To tell DS 15 that his mates have dumped him

[TheColourofspring]

My DS15 is a quiet shy boy. He belongs to a gang of mates from primary and has been particularly close to one of the boys. Except I think they have dumped him. He’s texted his best mate 4 times in the last couple weeks to do stuff and there is always an excuse not to see him. They have also created a new WhatsApp group that he’s not in (he knows this as they went bowling last weekend & didn’t invite him but posted it on Instagram)

DS is very sensitive and quiet and not as emotionally mature as some of the boys who are now into parties etc. He thinks the best of people though generally and I don’t think has totally realised what has happened.

I feel so awful for DS- I couldn’t sleep last night with the worry and upset - he isn’t get confident anyway and I think it’s totally wrecked his confidence even more.

The only blessing is that most of the boys are at a different school so am hoping he can focus on new friends in his school. It will still be devastating for him though.

Any advice? Should I gently suggest that they might have moved on?

Rather than suggest that his mates have dumped him, you could teach him now about social norms with respect to invitations.

If I invite someone twice and get a no, I look at it as their turn to do the inviting. Either they are not interested and I won’t hear anything, or they were truly busy but still want to make effort with the friendship. It’s a way of protecting oneself, really. But it’s also showing respect for the other person rather than pushing them into a situation where they have to be blunt and hurtful.

There are so many unspoken rules like this that can help a child if you teach them. I am NT but I still had to learn these things as an adult because no one explained and I didn’t pick it up intuitively. It could have saved loads of embarrassment.

Also, teach him that everybody doesn’t enjoy hanging out with everybody and it’s absolutely not the end of the world or a commentary on someone’s value. It’s more like food preferences. Something you don’t like might be my most favorite thing.

Rather than suggest that his mates have dumped him, you could teach him now about social norms with respect to invitations.

If I invite someone twice and get a no, I look at it as their turn to do the inviting. Either they are not interested and I won’t hear anything, or they were truly busy but still want to make effort with the friendship. It’s a way of protecting oneself, really. But it’s also showing respect for the other person rather than pushing them into a situation where they have to be blunt and hurtful.

This is so true.

My DS(13) has had some friendship shifting over the last year with his core friend group (school based - they all moved up from primary together) He is quite sensitive and loyal, but I've gently coached him about how puberty/your teens is a time of change and often its good to try new people on, see if they fit - and that different bits of people's personalities get stronger at different times and this can cause you to drift apart. I also say that sometimes you need to let that happen and notice how this happens to others too. I mean that's massively paraphrasing, but it seems to have helped him. He also has a couple of extra curricular groups he goes to regularly and these helped take the pressure off .

this is every parent's nightmare. My daughter had a (same but different) problem with her crew when over the summer holidays they excluded her then sent her to coventry when they all got back in september as a pre determined act. You have 2 ways to deal with this:
a. basically let DS get on with it. There comes a point when all kids need to learn that the world is NOT a nice place
b. steam into the parents.

We chose option b. In a sense it didnt work well for us to the extent that none of the parents of her crew were prepared to own the obvious issue. HOWEVER, our DD (bless her) has since found other friends and is living her best life. As such, my best advice is to try your best to give DS the strength to f... these people off and the support to find new friends. These kids dont sound like they are worth his moral fibre. BUT... there are kids out there that DO!!!

Why would you have a go at someone else's parents because they don't want to be friends with your kid? Weird advice and with the chance that their kid tells yours that they were forced to hang out with them. You can't push friendships or any relationships as that would cause resentment from that other person.
Everyone has to work it out for themselves. Give guidance if and when they ask for it rather than have conversations out of the blue (to them) about it.

Yeah never do option b. Never a good idea. No teen is going to want a friend whose parents get involved whenever they fall out, they'll run a mile.

I was like this too, but I'm pretty elderly now and still have friends from Uni. I have occasionally thought back to my schooldays and wonder if I could have done anything about it. In reality I just didn't fit there - I was pretty awkward and doubt that anything would have made any difference or that I would have fitted anywhere at that time. It was just part of my life.

If it's any consolation OP I have the same problem with my 5 year old and it's almost impossible to explain to her why the little girl who happily described her as her best friend not even two weeks ago spent all of last week refusing to talk to her and playing with someone else :(

OMG, do NOT tell him in that language his friends have "dumped in." I understand why you're worried for him, though.

The majority of mom's would be. I know I was and still can be. Mine are all grown and leading good lives.

I think it has been said that it's how you handle it is the most important. Asking him to invite other school friends from his new school over is a good way forward, as others have said.

Focus on what you can do. That's the constructive way forward, keeping the other friends low-key and not the problem so it doesn't heighten his feelings of rejection

Contacting their parents was a dreadful idea. You cannot force teens to be friends. It just does not work like that. You cannot force another adult to love you or to be your friend.

The best thing to do is to build up your teen's confidence and give them the tools to find new friends.

My heart goes out to you, I also have a sensitive quiet DS 15 who struggles with the complex world of teenage friendships but desperately wants friends. Are there activities your DS can do in or outside school where he can interact with his peers but with less pressure of hanging out? We've encouraged my DS to do football and rugby which he is enjoying. He's confidence is still low but it is growing. I also try to keep the channels of communication open with me so he knows he can talk to me and I talk to him about how complicated the teenage years are and that it does get better. I read a brilliant book called How To Bullyproof Your Kids, not that your DS is at risk but it helped me understand the complexties of teenagers and friendships, which has helped me talk to him. It is so hard and heartbreaking, but you clearly have his back which will really help him navigate this hard time.

Hi.

Normalise it. I’d just say “funny how friendship groups change…” Give him examples of how yours or your partner’s changed growing up. Tell him how, at 15 it’s a time when people start to form new friendships then encourage some new friendships.

Don’t mention him being “dumped” whatever you do. It’ll crush him. Make it look like he’s choosing new friends.

Their energy no longer matches anyway. He sounds lovely. He’ll be just fine.

Stay positive and focus your energy on nurturing new friendships. 🌱 Enjoy your bank hol too. X

I do so feel for you. Had much the same thing happen to my son at the same age. Then he went to an FE college for a year between school and university and never looked back. I remember him saying 'at school, they laughed at you. At college they laugh with you.' In his last year at school he was 'dumped' by somebody who had been a friend. We did talk about it as positively as possible - and how it was clear that this same boy was desperately tagging along with a group of older kids - who didn't really want him. I remember when same 'friend' who hadn't been in touch for months saw my son out with a bunch of college mates, boys and girls together, and suddenly phoned the house. This was before the days of mobiles. Son was (genuinely) out, so I had the satisfaction of telling him that I would certainly relay the message, but he tended to be busy these days. Unworthy, I know, because this boy was probably just as vulnerable but we feel so much sympathy for our kids. One good knock on effect of this, though, has been that our now grown up son has been quite careful about trying to include people who may be struggling socially.