To tell DS 15 that his mates have dumped him

[TheColourofspring]

My DS15 is a quiet shy boy. He belongs to a gang of mates from primary and has been particularly close to one of the boys. Except I think they have dumped him. He’s texted his best mate 4 times in the last couple weeks to do stuff and there is always an excuse not to see him. They have also created a new WhatsApp group that he’s not in (he knows this as they went bowling last weekend & didn’t invite him but posted it on Instagram)

DS is very sensitive and quiet and not as emotionally mature as some of the boys who are now into parties etc. He thinks the best of people though generally and I don’t think has totally realised what has happened.

I feel so awful for DS- I couldn’t sleep last night with the worry and upset - he isn’t get confident anyway and I think it’s totally wrecked his confidence even more.

The only blessing is that most of the boys are at a different school so am hoping he can focus on new friends in his school. It will still be devastating for him though.

Any advice? Should I gently suggest that they might have moved on?

Hi OP
I feel for you and DS OP. I think that when teenagers reach the age that they start partying and dating, the friendships built in younger years do shift. I socialised with one group of girls until I was about 14 but they started going out a lot more and dating older guys and were ‘the cool group’ and I was a bit quieter and didn’t fit into their new circle.

I felt at the time I was dumped but now see that actually i’d just grown apart from them. I quickly made new friends who were more similar to me and I’m still friends with today. It feels harsh at the time but it is about growing and finding our feet and making new more adult connections.

I would give him advice on the practical side - ie ‘you have asked the last few times, so now it’s good to wait till they get in touch’. Do a gentle eye roll about how they are being a bit rubbish and he should leave them to it for now. And then separately encourage other friendships and have some general chats about how many people find friendships are not plain sailing at school.

As most of the boys are at a different school, it was probably only a matter of time before they moved on to a friendship group in their new school. Hopefully, your DS can do likewise.

I know it is difficult, but try not to take it personally on behalf of your DS. Some of the replies here are unhelpful.

Aww, bless him, poor chap.

Agree with PPs, accentuate the positive and focus on that. Are there clubs and groups school, or in the area, he could get involved in?

I would just explain to him that this things might happen and they are opportunities to meet new people. When I was in primary school I really struggled to “fit in” with my classmates at school (small village, in my class there were just 7 kids, so no spoilt for options). I started to hang out with other kids leaving in my neighbourhood, we are still friends today. I would not make it too much of a big deal. You can still ask if something happened that might justify his friends’ behaviour. It might be just a teens’ thing and in a few weeks they will start to hang out together.

I feel your pain OP! My 15 year old is realising his friends are moving away from him and it hurts (and we feel that hurt as if it's our own right?). Something similar happened when he started seniors and he was very down about it then, he's a little more stoic now but he is lonely.

He's leaving school after GCSEs (he'll still only be 15 then eeek! So I've been telling him that a fresh start at college might be just the thing - making new friends and also talking to him about that old quote some friends are for a reason, some for a season and some for a lifetime but most are in the first two categories!

@LuckyDipForTheEuro am really hoping college is a more positive thing for my DS too

It's horrible when your child is going through something you can't fix for him. I had so much anguish with my DS...
He took up roleplaying games (dungeons and dragons and suchlike) and other geeky things and the friends he made became lifelong friends. Is there a local group that he could join? D&D is cool now, after Stranger Things!

Unfortunately I’ve learned with five children that you do need to teach your children to be resilient, and work things out for themselves. So I would suggest, if it was my DS, that they’ve moved on and he should focus more on his current school friends. But as I’m a woose emotionally I’d probably also intervene a little and encourage him to do things with new school friends, clubs etc.. hope all goes well

I totally understand how you feel about this and why it’s upsetting for you.
when my son moved from primary to secondary he was the only one of his friendship group that got put in a tutor group without a known friend.
on the first day of secondary his other friends all met up at break and lunch but because my son was on his own he just lost his way and didn’t find his friends so he said he just found a bench and sat and ate lunch on his own.
this literally made my heart hurt and for a long while after I had visions of him sitting all alone at school which genuinely upset me so much.
but actually my son wasn’t bothered by it and within no time he had a whole load of new friends.
he’s year 11 now so almost finished with school and his friendships have changed many times over the years but he’s always had plenty of friends and different groups and always been happy.

I think what I’m trying to say is often we actually feel things a lot worse than the children.
xxx

It’s brutal out there. My kid’s secondary school is toxic, with friends getting ‘cancelled’, or dropped all the time.
Making new friends is easier said than done as groups seem very closed and territorial. Hideous!
All you can do is try your best to encourage him to invest in the friendships that are positive and gently say that people do move away when in different schools. Not personal.
Easier said than done and heartbreaking as I’ve been there, but try to not let your emotions make it more obvious/worse for him.

You need to view it differently. It's normal, not unusual for secondary boys to grow apart, not feel the same. Ds1 moved groups, and ds2 had aswell. Some groups stayed the same throughout secondary. But many people dropped in and out, and new groups were created. Play this down. It's just natural friendship development. Encourage him to find his ilk.

Don't make this a big deal. Boys don't define themselves by friendship groups the way girls do. "I don’t think has totally realised what has happened." Good. leave it like that.

I feel for you and your son, this happened to my daughter. It was heartbreaking to see. We kept her busy with family days out and clubs. School were very helpful and put her in classes/ groups that the girls involved weren’t in. They had also seen what was happening and put her with girls they thought she would get along with. Five years down the line these girls are now her closest friends. We talk about what happened with the other girls and see it as a positive. Hope he finds some lovely lads like him to be mates with 🤞🏻❤️

Oh, my heart bleeds for him. Who would be an adolescent by choice?! But be careful that you don't trigger anxiety by projecting your own anxiety onto him...

I’m going to go slightly against the grain here: I don’t think you should say he’s been “dumped”, but I do think it might be helpful to be honest.

I think being the last to realise these things is painful and embarrassing and I don’t think he will thank you for beating around the bush.

My DD had a similar experience with her former best friend (whose mum was a close friend of mine). The friend started to pull away when she reached secondary school and it took my DD ages for the penny to drop. She would pursue the girl and not realise she was basically ghosting her.

When she finally realised it was extremely painful and she lashed out at me for not telling her.

When we did talk about it I had to admit I had seen this coming a long way off and hadn’t said anything.

Ultimately kids need to find their own way through these situations and there’s a limit to what the parents can do and no parent should try to broker friendships or get involved.

But I think trying to gloss over it and pretend it’s normal is, I think, doing them a disservice. Kids need guidance sometimes in learning about what behaviours are acceptable and how to read the nuance of problematic behaviour and critically, how to identify when someone is being evasive or emotionally dishonest. It doesn’t happen automatically and we need to help them.

It really isn't surprising that they've got new friends if they're at different schools. Don't interfere and tell him, it's probably better if it gradually dawns on him.

You can never have too.many friends can you.

Why not keep old and new friends
Old friends have known you much longer too

Just like a former partner, never chase old relationships.

But things just don't work like that do they? Teenagers tend to be enmeshed in one friendship group with links through school, sport, games or whatever, a common thread.
Their interests change so much over secondary school years.
My DS had a friend all through primary school, I'd known his mother since our antenatal classes and I often looked after him after school. They were inseperable until they went to secondary school then drifted apart as they weren't being thrust together any longer and didn't have much in common.

This is such a timely thread for me as my child was distraught recently with a similar incident … but he has been included in other following events (phew) and I was so upset for him so I feel your pain and thank you to all the posters with their replies. I’m hearing my mother’s comments about ‘don’t put all your eggs in one basket’ so as others have said encourage other activities and friendship possibilities for him to make genuine friendships. Good luck.

But be careful that you don't trigger anxiety by projecting your own anxiety onto him...

This!

Very upsetting for us mums though, I know! We all crave connection as well as authenticity, and we want the for our dc even more than for ourselves.

You would be unreasonable to tell him they dumped him, rather suggest that initiating contact needs to go both ways and should be balanced. That it's normal to branch out and for things to feel a bit uncertain when you're a teenager throughout life.

The thing is, the minute your boy finds one or two friends, many more will flock to him, it's like if you have no friends, no-one is interested but when you have even just the one, things change and people seek you out. It's tough!

Op isn’t over invested.
she has a quiet sensitive boy who doesn’t make friends easily - I have one too. He doesn’t have the confidence of most kids his age and has quite niche interests and I could have written Op’s post myself. He’s also not sporty which really doesn’t help. Unless you have a child like this it’s impossible to understand. I feel your pain Op it’s difficult. I also have 2 super sociable boys (older and younger) and a daughter. All I can say for comfort is that my daughter was also like this and struggled - she is now 21 and having a great time at Uni, she has a small kooky group of really good friends and a lovely boyfriend. They do find their way but this stage is painful. Have you considered Scouts?

I agree with others on the board. Encourage DS to take up interests outside the school and maybe in the school depending on what clubs they have. DS will make friends with others and this will help with the loss of his "friends". I also agree that you should suggest that his "friends" are doing things that may not interest him. I agree, there is nothing worse than your friends dumping on you and disowning you. It happened to my DS and he found other interests and friends.

All I can say for comfort is that my daughter was also like this and struggled - she is now 21 and having a great time at Uni, she has a small kooky group of really good friends and a lovely boyfriend. They do find their way but this stage is painful. Have you considered Scouts?

Thank you, this is uplifting to read. Lovely that your dd has found a nice group of friends.