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Original poster

Curfew for 16 year old daughter

104 replies

JMSA · 30/04/2023 02:12

For anyone with a 16 year old daughter (nearly 17 in my case), I'd be interested to know what time they must be home by at weekends.
My daughter has her first boyfriend, and I understand that this is very new and exciting for her. She and her best friend have been round his house tonight. She is still not home (it's just after 2am) and I am furious. I was visiting my dad in hospital in a different city today, and didn't see my daughter before she left to go out. So we hadn't agreed on a time, which is probably unreasonable of me. However she could take it as read that 2am is much, much too late. Her friend is sleeping over here, which means I'm also responsible for someone else's child. Daughter was answering my texts earlier, but is now ignoring my calls. I am worried but also furious. It is unacceptable and inconsiderate on her part.
What would you do?

OP posts:
Curtains70 · 30/04/2023 07:40

Is she in 6th form? I didn't have a curfew at that age but had to let Mum know a rough idea when I'd be home.

I was out clubbing most weekends to be honest and that was very normal for 17 year olds.

Do people really expect 6th form age teenagers home at 9:30?!

LisaD1 · 30/04/2023 07:41

I think you need to have an honest chat with her about your boundaries. My DD is 14, almost 16. She has a group of friends and a bf who all live within a few mins walk of home. They all have to be home by 9 in the week) as one of the boys has a job that starts early and needs to sleep) weekends we just tell her not to take the piss, she knows we go up around midnight and if she comes in after that it disturbs us as the dogs go mad. So far she’s not let us down.

LisaD1 · 30/04/2023 07:42

LisaD1 · 30/04/2023 07:41

I think you need to have an honest chat with her about your boundaries. My DD is 14, almost 16. She has a group of friends and a bf who all live within a few mins walk of home. They all have to be home by 9 in the week) as one of the boys has a job that starts early and needs to sleep) weekends we just tell her not to take the piss, she knows we go up around midnight and if she comes in after that it disturbs us as the dogs go mad. So far she’s not let us down.

15 almost 16!

Poopoolittlekitten · 30/04/2023 07:44

Home by 10pm unless it’s a special event, pre-arranged for some reason.
but friends can come sleep over or they can be at a friends for s/o where we know parents have similar rule.

Summerslimtime · 30/04/2023 07:46

It does seem different now. The summer of GCSEs we were at festivals for the weekend. Then it's only 2 years and you're living in a different city for university. Better to find your feet in your hometown first??

AlwaysAlba · 30/04/2023 07:50

Mine don’t have curfews, but they fully appreciate I need to know beforehand locations and times planned (with half an hour leeway) - if they change from that I expect courtesy in letting me know so I don’t worry and for safety reasons. They know that DH and I also communicate if plans change, so they don’t feel they are treated differently. I’ve three adult children who this has worked for already, and it’s how I was treated at that age.

timetochangeagainagain · 30/04/2023 08:01

When I was about that age I had to be home by 10pm but the exception was that if I was in someone's home (and my parents knew the family), I could stay out till 1am as long as I had a secure lift home to the door (from one of the family friends).

FrenchandSaunders · 30/04/2023 08:11

@Summerslimtime absolutely whilst parents are around.

DoggosAloud · 30/04/2023 08:23

Year 11, age 16, we’d arrange a time specific to what they were doing. Usually by midnight, occasionally later, but they didn’t go out much at all this close to exams.

After GCSEs/Year 12, age 16+, they just had to let me know what time they would be home, if they were staying at a friends so not to expect them home and if plans changed. At this point they occasionally be away for a week visiting/with friends. Again, they just had to keep in touch and let me know they were ok.

Bayleaf25 · 30/04/2023 08:27

Midnight is usual at the weekend here (although luckily DD self regulates so no official curfew). It would be earlier in the week (although she likes her sleep so is usually in bed by 10!).

If it was pre agreed I’d be fine with 2am once in a while, if she’d planned how to get home etc.

coffeecupsandwaxmelts · 30/04/2023 08:29

I didn't have a set curfew at that age - it would depend on what I was doing.

But some of these responses are quite surprising to me - 10pm for a 17yo seems ridiculously early. I was out later than that at 15 in the summer!

Tradescantia252 · 30/04/2023 08:35

No curfew here (17yo) but we do discuss how she is going to get home (eg I don't want to be doing a 2am pick up if I have something to get up for the next day.) I am more relaxed if she can get home safely under her own steam and with a friend.

LynetteScavo · 30/04/2023 08:36

Poopoolittlekitten · 30/04/2023 07:44

Home by 10pm unless it’s a special event, pre-arranged for some reason.
but friends can come sleep over or they can be at a friends for s/o where we know parents have similar rule.

Exactly this.

I would have gone and got the girls -
Or sent an Uber.

lepricon · 30/04/2023 08:40

If I trusted her - 10 weeknights - midnight weekends.

If I didn't trust her - 10 across the board.

Handpickled · 30/04/2023 08:41

We don’t have a curfew I just ask that we are kept in touch. A year later and they are off to uni or expected to balance work and social lives. I want them to build these skills. If you have a generally thoughtful teen they will do ok at this. If not then that boundary will just cause communication breakdown with an older but still immature teen. Anything they are doing at 2am they can be doing at 9pm - the boundary isn’t protective. Mine is rarely out after 11pm as he is thoughtful of the whole house but I am happy for him to be out much later as long as the communication is there. I have occasionally gone late and collected a carful of drunk teens and redistributed them home.

Stripycatz · 30/04/2023 08:49

Never had curfews here. Just insist on regular and honest communication. And they must have a solid plan of how they're going to get home. Dc's are 17 and 19.

Whatever your approach, there's always going to be some sleepless nights and worry, no need to turn it into a battle ground.

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 30/04/2023 08:59

Mine is in Y12.
My issue is more around what she is doing after hours (as I know exactly what I was up to) but as she can't get into a pub or club, there's a lot of 'hanging around' instead. I ask that she lets me know what time she is planning to come back, if indeed she is going to be home and if she wants a lift it's not too late (unless it's an emergency obv). She usually turns up, often with her gf or a mate, around midnight but due to tubes running all night, it is getting later on the weekends.

Bbq1 · 30/04/2023 09:03

17 year old. He doesn't have a curfew because it's dependent on what he's doing. I ask him what time the event roughly finishes. Say for example a gig finished around 11. I'd want him in by 12. He works a Saturday job in a kitchen. It's evenings and that can be a 1. 30am finish which I'm not keen on. He's very sensible and reliable but I am working on my tendency to catastrophise. I do however think there are potential risks out there for young men and boys, not just for girls.

IheartNiles · 30/04/2023 09:04

Mine didn’t have a curfew at that age but we had some rules then. Had to be in someone’s house if out late ie not hanging out in the street/park. Keep in touch and message me when leaving and how she would be getting home.

SoTedious · 30/04/2023 09:05

Then it's only 2 years and you're living in a different city for university. Better to find your feet in your hometown first??

This is the point I think - I want her to have experience of being out past 10pm before she does it at uni in a strange place with people she doesn't know very well.

AlbaDT · 30/04/2023 09:06

We don’t have a set curfew as such, it is negotiated depending on the reason she’s going out. Normally at a party it’s 12.

Dachshund40 · 30/04/2023 09:12

How far off 17 is she as you said it’s not far away. Next year she’ll be 18 and legally an adult, I would start to relax rules and curfews a little. Surprised at how strict some of these curfew times are.

SoTedious · 30/04/2023 09:17

Also it's more like - roughly what time do you think you'll be home and how are you getting back - rather than a curfew. If she wants to stay out later than originally planned that's fine, but she knows to let me know, otherwise I will worry if it's late at night.

Thinking about it, even coming home from college in the daytime, if she normally gets home at eg 2pm but decides to stay and revise in the library, she would probably let me know. DH and I do the same, we all know roughly what time to expect each other, makes it easier to sort food / use of car etc.

Summerof76a · 30/04/2023 09:19

Anything they are doing at 2am they can be doing at 9pm - the boundary isn’t protective

But by 2am they can be a lot drunker than they were at 9pm.

Boundaries are good for young people - they can give them protection. A young girl can tell a boyfriend who is pressurising her "no, I can't go back to yours - mum wants me home." It gives them time to mature until they are able to just say "no" if they don't want to do something.

At 16/17 they can't get into pubs/clubs so will just be hanging around.

DD is 18 now, no curfew but she's earned my trust and I have her friends' phone numbers and they have mine. They look out for one another but know I'm a phone call away if they ever need picking up - no questions asked.

ImAGoodPerson · 30/04/2023 09:22

@JMSA mine don't have a curfew, the agreement is that they tell me where they are going and what time they are likely to be back. They are brilliant and keeping me informed, as much as I am sure it annoys them they always let me know where they are or if they are moving on from the place they are at.

I don't really see why it matters if they come in at 11pm or 2am, the main issue is that most parents (incl me) don't really sleep till they are home safe and sound, however personally I feel like this is part and parcel of parenting older teens, a bit like know if you have a baby you are up and down all night for a period of time.