Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Protection built in.

Meet the Other Phone.
Protection built in.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

543 replies

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:34

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

OP posts:
wistfullyfocused · 30/04/2023 11:52

I wish my DD12 would stay alone! £80 on a sitter last night.

ThinWomansBrain · 30/04/2023 11:54

Sounds manipulative rather than scared.
If you can afford it, make sure she has the embarrassment of a babysitter for the next few occasions; refer to that person as the babysitter at all opportunities, and maybe reference that you've cut back on certain treats because of the cost of the babysitter.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 11:56

Okunevo · 30/04/2023 11:38

This depends on the child. Personally I wouldn't leave a child under 13 past 10pm as they may not feel ready to sleep in a house alone, but after dark is fine for most I'd say. In winter it's dark at 4pm and many 11 year olds are home for two hours after school then.

Show quote history

I think there's a significant difference between coming home from school in the dark, and your parents going out in the evening and leaving you home alone past your bedtime.

I still remember the first time I was left in the evening on my own past 9pm - I wouldn't say I was scared as such, but I wasn't comfortable going upstairs and to bed on my own in an empty house - I stayed downstairs with all the lights on and watched TV until my parents got back Grin

SchoolTripDrama · 30/04/2023 11:56

lunar1 · 30/04/2023 09:39

I think it's fine to leave a 12 year old who is happy for that length of time. I don't think it's ok to be somewhere you can't be contacted, she should have had a backup.

An hour is a long time for a scared child.

She wasn't scared! She said she was scared to friend & friend's mum in order to get the sleepover she was desperate for!

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 11:57

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 11:51

It may shock you to realise this, but not all 12 year olds are the same as you Hmm

Show quote history

Thats exactly why I posted if she is an anxious 12 year old, you could build it up one hour at a time.

But the vast majority of 12 year olds are ok in front of the tv for a few hours in a safe home.

The Mum and daughter had made the decision together (im presuming she had other emergency contacts in her phone like her Dad 5 mins away). She was offered a babysitter or her Dads and didnt want it. Lesson learnt for her for next time.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 11:57

SchoolTripDrama · 30/04/2023 11:56

She wasn't scared! She said she was scared to friend & friend's mum in order to get the sleepover she was desperate for!

Show quote history

Oh, I didn't realise you were in the 12yo's head at the time 🙄

Goldenbear · 30/04/2023 11:57

Kennykenkencat · 30/04/2023 10:59

The friends mum had no idea when the OP would get home and if the child is saying they are scared, what else could she do. Of you have any empathy you go to the child

The friends mum didn’t even try to find out.

The Dd was angling for a sleepover and op could have just gone out for an hour to go shopping or anything. But the friends mum took the word of the 12 year old without trying to contact op

Think the Dd will regret this as now she won’t be left alone ever. She will have to have a baby sitter or go to her dads.

Dd was doing a 34 mile round trip on various modes of public transport to and from central London school at 10 years old.
Having to deal with broken down trains and using the replacement bus service on her own.

I was living in a flat share at 16 and married at 17. At 12 year olds I was the baby sitter.

Well no, that is not the only option. In future, she could also go on sleepovers with friends if the OP is going out. To be vengeful with your own 12 year old, i.e "you will only be able to stay at your Dad's or have a babysitter now' is pretty sad and the actions of a petty person.

Sisisimone · 30/04/2023 11:58

I also used to babysit when I was young, 13/14 usually with a friend but look back now and think the parents must gave been absolutely fucking crazy. We thought it was great fun, being paid a few quid to have free run of someone else's house and fridge but we were totally unequipped for child care of any sort. If anything untoward had happened we would not have dealt with it well. I think parents just prayed their kids wouldn't wake up. One couple used to pay us a few quid to look after a small baby. Absolute madness. No way I'd even think about leaving my baby with a 12 year old

Goldenbear · 30/04/2023 11:58

ThinWomansBrain · 30/04/2023 11:54

Sounds manipulative rather than scared.
If you can afford it, make sure she has the embarrassment of a babysitter for the next few occasions; refer to that person as the babysitter at all opportunities, and maybe reference that you've cut back on certain treats because of the cost of the babysitter.

How sad and miserable to have such an outlook.

SchoolTripDrama · 30/04/2023 12:00

@SpringCalling You turned the sound off on your phone because the music in the venue was loud? Hmm Yeah that makes total sense

2userspast3 · 30/04/2023 12:01

I'd think she was old enough to be left alone. But as she has "proved" otherwise by her behaviour, send her to her dads over let's say the next 6 months, before you trust her to stay at home by herself again. That'll show her that manipulation can have negative consequences.

Okunevo · 30/04/2023 12:01

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 11:56

I think there's a significant difference between coming home from school in the dark, and your parents going out in the evening and leaving you home alone past your bedtime.

I still remember the first time I was left in the evening on my own past 9pm - I wouldn't say I was scared as such, but I wasn't comfortable going upstairs and to bed on my own in an empty house - I stayed downstairs with all the lights on and watched TV until my parents got back Grin

Show quote history

That's what I was saying, I wouldn't consider leaving a child after 10pm until they were 13, then depending on the child after that, because going to sleep alone is different to being home in the dark. The dark itself I wouldn't see as a problem.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 12:01

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 11:57

Thats exactly why I posted if she is an anxious 12 year old, you could build it up one hour at a time.

But the vast majority of 12 year olds are ok in front of the tv for a few hours in a safe home.

The Mum and daughter had made the decision together (im presuming she had other emergency contacts in her phone like her Dad 5 mins away). She was offered a babysitter or her Dads and didnt want it. Lesson learnt for her for next time.

Show quote history

But the point is that her mum broke her part of the deal by not being contactable.

Mum is the one who needs to learn a lesson from this - don't lie to your 12yo and say you'll always be contactable when you know that's not the case.

2bazookas · 30/04/2023 12:01

You cheated; you told DD she could contact you then turned off your phone.
She may have worried you'd had an accident. What an awful thing to do to her.

Her friend's mothers response to a cry for help from a scared 12 yr old , was exactly the right thing to do.

melj1213 · 30/04/2023 12:02

florenceandthemac · 30/04/2023 11:47

I assume she could have text or rang her dad if she couldn't get hold of you? So yes she was being manipulative/sneaky

How do you know she didn't try to ring her dad and he wasn't available? I've left 13yo DD home alone plenty of times and I always tell her who to contact in an emergency. That doesn't mean that I haven't had calls off her when she's had an issue when I've been an hour away and when I've asked her if she'd called the responsible adult on call (I always explicitly tell DD who is "on call" - her dad, my parents, my siblings, friend down the road etc - and it's always prearranged that that person has agreed to be on call and that they might get a call from DD) she's responded "Oh yeah, I forgot. I'll call them now. Thanks mum!"

12yo logic isn't the greatest and we don't know how it happened - OPs DD may have been messaging her friend through the evening (as tweens do) and had started getting herself more and more worked up as more and more messages/calls to her mum were going unanswered so that at this point it didn't even occur to her to the and contact her dad.

Meanwhile, friend has told her mum that DD is freaking out and she is, rightly concerned, that a 12 yo is home alone and scared so decides to go straight over rather than just think "not my problem".

Once she got there she could have asked DD to call her dad but perhaps she was more concerned with calming DD down and taking her home where she knew she was safe. We also don't know the friends mums circumstances - for all we know she had other children at home that were fine alone for 10/15 mins while she collected DD but she couldn't leave them unattended indefinitely while she waited for OP or her Ex to get in contact and come home, so she did the most logical thing of taking her back to her house so everyone was safe and supervised.

monsteramunch · 30/04/2023 12:05

ThinWomansBrain · 30/04/2023 11:54

Sounds manipulative rather than scared.
If you can afford it, make sure she has the embarrassment of a babysitter for the next few occasions; refer to that person as the babysitter at all opportunities, and maybe reference that you've cut back on certain treats because of the cost of the babysitter.

Yeah this will definitely help their relationship 🙄

DemelzaandRoss · 30/04/2023 12:06

@Goldenbear I absolutely agree with you.

BadNomad · 30/04/2023 12:06

How do you know she wasn't desperately trying to arrange a sleepover all day because she was anxious about being left home alone that night? She maybe didn't want to seem like a baby by having a babysitter or going to her dad's, but it doesn't mean she was ok with being alone.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 12:07

2bazookas · 30/04/2023 12:01

You cheated; you told DD she could contact you then turned off your phone.
She may have worried you'd had an accident. What an awful thing to do to her.

Her friend's mothers response to a cry for help from a scared 12 yr old , was exactly the right thing to do.

Yes, exactly!

If you know you won't be contactable for part of the night, you need to spell that out to your child so they won't panic - not just unilaterally decide to switch your phone off.

Goldenbear · 30/04/2023 12:07

2userspast3 · 30/04/2023 12:01

I'd think she was old enough to be left alone. But as she has "proved" otherwise by her behaviour, send her to her dads over let's say the next 6 months, before you trust her to stay at home by herself again. That'll show her that manipulation can have negative consequences.

Do people actually think like this about their own children, 'that will show her' mentality, wow, can't imagine being vengeful and spiteful to my own DC and overthinking this. The OP shouldn't have left her phone off, it is on the adult not the child and that's what she is - a child, not a teenager however much you may be wishing that the case!

Seeline · 30/04/2023 12:08

ThinWomansBrain · 30/04/2023 11:54

Sounds manipulative rather than scared.
If you can afford it, make sure she has the embarrassment of a babysitter for the next few occasions; refer to that person as the babysitter at all opportunities, and maybe reference that you've cut back on certain treats because of the cost of the babysitter.

I don't think a child would have rung/texted their mum on numerous occasions if they were being manipulative. They would've tried once and then been straight on the phone to their friend asking to come over
Numerous failed calls)texts sounds like an anxious child becoming more and more worried.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 12:09

2userspast3 · 30/04/2023 12:01

I'd think she was old enough to be left alone. But as she has "proved" otherwise by her behaviour, send her to her dads over let's say the next 6 months, before you trust her to stay at home by herself again. That'll show her that manipulation can have negative consequences.

Or maybe her mum, a grown adult, can just keep her promise next time, and not switch her phone off with no prior warning?

Remagirl · 30/04/2023 12:12

Our 13 year old is fine left at home for a few hours. If we go out for supper or to the cinema and he doesn't fancy it he's happy staying at home. We did this when he was 12 too. He suggested it so okay by us. We would only travel to our nearest town tbh as it's easy enough to get home. We live in a very safe, rural area. He licks the door, not allowed to use the cooker, kettle etc but can use microwave. I think you know yourself if this is okay for your child. We have pets so the house never really feels empty.

Novynu · 30/04/2023 12:25

I don’t get these responses? I was given a key to let myself in the house after school in year 7 at 11 years old and got home at 4 every day when my parents wouldn’t be back until 7.30 most evenings. And that was around 2007 and onwards. A 12 year old should be fine for 3 hours. I was cooking dinner for me and my siblings if parents worked late at that age.

booksandbrooks · 30/04/2023 12:28

Babysitting used to be a 12 year old girl's job. I do
worry about this generation. They've missed a lot of important non supervised peer time that builds resilience.

Yeah, you should definitely have checked your phone and the other mother definitely should have contacted you first - just a text to explain. She was in an awkward position though.

But, given DD wanted a sleepover with friend and ended up with friend (rather than neighbour/ dad/ any of the specified adults close by) I'd just be very sure she doesn't get that another time, and explain that as she's not comfortable alone she'll have a baby sitter next time.