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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Curfew for 16 year old daughter

104 replies

JMSA · 30/04/2023 02:12

For anyone with a 16 year old daughter (nearly 17 in my case), I'd be interested to know what time they must be home by at weekends.
My daughter has her first boyfriend, and I understand that this is very new and exciting for her. She and her best friend have been round his house tonight. She is still not home (it's just after 2am) and I am furious. I was visiting my dad in hospital in a different city today, and didn't see my daughter before she left to go out. So we hadn't agreed on a time, which is probably unreasonable of me. However she could take it as read that 2am is much, much too late. Her friend is sleeping over here, which means I'm also responsible for someone else's child. Daughter was answering my texts earlier, but is now ignoring my calls. I am worried but also furious. It is unacceptable and inconsiderate on her part.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Mumma · 30/04/2023 02:14

Could she have fallen asleep?

At that age, I'd have been drunk and some of my friends would get really worse for wear...

Original poster
JMSA · 30/04/2023 02:15

As I pressed post, I received an apologetic phone call from my daughter. She is safe and on her way back. I'm still raging though, not least because I haven't been able to sleep!
I'm a single parent and unsure if I've lost perspective on this. I think I'm being reasonable to expect her home much earlier, but your thoughts would be appreciated Smile

OP posts:
SammyScrounge · 30/04/2023 02:26

You are right to. Think that 16.is far too young to be out until 2am. And are you sure that her best friend was there too? Unless it was actually a party at the BF's house dragging her friend along on a date seems a little odd.

Summerof76a · 30/04/2023 02:26

At that age I'd want her home by midnight on a Fri and Sat. Much earlier in the week. It's your home so you get to set the rules.

Original poster
JMSA · 30/04/2023 02:28

I don't think it's odd for young people to hang out together at someone's house. He had a friend there too, and they seem to get on well as a four. But I do agree that it's far too late.

OP posts:
LovedmyRaleighChopper · 30/04/2023 02:28

Sounds like this is a situation where you’ve never explicitly given her a time to be home by as it’s never been called for. So she isn’t going against directions but you feel against the spirit of what’s acceptable? At least she’s apologetic but yeah, 02:00 for a 16 year old without a previous dispensation for an occasion (party? Concert?) and discussion of transport and communication feels much too late and is definitely pushing it. But that’s what teens do. Maybe she thought as the focus was off her and on your unwell father she could push it a bit. Anyway, a 16 year old out till then on an ordinary night wouldn’t be flying in my house. Bed obviously as soon as they return but I’d be having a long discussion in the morning around safety, communication and expectations of behaviour in the future. At least they’re safe so alls well and all that but I wouldn’t be tiptoeing round in the morning while they try to catch up with sleep either but then I’m nasty like that.

Original poster
JMSA · 30/04/2023 02:30

Thanks so much for the replies.
And don't you worry @LovedmyRaleighChopper, the hoover will be out as early as is acceptable for the neighbours Grin

OP posts:
Original poster
JMSA · 30/04/2023 02:37

Eventually got home at 2.35am.

OP posts:
Danikm151 · 30/04/2023 03:11

At that age I was expected home by 9 then 10.
I was a big fan of the round robin( friends say we were stopping at each other’s houses) then be out all night… usually drunk. looking back it was horrendous and the “cool” guys we hung out with were creeps.
She needs a dose of reality and ground rules.

LadyJ2023 · 30/04/2023 03:39

Our teens are all expected to be home by 10 and that goes for the wider family teens aswell. Never have a problem with it most of the teens there out with in our town are related ones lol but half the time there here before then and they never push to stay late because they won't get it. Half is we don't want them being a nuisance to others with rowdiness etc and half is knowing there safe home so I can sleep well 🤣

TheSandgroper · 30/04/2023 03:45

This guy https://darta.net.au/ presents all over Australia and our school gets him in every year.

His rule is your child is out to the time that matches your year. Yr 11 = 11pm, for example. I have stuck to this, all DC’s mates know where she got the rule so they don’t argue with it because they all heard the exact same message and we have had no problems.

Next year, she is on her own so we shall see how that goes.

Drug and Alcohol Research and Training Australia

https://darta.net.au/

BSB30 · 30/04/2023 03:56

I have a 16 year old and during summer months, she has to be back home by 10pm. When nights get darker, it's 9pm.

I'd be absolutely fuming if she turned up at 2am.

Summerslimtime · 30/04/2023 06:03

Is she Year 12? In 6th form we would be out clubbing until 2am, but not just generally out round someone's house, unless it was a party and we were sleeping over.

Whatonearth3 · 30/04/2023 06:08

When I was 16 I was expected home by 10pm, maybe 11 if it was a planned party and one of my parents/friends’ parents brought us home.

At the time I thought this was extremely unfair, but looking back as adult it was the right choice. My parents saved me from a lot of dodgy situations by enforcing this rule! Once I got to sixth form things eased a little.

Luckypom · 30/04/2023 06:16

@JMSA

My mom used to do this (rammed it right into my bedroom door 😂) wonderful cure for hungover teens. P.s glad all has ended well though

GoodChat · 30/04/2023 06:39

She wasn't at her boyfriends. She was out drinking in a field.

SpaceJamtart · 30/04/2023 06:42

When I was 16 it was home by 11 on weekends or 10 on school nights.
Unless I agreed something with my Mum beforehand, and it didn't count if I rang her when I was out to ask for more time.
2am is too late but you didn't agree a time for her to come home and she might have lost track of how late it was as there was no set curfew to think about.
I would probably put this one down as experience and tell her for the future its home by 11 unless she agrees something with you before she goes out.

Imnoonesfool · 30/04/2023 06:50

I have a 16 (almost 17) yr 12. And he has to be in at 12 on weekends and if i have a load of them over here at mine then I ask that they are all gone by 12. He has tried to renegotiate a few times (usually around 11.55) as quite a few of his friends are allowed out a bit later but I stick with 12 at the moment. Mainly because I sometimes have to get him, or alternatively I’m waiting up.

Slavica · 30/04/2023 07:07

My DD just turned 15 and has her first boyfriend. Our rule is home by 9 on a school night and by 10:30 on the weekend. She can ask to stay out later and we then discuss it. On the weekend we generally allow her to stay out later if it is a planned party and she gets picked up by us or a friend's parent or she is at someone's house (with parents present).
If she is delayed, she sends me a message so we don't worry and plan for how she gets home. She is very good about this, which is why we don't stress about minor delays and have had relatively few fights about this issue lately.
I, like you, would be angry if she stayed out that late without communicating with us, I would worry a lot.

She says we are stricter than most of her friends' parents with her curfews, but I have no way of checking that and also it's really not pertinent what works for someone else's family. Her boyfriend can stay out later and we've had discussions about how there are more potential dangers for girls than boys out in the city.

In coming up with the curfew, these are our considerations: her schoolwork needs to be done before she goes out, we live in an apartment and all of us work/go to school so coming in late on a weeknight can disturb other family members' sleep (and my DH is a horrid sleeper); on a weekend, I am much less worried if she is at someone's home with parents present (including her BF's home) than walking around in the city, though our (European) city is quite safe.

Lex345 · 30/04/2023 07:23

My almost 17yr old usually can stay out until 930pm if they are coming back on public transport, 1030pm if we are picking them up/they are getting a lift in the week. At weekends it depends what they are doing and how they are getting home, but don't mind a little later if we are picking up, DH stays up late most nights anyway, so midnight if DS is at is girlfriend's is quite common.

2am or later without prior arrangement and he would be grounded!

SoTedious · 30/04/2023 07:25

DD is coming up for 17 and doesn't really have a curfew - it depends on how late someone is prepared to stay up to give her a lift home. Usually around midnight but DH has lasted until the small hours occasionally. Just weekends though, she tends to stay in on school nights.

As long as we know who she's with and where they're going that's the main thing. And that she doesn't walk home on her own late at night. So 2am would be fine here as long as it was agreed in advance. Ignoring calls and staying out much later than she knew you would have agreed is v annoying and I would be pissed off at that too.

FrenchandSaunders · 30/04/2023 07:31

Blimey some of you are a bit strict with this age group! The OPs DD should have messaged to stop her worrying but 9.30/10 for 16/17 year olds! Mine didn’t have a curfew at that age, I just needed to know where they were. They were also starting to do festivals/holidays with friends … I had no idea what time they headed back to their tents.

At what age will you drop the ‘curfew’. Some of these kids will go mad at uni.

Clarabell77 · 30/04/2023 07:34

Summerslimtime · 30/04/2023 06:03

Is she Year 12? In 6th form we would be out clubbing until 2am, but not just generally out round someone's house, unless it was a party and we were sleeping over.

Same here but they don’t seem to do that nowadays (thankfully) - I think it’s a lot harder to get into places under age now.

Lex345 · 30/04/2023 07:37

I don't think we are overly strict with the times-DS has college in the week, so needs his rest-and its earlier for public transport so he is safe (for context, DS is on the spectrum and has very poor risk appraisal). In the holidays, the time is less important than a-agreement on time (I think this is respectful) b-how he is getting home and c-what they are doing.

If there was a specific event like a festival or gig that finished later, I wouldn't object to a later time-but would probably pick them up.

confessionstoday · 30/04/2023 07:40

Ds16 10 pm on school night. 10-30pm other nights. He has been allowed to parties and stops later but that's by agreement in advance.
Tbh he's normally home earlier than his curfew anyway. But we live rurally and there isn't much for them to do