To tell DS 15 that his mates have dumped him

[TheColourofspring]

My DS15 is a quiet shy boy. He belongs to a gang of mates from primary and has been particularly close to one of the boys. Except I think they have dumped him. He’s texted his best mate 4 times in the last couple weeks to do stuff and there is always an excuse not to see him. They have also created a new WhatsApp group that he’s not in (he knows this as they went bowling last weekend & didn’t invite him but posted it on Instagram)

DS is very sensitive and quiet and not as emotionally mature as some of the boys who are now into parties etc. He thinks the best of people though generally and I don’t think has totally realised what has happened.

I feel so awful for DS- I couldn’t sleep last night with the worry and upset - he isn’t get confident anyway and I think it’s totally wrecked his confidence even more.

The only blessing is that most of the boys are at a different school so am hoping he can focus on new friends in his school. It will still be devastating for him though.

Any advice? Should I gently suggest that they might have moved on?

Does being sensitive and shy make someone emotionally immature? Personally I don't think so.

As others have said, please don't tell him they've dumped him, he will already feel awful. Instead I would try to encourage other friendships. I would arrange for a few fun family days out based around what he enjoys and just try to distract him as much as you can.

Friendships are so hard to navigate at any age, even as adults, and the only way you can prevent being hurt is to reject friendships altogether which isn't ideal. It was bound to happen at one point. I hope he's able to move on over time. The fact they've ghosted him is really unkind.

No dont tell him! If I was him and my mum pointed that out, however gently, I'd be so embarrassed and there is no way for him to save face. I'd be so hurt and remember it for a long time.

Just be there for him. Encourage other activities.

What I would maybe do, is talk to him about your own experiences of friendships throughout life. That you've had good friends come and go and that it's normal. It's likely the others won't be friends forever too. That he will likely make good friends through work as that's where you've made friends yada yada.

Basically, he may like to know that what he's experiencing is so common, and that it's no reflection on him. It's what happens to the best of us.

Also - I much prefer reserved people. Many people do. It's just hard as a teenager when much of social life revolves around parties, early relationships and showing off. Once he's a bit older, in a career or studying a subject he likes, he'll likely find like minded people to be friends with.

I found it hard to make friends at that age and to be honest would have been mortified if my mum had spoken to me about it, it all felt so embarrassing without her wading in and acknowledging it too.

No I wouldn’t explicitly tell him; he might be crushed. Just plan lots of nice outings with him yourself for the next little while.

Encourage him to make friends outside of school: sports clubs, hobbies, Scouts; that sort of thing.

It is tricky. I remember imagining my DC would go all through school/life being friends with their little pre-school and primary school friends, but that's not how life works. Certainly, when I went to secondary school my friends were made there & not necessarily because I happened to attend primary with them or because they were 'family friends' i.e. the mums are friends so the kids hang out. It is awkward once kids get to teenage years and they know who they get on with and want to hang out with, it's not parents arranging 'friends coming for tea' like in primary.

OP if you think about it as an adult I'm sure you have plenty of colleagues that you like well enough in work but that you don't especially want to spend your time off with. Why would it be any different for schoolkids? Especially if they don't have the shared experiece of the same school to bond them, chances are they will grow apart or grow closer to people they do spend most time with. It's never easy but it is part of life letting friendships/relationships go when they've run there course.

Do something he'll really like this weekend, it's a transition we all make from time to time & you can show him there's still fun to be had.

Almost all teen and adults: loose touch with friends, make new friends, get hurt by others, feel shy and nervous at times, have periods when their confidence is lower.... Don't project your concern onto him, just tell him friends change and that he'll find his tribe when the time comes.

He's growing up and stuff like this is part of it. There's absolutely nothing wrong with being shy. Plenty of adults are shy and awkward and still have friends.

My eldest daughter went through the same around the same age, though all went to the same school. You don't need to tell him. He would know. You can only be supportive and tell him he'll find his tribe.

I would look for speech and drama classes and debating groups - great for helping one to get more comfortable about speaking out and being more outgoing.

I don’t think his old friends are consciously leaving him out or anything malicious. Male friendships tend to be low maintenance and they don’t really take things like this personally. They don’t even go to the same school, so he’s not always going to be a priority for his old friends. Bowling is the thing people do for birthdays or events so might not have made sense for him to go if he doesn’t know everyone there.

The reality is that he’s socially awkward and needs to work on that as he could be putting people off or fading into the background. He might come across that he doesn’t want to be there during outings. Being shy/reserved can be a character flaw at times.

I don’t think he’s been “dumped”, plus I think he sounds like he’s too sensitive to take that well if you told him. You need to help him improve his confidence and social skill. Encourage him to stay in touch with his old friends online as people do drift apart in life but can always come together, especially at 6th form/uni. Maybe he just needs to reduce the outing requests a bit and just let them make the first move.

My DS finds big groups quite difficult too which is why he valued this one friend who has now seemingly dumped him

on the flip side, to have to be your mate’s entire social support might be a bit much for the valued friend, maybe he needs a bit of space?

Social anxiety is so hard for kids.

Im sure he will find like minded friends that he has lots in common with. But remember some kids and adults do just like their own company too. One of my sons has a small group of close friends now and hates large gatherings. He recently told me he actually likes his own company just as much. He is now 21.

Im sure things will get better and I’m guessing deep down he has realised what has happened with his friends.

Remind him that it often gets better after school. I made most of my friends around uni-age. Sometimes it feels like high-school is forever and the most important thing but it's not.

Can your son be encouraged to join a club of interest where he is doing something very enjoyable and making new friends who are not associated with his school necessarily.

This group could be a great confidence builder and teach him social skills without fear of rejection and can be a buffer and a point of stability while he goes through his teenage years.

Suggestions:
Model train making club
Athletic club
Bird watching
Scouts
Chess
Woodwork
Cookery club
Men's Shed
Volunteering in a kitchen
Stamp or coin collecting clubs
Sport
Church youth club
Swim squad
Sailing
Clay shooting
Library volunteer
Animal rescue
Ballroom dancing
Car, plane or building restoration
Community garden
Film club

There must be something that would be a positive extra curricular activity.

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I really feel for you and your son OP. For what it’s worth, I don’t feel you are over invested at all, he’s your son!
@VestaTilley gave some really sound advice.
In addition, try to stop worrying so much by injecting some humour - watch comedies together, put on loud music and have a stupid boogie, make something together, teach him to cook a fave dish, buy tickets for an event he would like, go hiking somewhere with an overnight stay if possible. Good luck and enjoy this time together

Don’t ever tell him he is dumped by his friends. So cruel on top of the awful behavior of the “friends”. Encourage new friends that he has things in common with, at school and through shared activities. Help him start new interests and activities and meet new people. Become friends with the moms because unfortunately a lot of this kind of treatment is due to being outsiders in general. Yes even though he’s 15 and yes soon that won’t be a consideration really thank goodness. Very cruel of the boys to treat your precious boy that way. Be very gentle, I’m sure you will.

So many good suggestions on this thread! @user1492757084 excellent

Many youth centres run clubs where your ds may find like minded friends. Also church youth groups are often a good place for nonsporty/ outgoing lads. I would focus on casually mentioning new opportunities rather than saying he has been dropped.

Solidarity here too. Mine has just started secondary and, as a shy boy, is finding friendships hard. Primary friends all seem to have moved on. It's so sad when he learns that he hasn't been invited to a birthday party etc. He's always had friends but always on the periphery of groups, not the core of them. Was really hoping he'd find his 'tribe' at secondary, but not so far. Like pp I wouldn't say anything but encourage other avenues e.g if he mentions someone at school you could suggest he invites them home or for a meet up.

I agree. If you must get involved next time he raises it, ask him what HE thinks and listen while he draws he own conclusions.

My.primal.self wants us to go after them with lighted bushels but I suppose gently steering him away is the best way. Its such a horrible time, just look forward to him finding his real tribe.

Ooh, that must feel a bit tough on you OP.
This is the kind of thing that would upset me too.
My DD is only 5 and because she's got some challenges physically she gets left out of games and her friends won't play with her at breaktimes. It really crushes me but she seems to have found some peace in playing alone. I try not to get too involved because these social interactions are just a part of life and these feelings are things she'll need to deal with throughout her life. I let her know I'm there to talk to about it, I help her come up with alternative things she could do in her breaktimes, I reassure her and emphasise her amazing qualities and I try to help her work on her physical problems.
I suppose my advice would be similar. There's not a whole lot you can do, this is quite natural and he needs to be able to deal with it (without sounding mean!) But you can be there for him to talk to when he's ready and you can remind him how amazing he is and try and help him find some new clubs and interests.

Army cadets and air cadets are fantastic for making friends, building confidence and keeping teenagers busy. Ours is 2 evenings a week plus loads is weekend events and they’re all very friendly and inclusive

They’re year 11? I’m thinking it’s a busy time for everyone revising and this friend / group of friends may be prioritising any down time with people he’s revising with. By this I mean, they just happen to be together revising then suggest xyz. Your ds isn’t around for revision as he isn’t at the same school then naturally they have formed a group without him. It may not be excluding as such or even dropping him in the deliberate sense, despite how it may feel.

I’m more like your ds. Got dropped by my bestie when a new girl joined the school in the 4th year (year 10) then never really fitted in again. My dd is year 10 and the opposite, has lots of friends. Still friends with one of her besties from primary, doesn’t see the other one, who is very reserved nowadays and backed away from the friendship having found her own tribe. All 3 at different schools btw.

Just on the flip side, it can be quite intense to be the one and only important friend. My dd was best friends for a while with a girl, who is very intense and didn’t want dd to have a wide friendship group. Dd really struggled and I encouraged her to see she could be friends with these other girls as well and still remain besties. Dd tried to integrate her but she was nasty and the friendship blew up. I am not suggesting your ds is doing this. However I have seen how tough it is to have another child put a lot of emotional pressure and expectations on yours. Unfortunately perhaps this boy is enjoying branching out. As I say, I know how hurtful this feels.

Lots of good advice to get your ds busy when he’s ready.