Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

[SpringCalling]

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

They're totally different scenarios though and it's very rare that someone works somewhere where they are totally uncontactable. I work in a supermarket pharmacy, I always have my phone on me (in my pocket on vibrate) but if DD tried to call me and I didn't answer then she knows she can call the store directly and if she can't get directly through to the pharmacy to talk to me she can speak to someone in the store who can get a message to me in an emergency.

If DD was scared she may not have been thinking rationally or she may not have wanted to admit she wasn't capable of being home alone and was afraid that if she called her dad or another adult she would have been told off for being silly or gotten into trouble for causing a fuss, so instead she was talking to her friend and relaying her concern and her friend then relayed that to her mum who, as a responsible adult, did the right thing in immediately going round to check on her instead of just shrugging and telling her daughter to tell DD to phone her dad.

If she hadn't been talking with the friend she may well have thought to call her dad or another adult, but in the moment it seems like she got herself worked up (especially if she had called her mum repeatedly and got no answer each time) and the friend was worried so got an adult involved.

Numerous texts and missed calls, from the daughter, no I wouldn't, if I had my daughter's friend totally distraught to the extent that I went to collect her, and she has rung and rung her mum to no answer, why on earth would I waste my time ring or texting a mum when, clearly, if you have read the OP, the daughter has told the OP where she was. Exactly the circumstances of the daughter having let the mum know, and getting no reply, would mean that I wouldn't tell the mum myself.

I once got scared when I was babysitting at age 17 and rang my dad to come around! It wasn't rational.

I don't think 12 is quite the right age to be left alone in the evening, and I hate the use of words like 'minx' and 'madam' anyway, girls of 12 are just that, girls, not minxes or madams, it makes me feel a bit funny.

I think the friend's mum was kind and no harm was done, she obviously didn't want to stay home alone.

I don't know about you, but when I was 12 I wouldn't have been left by my parents for that time at night for precisely the reason that it is not ok in the evening if they are uncontactable.

I'm just remembering, once my dd aged 11 had to let herself in from school and became frightened she heard a noise so the neighbour took her in. I was extremely grateful to them! I don't think anyone has done anything wrong here, even the mum for not being available for an hour. In hindsight, she didn't want to be left alone and now you can change that in the future.

I think you were wrong, 12 is too young to be alone in the evening. Couple of hours in the day fine but evening is scarier.

Goodness I used to babysit other kids when I was 12!
The point is she got spooked and couldn't contact you. She did the right thing to call her friend, and the mother did the right thing in getting her.
I think 12 years old is fine, but she has to feel completely comfortable with it, and must be able to contact you.

@FeltedDogs

I think she's been a manipulative little minx. If she was really scared she would have rang mum.

She did. Repeatedly. 'loads' of times. It says so in the OP. Presumably that changes your opinion then, as she did do what you said she'd have done if she was 'really' scared?

So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls.

I would go so far as to say it is quite negligent to leave a 12yr old alone for 3 hours and turn your phone off.

Did the df know she was alone, why didn't she ring him?

Go out fine, but as everyone else has said you must be contactable. Did you thank the other parent profusely and apologise for the inconvenience?

I think your DD has just made her own bed in terms of babysitters in the future! Sounds like an attempt to wangle a sleepover.

All of you posters who have called this scared 12 year old girl manipulative, sneaky, minx, madam etc. are all unreasonable too and I wouldn'twant anything to do with any of you IRL. You should examine your behaviour and stop being so fucking horrible about kids!

Shocking😡😡😡.

I think you have been really unreasonable to leave a 12 year old at home and made yourself uncontactable.

Since mine was like that I can relate, it doesn't make me love her any less.
What you also need to think about is that being like that can get them into trouble with other people sometimes too, so it's actually reasonable to acknowledge it and deal with it, for their own sake.

Maybe I'm a bit paranoid on account of being a true crime fan but I would not be happy with her communicating to others that she is home alone at night. If she's not grown up enough to not be afraid then she's too young.

You know for next time. Everyone makes mistakes.

What a shitty post. And why a 'minx' that's usually a grubby, misogynistic term used to mean a young girl is being manipulative and 'flirty' 🤢...

Wholeheartedly agree, it's absolutely grim.

I couldn't agree more. Some fucking weird attitudes and comments about a little girl. Shameful. Oh and OP, she's too young. Think on.

Man by any chance?

This! I think it's madness to leave a 12 year old alone at night for hours. Can't believe so many people think this is absolutely fine.

And being uncontactable is totally unacceptable, you should be apologising to the other mum, not blaming her. Dear God.

You don’t go off and leave a 12 year old without being contactable.
Secondly your child is not mature enough to be left as she was either scared or was too immature to realise that you don’t pull a fast one like this as it worries parents and next time you might not be believed.
I have a 13 nearly 14 year old who I leave but she would never ever do this.

It's so weird that this (absent) OP was encouraging and seeking these types of comments about their own child.

Appalling that you turned your phone off and didn't check it. Leaving her was neither reasonable or unreasonable but not being contactable was shocking parenting. What were you thinking?!

I used to leave my 12 yr old home alone in the evenings about 1/2 times a month. She was fine with it as long as I got takeout for her 😂. I always had my phone on tho in case she needed me but from age 12 to15 when she was left home alone she never once called me for anything.

Oh dear, silly me, not realising that 12 year olds are never manipulative, regardless of evidence to the contrary. Thank goodness some of you on this thread understand the OP's daughter so much better than she does.

We don't need to know the dc. 12yr olds are not manipulative or 'little minxes' as a pp bizarrely suggested. Just awful to suggest they are. Parents are the ones responsible for looking after their kids appropriately.

Maybe, just maybe she was scared and was just talking to her pal about it.

I've never known anyone leave a 12yr old alone turn their phone off and not give the dc any kind of contingency plan .