Curfew for 16 year old daughter

[JMSA]

For anyone with a 16 year old daughter (nearly 17 in my case), I'd be interested to know what time they must be home by at weekends.
My daughter has her first boyfriend, and I understand that this is very new and exciting for her. She and her best friend have been round his house tonight. She is still not home (it's just after 2am) and I am furious. I was visiting my dad in hospital in a different city today, and didn't see my daughter before she left to go out. So we hadn't agreed on a time, which is probably unreasonable of me. However she could take it as read that 2am is much, much too late. Her friend is sleeping over here, which means I'm also responsible for someone else's child. Daughter was answering my texts earlier, but is now ignoring my calls. I am worried but also furious. It is unacceptable and inconsiderate on her part.
What would you do?

I believe that you were clubbing until 3am. But "everyone was"? 😆

That’s the point isn’t it. There’s nowhere to go. She often sits down the park with friends in the summer but rarely in the winter. She’s going to Reading festival with 6 friends and we agreed she could go overnight but none of her friends are allowed so they’re all going for the day instead. Our older daughter even offered to go too but they still said no.

Go out where? That’s the thing. There is no where to go at 17 !

Of course there is. Cinema, out for meals, house parties, friends houses, bowling/pool, out to the park in summer, play sports with your mates - loads of things.

Groups of teens/young adults wandering aimlessly is a recipe for disaster. We've had a couple of nasty incidents locally and it worries me so much. It's always been quite unsafe round here. My parents were very relaxed with curfews as long as I was somewhere specific but like me did not allow the hanging round parks too late etc.

As there’s nowhere for under 18’s to go then yes I expect my 17 year old to be in by 9.30/10pm. If she’s at a friends house/party/event then that’s different and I’ll go and pick her up when she’s ready to come home. I find though that a lot of her friends have very strict curfews

That's a bit different from what you said before - where you stated that your 17yo had to be in by 9pm if no where to go, or 10pm if at a friends.

I think around 10ish is fine if they are just hanging out at that age, but if they are at a friends house, I'd let them stay as long as they want at a weekend, assuming they've made arrangements to get home. If I was having to go and pick them up, that would be different, but that's more for my convenience.

I think it’s trickier these days because of the ID thing. There were inherent risks in clubs (older men, accessible alcohol etc) but they had bouncers for trouble and bar staff refused alcohol to the drunk so there were boundaries. Once a bouncer told us to take a drunk friend home and physically took us out and put us in a cab. As girls felt safe as a result. These days there are no options for ‘safe’ underage drinking. They will do it and banning it will put off the inevitable experiment ratger than avoid it. I’d rather my girls were honest as a pp said so we can collect them and friends and get them home safely.when the time comes I will also offer our house as a meeting point so they have a safe space to congregate. I agree that parks etc are fraught with difficulty but I think the answer is to provide alternatives ratger than outright ban. My sister was banned from clubbing and she just lied for 2 years, stayed with friends on club nights and was into all sorts of stuff. An open dialogue might have helped her get some adult views on potentially dangerous behaviour and how to self manage tricky situations.

Yes she’s allowed to go to parties of course but only one person has had a party since she started senior school. Same with going to friends houses it’s just a rare thing. If she has friends here there’s no set time for them to leave but their parents generally pick them up around 10/10.30. We live in a big City and I think it’s sad there’s not more stuff for under 18’s .

Go out where? That’s the thing. There is no where to go at 17 !

There's loads to do at 17 - my DD17 goes to the cinema, restaurants, friends houses, her boyfriends house, the occasional house party, she even still goes to Explorer Scouts, and does trips and activities with them.

That's a shame isn't it though, DSs friends always are hosting friends at theirs, not necessarily parties but just them hanging out. We always have DS2s friends here.

I guess there isn't really much for them to do otherwise, we have a few areas where there are restaurants that they can go to, or for coffee but it's difficult as some have money and some don't.

Everyone I knew. Routinely allowed and accepted. I was at 6th form and both years (yr 12 and 13) would meet up routinely. Some of those kids may have lied (like my sister originally did) but as sixth formers our socials were in nightclubs. Seemingly whole year groups bar a few.

yes I contradicted myself then I agree. I don’t mind picking her up from friends at all but she’s never asked to stay out past 10/10.30pm. Next year I know will be completely different when being 18 opens up a whole new world!

It is. She went to an under 18’s club night last week. I picked them all up after and there were all buzzing when they got in the car, they were so happy. But that’s like once every few months. Our older daughter seemed to be out a lot more at that age, youth club and under 18’s nights most weekends.

Agree we were out clubbing at 17 every weekend. Everyone I knew was. No one checked how old we were. Can’t get away with it now though.

Another one who was out clubbing

If it helps I was at agricultural college at that age and they haven't changed their curfew since I was there!
11pm unless your parents signed a form to say you could be out later. At home I didn't have a curfew

Posted too soon - that's for 16-18 year olds living in halls

I'm really surprised by many of these responses. At 16, nearly 17, I was out clubbing till 2am about 3 times a week. Kept myself safe, had a great time with my mates and various boyfriends, and still managed to get decent A levels and hold down a part-time job.

I think we have to allow older teens some independence and freedom so that once they leave home they are better equipped and don't go mad with their new found freedom.

My dd is 17. She has never had a curfew as such, but she has always stayed in touch with me when she is out in the evening, and we have agreed a return time on a case by case basis. Depending on where she is, what she's doing and how she is getting back home.

I always know how she is getting home. More often than not, I pick her up, or sometimes a friend's parents will pick her up. Occasionally, her boyfriend will walk her home, though quite often in that scenario, I might drop him home afterwards anyway as it's a long walk on your own in the dark. Very occasionally, they have got an uber, which I am OK with as long as dd isn't the last one out of the car!

I am more than happy to play taxi driver and so are a couple of her friends' parents. We prefer to know that they are safe. One of the friends' dads and I are generally willing to pick up any time before 1am at a weekend. If they are going to be later than that, then they will generally stay over at each other's houses rather than faffing around with lifts etc.

We were clubbing from Y10 onwards, never ID'd. A few pubs we could get served in but not many. Weirdly off licences were the strictest. Parents always collected us from night clubs, we were allowed to stay till 145 not till 2 (that is when they were open till then) as they didn't think it was safe when kicking out. My mum waited round the corner for us.

Next year I know will be completely different when being 18 opens up a whole new world!

This is what I'm trying to avoid by letting DD do more or less as she wants now - a sudden massive amount of freedom that she doesn't know what to do with. Being out till the early hours and having a few ciders will not be a novelty for her at 18 so hopefully nothing much should change. Plus if we waited until she was 18, it would only be a month before she leaves home for university and I would like her to have some experience and street smarts before doing all these things in a strange place with people she hardly knows.

I agree that a gradual increase in freedom is preferable to a sudden cliff edge at 18.

Working in a restaurant and NYE are a bit different though- Luckily My DD can choose not to work after 10pm, as I don't want to be going out at 11pm to pick her up when I have to be up early.

10pm on a regular evening is very different to a one off concert or party. I would be furious if DD rolled in at 2am when she had a friend staying over and they'd been nowhere special. I'd be quite happy about it if she'd been to a concert and I knew roughly what time she was expected home.

Everyone I knew was when I was in sixth form and 17. Some started when we were in year 11.

It's true. When I was 17 we were out clubbing til the early hours. What @Guiltridden12345 means is the majority of the our peers were doing the same. It was a different time back then and everyone got in after a cursory glance by the doormen, no fake id required. Most of my year were doing the same. No need to take "Everyone was" so literally.

Takes me back to being 16, wanted to stay overnight at a party, mum said no and came and collected me, as soon as she was asleep I was out the window onto the kitchen extension and back to the party
Got caught though. As in order to get back up onto the extension and in the window I had to move the bin.... which I forgot to move back!

When DD was 16 it was 11pm on a weekend and 10 in the week

We were clubbing from Y10 onwards, never ID'd

Yeah right ...