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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

543 replies

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:34

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

OP posts:
Emanresu9 · 30/04/2023 10:31

I wouldn’t leave my 12 year old at night if I couldn’t be contacted. I think in the day, fine but you have to be somewhere you can always have your phone with you able to make a noise.

Wonford · 30/04/2023 10:31

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:29

Does your 12 year old not go out with friends for trips out to town etc? Get the bus/train?

Surely they can be left in the safety of their own home for a few hours in the evening?

Show quote history

Yes, but the OP wasn't contactable and the dd12 was scared/bored/ringing friends saying she was scared and bored (delete as applicable)

Inkpotlover · 30/04/2023 10:31

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:29

Does your 12 year old not go out with friends for trips out to town etc? Get the bus/train?

Surely they can be left in the safety of their own home for a few hours in the evening?

Show quote history

Of course they can. The difference here is that OP told her DD12 that she could call her if she needed to – then switched her phone off.

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:32

Wonford · 30/04/2023 10:28

Yeah, maybe don't do this.

Show quote history

Unless she has anxiety (or similar) and absolutely cant be left by herself, I dont know a single 12 year old that isnt left alone/goes out with friends. The other Mum is crazy picking up a child without asking.

KittyAlfred · 30/04/2023 10:32

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:27

I would go absolutely mental at friends mum. I would not be speaking to her again. You are allowed to walk to school from 10 at our school (I played out alone from 8 growing up), most secondary kids get the bus by themselves and go to town by themselves with friends. If a 12 year old cant be left by themselves for a few hours (other than those who have special needs ofcourse), then theres a serious problem.

I’d be addressing that with her today and make it clear shes a complete nutter.

If I was friend’s mum, who’d rescued a kid who said she was scared, and whose mother was uncontactable, and then said mother went “absolutely mental” at me, I’d be calling social services to report her. For all friend‘s mum knew, OP’s daughter could have been at genuine risk. She was just trying to be helpful. If OP had done that thing that parents do - you know, been contactable by the child they had left alone - it wouldn’t have been necessary. This is all on OP, 100%.

Wonford · 30/04/2023 10:32

Inkpotlover · 30/04/2023 10:31

Of course they can. The difference here is that OP told her DD12 that she could call her if she needed to – then switched her phone off.

Show quote history

Not only switche dir off , but didn't check it for an hour!

Rosula · 30/04/2023 10:32

Given that she chose to call the friend she wanted a sleepover with rather than her dad, your daughter was clearly manipulating things - but you could have nipped it in the bud if you had been contactable.

Museya15 · 30/04/2023 10:33

Yabu to put phone on silent, really dumb thing to do.

ShowUs · 30/04/2023 10:33

This has got to be a joke surely!

You turned your phone off so she couldn’t contact you?!
Why not just put it on silent so you can give it a quick check every 30mins.

What time was this?

Sisisimone · 30/04/2023 10:34

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:29

Does your 12 year old not go out with friends for trips out to town etc? Get the bus/train?

Surely they can be left in the safety of their own home for a few hours in the evening?

Show quote history

Yes she does go out with friends during the day. No idea why you would think that is comparable to being left alone for the evening.

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2023 10:34

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:42

Hmm ok, seems like i underestimated the effect of being uncontactable. I have stressed how she should go to a friend's mum two doors away or call her dad (5 mins away) if she ever needed. But to be fair i didn't say that expressly yesterday as thought that message already got home.
Will just insist she goes to her dads regardless in future.

Underestimated??

Completely disregarded her safety! What if she hadn't been able to get anywhere? (had a fall/was too scared to leave the house)
12 isn't unreasonable to be left, but even in daytime you need to be able to be contacted.

Wonford · 30/04/2023 10:34

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:32

Unless she has anxiety (or similar) and absolutely cant be left by herself, I dont know a single 12 year old that isnt left alone/goes out with friends. The other Mum is crazy picking up a child without asking.

Show quote history

No, you'd be crazy (and aggressive) to 'go absolutely mental' at a mum who was trying to do a nice thing.

MRex · 30/04/2023 10:34

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:27

I would go absolutely mental at friends mum. I would not be speaking to her again. You are allowed to walk to school from 10 at our school (I played out alone from 8 growing up), most secondary kids get the bus by themselves and go to town by themselves with friends. If a 12 year old cant be left by themselves for a few hours (other than those who have special needs ofcourse), then theres a serious problem.

I’d be addressing that with her today and make it clear shes a complete nutter.

You have a very ugly personality. When people look after your child, you should say "thank you". The kids are considered old enough to do things like walk home from school precisely because they are considered old enough to get help if or when they need it.

It's no wonder people end up with poor relationships with their teenagers, and poor mental health for the teens themselves. Calling a child manipulative for being scared is disgraceful.

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:34

Inkpotlover · 30/04/2023 10:31

Of course they can. The difference here is that OP told her DD12 that she could call her if she needed to – then switched her phone off.

Show quote history

Oh seriously? If there was an absolute emergency, im sure she could have knocked on the neighbours door or called grandparents/auntie etc. She needs to grow up if she cant be left without contact for a few hours (and I mean that in a nice way, she will learn its ok to stay by herself for a few hours without contact unless necessary).

Hayliebells · 30/04/2023 10:34

It's a bit of both really. I don't think you were unreasonable to have left her at home. If she was really scared, she'd surely have tried to contact you, and the other mum should certainly have tried to contact you before picking her up. But YABU to have been uncontactable for an hour when you'd left your 12 year old home alone.

monsteramunch · 30/04/2023 10:34

@Hellybelly84

The other Mum is crazy picking up a child without asking.

How would she have been able to ask when OP had her phone switched off...

Nanny0gg · 30/04/2023 10:35

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:32

Unless she has anxiety (or similar) and absolutely cant be left by herself, I dont know a single 12 year old that isnt left alone/goes out with friends. The other Mum is crazy picking up a child without asking.

Show quote history

What would have been the point of asking? The OP's phone was on silent and she didn't check it for an hour!

ShowUs · 30/04/2023 10:36

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:32

Unless she has anxiety (or similar) and absolutely cant be left by herself, I dont know a single 12 year old that isnt left alone/goes out with friends. The other Mum is crazy picking up a child without asking.

Show quote history

There’s a massive difference leaving a 12 year old during the day vs the evening, especially when the parent has turned their phone off.

I can imagine the replies if DD went to her dads for the night and he went out with his mates and turned his phone off.

KittyAlfred · 30/04/2023 10:36

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 10:32

Unless she has anxiety (or similar) and absolutely cant be left by herself, I dont know a single 12 year old that isnt left alone/goes out with friends. The other Mum is crazy picking up a child without asking.

Show quote history

So if you had a 12 year old daughter, who told you at about 9-10pm that her friend was home alone, had heard some strange noises or something, and was frightened, and had been trying unsuccessfully to contact her Mum for an hour…..you’d just shrug and say “not my problem”?

And we wonder why kids get abused and no one notices .

TheSnowyOwl · 30/04/2023 10:36

She is too young to be left alone. Not be sure of her age but because she is either too anxious (so it’s not fair), too manipulative (so cannot be trusted), or too immature (as unable to ring her dad or neighbour that she was supposed to go to).

When you do reach the stage of going out again, make sure you can be contacted. If you want your phone on silent then get a smart watch or something so that you will always be aware when rung or texted.

Beezknees · 30/04/2023 10:36

I think YABU to leave a 12 year old for that long in the evening, yes.

Comedycook · 30/04/2023 10:36

She needs to grow up

She's 12. I'm sure she will grow up in time as we all do. In the meantime it's up to her parents to assess her maturity.

ShowUs · 30/04/2023 10:37

Hayliebells · 30/04/2023 10:34

It's a bit of both really. I don't think you were unreasonable to have left her at home. If she was really scared, she'd surely have tried to contact you, and the other mum should certainly have tried to contact you before picking her up. But YABU to have been uncontactable for an hour when you'd left your 12 year old home alone.

They did try and contact her but her phone was off - which is how she knew once she turned the phone back on.

Hayliebells · 30/04/2023 10:38

Oh yes, then the OP is definitely being unreasonable! Poor kid.

Comedycook · 30/04/2023 10:38

So if you had a 12 year old daughter, who told you at about 9-10pm that her friend was home alone, had heard some strange noises or something, and was frightened, and had been trying unsuccessfully to contact her Mum for an hour…..you’d just shrug and say “not my problem”?

Exactly. IMagine if the girl had actually been in danger...the friends mum would be hauled through the coals if she'd ignored her.