Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

[SpringCalling]

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

This!

I went to a comedy night with my DH a couple of months ago and it is only a 10 minute drive away but I checked with my 16 year old that everything was ok with him and his 12 year old sister in the interval and to let him know we were on our way home! I can't image. Being blasé about a 12 year old to the point of going out and leaving the phone off!

Totally unreasonable to be uncontactable. In the next town to me, a man forced his way into a house where there was a teenage girl, in broad daylight, and raped her. Just think about that. Anything could have happened. And to say she was being manipulative - you’re unbelievable.

Not kids, Girls.
I doubt a boy of the same age would be called a manipulative little minx or whatever

She was manipulating for the sleepover. From now on I'd get a babysitter though.

The dd already had several times. How do you know that the mum wasn't there when the dd was trying to call at least some of the times. Chances are the mum didn't have OP's number so, like most people, got the child to ring.

She did ring her mum!

You were not unreasonable. You were out of contact for an hour, but she could have rung her Dad. Or a friend, which she did. There was no emergency. She was scared (maybe), but safe.

The lesson to learn is that for the foreseeable future, DD is too immature to stay home alone. She either truly was scared (but chose not to contact Dad) or she was making that sleepover happen. Either way, she is not up for being left alone.

Sometimes parents offer independence and the child is not ready for it. Now you know. But you weren't wrong to offer.

YABU to leave for such a long time and not be contactable or closer by. An hour or two with you being 10 mins away and contactable would be more acceptable. Personally I think it's too young to leave at all though 🤷

But she may well have been texting her mate whilst trying to be brave, the friends told her Mom and she's intervened, rather than 5 minutes after Mom left DD calling her bestie and declaring she needs rescuing. DD true contacting the parent who was responsible for her but the parent wanted a break without the fight over proper childcare.

I had to check she hadn’t posted about leaving a 5 year old by some of the replies.

The girl is either Year 7 or Year 8 at Secondary and people think its wrong to leave her 🙈 Thats the age kids go out all day, get on buses and trains alone, get their first jobs, school ski trips or trips abroad. She’ll be out drinking with her friends in a couple of years (whether allowed or not), so I cant believe people think the Mum cant be out of contact for a short while, daughter safely at home, Dad 5 mins away, neighbour 2 doors down is a friend. She was clearly able to call her Dad as Mum had suggested he was happy to look after her but she refused.

If the Mum made any small mistake, it was just stressing to her daughter who to call in an emergency.

I imagine the girl would've been fine at that time. It's when it gets to nighttime it's a different kettle of fish.

'The girl is either Year 7 or Year 8 at Secondary and people think its wrong to leave her 🙈 Thats the age kids go out all day, get on buses and trains alone, get their first jobs, school ski trips or trips abroad. '

You're missing the actual point, she was uncontactable. I don't see anyone outraged that a 12 yr old was left alone, its the phone being switched off for an hour at least that is the issue.

As did mine when he was younger

if your dd has Manipulated this sleepovers then I’d be reading her the riot act

were the calls and texts from her or from the mother?

A 12 year old getting their first job, where, doing what? Yes, 12 year olds go out to the shops with their friends maybe in the day, mine wouldn't be out all day and I don't know any of DD's friends that have the level of freedom you are describing. I equally don't think they'll be drinking alcohol at 14, you do realise it is pretty hard to buy alcohol under age anywhere! My year 11 16 year old and friends have the level of freedom you describe but even then we haven't just say back on our laurels, quite apart from anything he shouldn't be going out all the time at the moment as he needs to revise for GCSEs. You can really just abstain from looking after your DC at 12, well you can buy it is not providing the emotional and physical security they need IMO.

I think you are being unreasonable about the other mum - what do you expect her to do when told there's a 12 year old alone, feeling scared, and she can't get hold of her mum? I would have felt I had to collect her until I was sure where her parents were too. I assume she didn't ring because your dd had told her she tried to ring and couldn't get through, or possibly that she asked your dd to try you on her phone when she went to pick her up.

Personally I think 12 is too young to be alone for 3 hours at night.

You can't abstain not 'can'.

Why? What you shout at someone for your crappy parenting!

Why did she not call the Dad? Instead of the friend she wanted a sleepover with all day?

'Why did she not call the Dad? Instead of the friend she wanted a sleepover with all day?'

I've no idea. The op hasn't said if they have a good relationship perhaps the dd felt she'd be bothering him but I'm obviously only guessing.

What you do with kids is give them clear instructions 'my phone will be off, your df knows you're alone so ring him if worried'. That type of thing.

What decade are you in cos I can tell you, in 2023 there aren't many 12 year olds in work. Maybe you'd have had a paper round at that age in the 70s but not these days.

And yes I was travelling to school a hour by bus each way at that age, coming home in the dark, latch key kids, but no way even in the early 90s was I off on trains into the city all day at 12 alone.

And ski trips with school are FULLY SUPERVISED. You think the school would get away with telling the yr8s to just come back when they feel like it, or the year 10s to not get too pissed and to remember to use a condom?

We were out at 14 at night, we’d find ways to drink (ofcourse im not going to encourage my child to do that but we did it because its part of being a teenager). We’d tell our parents we were ‘just staying at a friends’. Luckily, tracking iphones and mobiles wasn’t invented them (if only we could go back to those days-I prefer the way parenting was back then).

The point I was making is 12 is hardly a baby. 12 year olds have lots of jobs whether its helping their parents in their business at the weekend, paper rounds, babysitting etc. I know a primary age child who gets paid to have a little job from a friend.

Im confused as to why a secondary age child being left in the safety of their own home (right next to someone they could go to in an emergency), is worse than hanging around the town in the day by the judgemental posts on here? If the daughter wasn’t ready, thats fine. Its lesson learnt and they can work on it. But posts saying 12 isnt old enough to stay on their own (in their own home) are ridiculous.

Honestly. We were all doing stuff like this no one is horrified that a 12 yr old was alone but the kid clearly didn't know what to do when her mum bizarrely turned her phone off. That is the point.

I did say I agree that is the only small mistake of the Mum. She should have made it very clear ring the Dad or neighbour etc if she is uncontactable and its an emergency.

My post was really to those horrified at a 12 year old in their own home on their own.

No, people aren't horrified at a 12 year old being left at home on their own. They are horrified her mum buggered off to a gig and switched her phone off after telling the child she could contact her if she needed to.

Agreed. There are some horrible posts on here. Bottom line is as someone said, mother wanted a night out, child is secondary to that.