Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Curfew for 16 year old daughter

104 replies

JMSA · 30/04/2023 02:12

For anyone with a 16 year old daughter (nearly 17 in my case), I'd be interested to know what time they must be home by at weekends.
My daughter has her first boyfriend, and I understand that this is very new and exciting for her. She and her best friend have been round his house tonight. She is still not home (it's just after 2am) and I am furious. I was visiting my dad in hospital in a different city today, and didn't see my daughter before she left to go out. So we hadn't agreed on a time, which is probably unreasonable of me. However she could take it as read that 2am is much, much too late. Her friend is sleeping over here, which means I'm also responsible for someone else's child. Daughter was answering my texts earlier, but is now ignoring my calls. I am worried but also furious. It is unacceptable and inconsiderate on her part.
What would you do?

OP posts:
ImAGoodPerson · 30/04/2023 09:24

We do also have other rules/suggestions, eg no walking round aimlessly or hanging round parks/commons.

budgiegirl · 30/04/2023 09:25

IheartNiles · 30/04/2023 09:04

Mine didn’t have a curfew at that age but we had some rules then. Had to be in someone’s house if out late ie not hanging out in the street/park. Keep in touch and message me when leaving and how she would be getting home.

This. We would discuss times, what they were doing, where they would be, and how they would get home. No particular curfew, especially at weekends, but I would expect them to reply if I texted them.

You didn't agree a curfew, so can't really complain that your DD didn't come in until 2am. But I can understand you being cross about the lack of communication.

ImAGoodPerson · 30/04/2023 09:26

Curtains70 · 30/04/2023 07:40

Is she in 6th form? I didn't have a curfew at that age but had to let Mum know a rough idea when I'd be home.

I was out clubbing most weekends to be honest and that was very normal for 17 year olds.

Do people really expect 6th form age teenagers home at 9:30?!

It's another world on here isn't it! In RL I don't know ANY 16/17 yo who have to be home that early, or even have a curfew. It's bizarre. We are quite strict in many ways with our DCs but I totally feel like they need to learn independence from a young age so to me this is just one other part of it.

Fansandblankets · 30/04/2023 09:26

My daughter has just turned 17. Son is 16. Depends on where she is as to what time she has to be home. If she’s not actually going somewhere it’s 9pm. She went to an under 18’s disco last week and it finished at 10pm so I picked her up. Just hanging around at friends houses it’s 10pm latest. There’s not much to do under 18 where we live, no one seems to have parties and her friends all have similar curfews so it’s not been an issue.

2am? I’d be absolutely furious. I’ve never grounded her but for that I would.

Summerslimtime · 30/04/2023 09:28

She's 17!!!

SoTedious · 30/04/2023 09:28

At 16/17 they can't get into pubs/clubs so will just be hanging around.

Ours go to people's houses or to the local cafe bar which is open pub hours. Now that the weather is improving they'll spend a lot of time in the park or at the beach. All of those are fine I think.

A young girl can tell a boyfriend who is pressurising her "no, I can't go back to yours - mum wants me home."

DD has used this excuse before when she didn't want to say no, it doesn't have to be true.

DelurkingAJ · 30/04/2023 09:30

I fondly remember DDad appearing in our living room (where about eight of us aged 16-18 were drinking coffee and eating home made biscuits like the wild things we were) at 11:30 and announcing it was ‘pumpkin time’. I don’t think any of us felt that was unfair.

FrenchandSaunders · 30/04/2023 09:32

We’re in London and most 17 year olds around here are getting into pubs with fake ID.

Bodenesque · 30/04/2023 09:34

I've just finished reading T.M Logan's "The Curfew"
It's an interesting read and reminded me of how innocent parents can be about their teenagers activities.A family friend had such total trust in their oldest son that they were happy for him to follow no curfew whatsoever.Unfortunately, he was the driver of a car involved in a fatal accident in the early hours of the morning. Another teenager died and their son was seriously injured, just weeks after passing his test.Its such a sad case and his injuries are life changing but less trust by the parents could have changed everything.

Fansandblankets · 30/04/2023 09:34

Curtains70 · 30/04/2023 07:40

Is she in 6th form? I didn't have a curfew at that age but had to let Mum know a rough idea when I'd be home.

I was out clubbing most weekends to be honest and that was very normal for 17 year olds.

Do people really expect 6th form age teenagers home at 9:30?!

As there’s nowhere for under 18’s to go then yes I expect my 17 year old to be in by 9.30/10pm. If she’s at a friends house/party/event then that’s different and I’ll go and pick her up when she’s ready to come home. I find though that a lot of her friends have very strict curfews.

At 16 we were in the pub but no one ever checked back then.

budgiegirl · 30/04/2023 09:36

Fansandblankets · 30/04/2023 09:26

My daughter has just turned 17. Son is 16. Depends on where she is as to what time she has to be home. If she’s not actually going somewhere it’s 9pm. She went to an under 18’s disco last week and it finished at 10pm so I picked her up. Just hanging around at friends houses it’s 10pm latest. There’s not much to do under 18 where we live, no one seems to have parties and her friends all have similar curfews so it’s not been an issue.

2am? I’d be absolutely furious. I’ve never grounded her but for that I would.

Your 17 year old DD has to be in by 9/10pm? That's crazy early, especially if this includes at a weekend too? My 17 has no curfew, but we talk about sensible times to be home, and we keep in contact.

I think this is so much more to do with the parents worrying than it is to do with keeping their children safe. You'll still worry when they are 18, but you can hardly impose a curfew then.

Itwasnaeme · 30/04/2023 09:38

I'm not willing to lie awake until 2 am waiting for a 16 year old so I wouldn't accept that as a return time.
Also I always want to be able to provide a safe lift home if needed, which I'm a lot happier about doing at 10pm than 2.

ImAGoodPerson · 30/04/2023 09:41

budgiegirl · 30/04/2023 09:36

Your 17 year old DD has to be in by 9/10pm? That's crazy early, especially if this includes at a weekend too? My 17 has no curfew, but we talk about sensible times to be home, and we keep in contact.

I think this is so much more to do with the parents worrying than it is to do with keeping their children safe. You'll still worry when they are 18, but you can hardly impose a curfew then.

Show quote history

I totally agree, this is lazy parenting IMO. I absolutely hate the worrying, add into the fact that some of the older ones in the year will be driving also so just something else to worry about, but if they have earned your trust then surely you can talk to them and find out where they are going, how they are getting home, who they are with.

Obv if you have a 12 hr shift as a surgeon from 7am the next day and you are awake worrying till 2am then that's different of course but I feel that saying an almost adult has to be home at 9pm is nonsense. Most 17 yos surely don't even go out till then.

SomePosters · 30/04/2023 09:43

When I was 16 I moved out.

I wasn’t prepared to have my life controlled by my mum anymore so I sorted my own place where I lived by my rules.

Had my mum been less overbearing I wouldn’t have needed to learn to stand on my own two feet quite so young but she just couldn’t let go of the idea that she laid down the rules.

Itwasnaeme · 30/04/2023 09:43

Walking home between 9 and 10 feels safe, in summer will still be light.
Walking home at 11 - pubs chucking out, more potential for someone to start a fight with him. Walking home at midnight or later - streets very quiet, which is safer in some ways but if there is some trouble no one around to help or witness.

Guiltridden12345 · 30/04/2023 09:49

I was clubbing til 3am at 17. Everyone was. Things are different now as they need ID but I’d expect them still to be night owls and want to socialise outside of adult glare. It’s normal. My only issue would be whether she’s safe getting home, and I would offer to collect unless she’s getting a cab with a friend. It’s a pain but I’d want her to have freedom but within the bounds of safety. It will only be a year or so and then she’ll be at uni or moving out/working and can be a proper adult then. For now she’s just pretending.

ImAGoodPerson · 30/04/2023 09:49

Itwasnaeme · 30/04/2023 09:43

Walking home between 9 and 10 feels safe, in summer will still be light.
Walking home at 11 - pubs chucking out, more potential for someone to start a fight with him. Walking home at midnight or later - streets very quiet, which is safer in some ways but if there is some trouble no one around to help or witness.

We are very lucky, we have loads of ubers available and also I have told my DCs they are never to walk home alone, we will get them af whatever time if it ended up that way.

My DS has some friends he is with from his sports team, they are all much older than him, 25-40 yo. He goes to the pub with after an event they attend regularly, the pub is in the next road to us so less than a 2 min walk. His friends make him call them when he gets home. He also texts me to let me know he is on his way. I am more than happy with him walking round the corner at midnight but wouldn't be happy much further. When he is as sensible and considerate as that, and has us and his friends looking out for him I can't see any reason to say no. He's as safe as he ever could be unless his literally just sits indoors.

Fansandblankets · 30/04/2023 09:49

budgiegirl · 30/04/2023 09:36

Your 17 year old DD has to be in by 9/10pm? That's crazy early, especially if this includes at a weekend too? My 17 has no curfew, but we talk about sensible times to be home, and we keep in contact.

I think this is so much more to do with the parents worrying than it is to do with keeping their children safe. You'll still worry when they are 18, but you can hardly impose a curfew then.

Show quote history

As I said it depends what she is doing. If she’s actually somewhere like the cinemas out for dinner or an under 18’s thing then that’s different. If she’s at the park then yes 10pm latest. If she has friends round and they have a few drinks their intents always pick them up around 10/10.30pm.

It’s not an issue and she’s usually in before that as her friends have to be in too. At 18 she’ll be able to actually go out properly so of course that’ll be different.

I have two adult children too, eldest is 32. There was a lot more to do when she was younger for under 18’s.

UndercoverCop · 30/04/2023 09:50

For those saying home by ten do your older teens not have jobs? I waitressed in a local pub at that age and didn't finish until 11 ish .
I was also out a gigs, clubs etc in sixth form and I have a summer birthday, so I didn't turn 18 until after A Levels. My parents always knew where I was and roughly what time i would be back but that wasn't until the early hours often enough. Lots of my friends lied to their parents which didn't stop them, it just meant their parents had no idea. It also meant when we came out of a club at 2am on NYE and our pre booked taxis didn't arrive my parents came and got us (two car convoy) , where my friends were talking about walking 10 miles home through all kinds of areas

SoTedious · 30/04/2023 09:51

Its such a sad case and his injuries are life changing but less trust by the parents could have changed everything.

It is a sad case but a very rare one. At 17-18 I think you can suggest how they behave and hope that you have brought them up to be reasonably sensible and considerate, but keeping them indoors because they might be in a car accident is an OTT response to the risk.

How can people enforce curfews if their teens ignore them? It has to be a mutual agreement surely, rather than imposing a rule.

Fansandblankets · 30/04/2023 09:52

ImAGoodPerson · 30/04/2023 09:41

I totally agree, this is lazy parenting IMO. I absolutely hate the worrying, add into the fact that some of the older ones in the year will be driving also so just something else to worry about, but if they have earned your trust then surely you can talk to them and find out where they are going, how they are getting home, who they are with.

Obv if you have a 12 hr shift as a surgeon from 7am the next day and you are awake worrying till 2am then that's different of course but I feel that saying an almost adult has to be home at 9pm is nonsense. Most 17 yos surely don't even go out till then.

Show quote history

Go out where? That’s the thing. There is no where to go at 17 !

ImAGoodPerson · 30/04/2023 09:52

Fansandblankets · 30/04/2023 09:49

As I said it depends what she is doing. If she’s actually somewhere like the cinemas out for dinner or an under 18’s thing then that’s different. If she’s at the park then yes 10pm latest. If she has friends round and they have a few drinks their intents always pick them up around 10/10.30pm.

It’s not an issue and she’s usually in before that as her friends have to be in too. At 18 she’ll be able to actually go out properly so of course that’ll be different.

I have two adult children too, eldest is 32. There was a lot more to do when she was younger for under 18’s.

Show quote history

I totally agree re the earlier curfew if just wandering. My eldest DC rarely does this, they often go out later than that to people's houses so don't bother with the hanging round parks etc. I actually prefer them to be somewhere specific and get home at 2am than hanging round public areas after dark as I don't think its that safe. Our area is not particularly safe at the moment.

Emeraldrings · 30/04/2023 09:52

My DD is almost 17 and has to be in by 11:30 on the weekends. 10:30 if she has college the next morning.

ImAGoodPerson · 30/04/2023 09:53

Fansandblankets · 30/04/2023 09:52

Go out where? That’s the thing. There is no where to go at 17 !

Show quote history

Parties, friends houses? My son works and often starts at 9pm and finishes late so will go to a friends house/house party afterwards.

ImAGoodPerson · 30/04/2023 09:56

GoodChat · 30/04/2023 06:39

She wasn't at her boyfriends. She was out drinking in a field.

Why would you think this? We were always out till early hours and never did this. Mostly at friends houses, clubbing etc. Always got there and home safely.