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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

543 replies

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:34

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

OP posts:
SparklyBlackKitten · 30/04/2023 13:45

Ps the mum that came to pick up your kid should have tried calling you. I do agree with that.

NatashaDancing · 30/04/2023 13:46

2userspast3 · 30/04/2023 12:01

I'd think she was old enough to be left alone. But as she has "proved" otherwise by her behaviour, send her to her dads over let's say the next 6 months, before you trust her to stay at home by herself again. That'll show her that manipulation can have negative consequences.

What a nasty post.

If anyone has proved they aren't old enough or responsible enough it's the OP who lied about being contactable.

FeltedDogs · 30/04/2023 13:49

I think she's been a manipulative little minx. If she was really scared she would have rang mum. OP don't indulge her, she did something really shitty.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 13:50

FeltedDogs · 30/04/2023 13:49

I think she's been a manipulative little minx. If she was really scared she would have rang mum. OP don't indulge her, she did something really shitty.

Err, she did ring her mum. Multiple times. And text her too. Mum turned her phone off Hmm

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/04/2023 13:51

FeltedDogs · Today 13:49
I think she's been a manipulative little minx. If she was really scared she would have rang mum. OP don't indulge her, she did something really shitty”

You sound quite unpleasant.

SparkyBlue · 30/04/2023 13:52

YANBU leaving her alone if she was happy to stay by herself. I'm another one in the "back in my day" camp but honestly there were no mobile phones and we didn't even have a house phone until I was 19 so you just got on with it. However I do appreciate that for whatever reason she got a fright so I wouldn't necessarily get mad with her but I'd let her know she needs to go to her dads or get a babysitter next time as you won't be comfortable leaving her alone. You were out of contact for one hour FFS the way some people are carrying on you'd think you vanished without trace for the whole day.

MargaretThursday · 30/04/2023 13:53

Different 12yos are okay with different things.
One of mine would have had no problem.
One of mine I wouldn't have because he tendency to decide then was a good time to do something like make toffee/phone America/something else I would have thought about telling her she couldn't do.
And the third wouldn't have wanted to be left.

I'd be very thankful to the parent for coming and rescuing her and very apologetic to them and dd for not hearing the calls.

2userspast3 · 30/04/2023 13:56

NatashaDancing · 30/04/2023 13:46

What a nasty post.

If anyone has proved they aren't old enough or responsible enough it's the OP who lied about being contactable.

Show quote history

If she's scared of staying at home by herself, then give her a bit more time to mature over the next 6 months by sending her to her dad's when OP goes out. If she's not scared, then she was being manipulative. I do agree that OP should keep her phone on, but that doesn't mean that the DD wasn't trying to make use of her mum's evening out to get a sleepover. Plus if she was scared and wasn't being manipulative, it's surprising that she didn't call her dad when mum didn't pick up the phone.

I8toys · 30/04/2023 13:57

YANBU. Odd that she choose to be scared with friend A instead of with family members who she could have contacted instead.

JenWillsiam · 30/04/2023 13:58

Leaving child no.

Being uncontactable not ok.

Goldenbear · 30/04/2023 14:00

FeltedDogs · 30/04/2023 13:49

I think she's been a manipulative little minx. If she was really scared she would have rang mum. OP don't indulge her, she did something really shitty.

Lovely mysognistic term there - it doesn't make your point valid. The girl did try to ring her Mum - you haven't read the OP's post!

All these 'back in the day' posts do not strengthen posters' arguing for this to be ok as actually as some of us have pointed out, back in the day, some of us had parents that would not leave us with 12 year old babysitters, my babysitters were twin sisters and 18 and neither were we allowed to be on our own in the evening at 12, so it proves precisely nothing!

creativelady22 · 30/04/2023 14:00

There is no doubt she tried to get the sleepover but you are definitely unreasonable leaving and being uncontactable

shieldmaiden7 · 30/04/2023 14:02

I leave my 12 year old DD at home for a couple of hours during the day, I wouldn't at night unless her 17 or 18 year old brothers were at home.

To be uncontactable though is completely unreasonable. No wonder she was scared. She could have worried something happened to you. I do think she should have phoned her dad rather than a friend. That was a bit cheeky of her.

NatashaDancing · 30/04/2023 14:02

MrsSkylerWhite · 30/04/2023 13:51

FeltedDogs · Today 13:49
I think she's been a manipulative little minx. If she was really scared she would have rang mum. OP don't indulge her, she did something really shitty”

You sound quite unpleasant.

Extremely unpleasant.

The thread is moving quite quickly, but was it you who made the excellent point about how different the responses from those who think the daughter is in the worng would be if the responsible adult who went uncontactable had been male, or an in-law or a step-parent?

ReformedWaywardTeen · 30/04/2023 14:03

12 year old and phone on-line
12 year old and you may as well have not had your phone with you-not OK.

Having your phone on you, but silent is not on. You clearly missed a number of calls and messages as it's in the opening post.

Count yourself lucky friends mum didn't phone the authorities. I would have.

Goldenbear · 30/04/2023 14:04

2userspast3 · 30/04/2023 13:56

If she's scared of staying at home by herself, then give her a bit more time to mature over the next 6 months by sending her to her dad's when OP goes out. If she's not scared, then she was being manipulative. I do agree that OP should keep her phone on, but that doesn't mean that the DD wasn't trying to make use of her mum's evening out to get a sleepover. Plus if she was scared and wasn't being manipulative, it's surprising that she didn't call her dad when mum didn't pick up the phone.

Show quote history

Why is it surprising, she tried to call her Mum many times, they are separated parents, maybe she felt she would get her Mum in to trouble with the Dad, they are obviously not together for a reason. Plus, what is wrong with the option of a sleepover in the next 6 months, why the need to send her to her Dad's, what, just to prove a point, that's pathetic and mean especially as the OP was to blame!

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 30/04/2023 14:05

I don't understand people saying the child is manipulative.

The fact she trued to organise a sleepover all day is the first tell tale sign that she wasn't comfortable bring left alone.

Then you silence the phone are becom uncontactable which do not increased her anxiety.

I think the other mum did exactly what most people would do in the circumstances.

I think you are being unreasonable to prioritise your night out over the wellbeing of your child.

blahblahblah1654 · 30/04/2023 14:07

Leaving her at home is fine but ignoring her when she's trying to call you wtf. She's only 12! I'd struggle to trust or rely on a parent with an attitude like that.

FeltedDogs · 30/04/2023 14:10

Goldenbear · 30/04/2023 14:00

Lovely mysognistic term there - it doesn't make your point valid. The girl did try to ring her Mum - you haven't read the OP's post!

All these 'back in the day' posts do not strengthen posters' arguing for this to be ok as actually as some of us have pointed out, back in the day, some of us had parents that would not leave us with 12 year old babysitters, my babysitters were twin sisters and 18 and neither were we allowed to be on our own in the evening at 12, so it proves precisely nothing!

Show quote history

Christ 😅

LaMaG · 30/04/2023 14:22

The judgement and hysteria here is unreal. OP wasn't "uncontactable", she had her phone which she checked. It was a gap of 60 minutes FFS. Is a person not allowed be busy?? And child knew her mum was cycling for some of the time where answering isn't usually safe. What was she ringing for anyway? Say OP DID answer, would it be reasonable for her to drop her eve out and run home? This is a common attention seeking thing, older kids and teens phoning all the time and having a strop when not answered immediately. And how do we go from not answering for 60 mins to being dead in a ditch. Maybe it's excusable in 12 Yr old logic but not full grown adults.

1offnamechange · 30/04/2023 14:24

Everyone saying OP being uncontactable for an hour is so unreasonable - I agree it's not ideal but surely it's not that unusual. There are loads of jobs where you wouldn't be able to immediately get hold of someone if needed. Until a few years ago (or still today if you drive an old banger like me!) it would have been impossible to speak to someone while they were driving, etc.

If DD was that scared she would have tried ringing her dad or the neighbour 2 doors down. I agree it sounds like she just wanted the sleepover. Think it's fair to say that from now on she goes to her dads at least for the next year or two.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 14:26

1offnamechange · 30/04/2023 14:24

Everyone saying OP being uncontactable for an hour is so unreasonable - I agree it's not ideal but surely it's not that unusual. There are loads of jobs where you wouldn't be able to immediately get hold of someone if needed. Until a few years ago (or still today if you drive an old banger like me!) it would have been impossible to speak to someone while they were driving, etc.

If DD was that scared she would have tried ringing her dad or the neighbour 2 doors down. I agree it sounds like she just wanted the sleepover. Think it's fair to say that from now on she goes to her dads at least for the next year or two.

The point isn't just that she was uncontactable - it's that she told her child she would be contactable, then decided to switch her phone off with no prior warning.

Maybe she tried to ring her dad but her dad didn't answer either.
Maybe she didn't want to ring dad and cause an argument between her parents over her being left alone.
Maybe she just wanted reassurance from her mum, not some random neighbour down the road.

NewNovember · 30/04/2023 14:28

A 12 year old in the day time is fine but not 3 hours at night and uncontatable.

DemelzaandRoss · 30/04/2023 14:29

@LaMaG Your uncaring attitude is astounding but seems to be the norm now. This is simply an example of the OP wanting to go out in the evening, leaving her 12 yr old child on her own & not wanting anything to spoil her night out. Then asking for validation because it didn’t turn out the way she wanted.

NewNovember · 30/04/2023 14:31

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/04/2023 09:42

Little madam! Like hell she was scared. I'd love to see the mum's MN thread about it!

She called and texted her mother multiple times .