To not want DP to run away from me

[skywalkersweetie]

Looking to vent / suggestions why this might be happening / see if IABU

DP and I live with DS at the ILs big house. Both full time students who WFH. I'm default parent for DS and get up in the night every night with him.
DP always seems to run away from me whenever I go into the room he's in. He'll maybe loiter for a minute then make some excuse of something he has to do and he'll disappear for an hour.
To preface, I don't think of myself as clingy, well aware we both need our own alone time and happy to do things by myself.
E.g. this morning I go up with DS say good morning etc (we don't sleep together) and ask if DP will hang the laundry up as I'm playing with DS and need to make his breakfast. An hour later DP resurfaces and says he was just chilling downstairs whilst I made pancakes for all 3 of us in the hope we might eat and chat at the table together. He only comes up once we've finished, presumably because FIL went downstairs and disturbed his 'chilling'.
This continues throughout the day (although I leave him alone to work) and makes me feel like he doesn't want to spend any time with me or DS. Especially as we don't sleep together so I like to hang out in the morning over breakfast. I know he's not even being productive, just on Twitter or something on his phone when he disappears.

AIBU/advice pls

This is a UK site and we don't call university "school" here. It's confusing to call it "school" and implies that they are under 18 because they are still at school.
They are 23 so presumably at university.

I'm sorry OP but it sounds like he's not interested in a relationship or in being a father.
Yes, he does things with his child but he isn't behaving as if he really wants a family with the two of you. Sounds more like he enjoys doing a few things with his child, and playing with him but no more than that.

I would suggest you finish your degree, not long now until the summer, stay where you are until you have done that and then decide what you want to do, moving back to your own parents would be a first step.
He is not going to get better any time soon - you're already a single parent.

OP, you say you're intimate.
I have a feeling that that just means that you have sex now and again.

Maybe he just sees you as a woman who will let him have sex - he doesn't even sleep with you, just uses you for sex. That's awful. Raise your expectations and bar.

I am so sorry, but this relationship is not what you imagine it is. You're doing your utmost to keep it going and he has already checked out. He may actually have checked out before your child was born.

There is no chance that you're going to get married and have more children. You deserve a man who really loves you and who will go the extra mile for you - not a man who is using you - to look after your child, to cook for him, to do his washing, to breastfeed your child, to do the tedious stuff which all parents have to do.

I am very sorry that you're in this situation but things are just going to get worse.

Don't hitch your wagon to a star which doesn't want you. When you've (inevitably) split up, he will discover what hard work it is to care for a child. At the moment he is doing the bare minimum. Looking after your child while his dinner is cooked for him is not enough.

This man is a loser. There is no future with him even after he graduates. In no way hitch your or your ds' star to him because he will drag you down. He has zero ambition, brings nothing to the table and will make you feel unloved for the rest of your life.

Get your degree, move in with your parents and look for a way to co-parent. Set yourself free. You are young 23, so much love and life to live ahead of you and your ds.

The unplanned accident of your pregnancy does not have to define your entire life. Time to move on.

Oh god all these old crows jumping on OP about her being young / immature ffs. As if she needs this right now. Sometimes babies come at inopportune moments, this is life, I am sure DC has a lot of love surrounding it so that's the main thing.

Nothing wrong with doing a degree to ensure higher earnings in the future.

I would either go back to your parents (ideally) or tough it out at ILs until you finalise your degree / get a job. Then get the hell out.

This guy most likely isn't the long term plan, or maybe he is but maybe you need to have bit of a break. See how he gets on with co-parenting, I am sure it will a massive learning curve for him.

You obv have supportive ILs and parents and your DC's dad will all be able to help with childcare, to be honest that is much more than most, then of course there's the option of nursery when you do get a job, and I know there's more government support on the horizon too.

Re not sleeping in the same room, is this because you bed share with DC? I think that's pretty normal.

@Scienceadvisory absolutely vile thing to say

Yeah it sounds like he feels trapped. This unplanned baby and you are now always there, in his home, and there is nothing he can do about it without everyone thinking he's a dick, so he's doing as little as possible and trying to avoid you as much as he can.

Oh god all these old crows jumping on OP about her being young / immature ffs.

Oh god there are no crows jumping on OP.
PP have (rightly) said her b/f is immature, but been overwhelmingly supportive of OP herself.

Have a word with yourself about your ageism btw.
You won't like it done to you if you are lucky enough to get old.
Cheers!

Old Crow

Most people enjoy playing with a baby! That’s the fun part of parenting. He doesn’t take any responsibility for the rest. Not even in continuing his studies to get a good job.

OP, I’ve read all your posts. You’re doing your best, but he isn’t your partner in a real sense. He’s acting like a teenager, and a flat mate. You say you both see a life together, but what does it look like to you?

Living with his parents and being enabled by them has returned him to the state of teenager. Utterly pathetic.

That this man is a father is fairly mind-blowing.

Leave this house, it’s not healthy for you. Go to your family’s. Study hard. Nail your own degree. Build a brilliant life for you and your child. If the other child you’ve had a child with manages to grow the fuck up and step up, great, if not, fuck him. He’ll wake up one day and it’ll be too late.

What’s he doing on his phone etc
smell a red flag tbh
sounds odd

Could he be embarrassed or inhibited by being under his parents' roof? In their home he is their child and not your man. My DP wouldn't even hold my hand if his parents were in the room. If you got a place for you, DP and the baby you'd find out fairly quickly why he withdraws from you. And if it were the end of the relationship you'd already have a place to stay and he could go back to his parents. You don't know what either of them might be saying to him. My DP's mother was filling his head with nonsense and guilting him. Moving out solved it. Is it worth a try?

He's what's known as a Failure To Launch.

A man who hasn't grown up. Lives with parents, plays with his child but doesn't engage with the adulting, wanders off to his separate bedroom whenever he feels like it to do his own thing.

You're not a couple - you're student housemates.

You need to leave with your DS and go somewhere you will have the support you need. He’s behaving like you are dating and not parenting/living/being together, you’re wanting to be together/parent together/live together and it’s just not working now. It’s not to say it won’t work going forward however how you are living now at his parents, it’s an environment where it is easy for him to “be the child” and he’s not the child DS is. So have the discussion around moving where you’ll get the support you need, highlight the need for child maintenance and arrange for visiting times/commitments.

Sounds a bit like my ex husband. I eventually realised he was neuro diverse, in that he didn't look at the world the same way as me.
Have you considered this might be the case?

When we had my son everything was left to me, I had to sleep in a different room, so as not to disturb my husband, we were tolerated in the bedroom at weekends! (I realise now, as my son has sensory issues, that a new baby is sensory overload for a neuro diverse person). He could mask well, performed at work, but was too exhausted for my son and I once he came home from work.

We were intimate, but that was more down to, I think him thinking that's what he should do, what is expected of a husband. He would never spontaneously cuddle me, if, when we were next to each other in bed I tried to cuddle him he'd push me away (touching irritated him)

I believe he did love me in his own way, Part of me thinks if he could have acknowledged our differences (there were many more traits than just the sensory issues) we could have worked with them, but from the moment I tried to broach my 'theory' with him that may be he had neuro diverse traits, he was so affronted, he refused to acknowledge there was anything 'wrong' with our relationship, whereas I felt we were living parallel lives in the same house and I wasn't getting the relationship Id signed up for.

When we'd met he presented a version of himself he thought would be socially accaptable as a potential husband, he ticked a lot of boxes, but the minute he married me, the mask quickly slipped. Needless to say we split up, I am now with an amazing man, who supports me the way I need to and have an incredible relationship. My ex is with a girl who thinks along the same lines as him and now our son has the best of both worlds, a happy mum with an amazing step father and a dad who has now stepped up to his role as father (he needed the structure of being solely responsible for him on his set weekends) and as my son and him share similar traits he has a great time with his dad, whilst I don't have to live with his different ways and we all get along brilliantly.

Besides for the fact that this is a horribly judgment filled post, while you are denigrating the OP for being a student and such; you might want to check yourself before you wreck yourself since your last sentence makes you look a bit "off". Then feel free to castigate yourself for the mistake.

It seems like hes looking for a way out

OP I think you have a rose tinted idea and that’s blurring your sense of reality. What you describe isn’t a healthy happy committed long term relationship.
Marriage, A truly terrible idea & only existing in your vivid imagination. More kids a disaster, he can’t cope with this one!
Your parents are right. Move home and focus on getting your degree and supporting your child as a solo parent.
The child’s father needs to grow up. Making excuses isn’t helping him or you or your child

Your partner is depressed and doesn't have the mental bandwidth to deal with other people. I have bipolar disorder and feel like this when I'm in a dip. There's so much else going on in your head that 'peopling' is just more than you can manage. The expectation of being sociable, happy, being interested in things happening around you - you have to fake it when you're low because you genuinely don't feel it but it's expected, and the effort required to interact is absolutely exhausting.

I was much younger than you when I had my DC and I’m sure you are an excellent mummy. Many people think being younger means immaturity but it doesn’t, depends on your character.

But sadly I have a feeling that the other parent in your situation is very immature, checked out and is not in a relationship with you. The very best thing you can do for yourself, and in turn your DC, is to move out, complete your studies and build a new life for the two of you. If you have helpful loving parents who are happy for you to live there go home until your course is over. Most importantly enjoy your DC.

Why are you living with iLs ? Your dynamic won’t change until he stops playing the child and becomes a man