To not want DP to run away from me

[skywalkersweetie]

Looking to vent / suggestions why this might be happening / see if IABU

DP and I live with DS at the ILs big house. Both full time students who WFH. I'm default parent for DS and get up in the night every night with him.
DP always seems to run away from me whenever I go into the room he's in. He'll maybe loiter for a minute then make some excuse of something he has to do and he'll disappear for an hour.
To preface, I don't think of myself as clingy, well aware we both need our own alone time and happy to do things by myself.
E.g. this morning I go up with DS say good morning etc (we don't sleep together) and ask if DP will hang the laundry up as I'm playing with DS and need to make his breakfast. An hour later DP resurfaces and says he was just chilling downstairs whilst I made pancakes for all 3 of us in the hope we might eat and chat at the table together. He only comes up once we've finished, presumably because FIL went downstairs and disturbed his 'chilling'.
This continues throughout the day (although I leave him alone to work) and makes me feel like he doesn't want to spend any time with me or DS. Especially as we don't sleep together so I like to hang out in the morning over breakfast. I know he's not even being productive, just on Twitter or something on his phone when he disappears.

AIBU/advice pls

You keep saying he loves you and that you see yourselves married.

You're deluded.

He doesn't love you. He's stuck with you.
You're in his house with no way out with his kid.

He doesn't want to be with you. You're just the one he got pregnant.

So are you OK with that? Because you can just stay. Just live your life. But if you want things to change you actually have to do something.

So you're both full-time students, but only he gets to study full-time as you're looking after DS most of the time? How did that come about?

He should be doing 50/50 at least. This is not a proper relationship. Don't have any more babies with him and start planning your own future on your own terms.

You need to stand on your own two feet and accept that this man child is quite useless. Still interested on what his parents make of it though. And what do you parents think?

Thank you, you're completely right about my parents :)

When does your boyfriend study? Does he get to study whenever he wants, whilst you have to wait for babysitting from your mum and MIL?

Shouldnt the two do you be sharing the load equally if both students? Your Mum and MIL seem to manage even though you’re bfing.

His parents know I do majority of everything and just put it down to him needing to "work" although I know he barely does any work and just procrastinates all day. They seem to just give him a slap on the wrist though and don't see the seriousness of it and how I'm feeling

My parents can tell that he's not up to much and are very frustrated at him for throwing his degree away by pissing around all the time. They're always telling me he needs to step up etc but I guess I've pulled the wool over my own eyes

23 is within my definition of “very young” when it comes to starting a family.

Sorry OP, but you’re really going to have to plan on providing for yourself and your son. The good thing is that your boyfriend isn’t really old enough to be truly branded as a manchild yet, so he may step up in maintenance and parenting as he matures a bit more. But it sounds like there’s not much of a relationship here for you, and that you’d be better off moving in with your parents for support in the interim. Good luck to you and your son. 💐

@Lefteyetwitch agree with what you have said. OP, you really need to sort your life out independently. He seems to be very detached from you and his child

He doesn't love him enough to get up & tend to his night wakes, or even get up with him in the morning.

I'm default parent for DS
You seem remarkably blase about this.
Why are you - & what is the point of your DP?
The only advantage I can detect of you being with this man who even you describe as "unproductive" (skiving online instead of working), who runs from you & avoids his own child, is having his parents put a roof over your head while you complete your studies.

What is your plan for housing yourself as soon as you are able to secure employment? Does DP featiure in that plan? If he does - WHY? He adds nothing to your life. You would just end up saddled with a resentful manchild while you do everything around the house & are default parent FFS.

Why not cut out the dead weight & parent solo? It would make no odds to your current workload.

This is a good summary.

Go to your parents. Get their support. Finish your degree.

Decide what you need from him, in order to have a long term relationship. MayBe he'll get there in time.

You're both stuck in teenage mode, living with parents, reliant on them for free care, so you have the relationship dynamic of teenagers.

This will never change while you're both under his parents' roof. In your own place he would have to step up or ship out, I suspect the latter.

I don't think it's wrong to live with your folks while you're studying but you can surely see that it is impossible to have an adult relationship while you are so reliant on others for your care and the care of your child.

Who actually thinks this is an acceptable way to speak to someone?

I bet you wouldn’t dare be so outrageously rude if you weren’t hiding behind a computer screen.

Op get you studies done, it’s going to be hard parenting a tiny baby and studying full time but it increases your earning potential and ability to support your family long term.

It sounds to me like he has come to associate spending time with you as being given jobs to do. Stop being the default parent and agree a rota with your partner that you both agree is fair for all baby related jobs from washing clothes to active childcare

Dont go it’s it like a fight, or to prove how much more you do… it’s about timetabling round commitments

Leave him to take responsibility as much as possible (don’t pack a bag for him going out with baby or parent or partner at all) and pick up the pieces if he drops the ball.
It’s the only way he will learn what required of him.

Yes, I fear this is the case here.

This resource may help open his eyes in a non confrontational way

https://vardgivare.skane.se/siteassets/3.-kompetens-och-utveckling/projekt-och-utveckling/jamstallt-foraldraskap/material-foraldrar/checklist-for-gender-equality-in-your-everyday-life.pdf

@SomePosters agree wholeheartedly with everything you're saying. I think he does associate being around me with being given jobs. We have an arrangement for cleaning at the weekend but there's interim jobs that don't fit a schedule that just need doing as and when, e.g. laundry loads but I guess he just doesn't think about these things like I do
Honestly think his head is filled with sawdust sometimes and yet he's not thick

Focus on finishing your degree and then end it for good. He won't change and nothing you've said indicates there's any future in your relationship. Get used to the idea of being a single parent and figure out how to make it work.

I think 23 is plenty old enough to see a waste of space when you see it OP.

Come on - the blokes a manchild.

Wake up.
Leave now - go live with your parents and carve out a life without someone you have to ''beg'' to sleep with or make an appointment with to do his fair bloody share of the hard graft of life.

His parents are enabling his ineptitude, so are you and he's sucking it all up.

I think he's just got comfortable you taking the lead on parenting, it's easily done especially in your current set up living with inlaws and sleeping separately.

If you want this to work you need to talk honestly with him about what you need from him. I wouldn't go to your parents unless you're sure you cant turn this around, he can't be more of a father and partner if your living separately!

How many hours a week are each of you doing paid work and doing school?

If he is taking the child at 6 for the evening, and that is after paid work and school, that still seems like 'something'.

Rather than giving him chores, just have a running list of everything that needs doing on the fridge that both of you add to. When you do something on the list, you cross it off, when he does something he crosses it off. It is clearly imbalanced after awhile, you talk about it. That way it isn't one partner telling the other what to do.

Living with your parents while in school is just a hard dynamic to adult in. I don't know how involved his parents are but it seems they provide some child care as well. It can be a case of too many cooks in the kitchen and roles become unclear. It sounds like this is time limited and hopefully you can soon get out on your own. Nothing in this sounds unfixable, it is just going to need better boundaries and communication

Well he is going to need to now.

Don’t let yourself treat him like a wee boy who can’t manage or you’ll be parenting him until you’re so filled with resentment you have to leave.

No he’s not thick, he’s doing it deliberately, it’s called weaponised incompetence. I’m sure he’s perfectly able to manage his degree and things he cares about, he just thinks the cleaning and chores are beneath him.

You are 23. So young
And your baby wasn't planned....
Your bf is obviously only living with your and ds because he feels like he has to (or his parents made him?)
Your relationship ended after baby was born
Maybe even before that.
He has probably seen his life go up in smoke
At 23 you wanna live. And go to parties and have fun. And yes you can do this with a gf. But going from a 22yo boy to being a dad at 23... well... obviously he wasn't ready for it.

He might love his son. But only when it suits him. And it sounds likehe only puts up with you because he has to not because he wants to...

Not happy. Not healthy. Not good for your mental sanity. Not for you. Not for him.i would move out asap and go live with my own parents.

Sounds like my oh's behaviour at that age, 25 years later it turned out he'd never really wanted to be with me. Don't waste your life on him.

You’ve not been on MN long.
Less than 5% of people on here will ever admit sleeping with their partners.
Unwritten MN rule.
😁😁

My father turned 20 the day after my older brother was born. My mother was 5 years older than him (he lied to her about his age, she didn't find out the truth until she was pregnant and they married). He lasted 10 years, turned 30 and then realised he'd 'missed out' on his youth and acted like he was a single man from then on...even though he had 3 children. Finally left my mother for another woman when my younger brother turned 18.

In a way your boyfriend is doing you a favour, by showing you how he is too immature to cope with being a father early on. My mother wouldn't leave my father because she is Catholic, all she ended up doing was ruining our childhoods by trailing around after a man who wasn't interested in family life.

Do yourself and your child a huge favour by getting out of this farce now and building yourself a healthy life where you are not having to treat a grown man like he is your second child.

Best friends spend time together. You aren't like best friends
You're like two people forced by circs to live together and one of you is in denial. How old are you and baby? What's the long term plan? How long were you together first?