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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask if this is normal or ok for how a household should run?

123 replies

Lovethecountrysidewalks · 26/04/2023 15:20

I’m 18. Mum works as long haul cabin crew. I have 2 twin sisters aged 9. So obviously mum is away a lot. So while she’s away I look after my sisters (I haven’t always done this but since she broke up with dad. We don’t see dad as he moved to Spain). I don’t mind looking after them while she’s away most of the time however sometimes it’s not ideal but it’s ok. I mean I can’t judge her anyway (I don’t judge her but just explaining why I couldn’t) as I want to be crew like her when I finish college. But it’s days like today that make me question if this set up is normal or ok. I was supposed to be in college from 9am to 4pm today but got a call from my sisters school (I’m on file as well as mum so not unusual for them to call/contact me when mum is away) saying they are ill and could I pick them up (they would have normally gone to after school club/ wraparound care until I finish college) at around 1pm asking if I could pick them up as they are ill, so I spoke to my college and they agreed (they obviously already know the circumstances) so I went and picked them up (I have a car so it was fairly quick to get there) and now I’ve been at home with them since. I’ve emailed the teachers i should have had this afternoon for the work so I can still do it, one of them sent an argumentative reply about needing me in his lesson and the other sent the work over. I will do the work when they are in bed. Think I’m just a tiny bit overwhelmed today, I’m ok though and perfectly fine to look after my sisters. Mum is very involved on the days she is here.

YANBU - this isn’t normal or ok

YABU - this is ok

OP posts:
GertrudePerkinsPaperyThing · 26/04/2023 15:46

And obviously the father ought to be stepping up too but that doesn’t seem to be happening

BarbaraofSeville · 26/04/2023 15:46

SmallFerret · 26/04/2023 15:45

Oh for goodness sake.

OP's FATHER needed to have remained a committed co-parent & not fucked off to Spain.

OP's mum is still providing for her children, still inb their lives as much as the constraints of her job allow. it's hard th stomach the kind of internalised misogyny that blames a woman for staying, & exonerates a father for abandoning them.

Show quote history

Well that is true, but this is the situation they are in and it's unlikely he's going to come back and be an available and active father because MN thinks he should be.

Briallen · 26/04/2023 15:47

No it’s not okay. If I were you I would move away for uni asap or go travelling/ train as long term cabin crew/ work abroad whatever as this will be the role expected of you forever otherwise. Mum and dad will have to understand as they’ve both left to be abroad so it should now definitely be your turn. You’re not the parent of your twin siblings. They shouldn’t be your responsibility

NoSquirrels · 26/04/2023 15:47

Really, you did what you had to today, and as a one-off it’s OK, as long as your aunt is usually available as the adult in charge. But long-term this isn’t going to work, is it? What happens when you want to leave home, start a career etc? You can’t be responsible or be made to feel tied down by caring for your sisters. So your mum needs to rethink her career. She just doesn’t have the childcare support in place to make long-haul travel part of her day-to-day.

SmallFerret · 26/04/2023 15:47

YANBU - this isn’t normal or ok

YABU - this is ok

I'm not voting OP, as while your situation isn't ideal, it's common enough.

Your mum's job prevents her from being 100% there for the younger DC. But she had a right to expect that your dad would at least remain local while they grew up, & commit to filling in some childcare gaps.

drspouse · 26/04/2023 15:48

Are you just about to do A levels and go away to university or start working as cabin crew yourself?
If so, I would see if you can get your mum to take some annual leave till your exams are finished (obviously they can't be disrupted due to illness!).

That would be a temporary solution for the next few weeks and then she can find a longer term solution (which would have to be the twins going to e.g. your aunt's house to stay over while your mum is away with work, or your mum finding another job, as you won't be around to stay at the house with the twins).

To those saying "school should ring mum" that's not very helpful if mum is in the air!

Lcb123 · 26/04/2023 15:48

This cannot be the set up on a regular basis. She needs to find alternative proper child care or change jobs. It's not fair on your own education.

validnumber · 26/04/2023 15:48

You sound lovely and your family are lucky to have you.

Loads of people saying 'your mum'!
Your dad has just left so he needs to step up too!
It's equal responsibility.

SmallFerret · 26/04/2023 15:49

Mrsbclinton · 26/04/2023 15:29

I think your mother needs to get a job that doesn’t involve travel. I dont think its fair on you to have to shoulder the parental responsibility while she is working abroad.

Oh the irony. You know OP's dad has chosen to LIVE abroad, right?

What caused HIS parental responsibility to escape your notice?

PuttingDownRoots · 26/04/2023 15:49

Your parents need to come up with an emergency plan. What if you were in an exam for example.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/04/2023 15:50

Your mum needs to sit with her rota and plan out who she can ask/pay to step in for childcare during her work. With any college hours of yours protected from that.

It's shit that she is screwed over by her kids having an absent father but thats not for you to fix.

NoSquirrels · 26/04/2023 15:53

Have you and your mum discussed what happens next year, or after that, when you have finished college?

Ylvamoon · 26/04/2023 15:53

While I agree it's not your responsibility, the question is: What's the alternative?

Ovetnight Childcare is expensive, if available at all.
Change jobs? Could mean a pay cut....

HairyKitty · 26/04/2023 15:53

It’s not an ordinary set up but there’s nothing wrong with it if it’s what it takes for your family to muddle along and you can still receive your education.
However there has to be arrangements and a budget for emergency childcare to include unexpectedly picking younger sibs up

Findyourneutralspace · 26/04/2023 15:54

No, this isn't fair. AS PP said, what happens when you decide you want to leave home, or take the cabin crew job you dream of? Who looks after the little ones then?

I'm sorry you've been put in this situation. You sound really mature and capable but its no wonder you are feeling overwhelmed.

tattygrl · 26/04/2023 15:54

It's not only the logistical and organisational issues here, such as having to collect from school early or do pick ups, but two nine year olds being fully dependent on their older teenage sister while neither parent is even in the country. What if a proper emergency happened? OP at 18yrs old has to be the one present and in charge? It's so, so unfair and irresponsible. Don't the 9 year olds deserve an actual parent with them as well? I read OP's update about the aunt occasionally helping out but that still leaves OP as the de facto parent.

OP, I'm sorry that I'm probably coming off as harsh against your mum. I know you don't want to slate her and you're not judging her. That's understandable; however, I don't think this set up is really ok for you or your younger siblings. How long are you left caring for them?

RaininSummer · 26/04/2023 15:55

Difficult situation and not very normal. What would happen if you were having exams when mum was away for work? I don't think this can be a long term plan for your mum's work.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 26/04/2023 15:56

Ylvamoon · 26/04/2023 15:53

While I agree it's not your responsibility, the question is: What's the alternative?

Ovetnight Childcare is expensive, if available at all.
Change jobs? Could mean a pay cut....

Doesn't sound like the Mum needs overnights- the OP isn't going to college overnight.

CaptainClover · 26/04/2023 15:57

I have a friend who works as cabin crew, is a single parent (no dad around) and a has 2 kids, the elder is a young student adult, the younger is still primary school age.
She does a lot with her sibling but overall responsibility, when their mum's away flying, is with grandparents.
My friend isn't contactable all the time and I don't think she would continue working away if her mum and dad weren't willing and able to have younger grandchild a lot.

OnMyWayToSenility · 26/04/2023 15:58

Can I just say what an amazing daughter you are! I have an18 year old and he can barely look after himself!

You have taken on a lot and if it's starts effecting your education you need to have a frank talk with both of your parents! I don't think it's fair the amount you do , but you're doing a good thing xx

Weallgottachangesometime · 26/04/2023 15:58

I don’t think it’s fair on your to effectively take on a parental role. However in reality I assume there may be little other option. If your parents can afford additional childcare (eg a nanny or evening carer) then they should look into options. However if your family are living hand to mouth and your mums income is needed to pay the basic bills then I think you’re just doing what is needed for your family to survive. It’s less than ideal but families struggling financially can’t afford the same standards as more wealthy people.

the person I would be annoyed with is your father. Why did he move abroad when he had young children he should be helping to care for. It is his slack you are being forced to pick up.

donyou have someone pastoral at your school you can speak to or ask to speak to the tutor who had been harsh with you. College should help support you, as they would/should anyone else who is young with caring responsibilities.

OopsAnotherOne · 26/04/2023 15:58

Nope, not normal. You shouldn't be raising your DM's children, nor should any help you give her detrimentally impact your studies.

Your DM needs to either find another job which allows her to be there to parent her children, or she needs to pay for suitable childcare.

You are 18, you are still a student, you have not had children of your own and you should not be burdened with the responsibility of being the sole guardian for someone else's children, even if they are your siblings. Your DM is using you as free full-time childcare to the point it is impacting your own education and future - you should speak to her and let her know that as your studies are now suffering as a result of having to care for your siblings while she's away, you'll need her to make childcare arrangements moving forward.

Clarinet1 · 26/04/2023 15:58

You sound as if you’re a great daughter and sister and a great role model to your little sisters. However, you do need to think of your own future and not limit your options by taking too much time caring for the twins.
If you are 18 and at college does your course finish this summer? What are you thinking of doing after that? Obviously families need to pull together when they have to but your Mum can’t expect you to be on hand for ever.
One thing you could possibly do is arrange a meeting with your Mum and the twins’ school to discuss how you handle this kind of situation in future - for instance is there somewhere like the office where an ill twin could sit quietly until you could get there? Do they have a friend whose Mum is a SAHM who could have them if all else failed? You don’t mention grandparents - could they help?
One other thing is that there are young carers’ organisations - I’ve heard of them mainly for young people who are supporting disabled parents but I wonder whether they might be able to provide you with some ideas.
Also, at college perhaps discuss the issue with either the college counsellor or your personal tutor, particularly about the teacher who was unsympathetic when you said you couldn’t be there today.

Comedycook · 26/04/2023 16:00

It's not a job well suited to a single parent. The father is disgusting. Op...if this was me, I'd be looking to leave home asap and leave them to it otherwise you'll be stuck as an unpaid skivvy. Your parents are vile and I suggest you remember this when they're old and need help.

Oldnproud · 26/04/2023 16:01

I'm so sorry you are in this position, OP. Of course it's not how things should be.

I know it's nor helpful at all, but I am absolutely fuming at your dad for abdicating all responsibility for parenting/ caring for the twins, and totally disregarding the impact of that on your mum, your sisters and most especially you!