my number. Fair point about vibrate.

If your daughter told her you weren't picking up she probably just didn't bother. Manipulation it may be but it does make you look a bit crappy for leaving her. Mind you she might have shot herself in the foot now..

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:40

Inkpotlover · 30/04/2023 10:30

What a ridiculous response. The only mum who deserves a roasting in this scenario is OP. She went out to a gig and switched her phone off, making her contactable. Her DD was freaking out. The mum did the right thing picking her up.

There's a big difference to a 12 year old getting the bus into town with mates and then being left alone at night with no way of getting in touch with their mum.

Show quote history

The way you write ‘left alone’ makes it sound like 12 year old shouldn’t be left alone. I worry for secondary school kids that cant stay in the house by themselves for a few hours without reassurance 🙈🙈🙈. How did we cope before the early 2000’s without mobiles? We would have knocked on a neighbours door if we needed help (which we never did).

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 10:42

I wouldn't be surprised if the friend's mum reports you to social services. It's really bad to leave a child alone and unable to contact you in an emergency.

Comedycook · 30/04/2023 10:42

A lot of kids probably think they will be ok at home alone, but it's quite normal I think to freak out as it starts to get late/dark.

Quartz2208 · 30/04/2023 10:42

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:42

Hmm ok, seems like i underestimated the effect of being uncontactable. I have stressed how she should go to a friend's mum two doors away or call her dad (5 mins away) if she ever needed. But to be fair i didn't say that expressly yesterday as thought that message already got home.
Will just insist she goes to her dads regardless in future.

Did you tell her you would be uncontactable

i assume friend A mum was the reason no to a sleepover if so given she was the one who then got the effects and knew presumably you weeent answering

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/04/2023 10:43

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:27

I would go absolutely mental at friends mum. I would not be speaking to her again. You are allowed to walk to school from 10 at our school (I played out alone from 8 growing up), most secondary kids get the bus by themselves and go to town by themselves with friends. If a 12 year old cant be left by themselves for a few hours (other than those who have special needs ofcourse), then theres a serious problem.

I’d be addressing that with her today and make it clear shes a complete nutter.

Well that's an extreme take.
Why would you "go mental"? What does that even mean?

The friends mum had no idea when the OP would get home and if the child is saying they are scared, what else could she do. Of you have any empathy you go to the child.

And I was scared when I was left alone. It wasn't a "serious problem" I was just quite young for my age. If you're taking about the 12yr old being a "complete nutter" you sound totally unhinged and incapable of thinking rationally. You sound like you have come right out an episode of EastEnders

CoozudBoyuPuak · 30/04/2023 10:43

3 hours is too long, and if I had to have sound off with a child that age alone I would be looking at the screen every 5-10 minutes to check for messages. I have left a young teen unattended for up to 80 mins or so (a 1 hour event, 10 mins from home) but I think 3 hours is too much

Seeline · 30/04/2023 10:43

Convovulus · 30/04/2023 10:21

If the dad is 5 minutes away she could have called him if she couldnt get you, so it does look like she was aiming for a sleepover.

Show quote history

We don't know that she didn't call her dad.
Dad might not have known DD was home alone and maybe had his phone off too.

Jumbojade · 30/04/2023 10:43

What if there was an emergency? She tried, numerous times, to contact you, but couldn’t! You, who is supposed to be the responsible adult, didn’t answer any of her calls or texts!

You can’t blame her, or anyone else, for your poor behaviour OP.

Hungrycaterpillarsmummy · 30/04/2023 10:43

Comedycook · 30/04/2023 10:42

A lot of kids probably think they will be ok at home alone, but it's quite normal I think to freak out as it starts to get late/dark.

100%

Inkpotlover · 30/04/2023 10:44

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:40

The way you write ‘left alone’ makes it sound like 12 year old shouldn’t be left alone. I worry for secondary school kids that cant stay in the house by themselves for a few hours without reassurance 🙈🙈🙈. How did we cope before the early 2000’s without mobiles? We would have knocked on a neighbours door if we needed help (which we never did).

Show quote history

I'm not saying she shouldn't have been left alone at all. My DD13 was fine to be left at that age. But her mum left her with the instruction that she could call her if she felt she needed to and then switched her phone off. That clearly made her anxious. That doesn't mean she's immature or unable to be left, it means her mum lied to her about getting in touch and it freaked her out. She might've worried something bad had happened to her mum. It's got FA to do with whether she could cope. Her mum lied.

W0tnow · 30/04/2023 10:44

i Wouldn’t be happy with my daughter in those circumstances if she’d not tried to contact her father.

Goldenbear · 30/04/2023 10:44

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:40

The way you write ‘left alone’ makes it sound like 12 year old shouldn’t be left alone. I worry for secondary school kids that cant stay in the house by themselves for a few hours without reassurance 🙈🙈🙈. How did we cope before the early 2000’s without mobiles? We would have knocked on a neighbours door if we needed help (which we never did).

Show quote history

I'm early 40s and wasn't left alone at 12, I literally just posted an anecdote to explain how my brother was supposed to be looking after me and went out and I was scared at 12!! I didn't have 'anxiety' and my Mum didn't think it was appropriate to leave me at 12, she wouldn't have been left at 12 for an evening in the late 1950s! So no, I don't think back in the day this is true at all for everyone!

Kennykenkencat · 30/04/2023 10:45

Not unreasonable to leave her if she didn’t want a baby sitter or go to her dads

Unreasonable to not look at your phone for an hour.

However I do think the other mother was definitely unreasonable not even trying to contact you.

JudgeRudy · 30/04/2023 10:45

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:34

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

I don't think anyone is especially unreasonable to leave a 12 yearcold inattended for a while but there are some points I feel need highlighting.

You weren't contactable! That's unacceptable

Sometimes leaving a youngster isn't about whether they're safe. I left my 12 daughter frequequently...no problems. When she was 16 she had 'friends round' and burnt a hole in the carpet which she hid! You're daughter can look after herself however she can't be trusted. I think it's 99% probable that she was fine and just wanted company.
BTW if the company had gone ahead remember the level of responsibility reduces by the square of the number of youngsters involved!

The other mother did what she thought was right. She was hardly going to hang around in your home. She was looking out for for your daughter and checking she was OK. I bet your daughter really hammed it up too to safe face. How embarrassing for you. Do you know why she did that? I do...she's 12 (see previous paragraph).

So some rooky errors but nothing worthy of a call from Social Service but you do realise everyone will know by Tuesday right, and the incident will grow. Be prepared for the school to call.

Bornin1989 · 30/04/2023 10:46

I think if she was really being manipulative, she wouldn't have called and texted you first, she'd have got straight in touch with her friend.

drpet49 · 30/04/2023 10:46

HewasH2O · 30/04/2023 09:38

You were unreasonable that you had received loads of texts and calls without noticing. Presumably your DD told her friend that she couldn't get hold of you. The other mum shouldn't be the one you're cross with.

This

rattymol · 30/04/2023 10:46

Friends mum should have tried to contact you first.
It was fine to leave your DD alone. But if she was trying to manipulate it has backfired. She goes to her dads from now on.
Otherwise forget this. It's not a big deal n the ups and downs of parenting.

ISpyCobraKai · 30/04/2023 10:47

W0tnow · 30/04/2023 10:44

i Wouldn’t be happy with my daughter in those circumstances if she’d not tried to contact her father.

Same.
OK, the Op should have put her phone on vibrate but the dd could have called her Dad.
Maybe I'm just getting flashbacks to similar stunts my Dd pulled.

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:47

Sisisimone · 30/04/2023 10:40

I dont know a single 12 year old that isnt left alone
Absolute bollocks.

Our babysitters have been 14/15 over the years and the most responsible girls we trust completely. At 12, you should be able to be left for a few hours in the safety and comfort of your own home without freaking out.

If she is anxious, i’d suggest to OP of building it up 1 hour at a time with no contact and to give her several numbers to call in an absolute emergency (only) in case she cant get hold of one.

ShowUs · 30/04/2023 10:47

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:34

Oh seriously? If there was an absolute emergency, im sure she could have knocked on the neighbours door or called grandparents/auntie etc. She needs to grow up if she cant be left without contact for a few hours (and I mean that in a nice way, she will learn its ok to stay by herself for a few hours without contact unless necessary).

Show quote history

@Hellybelly84

If she was at her dads for the night and he went out with his mates and turned his phone off so DD couldn’t contact him, would you also say that it was fine and that DD needs to grow up?