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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DP to run away from me

121 replies

skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:00

Looking to vent / suggestions why this might be happening / see if IABU

DP and I live with DS at the ILs big house. Both full time students who WFH. I'm default parent for DS and get up in the night every night with him.
DP always seems to run away from me whenever I go into the room he's in. He'll maybe loiter for a minute then make some excuse of something he has to do and he'll disappear for an hour.
To preface, I don't think of myself as clingy, well aware we both need our own alone time and happy to do things by myself.
E.g. this morning I go up with DS say good morning etc (we don't sleep together) and ask if DP will hang the laundry up as I'm playing with DS and need to make his breakfast. An hour later DP resurfaces and says he was just chilling downstairs whilst I made pancakes for all 3 of us in the hope we might eat and chat at the table together. He only comes up once we've finished, presumably because FIL went downstairs and disturbed his 'chilling'.
This continues throughout the day (although I leave him alone to work) and makes me feel like he doesn't want to spend any time with me or DS. Especially as we don't sleep together so I like to hang out in the morning over breakfast. I know he's not even being productive, just on Twitter or something on his phone when he disappears.

AIBU/advice pls

OP posts:
YouAreNotBatman · 29/04/2023 12:02

How old are you both?
Was the baby planned?
Did he want it?

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 29/04/2023 12:02

Oh that’s sad. And not on at all. When does he have his child? I understand the need for alone time, especially living with parents (I would go insane honestly). But surely you need couple time too. Or at least a hand looking after your son!

Original poster
skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:03

YouAreNotBatman · 29/04/2023 12:02

How old are you both?
Was the baby planned?
Did he want it?

Unplanned but he loves DS so much and enjoys playing with him when he does!

OP posts:
Octonaut4Life · 29/04/2023 12:04

If you're both full time students then why are you the default parent? Why are you the only one getting up in the night? How much is he avoiding any actual parenting responsibility as well as avoiding you? Why don't you sleep in the same room?

Gettingbysomehow · 29/04/2023 12:04

He isn't your partner or a father. You need to leave him.
Go find out what your options are.

Original poster
skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:04

MyFaceIsAnAONB · 29/04/2023 12:02

Oh that’s sad. And not on at all. When does he have his child? I understand the need for alone time, especially living with parents (I would go insane honestly). But surely you need couple time too. Or at least a hand looking after your son!

That's exactly it! Especially as I feel even more alone as living with his parents, not mine. DP and I get on so well, like best friends, so can't understand why he doesn't want to be around

OP posts:
MumUndone · 29/04/2023 12:05

How old are you both? Why don't you sleep in the same room?

TheNachtzehrer · 29/04/2023 12:05

You sound like children playing house. Especially him.

I don't think this relationship has legs for the long term.

Original poster
skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:06

Octonaut4Life · 29/04/2023 12:04

If you're both full time students then why are you the default parent? Why are you the only one getting up in the night? How much is he avoiding any actual parenting responsibility as well as avoiding you? Why don't you sleep in the same room?

I fluctuate between feeling like this and thinking, DS is BF and dependent on it to nap and get back to sleep at night, and no point us both being sleep deprived I guess

OP posts:
Deadpalm · 29/04/2023 12:07

What did he say when you told him you wang to spend some more time together? Like iver breakfast

Shuggie1234 · 29/04/2023 12:08

I don’t understand any couples not sharing a bed or sharing the parenting.

Original poster
skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:09

Deadpalm · 29/04/2023 12:07

What did he say when you told him you wang to spend some more time together? Like iver breakfast

Says we do spend time together and he does want to be with me, makes excuses of you asked me to do xyz and I always get nagged to do things (as he doesn't see things that need doing and just do them!!)

OP posts:
Original poster
skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:10

Shuggie1234 · 29/04/2023 12:08

I don’t understand any couples not sharing a bed or sharing the parenting.

I always beg him to sleep with me :( not like I make a song and dance of getting up by putting lights on etc, creep out to DS and creep back in again

OP posts:
Clymene · 29/04/2023 12:11

He doesn't want to be in this relationship and doesn't want to be a dad, sorry. Deeds, not words.

Gollumsring · 29/04/2023 12:11

How old are you both ?

Deadpalm · 29/04/2023 12:13

Clymene · 29/04/2023 12:11

He doesn't want to be in this relationship and doesn't want to be a dad, sorry. Deeds, not words.

Sounds like it tbh

HinCogNeetOh · 29/04/2023 12:14

Clymene · 29/04/2023 12:11

He doesn't want to be in this relationship and doesn't want to be a dad, sorry. Deeds, not words.

I am so sorry. Clymene is correct.

Original poster
skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:15

Clymene · 29/04/2023 12:11

He doesn't want to be in this relationship and doesn't want to be a dad, sorry. Deeds, not words.

Deeds not words hit hard, you're right. I'm fed up of asking him to change and not be so immature. The whole OP sounds ridiculous and childlike and if I'm going to have a partner and father for DS I want him to see what needs doing, do it, anticipate my needs as someone who loves me (!!) and want to be a partnership

OP posts:
CantFindTheBeat · 29/04/2023 12:17

Sorry OP, this sounds really rough.

I'd start looking for a new place, and discuss how your partner is going to help finally support his child.

Original poster
skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:19

CantFindTheBeat · 29/04/2023 12:17

Sorry OP, this sounds really rough.

I'd start looking for a new place, and discuss how your partner is going to help finally support his child.

Is it definitely terminal? We do love each other, are intimate, get along so well when we are together!! Might stay with my parents for a while to give him a kick up the arse!

OP posts:
WheelsUp · 29/04/2023 12:19

Have you tried leaving him to aren't solo while you do stuff like shower? You say he enjoys being with ds - could it be that he'd be more likely to parent if you're not hovering ? The less he does, the less confident and competent he'll be which in turn often becomes laziness because handing over to mum becomes so much easier.
This doesn't solve the problem that he doesn't seem to like you very much but there's plenty that he can do for the baby at least.

Original poster
skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:20

WheelsUp · 29/04/2023 12:19

Have you tried leaving him to aren't solo while you do stuff like shower? You say he enjoys being with ds - could it be that he'd be more likely to parent if you're not hovering ? The less he does, the less confident and competent he'll be which in turn often becomes laziness because handing over to mum becomes so much easier.
This doesn't solve the problem that he doesn't seem to like you very much but there's plenty that he can do for the baby at least.

He does take over with DS from 6 every evening, bathes him, feeds him dinner etc whilst I make dinner for me and DP, and on the very odd occasion I go out he is happy to be with DS. So he's definitely confident and competent which is why I'm puzzled

OP posts:
matchalattewithsoy · 29/04/2023 12:21

Why do you live with his parents? How old are you?

howdoesatoastermaketoast · 29/04/2023 12:22

he may be dear, but he's not a partner - at least not yet. Only you can judge whether he has the potential to grow into one.

Be really careful there's no number 2 until and unless the situation resolves to your mutual satisfaction.

TheNachtzehrer · 29/04/2023 12:22

skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:19

Is it definitely terminal? We do love each other, are intimate, get along so well when we are together!! Might stay with my parents for a while to give him a kick up the arse!

Show quote history

Sorry. But yes. He's a manchild. He has neither the capability nor the interest in being a present, involved partner and father.

There is a tiny, tiny chance that you moving out and ending it will cause him to have an epiphany, pull his socks up, and work much much harder. But I'd put it at about 0.5% vs 99.5 he makes big empty promises of different behaviour that last about three days. If you have to leave to get a man's attention, he fundamentally doesn't care how you feel, he only cares about his own comfort and happiness; he knew you were unhappy already, but he basically didn't care because the situation suited him, and that doesn't change. So when you go, you need to understand that you're going for good, not until "he wakes up and does better".