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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DP to run away from me

121 replies

skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:00

Looking to vent / suggestions why this might be happening / see if IABU

DP and I live with DS at the ILs big house. Both full time students who WFH. I'm default parent for DS and get up in the night every night with him.
DP always seems to run away from me whenever I go into the room he's in. He'll maybe loiter for a minute then make some excuse of something he has to do and he'll disappear for an hour.
To preface, I don't think of myself as clingy, well aware we both need our own alone time and happy to do things by myself.
E.g. this morning I go up with DS say good morning etc (we don't sleep together) and ask if DP will hang the laundry up as I'm playing with DS and need to make his breakfast. An hour later DP resurfaces and says he was just chilling downstairs whilst I made pancakes for all 3 of us in the hope we might eat and chat at the table together. He only comes up once we've finished, presumably because FIL went downstairs and disturbed his 'chilling'.
This continues throughout the day (although I leave him alone to work) and makes me feel like he doesn't want to spend any time with me or DS. Especially as we don't sleep together so I like to hang out in the morning over breakfast. I know he's not even being productive, just on Twitter or something on his phone when he disappears.

AIBU/advice pls

OP posts:
howdoesatoastermaketoast · 29/04/2023 12:24

"Might stay with my parents for a while to give him a kick up the arse!"

this sounds like an excellent idea to me, if you can do this without fighting or breaking up as a couple I would recommend you do it

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 29/04/2023 12:24

He 'enjoys playing with' his own son...what about the rest of parenting. Does he ever bath him / take him a walk / change him etc etc?

I know its petty but I'd just do the same to him so he gets what its like. Every time he disappears, he is forcing you, without asking, to do his share of parenting as well as yours. Pass him the baby and then go to the toilet and disappear for an hour. Tell him you're going for a shower and then just get 'distracted' by something. Invent a deadline then disappear to a cafe or library to 'study'. He currently doesnt seem to have any understanding of the impact his actions have on you so do the same to him.

Aylestone · 29/04/2023 12:26

Clymene · 29/04/2023 12:11

He doesn't want to be in this relationship and doesn't want to be a dad, sorry. Deeds, not words.

This really. I was trying to think of a kind way to say it, but

Aylestone · 29/04/2023 12:26

There isn’t one really. He doesn’t want to be with you.

Ellie450 · 29/04/2023 12:26

Sorry, but I agree with the other posters. Very young + unplanned baby + avoiding all involvement sounds like he just doesn’t want this. You should probably start looking to separate yourself and your baby from him. Can you stay with your parents while you finish school?

UnshakenNeedsStirring · 29/04/2023 12:27

How old are you? You say you are both students so I am assuming you are early twenties. Why are you living like this? So bizarre. He is not your DP. Not your BF. Its all in your head, he is not showing you that he is your partner or a dad. Why are you settling for this shitty situation with a manchild? Just go and live separately and claim child support. get back on your feet and get a job. Find someone who is there for you. You dont even sleep together. Very weird

Yousee · 29/04/2023 12:27

There's not much "D" or "P" about him.
I'd go with "A" and "H" personally.
What's the point?

Original poster
skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:28

Ellie450 · 29/04/2023 12:26

Sorry, but I agree with the other posters. Very young + unplanned baby + avoiding all involvement sounds like he just doesn’t want this. You should probably start looking to separate yourself and your baby from him. Can you stay with your parents while you finish school?

By student, I mean older university student!

OP posts:
howdoesatoastermaketoast · 29/04/2023 12:28

I can't tell you whether he's a manchild or just a child. But he is over18 and he's behaving like a good big brother, play time when you feel like it and bedtime whilst you cook and a spot of babysitting are great but it's not enough.

BranchGold · 29/04/2023 12:31

You obviously don’t want to say how old you both are, which is either because you’re both very young, or you’re older than how you’re projecting the current situation to be and both need to do a lot of growing up.

Original poster
skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:32

BranchGold · 29/04/2023 12:31

You obviously don’t want to say how old you both are, which is either because you’re both very young, or you’re older than how you’re projecting the current situation to be and both need to do a lot of growing up.

I'm not saying because I don't think it's relevant, and people define "very young" in different ways. I'm mature enough to be a mum but his maturity is a different matter and not always related to age!

OP posts:
GabriellaMontez · 29/04/2023 12:33

Have you discussed how your future together may look? Marriage? More children? Separation?

I can see you may not have as your ds was unplanned.

But it sounds like you need to have a chat about division of labour and also your relationship. Discuss details. Decide if you're compatible. He sounds lazy.

Original poster
skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:34

GabriellaMontez · 29/04/2023 12:33

Have you discussed how your future together may look? Marriage? More children? Separation?

I can see you may not have as your ds was unplanned.

But it sounds like you need to have a chat about division of labour and also your relationship. Discuss details. Decide if you're compatible. He sounds lazy.

I've always said I want to get married to him, we've been together 3 years and both see our whole future together with potential for more children though I'm not convinced about that! Think our compatibility living together may be the issue

OP posts:
BranchGold · 29/04/2023 12:36

To be honest, your alternative is running back to your parents, which doesn’t necessarily strike me as you being mature about it all.

I agree with a pp that you both sound like you’re playing house.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 29/04/2023 12:36

Why are you living with his parents? And why do you not sleep together?

This sounds dysfunctional on so many levels. And I think that you need to focus on YOUR needs (which are obviously not being met) but also be aware that your son will grow up thinking this is what a 'normal' relationship looks like. Dad just ignores Mum? Fine.

What do his parents think about the set up? And what is their relationship like?

Go stay with your parents for a bit and get some headspace to work out what's going to be best for you and your DS. Then he can 'chill' and play on Twitter as much as he wants.

longwayoff · 29/04/2023 12:39

You're not a couple. Move away and start your own life.

TheNachtzehrer · 29/04/2023 12:40

Frankly, you've told us that you're both very young as clearly as if you'd given a number.

Original poster
skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:41

TheNachtzehrer · 29/04/2023 12:40

Frankly, you've told us that you're both very young as clearly as if you'd given a number.

We're 23 then seeing as it matters! What does very young mean to you?

OP posts:
UnshakenNeedsStirring · 29/04/2023 12:41

skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:34

I've always said I want to get married to him, we've been together 3 years and both see our whole future together with potential for more children though I'm not convinced about that! Think our compatibility living together may be the issue

Show quote history

Does he want to get married? Does he want more kids? Sounds like he didn't even want this one.

beAsensible1 · 29/04/2023 12:41

skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:34

I've always said I want to get married to him, we've been together 3 years and both see our whole future together with potential for more children though I'm not convinced about that! Think our compatibility living together may be the issue

Show quote history

well you are living in his parents house with a baby so yes of course its strained.

I doesn't seem like he wants to be a father and resents being in this situation and blames you.

what did he say when you were pregnant, did he seem happy?

Scienceadvisory · 29/04/2023 12:41

skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:32

I'm not saying because I don't think it's relevant, and people define "very young" in different ways. I'm mature enough to be a mum but his maturity is a different matter and not always related to age!

Show quote history

You may be physically old enough to be a mum but that doesn't necessarily dictate maturity. You've chosen to have a child with a useless man, you don't provide a roof over your child's head, you're a ft student rather than working and you're thinking of running back to your parents. You and your parent created this child, perhaps it's time you stood on your own two feet.

CantFindTheBeat · 29/04/2023 12:42

Why do you see potential for more children, OP, when he's not even parenting this one?

GretaGood · 29/04/2023 12:43

Who looks after baby during the day?
I can’t see you affording to rent accomm as a single parent with full time study.
May as well stay where you are for a few years til you graduate.

Original poster
skywalkersweetie · 29/04/2023 12:45

GretaGood · 29/04/2023 12:43

Who looks after baby during the day?
I can’t see you affording to rent accomm as a single parent with full time study.
May as well stay where you are for a few years til you graduate.

I look after DS all day, apart from maybe 3 half days where DM or MIL take him for a few hours so I can do work.
I'm finishing my degree this year so I can have greater earning potential for our future and provide for my DS

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 29/04/2023 12:48

I think going back to her parents - where she has some support - is a good idea.

Presumably some support is needed whilst studying and raising a child.

There’ll be time to sort out your own place after that.

He’s acting like he’s just a boyfriend and I think that’s what he wants to be - and you can arrange time for him to be with your child, and with you if you want to , after that.