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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Twelve year old at home alone, friend's parent "rescued" her

543 replies

SpringCalling · 30/04/2023 09:34

Hello
I'd like a reality check into whether I have lost the plot or not, Have a 12 year old DD. Last night I went out for 3 hours to a venue a 19 minute cycle away. She does not like babysitters and said no to the option of going to her dads. I have left her in the evening once before - for a couple of hours at a school do. So i thought ok will let her stay in her own again, she can call me if needed etc.
All day she had tried to get a sleepover with Friend A and it had not come off.
So i go out, one hour in I check my phone (had turned sound off as music venue) and loads of texts and calls. In short, she'd been on phone to Friend A saying she was scared and alone. And Friend A's mum had come to pick her up and taken her to her home! I left immediately and went to Friend A's home to bring her back. I apologised to DD that she was scared and have said in future she will just have to go to her dads etc. But I suspect master manipulation - she nearly got that sleepover after all. Plus not sure how to think about the friend's mum just picking her up, not calling me. I was incommunicado for an hour, but she didn't even try. Have i lost the plot? Was i unreasonable leaving 12 year old home alone for 3 hours?

OP posts:
Snowpatrolling · 30/04/2023 11:24

I leave my nearly 12 year old when I go to work. However I always answer her texts and calls and never turn my phone off. I keep it on silent but it’s always checked/vibrates.
so not wrong for leaving her but I’d say an error by turning your phone off.

Jonei · 30/04/2023 11:25

But I think this thread is BS.

Why?

thecatsthecats · 30/04/2023 11:25

It doesn't really matter if the 12yo was being manipulative, because OP left the door wide open for the manipulation to happen by being uncontactable.

Daughter texts in the first hour - "I'm feeling a bit scared actually, can I go to Jane's?"
Mum - "No, I'll text your dad first, we have Brownies first thing."

To be honest, I was a 12yo who took opportunities to my advantage - because my parents were needlessly strict about my social life. In this case, I'd love to hear why it was OK for the OP to go out and enjoy herself but deny her kid the chance to do the same?

ShowUs · 30/04/2023 11:26

Blobblobblob · 30/04/2023 11:24

Totally manipulative behaviour, and she's 12, of course she should be fine for a few hours.

The other mother was bang out of order to interfere without talking to you.

How could she talk to her first if OP had turned her phone off.

The other mum did the right thing.

Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 11:27

LindorDoubleChoc · 30/04/2023 09:42

Little madam! Like hell she was scared. I'd love to see the mum's MN thread about it!

She did try to call her mum multiple times so she might have been scared. If she’d gotten hold of her mum she wouldn’t have had to contact the friend…

what’s the “mum’s MN thread” ?

Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 11:27

she could have been really scared. She might have said she was fine, and expected to be fine, but got really scared once she was alone at night

TheaBrandt · 30/04/2023 11:28

It’s a tricky in between age

Nimbostratus100 · 30/04/2023 11:28

I think YABU

Jonei · 30/04/2023 11:29

ShowUs · 30/04/2023 11:26

How could she talk to her first if OP had turned her phone off.

The other mum did the right thing.

Show quote history

The other mum didn't even try presumably no missed calls or texts. I would at least drop a courtesy text.

updin · 30/04/2023 11:29

Why?

Too much detail that is rife for criticism "I said no to her dads", turning her phone off so not contactable. The fact it was a music venue. Parents may well do that, but those that do would know not to easily admit that on a thread asking if their child was right to be "rescued". It's stoking criticism.

kittensinthekitchen · 30/04/2023 11:29

Blobblobblob · 30/04/2023 11:24

Totally manipulative behaviour, and she's 12, of course she should be fine for a few hours.

The other mother was bang out of order to interfere without talking to you.

How was the other parent to speak to the OP? She wasn't contactable.

Should she have just told the 12 year old "tough shit"?

offtogloucester · 30/04/2023 11:29

MrsElijahMikaelson1 · 30/04/2023 09:42

YAVU to have your phone off. What the fuck were you thinking? And no, I wouldn’t have left my 12 year old all evening.

I agee

Whochangedmynamec · 30/04/2023 11:30

12 is too young. They do get scared in the dark. Lesson learned

zingally · 30/04/2023 11:32

Leaving her - okay, if she's happy with the idea. But being uncontactable isn't okay.
Yes, this may have been some manipulation on your dds part, but the answer is clear for next time, "I'm sorry you were scared dd. We'll have to get you a babysitter next, as perhaps you are a bit young to be home alone!"

There's nothing a 12 year old hates more than being called immature!

ZiriForEver · 30/04/2023 11:36

It is possible that 12 yo scared herself from fun to real while chatting with the friend, so it happened naturally, that the friend's mother got involved.
Yes, she should had sent a message to you (even when you were uncontactable) as well, but otherwise her behaviour makes sense.

No big deal. Next time if you suppose you might be uncontactable, be very clear about who is "today's on call duty" (and agree it with that other adult), and it will be fine.

GeneHuntsCowboyBoots · 30/04/2023 11:38

We often go for a drive for a cuppa to a place about 30 minutes away and my DS is now 13. Sometimes he doesn’t want to come and DH always used to say “he’ll be fine”. But in my mind, anything could happen to him, or us (traffic, accident etc), so if he stayed home, I always used to make sure there was someone to hand who could get there quicker than us, like my friend round the corner. Otherwise I wouldn’t go.

So, I don’t think YABU as such because all kids and circumstances are different and at that age they should start to be independent. I also don’t think the other parent was in the wrong either. They were put in an awkward situation. It does sound like your daughter knew what she was doing!

Also, haven’t read all the thread so apologies if I’m repeating.

Okunevo · 30/04/2023 11:38

Whochangedmynamec · 30/04/2023 11:30

12 is too young. They do get scared in the dark. Lesson learned

This depends on the child. Personally I wouldn't leave a child under 13 past 10pm as they may not feel ready to sleep in a house alone, but after dark is fine for most I'd say. In winter it's dark at 4pm and many 11 year olds are home for two hours after school then.

Comedycook · 30/04/2023 11:40

Can you imagine if this was a dad posting? Or a mum who's ex did this? Buggered off to the pub and was not contactable....he's be absolutely flamed.

User2538309 · 30/04/2023 11:40

We coddle kids far too much now. When I was 12 I was babysitting neighbours’ kids and perfectly capable of being at home alone for 3 hours. No mobile phone for contact either. I guess between the ages of 10-13 there’s a huge range of maturity and trustworthiness, some 10 year olds are more mature than some 13 year olds.

I think you probably shouldn’t have been uncontactable for an hour, and it is possible for her to have got scared, so I wouldn’t 100% assume manipulation on her part.

I agree with others that she has shown herself to not be mature enough to be left alone so it’s go with you, go to her dads, or babysitter.

DollyPlop · 30/04/2023 11:47

Did you wear Lycra OP?

florenceandthemac · 30/04/2023 11:47

I assume she could have text or rang her dad if she couldn't get hold of you? So yes she was being manipulative/sneaky

ShowUs · 30/04/2023 11:50

User2538309 · 30/04/2023 11:40

We coddle kids far too much now. When I was 12 I was babysitting neighbours’ kids and perfectly capable of being at home alone for 3 hours. No mobile phone for contact either. I guess between the ages of 10-13 there’s a huge range of maturity and trustworthiness, some 10 year olds are more mature than some 13 year olds.

I think you probably shouldn’t have been uncontactable for an hour, and it is possible for her to have got scared, so I wouldn’t 100% assume manipulation on her part.

I agree with others that she has shown herself to not be mature enough to be left alone so it’s go with you, go to her dads, or babysitter.

I was regularly left at aged 4 and onwards.

Just because it happened it doesn’t mean it was right.

There is no way I’d leave my 12 year old whilst I went out with my mates in the evening and told her to contact me if needed and then turn my phone off.

It’s literally basic parenting

If I was desperate to go out then I would leave my phone on and told her dad or someone what was happening.

I would be absolutely raging if my DD went to her dads and I found out he had gone out for the evening and turned his phone off.

If she was scared I would be thankful to the one person who actually picked their phone up and took the time to go and get her.

.

Seeline · 30/04/2023 11:51

florenceandthemac · 30/04/2023 11:47

I assume she could have text or rang her dad if she couldn't get hold of you? So yes she was being manipulative/sneaky

OP hasn't said that the DD didn't try to contact her Dad.....

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 11:51

Hellybelly84 · 30/04/2023 11:21

She’s 12 - I had a weekend job then. I could stay home for 2 hours in front of the tv.

The replies are as if we are talking about a 7 year old here.

Show quote history

It may shock you to realise this, but not all 12 year olds are the same as you Hmm

DemelzaandRoss · 30/04/2023 11:52

I can vividly remember being left on my own for a few hours when I was your DC’s age. I did become extremely anxious, especially as it was dark & I kept hearing strange noises. Our house had previously been burgled & I was imagining thieves again.
Sorry OP but your DC just isn’t ready to be home alone yet. Please be sympathetic.