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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To tell DS 15 that his mates have dumped him

113 replies

TheColourofspring · 27/04/2023 17:26

My DS15 is a quiet shy boy. He belongs to a gang of mates from primary and has been particularly close to one of the boys. Except I think they have dumped him. He’s texted his best mate 4 times in the last couple weeks to do stuff and there is always an excuse not to see him. They have also created a new WhatsApp group that he’s not in (he knows this as they went bowling last weekend & didn’t invite him but posted it on Instagram)

DS is very sensitive and quiet and not as emotionally mature as some of the boys who are now into parties etc. He thinks the best of people though generally and I don’t think has totally realised what has happened.

I feel so awful for DS- I couldn’t sleep last night with the worry and upset - he isn’t get confident anyway and I think it’s totally wrecked his confidence even more.

The only blessing is that most of the boys are at a different school so am hoping he can focus on new friends in his school. It will still be devastating for him though.

Any advice? Should I gently suggest that they might have moved on?

OP posts:
Weallgottachangesometime · 27/04/2023 17:30

I wouldn’t say they have dumped him. I would just say something along the lines of “It seems like she’s been busy doing other things recently. Maybe you could invite X to the cinema this week, or did you want to ask Y to come round for dinner on Friday to play computer games”.

I’d not phrase it as him being dropped but rather them being busy/having others things going on. That makes it less about him and more about them.

Original poster
TheColourofspring · 27/04/2023 17:33

@Weallgottachangesometime thanks- yes- I guess I am just worried if he keeps on getting rejected, it’ll make him feel worse - I don’t want him to be made a fool of if that makes sense

OP posts:
hopeishere · 27/04/2023 17:35

Oof my heart goes out to you. I worry so much about DS (also 15) friendships. He's been in secondary for four years now and seems o have a different set of friends every year.

I agree with focusing on new school friends. Are all the others at the same school? Does he do other activities?

ChickenDhansak82 · 27/04/2023 17:36

Perhaps you can instead encourage him to invite some kids from his school to socialise?

Or encourage him to join a club where he will meet new people?

I wouldn't use the phrase "moved on". It's more grown apart. People change. Friendship groups change in life. It's normal.

I have a Y11 tutor group and am forever telling them that it's perfectly OK not to be besties with someone forever, and it's perfectly ok to meet new friends.

If he is in Y10 then perhaps school can help with some social ideas? My school runs all sorts of clubs for kids to socialise. I used to run a Warhammer Club! I have no interest in it, but a couple of quiet kids loved it so I started a club at their request. A term later I had 12 kids attending!

BHRK · 27/04/2023 17:37

I think it’s normal for primary kids to slowly lose touch once they move on.
just say “oh seems like they’re busy at their new school, do you want to invite any new people over from your school or I could give you some cash to go to the cinema or something?”
if all else fails keep him busy yourself if possible - trips out, cinema and so on.
i know it’s heartbreaking but try to keep your own emotions in check. Let him come to you if upset

Gcsunnyside23 · 27/04/2023 17:39

Aw I really feel for you and him as I had a similar experience with my daughter but the friend was using her and dropping her when suited. I think I took it harder than her as hated seeing her upset.
I encouraged her to focus on friends in her school and class that she gets on with and slowly build up to doing stuff together outside if school. Is he in any clubs or have outside interests ge could try to make new friends through?
I would lightly point out to him that maybe they have drifted from him and it's time he branch out and look for more people to be friends with. People often change friend groups throughout their life and it's tougher when you're forced to branch out but might be good for him in the long run

StressedToTheMaxxx · 27/04/2023 18:02

hopeishere · 27/04/2023 17:35

Oof my heart goes out to you. I worry so much about DS (also 15) friendships. He's been in secondary for four years now and seems o have a different set of friends every year.

I agree with focusing on new school friends. Are all the others at the same school? Does he do other activities?

I honesty wouldn't worry this , they move to different classes over the years and so regularly change friendship groups. I bet lots of his friends are the same, I certainly was and there was no problem.

Original poster
TheColourofspring · 27/04/2023 18:03

I think DS finds it harder because he’s so reserved and shy- he struggles with small talk etc

OP posts:
2bazookas · 27/04/2023 18:11

I feel so awful for DS- I couldn’t sleep last night with the worry and upset

You're far too over-invested in this. Its very common and normal for childrens friendship groups to shift and change especially when they reach puberty at different rates, go to different schools, find new hobbies and activities . Don't turn it into a huge drama damaging DS.

Just say to him "I expect they've become involved in something at their school; "
and casually encourage him to find new activities at his.

Whatevs99 · 27/04/2023 19:24

I am with you OP - the same thing happened to my DS at the end of primary school. His group of buddies who he’d been friendly with for 8 years totally dropped him (prompted by a new-joiner who effectively pushed DS out). I was devastated for him. I think it really affected his confidence and he became much quieter and more reserved.

He’s 14 now and has never openly acknowledged that they’ve left him behind, it’s a sort of unsaid thing.

I have encouraged him to make friends elsewhere. His former friends all go to different schools, so he has an opportunity to branch out with new friends. I have encouraged the “would you like to invite some friends from school over”, “why not go to the cinema with some school friends etc”, but it’s a slow and tortuous process.

I’m not sure there is much else you can do to help. It’s a hard life-lesson.

Gistbury · 27/04/2023 19:34

My son is 5 and I have sleepless nights about his friendships for all of the same reasons (he's shy, not as emotionally mature etc) and they exclude him in school from games etc. I know it's not the same but just wanted to come on and show solidarity for us 'over-invested' mums

InSpainTheRain · 27/04/2023 20:19

I know what you mean OP - but don't put it like that. Perhaps instead concentrate on something else he'd like to do with someone else. Cinema with another friend, MaccyD's with someone? Does he have a hobby where he could get additional friends outside school? Another suggestion would be D of E schemes - ours always seem to pick up friends there and they are doing something rather than things to do (if you seem what I mean).

lkkjhg · 27/04/2023 20:20

Friendships change during teen years. My teen has been "dropped" and been accused of "dropping a friend".

Our own strategy has been to talk about kids growing up and changing and that therefore it is not surprising that friendships change.

Encouraging a range of friends at different schools and activities is helpful as is encouraging politeness and kindness even if the friendship alters

Isthisexpected · 27/04/2023 20:23

I would play this down and focus on developing the other friendship possibilities. I definitely wouldn't offer any kind of theory or announcement re the phasing out or growing apart unless he asks what you think.

MonsterRehab23 · 27/04/2023 20:41

Solidarity OP. We had this with DS last year when his only real friend dropped him. He’s autistic and struggles with social cues and just couldn’t understand why his friend stopped messaging him. After a few weeks he accepted that the friendship was over but struggled with the lack of explanation. I get that kids drift apart , and I’d never want anyone to be friends with him out of pity, but it was totally rubbish for him.

screamtoabloodysigh · 27/04/2023 20:52

I get it.
For some kids, friends are fluid and they drop;are dropped and cry,and find others. I have one dc like this.
For others they cling to what they know because they don't know how to make new ones. I have one like this.

His friends have made new friends and he is now on the periphery and on his own when they go and play football. He is tolerated in school, and walking home, but no one ever contacts him out of school. He won't go and find other kids, which kills me. There are 300 kids in his year. There are bound to be kids more like him.

Original poster
TheColourofspring · 27/04/2023 21:31

Thanks for all your comments- it’s so hard especially when your child is quite socially reserved. My DS finds big groups quite difficult too which is why he valued this one friend who has now seemingly dumped him.

I am hoping it will get better for him in college and that it will help him find his tribe. It’s so hard for him feeling left out though and I probably am emotionally invested to a degree as I know how much he struggles with the things that other kids don’t even think about like finding the courage to talk to new people etc.

OP posts:
nobody190 · 27/04/2023 21:47

It really upsets me when I hear of any friends start leaving someone from the group out. It's happened to my dd a couple of times and I feel terrible for her every time. But then a few days or weeks later they ask her to do things again. I think some kids are so fickle at this age. I wouldn't tell him they've dumped him. I probably wouldn't bring it up unless he does. Or encourage him to make plans with other friends at his school.

Showdogworkingdog · 27/04/2023 22:56

My DS’s friends did the same to him when he was that age. He’s now 22 and still quite reserved and he now has loads of friends from uni and rugby but I remember at the time it was awful. I was friends with their mums as they’d all gone through primary school together, lived close together, used to walk to and from school and be in one another’s houses after school then suddenly it stopped, they were meeting up without him, ignoring him on the walk to school and just behaving like mean little shits. I talked to him about it being them and not him and that he could control his behaviour but not theirs, to shrug it off etc but I also spoke to the mums on the quiet to see if they could intervene. If they did try, it didn’t make a difference. To him though, I didn’t make a big deal about it and tried to build his confidence, in other ways and kept him busy, creating opportunities to meet new friends.

My DS did more sport, switched from football (which they all played) to rugby and gradually rebuilt a new friendship circle. He met his first girlfriend shortly after that and they were pretty intense for a while.

I don’t really have a friendship with the former friends’ mums anymore either, I backed right off from them - we used to holiday together and go out together for years so it was a big change. I’m still kind of disappointed about how it all panned out actually, I’d like to think if it’d been another of the boys, I wouldn’t have stood by and watched them be so mean to a child I’d known since preschool like the other mums appeared to do, it left a bad taste in my mouth. Sorry x

bossybloss · 27/04/2023 23:02

ChickenDhansak82 · 27/04/2023 17:36

Perhaps you can instead encourage him to invite some kids from his school to socialise?

Or encourage him to join a club where he will meet new people?

I wouldn't use the phrase "moved on". It's more grown apart. People change. Friendship groups change in life. It's normal.

I have a Y11 tutor group and am forever telling them that it's perfectly OK not to be besties with someone forever, and it's perfectly ok to meet new friends.

If he is in Y10 then perhaps school can help with some social ideas? My school runs all sorts of clubs for kids to socialise. I used to run a Warhammer Club! I have no interest in it, but a couple of quiet kids loved it so I started a club at their request. A term later I had 12 kids attending!

You sound like a lovely teacher. … well done 👍

UsingChangeofName · 27/04/2023 23:04

2bazookas · 27/04/2023 18:11

I feel so awful for DS- I couldn’t sleep last night with the worry and upset

You're far too over-invested in this. Its very common and normal for childrens friendship groups to shift and change especially when they reach puberty at different rates, go to different schools, find new hobbies and activities . Don't turn it into a huge drama damaging DS.

Just say to him "I expect they've become involved in something at their school; "
and casually encourage him to find new activities at his.

This, totally.

AIBU To tell DS 15 that his mates have dumped him
Yes,. very, very unreasonable.

The first reply is much better advice.

IcedBananas · 27/04/2023 23:12

I wouldn’t put it like that to him. I would tell him that there needs to be equal and reciprocal effort in a friendship. If it’s all him messaging and he’s not getting anything back from their side then he should focus on forming other friendships that will work better for him. There’s lots of people to make friends with, we don’t have to put up with being treated unfairly. He might need to talk about his feelings too id imagine it’s very upsetting. Best not to bottle that up if you can persuade him

Daffodil63 · 27/04/2023 23:18

Could he take up a sport and join a club? My DS friends were mainly from the sport and the club he belonged to. It meant they met every weekend and regularly during the week for the sport.

Yazo · 27/04/2023 23:22

I would 100% talk to him. My friends dumped be at a similar age, I was devastated, felt so alone and my mum never said anything. Kindness and empathy always helps. My mum probably never even realises but I've never forgotten it, even having so many friends and I suppose having become more popular than them. Poor lad, it's tough

screamtoabloodysigh · 27/04/2023 23:23

Daffodil63 · 27/04/2023 23:18

Could he take up a sport and join a club? My DS friends were mainly from the sport and the club he belonged to. It meant they met every weekend and regularly during the week for the sport.

For some kids though, even that is too much. Ds has been in clubs all his life. One sport, one csdet type thing. He can't even tell you their names, let alone make actual friends. He's friendly and everyone likes him... but not enough to take it further. He's much better 121, but you can't be 121 without diving into the throng. He's the polar opposite of both his gregarious parents.