To tell DS 15 that his mates have dumped him

[TheColourofspring]

My DS15 is a quiet shy boy. He belongs to a gang of mates from primary and has been particularly close to one of the boys. Except I think they have dumped him. He’s texted his best mate 4 times in the last couple weeks to do stuff and there is always an excuse not to see him. They have also created a new WhatsApp group that he’s not in (he knows this as they went bowling last weekend & didn’t invite him but posted it on Instagram)

DS is very sensitive and quiet and not as emotionally mature as some of the boys who are now into parties etc. He thinks the best of people though generally and I don’t think has totally realised what has happened.

I feel so awful for DS- I couldn’t sleep last night with the worry and upset - he isn’t get confident anyway and I think it’s totally wrecked his confidence even more.

The only blessing is that most of the boys are at a different school so am hoping he can focus on new friends in his school. It will still be devastating for him though.

Any advice? Should I gently suggest that they might have moved on?

YABU, he's probably hurt and embarrassed he doesn't need you to rub it in.
You need to encourage him to make other friends at the school he's at.
I think at that age different schools is bound to fracture friendships, so much chat is about what's happening in what class, whos got what teacher's that it's bound to cause friends to drift.

I wouldn't. At 15 he can manage his own friendships. I think you're being overly protective - he will work this stuff out for himself.

Don’t say his mates have dumped him.
Do organise him something (birthday soon??) really cool to do with mates from school. Karting? Dirt bikes? Something equally as cool as bowing preferably more cool/instagrammable. Can he get into a new club/sport aswell? Something with a team. I wouldn’t mention the old mates but I’d be facilitating new ones as much as poss with added confidence boosts. Good luck xxxx

This has just happened to my DD (year 8) - another girl joined the friendship group, so my DD has been dropped. But for me, I'm really not overly invested in the friendships and break ups of teenagers. It happens all the time and was the same with my older daughter. I also think it's actually a good thing to be dumped by friends at some point during childhood, because it's good preparation for the much worse scenario of being dumped by a lover, which will almost certainly happen to them at some point. Both my DDs know that the feelings of rejection and loneliness don't last, other (better) friends come along and it's just one of those unpleasant life changes that has to be suffered. It's a life lesson for your son, let him learn it.

I think some young people still need relationship guidance at this age? Especially if they’re on the emotionally immature side.

I really wouldn't tell him that they've dumped him or anything so definitive and negative, more that they must be very busy and it's good to have other friends too.

My DS was friends with the same group in primary and is very quiet and not great at initiating social interactions or making small talk. I presumed his old friends had dropped him a couple of years ago but actually they've all been back in touch, just more sporadically than before and he is deeply involved with his hobbies and it's enough for him to socialise just once or twice a month. I'd said to him that they were probably busy with their new school and sometimes friendships change over time but as it turns out it's just ebbed and flowed in our case.

@Showdogworkingdog I am
exactly st the same point with the mums. We were really good friends and socialise a lot, but the more I reflect the more annoyed I am by them not intervening and making sure my DS (who was brill mates with their sons), didn’t simply get dropped.

We normally go on hols together with 2 of the families, but this year I said we were doing something else - that DS had made the call not to go.

One couple took a complete hump.

So ok to dump my son, but you still expect us to all be brill pals on hols?

I think it's important to take your cues from the teenagers rather than barrelling in to solve a problem they may not be ready to talk about. Navigating social groups as a teenager is hellish! At a similar age my best friend abruptly pulled away from me. Nothing actively mean or bitchy but for whatever reason she'd had enough of my company. I still don't know why. It's also possible I might have unknowingly done the same to others. I think most teenagers process that stuff by themselves, it didn't occur to me to talk to my parents about it.

Always worth talking in general terms about how teenage social groups don't necessarily last though. Maybe bring up your own experiences, if there are childhood friends you grew apart from. And as PP have said bring some positive energy about how he can find his new tribe of friends.

@Whatevs99 your DS needs to enjoy his holiday and being around them will scupper that. I get that they grow apart and are into different things but what really pissed me off was the meanness and how that was affecting my DS’s confidence- things like telling him he was boring every time he spoke or dumping his clothes in the showers when they were doing PE to humiliate him, that sort of crap, I didn’t want him to feel like he had to tolerate that. You’re doing what will help him move on.

In some situations yes. In this case, I would leave it.

Young people develop resilience by dealing with certain situations on their own and he will come to the realisation himself. It's very common for parents to think children can't cope with things that they actually can.

It's a tricky balance, but sometimes you do have to leave teens to it. He won't develop emotional maturity or the resources to handle things himself if mum keeps stepping in.

If he seemed particularly upset then of course I'd give him a hug and gently suggest he focus on his new friends and invite them round or something. But I wouldn't be having a big conversation with him about how people move on, friendships don't last forever etc - he needs to work that out for himself. It's through experience that we grow.

He’s very sensitive and you want to tell him they’ve dumped him? Do you actually know? I had a family member that used to crow that nobody liked my also sensitive and sweet sibling and she came across as a bitter bitch who liked to feel superior. Actually, sibling was still in contact with the people who supposedly didn’t like her and still sees them to this day. You are supposed to support him, not humiliate him. Let him live his own life, be kind and make him feel good not bad.

This is like my almost 15yr old boy he is autistic so isn't as mature as peers. He does have 5 friends though that seem consistent from being in yr7. They never do anything outside school together except for the first time in his life he's been asked to go to a sleepover tonight. It's honestly the first time from being 6yrs old that he's gone to a friends house. Don't tell them they've dropped him, drop hints like friend is busy do you want to do this instead. They will eventually stop asking. My sons so called best friend from 3yrs to 8yrs old was an horrendous friend and nothing I said would get it into his head he wasn't a good friend. Not until friend stabbed him in the eye with a pencil and he finally retaliated did anything happen. The parents came round going mad that my son scratched his back. I'm like well he was stabbed in the eye and he retaliated don't ever let him near him again. It mustve been over a million incidents along these lines of the friend being nasty to him. Finally I listed everything a friend is supposed to be and said that is what you do but is that what your best friend truly is. He said no and that was that. Try get him interested in outside things. My son goes to kickboxing, explorers (scouts) and plays football. He hasn't alot of spare time to think about never going to a friends house and though he knows he is different because he used to ask why do I always annoy people. (Over enthusiastic and doesn't really know how to join in any imaginative games)

Apologies OP I phrased that really badly- you clearly care very much for him. What I meant was that when kids are sensitive, even the most well meaning conversation can be hurtful and make them feel even more rejected. Which will lead to them never giving you personal info. A good way to deal with it is to show them that you like and value them and let the friendships sort themselves out.

You are completely normal and my heart goes out to you and your son. I don't think you are over invested, I think you are noticing and feeling! As my children have got older I have looked back and thought that maybe I could have acknowledged what was going on and responded rather than reacted (I do a lot of reacting and its not always shown me the best way to help). This sort of issue happens a lot at this age especially when they go off to different schools or develop other interests/meet other people. Some kids develop into cliquey @@@'s a bit like some of their parents too. Your son sounds lovely and I got a big knot remembering what this feels like. I dont have any great words of wisdom on it but would say that only respond to what he says - dont pre empt. Let him find his own words to describe whats happening if he says anything at all - and guide him towards clubs and interests in his current school or locality that he would be genuinely interested in if you can. Mine at that age had their own online art galleries and met lots of people online. I didnt consider these people as friends as I was very wary of the internet (rightly) but they are still friends 15 years later with shared interests and some have met up as adults - so I was wrong on that score!

That behaviour is just blatant bullying and should be reported. A long way past just changing friendship groups. Sorry your DS has had to deal with this

If it’s any help at all DS was very much like this at school. He was very shy and emotionally immature for a long time, very much preferring his own company. He is now 21 and it’s probably only in the last year that he’s come out of his shell and gained some confidence.

He went off to Uni last September and I admit to being quite concerned about how he’d cope. Since then he’s got himself a small friendship group, found a job and even joined a band and gets up on stage to play. Something I thought he’d never have the confidence to do.

All he needs is one pal. Is there anyone you know that you could engineer things a bit, will he be getting a job this summer, that might help with confidence etc?

Dd was exactly the same. Got dumped by her (bitchy and mean) friendship group just before the end of yr11. Best thing that could've happened to her tbh. She found a new friendship group at college and is always out at gigs and record shopping and parties with them. They are a great bunch of kids and are fun and supportive. I know it's difficult not to be upset and worried, but he will find his lane.

@TheColourofspring I feel so sad for you both. This was my ds2 when young. He's an adult now and is much more confident. Speaks to people whoever they are. He still has a little bit of shyness. He's a beautiful soul as I imagine your ds is too. Does your ds go to any clubs outside of school?

Yes dd2 was turned on and attacked and pushed out by her “friendship” group in year 8. She walked away massively upgraded and is now the most popular girl in school. Whilst they…are not

I'd maybe talk about it in a more general way. In any case I think it's harder to keep a friendship group going when they're at different schools. Drifting is a normal part of life.

Maybe if you mention it in the general he might want to open up but if he doesn't you've not been to probing if that makes sense.

DS is very sensitive and quiet and not as emotionally mature as some of the boys who are now into parties etc

Dumping your mates because their not as cool as you or whatever doesn’t sound particularly emotionally mature to me 🤣. Is it more that the have different interests now?

Has his picked up on any issue himself? Is he upset? If not then not much point in telling him you don’t think his friends like him anymore.

encourage him to make other friendships as possible suggested.

*previous posters suggested

@TheColourofspring I hope this doesn't offend, but have you ever considered autism? My 15yo DD always struggled with friendships, small talk, hates large groups, emotionally immature and a few months ago it was suggested to me she might be autistic. All of a sudden, all her little quirks made sense and we're in the middle of an assessment now.

It may be that he is just shy and introverted or has social communication disorder, but there could also be more to it.

Please don't tell him his old mates have dumped him, instead help him find a new group either at school or through his interests.

This is very good advice.