Page 4 | To not want DP to run away from me

skywalkersweetie · 2023-04-29T11:00:38+00:00

Looking to vent / suggestions why this might be happening / see if IABU DP and I live with DS at the ILs big house. Both full time students who WFH. I'm default parent for DS and get up in the night every night with him. DP always seems to run away from me whenever I go into the room he's in. He'll maybe loiter for a minute then make some excuse of something he has to do and he'll disappear for an hour. To preface, I don't think of myself as clingy, well aware we both need our own alone time and happy to do things by myself. E.g. this morning I go up with DS say good morning etc (we don't sleep together) and ask if DP will hang the laundry up as I'm playing with DS and need to make his breakfast. An hour later DP resurfaces and says he was just chilling downstairs whilst I made pancakes for all 3 of us in the hope we might eat and chat at the table together. He only comes up once we've finished, presumably because FIL went downstairs and disturbed his 'chilling'. This continues throughout the day (although I leave him alone to work) and makes me feel like he doesn't want to spend any time with me or DS. Especially as we don't sleep together so I like to hang out in the morning over breakfast. I know he's not even being productive, just on Twitter or something on his phone when he disappears. AIBU/advice pls

Kvetching · 29/04/2023 13:31

From what you’ve said, it sounds like he doesn’t love you. A loving relationship is not like this.

Set your sights higher.

SleepingStandingUp · 29/04/2023 13:33

Honestly OP it sounds like a co-parenting set up where you're in a house share together and occasionally he throws you enough attention to get sex but then he's off to his own space cos you've got a kid and he only has his for a few hours at bedtime.

You deserve more.

KittyAlfred · 29/04/2023 13:33

Freefall212 · 29/04/2023 13:07

How many hours a week are each of you doing paid work and doing school?

If he is taking the child at 6 for the evening, and that is after paid work and school, that still seems like 'something'.

Rather than giving him chores, just have a running list of everything that needs doing on the fridge that both of you add to. When you do something on the list, you cross it off, when he does something he crosses it off. It is clearly imbalanced after awhile, you talk about it. That way it isn't one partner telling the other what to do.

Living with your parents while in school is just a hard dynamic to adult in. I don't know how involved his parents are but it seems they provide some child care as well. It can be a case of too many cooks in the kitchen and roles become unclear. It sounds like this is time limited and hopefully you can soon get out on your own. Nothing in this sounds unfixable, it is just going to need better boundaries and communication

@Freefall212 OP is 23, so whilst she’s young, she’s not at school.

JudgeRudy · 29/04/2023 13:33

So you don't sleep together, talk together, parent together or spend time together, you alternate? The only time you do anything together is maybe eat and sex. You could get that from a date! He doesn't even sound like a BF let alone partner.
I'm assuming you're living with his parents for financial reasons. In your situation I'd be seeking independent accomodation. I appreciate Councils are very over subscribed however I think that you're in his parents house and have a child you would be classed as an emergency. Get the ball rolling now in the hope that something will turn up during the summer (when you're not in uni).
Don't give up on the relationship but put the ball in his court. He needs to mature a bit so don't give him a list of things to do, tell him (when you're settled) that you're open to persuasion to getting back together and it's down to him to do what he feels is right. You'll let him know if it's enough!

FictionalCharacter · 29/04/2023 13:34

I’m sorry but he doesn’t want to be in a relationship and doesn’t want to be a father. Living with his parents is making it worse, because he’s slipped back into being a 13 year old boy living with mummy and daddy. They’re even making excuses for him.

itsabigtree · 29/04/2023 13:43

No! Get yourself gone, what's in it for you?

itsabigtree · 29/04/2023 13:48

@Scienceadvisory your post is unnecessarily rude and not helpful.

Shoelacesundone · 29/04/2023 13:52

He's acting like a teenager. He's doing what he wants. Sounds like he likes the fun bits of having a baby but not interested in an adult relationship.

Sounds like he doesn't want to be the bad guy and ask you to leave but he's checked out of this relationship. When was the last time he gave you a cuddle, cooked you a meal, gave you a sweet card, took you out on a date?

This could go on for years.

It sounds tolerable and it maybe in your interests to stay.

But I doubt he's going to change.

dapsnotplimsolls · 29/04/2023 14:00

When is he due to finish his degree? Is he likely to actually gain a degree? I wouldn't be surprised if he becomes a perennial student. I agree with PPs that you should move to your parents' for a while.

Bluevelvetsofa · 29/04/2023 14:15

As far as he’s concerned, he’s living at home with his parents. You’re a part time girlfriend who has a baby he enjoys playing with and handing back. You aren’t a couple in the sense that you share things, including a bed. He pleases himself, encouraged by his mother.

I think you should move to your parents, finish your degree, get a job and find yourself somewhere to live with your child. Don’t count him in your plans.

OhmygodDont · 29/04/2023 14:26

This relationship isn’t going to go the distance as it stands. Your basically a single parent who has a friends with benefits co parent relationship.

NSx · 29/04/2023 14:33

@skywalkersweetie the general gist of this thread I would say is correct, it seems like your bf hasn’t really got much interest in this situation that he’s in, however I don’t agree with how some people have put this across to you, there is no need to be rude, so I hope you’re ok 🤍 …

my sister had her baby at 21 and her bf was also the same age, it was really tough, but he helped her a lot & they’re still together now (she’s 33) the point being is that if he really wanted to he could pull his weight, however it comes across as if he has been quite mollycoddled by his parents growing up and I suspect living at home with them now is adding to this behaviour.
My brother behaves this way now & this is also due to my mother doing everything for him all his life to the point that he doesn’t want to do it for himself unless forced!

My advice, like a lot of peoples on here would be to finish your studies but make sure you have a back up plan, please make sure you get as much support and help from your own family members and whichever friends you have around you, as it’s not really clear at the minute what your relationship is going to look like moving forward.

TheNachtzehrer · 29/04/2023 14:37

JudgeRudy · 29/04/2023 13:33

So you don't sleep together, talk together, parent together or spend time together, you alternate? The only time you do anything together is maybe eat and sex. You could get that from a date! He doesn't even sound like a BF let alone partner.
I'm assuming you're living with his parents for financial reasons. In your situation I'd be seeking independent accomodation. I appreciate Councils are very over subscribed however I think that you're in his parents house and have a child you would be classed as an emergency. Get the ball rolling now in the hope that something will turn up during the summer (when you're not in uni).
Don't give up on the relationship but put the ball in his court. He needs to mature a bit so don't give him a list of things to do, tell him (when you're settled) that you're open to persuasion to getting back together and it's down to him to do what he feels is right. You'll let him know if it's enough!

...it really, really would not be classed as an emergency. Apparently there are enough bedrooms spare that she and her "D""P" aren't even sharing a room. The council would consider her perfectly adequately housed. Even if she got evicted by the parents, in the vast majority of councils she would go onto band C, which basically means a room in emergency accommodation so not on the actual streets but a house or flat will be years or decades.

JudgeRudy · 29/04/2023 14:42

TheNachtzehrer · 29/04/2023 14:37

...it really, really would not be classed as an emergency. Apparently there are enough bedrooms spare that she and her "D""P" aren't even sharing a room. The council would consider her perfectly adequately housed. Even if she got evicted by the parents, in the vast majority of councils she would go onto band C, which basically means a room in emergency accommodation so not on the actual streets but a house or flat will be years or decades.

Show quote history

Hmm, I dont personally think it's reasonable to live in your ILs house if you're no longer a couple, particularly if he's still there. ...but yes I wasn't implying she would be handed the keys to a council house, there just aren't any...but I do think she would be eligible for some sort of temporary housing and then be 'on the list' along with other families

Freefall212 · 29/04/2023 14:51

KittyAlfred · 29/04/2023 13:33

@Freefall212 OP is 23, so whilst she’s young, she’s not at school.

Show quote history

She says in her OP that they are both full time students...

Mari9999 · 29/04/2023 14:58

Moving back into his parents house may have moved him back mentally into dependent child status.

He may not have yet perceived himself as an adult in an adult relationship. Moving between parental households is not always conducive to developing an I am an adult with adult responsibilities mindset. It can be more of a" playing house " type mode. It may be particularly awkward for him to have moved his girlfriend and baby into his parents' home. That is not necessarily a very adult move to have to make. A man should be capable of supporting his family on his own.

You should consider going back to your parents home, and telling him to look you up when he has a job and an apartment and is prepared to function as an adult in an adult relationship. During this interval, he should have regular access to his child.

stepMummY1 · 29/04/2023 15:16

matchalattewithsoy · 29/04/2023 12:55

You're both stuck in teenage mode, living with parents, reliant on them for free care, so you have the relationship dynamic of teenagers.

This will never change while you're both under his parents' roof. In your own place he would have to step up or ship out, I suspect the latter.

I don't think it's wrong to live with your folks while you're studying but you can surely see that it is impossible to have an adult relationship while you are so reliant on others for your care and the care of your child.

This sums it up. It sounds like you were young people who accidentally got pregnant and he has had to stand up and be a partner to you when he doesn't really want to.

ImAvingOops · 29/04/2023 15:42

Dh and I were parents at 23. I'm not going to say it was easy because it really wasn't, but we did love each other and were fully 'in'. We stayed with my parents for a few months and then into our own rented home. We both had to grow up - parents were there for support and help but we had to take primary responsibility for our own lives and child. Living with parents infantilises people.

I don't think your boyfriend loves you. The baby has just held you 'together' for a bit and I think he doesn't want to end things because he knows he should do the right thing. But his heart isn't in it. Which is why he exists alongside you but not with you. If he did love you, he would want to be with you and spend time with you. He does a bit to 'help' but you are the default parent, the one whose life fits around her child's needs. He's living like a kid who does a bit of babysitting!

I think that you need to move out and build a life that doesn't rely on him being there. Go for child support but plan to be the sole parent. He may eventually step up and be a decent co parent but o don't see it working out as a relationship for you.

ImAvingOops · 29/04/2023 15:45

And remember that you deserve a man who really loves you. Don't settle for some half arsed effort from a boyfriend who would not have become a long term prospect but for an accidental pregnancy

JulieHoney · 29/04/2023 15:55

He has checked out of the relationship. If your parents are happy to have you and your baby. I’d move back in until your degree is finished (presumably just a few weeks now?) and you can get a job to support yourself and your baby.

ChristmasFluff · 29/04/2023 16:02

Och, you're making it really hard, when it is so simple.

Humans like to be with people they love - in any circumstance.

He doesn't love you. He can say he does, he can talk all sorts ofn shite, but he doesn't.

this relationship is done. think about the best way to end it for you. Keep yourself and your child as your main focus. The ex partner is done and you need to catch up to that place.

CarrotCake01 · 29/04/2023 16:18

That sounds quite isolating and lonely OP, I'm sorry your OH isn't stepping up as much as you'd like him to.
From what you're describing, it doesn't really seem like he's totally invested in this relationship and fatherhood right now. It doesn't seem quite right but that could be for a number of reasons and doesn't mean its irretrievable.

I would say you need to have a proper think about what you want for yourself and your child and what you need from your partner. Then you need to have an open although potentially difficult conversation and get him to see the reality of how you're feeling and what you can both do to fix this.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 29/04/2023 16:19

Working and living in the same four walls with everybody else sounds claustrophobic to me.

You need a place of your own - if he follows, he follows, and if he doesn't, well, at least you're not watching things deteriorate whilst in a vulnerable situation in terms of housing.

AcrossthePond55 · 29/04/2023 16:37

Move home with your parents. Set up a schedule for not-so-DP to have DS at his parent's home and stick to it.

See where the chips fall. He'll either step up to the mark as a partner and a parent or (more likely) he'll fail miserably at both. But at least it will be clear to you in the end.

Personally, I agree w/PPs. He doesn't want to be in a relationship and certainly doesn't want to be a parent. Anything he does that indicates otherwise is strictly to 'keep the peace' in his parent's house.

SavBlancTonight · 29/04/2023 16:41

Op, I'm very sorry. I am guessing that you moved in with him and his parents when you got pregnant? Unfortunately, this has all the hallmarks of someone who doesn't want this life. He probably does care about you and your DS but he's not interested in the responsibility and the lifestyle. By living with his parents he benefits as he gets looked after by you and his mum, plays with your DS when he feels like, sex on tap but doesn't have to be in an actual relationship.

He doesn't sound like a bad guy - from what you're saying, he's not out every night partying etc. But this isn't what he wanted. That's not really an excuse - he should bloody well step up. But I'm afraid you can't force it.