Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

[SpringCalling]

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

A 12 year old should be fine. I've left mine from that age in the evening. And they are fine. I think the mistake really was the child not being able to contact the parent, which then escalated to this. Whether they were trying it on or whether they really were scared, who knows.

Totally unreasonable to expect the other mum to have called you. She's already done you a big favour in going to get your daughter in a state of distress, why would she then NOT believe your daughter hadn't been able to get hold of you? It beggars belief that you are anything but grateful to the other parent.

Don’t be silly.

That way of thinking is taking into account DDs feelings and what’s best for her.

That is not allowed on Mumsnet.

(Unless it was the dad, any other male relatives, MIL or step mum that left her alone and turned their phones off then it would be a completely different story).

It's not unreasonable to expect an adult to let a parent know, if they were planning to go and collect their child. Especially under the circumstances. Would you go and collect someone's child without telling the parent? Not even a quick text saying you are doing that? And would you be happy for someone to do that to you?

How do you know she wasn't desperately trying to arrange a sleepover all day because she was anxious about being left home alone that night? She maybe didn't want to seem like a baby by having a babysitter or going to her dad's, but it doesn't mean she was ok with being alone.

Yes I would have assumed this tbh.

I have a 12 year old. He wouldn't be happy to be left that long on an evening. I was 14 before my parents left me (with a big dog). I was fine about it but still had the odd nervous moment when it was dark. There were no mobile phones then though. I think you are feeling angry towards everyone to deflect from the guilt of having made a poor decision on this occassion. Turning your phone off was worse than leaving her in, in my opinion. I wouldn't be javing a go at daughter or friends mum.

Absolutely! There would have been posts of
'NO CONTACT FROM NOW ON!'
'REPORT to SS!!!'
'Don't be surprised if dd is traumatised from this abandonment'
'They've clearly shown they can't safely parent'
But here? The DM is the 'victim' and the DD is a manipulative, controlling 'little madam'! 🙄

I don't think the other mother was unreasonable but in her place I would have also been calling you.

In future she does not get a choice and goes to her father.

You now know you really should have been contactable and had prepped her re neighbour/father, and probably text your neighbour as well.

I wouldn't have left her that long but each to their own.

You now know she goes to her father without further discussion.

I used to leave my 11 year old son at home alone every Saturday night because I worked until 10pm. I had little choice about that as my adult son moved away to uni and I had no family nearby. However, I only did it because he was really happy about it and not at all anxious. He knew the neighbours and their children. Could message me or call if necessary, although he rarely did and if he did it wasn't about anything important. Occasionally he did go to a friend's house but he really preferred to stay at home playing Xbox. He's not an anxious child and barely noticed I'd gone!

However, if he had been anxious about this arrangement I would not have done it. I don't think the friend's mum is unreasonable to collect your daughter but I would not have done that without at least messaging! If your daughter is trying it on next time she'll be more than happy to go to her dad's and won't put up an argument, so you should be able to tell!

Who is it that has 12 year olds babysitting their kids?
None of my friends have ever had 12yo sitters. Neither my DCs or their friends babysat at that age - 15/16 maybe.
I am mid-50s - I was left alone during the day at that age, but not in the evening/at night until I was 14/15 and none if my friends were either.

Dd has 2 parents she could contact if she was genuinely scared being left for 3 hours seems like she went straight for the sleepover option. Next time OP don't give her an option, Dad if he is available if not babysitter.

CwmYoy · Today 09:42
When I was 12 I was babysitting a neighbour's kids

Perfectly normal to leave a NT 12 year old home alone. Many that age are left in charge of siblings.

She's being manipulative- send her to her dad every time from now on.”

Anyone leaving a 12 year old responsible for younger children needs their head tested.

I think it’s a bit too young

Yabu but she's a child.
She tried to get what she wanted, it nearly worked. She knows next time it won't cos you go and fetch her.

But leaving her alone and then ignoring her for an hour is really shit and I'd be grateful that that's all you came home to. How late was it that 3 hours would have made it a sleepover rather than a play date? Too late to be going out knocking the neighbours doors if she's scared from the sounds of it.

As lots of people have already pointed out:

Not all 12yo's are the same.
There's a big difference between being alone after school and being alone past your bedtime with full responsibility for locking up the house.

I was also home alone everyday after school at that age, and all day in the school holidays, but I still felt uneasy being left home alone at night and being expected to put myself to bed in an empty house - it feels very different somehow.

I distinctly remember doing this myself at 11/12. I was independent, got the train to school 10 miles away and back every day, had a house key and was left alone until 6pm, spent days alone in the school holidays.

The first time I was left alone at night, I thought I’d be fine. I wasn’t, got myself into a tizz over it being dark and hearing noises and freaked out. Couldn’t get hold of my mum. Ended up ringing my dad and he collected me.

My mum went absolutely ballistic. It wasn’t deliberate, but I was told I was manipulative, untrustworthy. It was 30+ years ago and I remember it like it was yesterday.

YABU to leave her alone and turn your phone off. Did you even let her dad know she was alone and
you would be uncontactable so that he could check in/phone her? And to then make out she was being manipulative is really low. I would be thanking the friend’s mother for being there when you weren’t.

I think a 12 year old alone for a few hours is ok if she had access to phoning you - but you would have known you could not hear your phone ring and were ok about that - very neglectful.

You where non contactable while leaving a underage child alone... of course you are unreasonable.

Only 19 minutes away... you might as well have been on timbucktu if no one can reach you.

At 17 (so basically an adult who didn't even live there anymore) I was house sitting alone while my parents where on holiday and a drunk broke in a tried to rape me. Our big scary dog was utterly useless in protecting me too and ran and hid. My friends parents rushed over because I managed to press call on my phone for the last number I dialed and they heard him threatening me. Thank god they didn't ignore their phone for an hour.

I left my DD (my youngest child) on her own for a couple of hours in the evening once a week for my hobby - but I would never have dreamed of not having my phone on in case she needed me. I can't believe this didn't occur to you before people mentioned it on this thread.

I think your DD did the only thing she could reasonably have done in the circumstances.

What a sensible post.

12 is fine to come home from school and be on their own until early evening. Being left on their own in the late evening by a parent who turns their phone off - not fine at all.

I'm sceptical about the need to turn the phone off as it was "a music venue". That will be necessary at some venues and concerts but at others, say standing at a rock or indie gig, it could easily be left on with ring volume low or vibrate.

Who knows - maybe her father switches his phone off too.

Bring unreachable for an hour while your child is home alone is definitely unreasonable anything could have happened.

Given that the OP's daughter couldn't get in touch with OP it's beyond unreasonable to expect the other parent to do so. If I were the other parent I'd collect the child first and then think about letting the absent mother know.

YANBU leaving a 12yo for a few hours if you know they are usually ok with this, mature enough etc. However, you should have been contactable at all times - what if she had hurt herself and needed you to come home? That was extremely shortsighted.

Great parenting
Leaving your kid home alone and then turn your phone on silent
The fact that she was trying to arrange a sleepover indicates that she did not wanted to be home allone from the start
Why did you let it up to HER to decide if you would arrange a babysitter in the first place. You're her mum. Not her bestie. You are supposed to look out for her.