To ask if this is normal or ok for how a household should run?

[Lovethecountrysidewalks]

I’m 18. Mum works as long haul cabin crew. I have 2 twin sisters aged 9. So obviously mum is away a lot. So while she’s away I look after my sisters (I haven’t always done this but since she broke up with dad. We don’t see dad as he moved to Spain). I don’t mind looking after them while she’s away most of the time however sometimes it’s not ideal but it’s ok. I mean I can’t judge her anyway (I don’t judge her but just explaining why I couldn’t) as I want to be crew like her when I finish college. But it’s days like today that make me question if this set up is normal or ok. I was supposed to be in college from 9am to 4pm today but got a call from my sisters school (I’m on file as well as mum so not unusual for them to call/contact me when mum is away) saying they are ill and could I pick them up (they would have normally gone to after school club/ wraparound care until I finish college) at around 1pm asking if I could pick them up as they are ill, so I spoke to my college and they agreed (they obviously already know the circumstances) so I went and picked them up (I have a car so it was fairly quick to get there) and now I’ve been at home with them since. I’ve emailed the teachers i should have had this afternoon for the work so I can still do it, one of them sent an argumentative reply about needing me in his lesson and the other sent the work over. I will do the work when they are in bed. Think I’m just a tiny bit overwhelmed today, I’m ok though and perfectly fine to look after my sisters. Mum is very involved on the days she is here.

YANBU - this isn’t normal or ok

YABU - this is ok

If it changes anything. Mum only broke up with dad less than a year ago.

Your mother needs to sort child care or change job. You are not their parent and far too young to have your life hampered by this sort of parenting requirement. I’m really sorry you’re in this position .

I think your mother needs to get a job that doesn’t involve travel. I dont think its fair on you to have to shoulder the parental responsibility while she is working abroad.

No. This is not ok at all. How often do you have sole responsibility for your siblings? I understand your mum is in a tough spot but you are her child not her co-parent. I wouldn’t dream of putting this kind of responsibility on my older child. You need to be able to focus on getting your own life established, not supporting her career to your detriment.

Occasional pick ups, fine. Pitching in with housework and cooking, fine. Even occasional overnight shifts at the weekend, just about ok. Sole responsibility during the school week, not ok at all.

It does sound like an exceptional circumstance. But one that could have happened anytime in the school year. You’re her child too (sorry, but you are!) and not her partner. You’re not a parent and it’s unfair to give you parental responsibilities.

This is not ok, and I say this as a mum of two DC’s at university and a younger DC. I am really sorry this responsibility has been placed on you.

You are still in education, this must be your priority. Your mum needs to look at alternative childcare or a career change.

The teacher was a prick.

At times like this families pull together. Your mum probably hasnt had much time to get herself together but I think if she thinks you're old enough to look after your siblings then you are old enough to have an adult conversation about how suitable her role is with her childcare responsibilities and having an alternative option.

It's unfair on you but how often it is happening and how you feel is the big factor. I'd say you've bridged a gap and you can reasonably expect her to discuss how long she sees the arrangement going on for. Until secondary school? Are you ok with that? What happens when you arent in and they want to go out and push boundaries? She needs to really think about a job change.

You shouldnt be impacting your education to parent your sisters

You mum needs to have alternative solutions in place

I imagine your mum is going for this option because it wont impact her career. Instead it could impact yours. Thats not fair.

Next time the school calls you don't answer, let them call your mum instead so she can make other arrangments. Tell her youve been told you have to have your phone on silent in class so cant be contacted any more.

If you had a child yourself you would be able to make decisions about childcare to ensure they didnt impact your education. You can't do the parenting and not be able to do the decision making.

No, it is not normal for an 18-year-old in full-time education to have to look after two 9-year-olds because both parents are absent, and lose out on her own education and life chances as a result.

Have you and your mum discussed this at all? What are you planning to do after college? If you go away to study, or get a full-time job, you are not going to be able to look after your sisters too. It sounds like your mother needs to change jobs or get some other form of live-in childcare.

All of what the posters above have said.

As a one off it's not great but emergencies happen - my bigger concern is that you're hurting your college chances and spending your teen years as an unpaid sole charge nanny, while your mum and dad are overseas. It's deeply unfair to you and to your sisters.

Your parents need to sort out a way to spend more time with their kids themselves, or at least get proper paid childcare and support.

Oh, you absolute sweetheart! 💐 Well done for supporting your family - it’s a lot of responsibility on someone so young (and who didn’t choose to have kids yet!).

It sounds like you and your Mum have had a tough year. I’m not judging her but your Dad on the other hand seems to have handed his responsibility over to you and given you no choice in the matter.

In the short term I’d book an appointment with your HoY or whoever is in change of pastoral care and make a strategy for dealing with this kind of situation. All of your teachers need to be aware that you are in a caring role for younger siblings and that your absence isn’t the same as bunking off to the shops!

In the medium & longer term, a plan needs to be made - how can your studies be supported and if you pursue the cabin crew path (which you should totally be allowed to) or do anything that requires studying away from home, then how will things be arranged to cover childcare?

Oh hun. I don’t want to say that it’s not OK but it’s not ideal of course.
You sound like a great sister and a great daughter.
Perhaps when mum is home have a talk with her about how you are feeling overwhelmed at times, especially around college and making sure you can attend lessons and get your work done.

It is quite normal for older siblings to pick up caring for younger siblings, but it doesn’t mean it’s fine for you or is always OK.

Hopefully your mum will be open to a conversation about how this can be worked out, in 2 years you may be heading into employment which of course won’t be conducive to this set up as you’ll be away too.

This isn't ok at all. Some PP have really minimised this actually - it's seriously not ok. How long are the stretches where you're effectively a lone parent to two nine year olds?

OP, you're doing so well juggling all this, but it's not right at all.

Sorry if I wasn’t clear, it’s not quite sole responsibility, mums sister occasionally helps out as well and the school have her details too but she wasn’t answering her phone today (she can’t have her phone on her at work). I will read the replies and reply properly later when I get a minute. Also, I’m not in college 9am until 4pm every, most days I’m not quite in all day but I was today.

the college know I have a caring role for siblings.

YANBU. - childcare is not your responsibility.
What is your mum's plan when you leave college and get a job ?

I could understand a couple of weeks after your Dad left but not still going on after a year.

Honestly, there's no one way to run a household. You're 18, a legal adult, so if you're happy to be responsible for your sisters while your mum is away that's fine. The key point being if YOU are happy with it. If you're not then you need to talk to your mum about finding another arrangement. As for college, your teacher's being ridiculous, there are so many reasons why a student could miss a lesson. Email again and say you've had an unavoidable family emergency and you'd like any work to be sent over by the end of the day. If they still refuse then go to their boss (can't remember who that would be, it's been a long time since I was at college!).

Careful you don't end up curtailing opportunities to provide childcare. What happens if you want to move out and live in a different town/city once you've finished college?

Your mother needs to arrange an emergency contact asap. This is impinging on your life and your future more than it should. It's very kind of you to care for your siblings but it isn't your job. You need to have a chat with her.

Completely ok for you to look after your sisters if it's what you want to do and it DOES NOT interfere with college.

Sorry your dad is not around. Perhaps he could pay for childcare and or emergency childcare

It's a lot to ask of an 18 year old when they are not your own children

Hope your sisters are OK. I agree that you shouldn't be leaving lessons and missing your education if their school calls. Are there any grandparents, Aunties/Uncles or other friends or relatives on the scene who could help?

I'd expect that schools have contingency plans for when they can't get hold of parents/other contacts, after all, what if they are in jobs where they aren't contactable while at work (like air crew, also many emergency service workers, prison staff etc?).

Unless the situation is very serious, it is not an emergency that would require a surgeon to stop working for example. Therefore I'd be tempted to not rush to the school for minor illnesses. I suppose when they go to high school, they'll be able to sent home in a taxi if neither you or your DM is available to collect them. But in the meantime, you, your DM and their school needs an alternative plan. Can your DM switch to a job at the airport until your sisters are older? Although I appreciate that she probably gets extra allowances for flying that she'd lose if she changed jobs so it might not be possible.

This would be ok if it was like one day every three months your mum has to work away from home and you are 18 with a car.

But BOTH your parents have dumped their kids on you. It is not ok.

Look up parentification.

Not ok , you shouldn't be rearranging your life for siblings that are not your responsibility

Oh for goodness sake.

OP's FATHER needed to have remained a committed co-parent & not fucked off to Spain.

OP's mum is still providing for her children, still inb their lives as much as the constraints of her job allow. it's hard th stomach the kind of internalised misogyny that blames a woman for staying, & exonerates a father for abandoning them.

The childcare is not your responsibility. Your Mum needs to make alternative arrangements so that your college is undisturbed.

What is her arrangement with her sister? It should be another “full adult” (as in not young adult and not the kids sibling - not belittling you as an 18 yo adult, but trying to describe why this isn’t fair on you m) who is the first line of defence in these scenarios. Also, your mum should be available when not actively on duty and making arrangements for the following day so that you can be at college- it’s not your job to scrabble round whilst she’s able to be out of the loop.

This might involve her having to pay someone.

Both your parents are behaving disgustingly and should look after their own children. Poor you.