To ask if this is normal or ok for how a household should run?

[Lovethecountrysidewalks]

I’m 18. Mum works as long haul cabin crew. I have 2 twin sisters aged 9. So obviously mum is away a lot. So while she’s away I look after my sisters (I haven’t always done this but since she broke up with dad. We don’t see dad as he moved to Spain). I don’t mind looking after them while she’s away most of the time however sometimes it’s not ideal but it’s ok. I mean I can’t judge her anyway (I don’t judge her but just explaining why I couldn’t) as I want to be crew like her when I finish college. But it’s days like today that make me question if this set up is normal or ok. I was supposed to be in college from 9am to 4pm today but got a call from my sisters school (I’m on file as well as mum so not unusual for them to call/contact me when mum is away) saying they are ill and could I pick them up (they would have normally gone to after school club/ wraparound care until I finish college) at around 1pm asking if I could pick them up as they are ill, so I spoke to my college and they agreed (they obviously already know the circumstances) so I went and picked them up (I have a car so it was fairly quick to get there) and now I’ve been at home with them since. I’ve emailed the teachers i should have had this afternoon for the work so I can still do it, one of them sent an argumentative reply about needing me in his lesson and the other sent the work over. I will do the work when they are in bed. Think I’m just a tiny bit overwhelmed today, I’m ok though and perfectly fine to look after my sisters. Mum is very involved on the days she is here.

YANBU - this isn’t normal or ok

YABU - this is ok

It was a supply teacher/tutor today so the first time it rang he didn’t know why I needed to take it and it’s hard to explain in front of everyone. When it rang the second time I just said it was urgent and i needed to take it.

I don't think people should be shaming your mum - it sounds like she is trying hard to provide for you all. Shame on your dad, though.

Can you talk to her about how difficult this is for you? It's brilliant that you are stepping up for your sisters but it doesn't sound sustainable for the long-term.

I will try and talk to her when she’s back but I’m not too sure what to say.

I will try and talk to her when she’s back but I’m not too sure what to say.

I think I would explain to her what happened today and that it upset you a bit, then say something like ‘Mum, it made me think about what will happen once I’m not at college anymore and I get a job. I won’t be able to be on call then, and I won’t necessarily be around after school or overnight if I get a cabin crew job too.’

Then let her talk.

She knows they we’re ill today and I had to pick them up as I messaged her on WhatsApp to let her know.

Speaking as a teacher myself, you shouldn’t really be taking calls during lessons

You shouldn't have your phone on your during class in the same way your aunt can't have her phone on her at work

going to do some of the work from the tutor who sent it over now. I can’t do the work for the other as he’s not sent it over.

This

You said your mum can't afford paid childcare.

Honestly 1. She then needs to go after the father of the children for child maintenance. If he is in a western country he can't dodge.

36 years seniority I'd be very surprised if she really 'can't afford it'.

Maybe it means no holidays, maybe it means moving to a more affordable place.

You can't make yourself the parent of these children, and hold yourself back from living your life and stay at home for 8 more years raising them.

Sorry, I meant she probably couldn’t afford a nanny or au pair not no childcare in general, so sorry if I wasn’t clear

Also I can see why the teacher wanted you in his lesson, you can’t learn if you are not in his lesson. Again, I speak as a teacher myself

Yep it's OP's dad that has vacated the country and quit HIS job as parent.

It is ok to help your mum hold things together - but a longer term plan needs to recognise that raising your sisters is not your job.

There wasn’t much I could do honestly. I’m happy to do the work though and I did ask him for it

Not fair at all. Your mum needs to get another job or arrange child care. Not right you are missing college to be a baby sitter.

Hi, OP -

You sound fantastic, but this is too much. Your life is ahead of you! No matter how much you love your mum and the twins, now and the next 5 - 10 years are your time to be growing into your best self as your body and mind finish maturing.

Is there a teacher or staff member at college you could turn to for support with this? Or the parent of a friend? People will understand that your mum is in a very tough spot. You don’t need to worry that they will be overly critical of her. But like us, they will be on your side for sure.

Well...it's not ok but I think it's really common for older siblings to parent their younger ones. My MIL always says her son had 'two extra parents' and is completely clueless about it. My husband is 12 years older than his brother and didn't mind at the time but didn't do any of the kids any good to be treated like that. I'd make college aware that you have some temporary caring responsibilities and look out for yourself

College already know about it

I’m not sure why that matters? It’s not the fault of the college that you are in this situation OP

Don’t blame your mother. It’s your father who’s let you all down and forced you and your mother to improvise like this.

How often is your mum actually away overnight? And for how long?

Finally just got to bed now. I should be in college tomorrow (some of my tutors are not striking but one is on strike) and my sisters teacher is not striking so it’ll depend on if they are too ill for school again after being ill today. If they are, I’ll have to look after them again and email my tutors for the work again

It depends on her roster and where she’s gone. It varies unfortunately

Your DM needs to change job or employ a childminder. You’re presumably doing A Levels which you shouldn’t be missing.

Too many older siblings and young caters are put in this frankly exploitative position, damaging your educational chances and future. Your Mum needs to parent you all equally and sort out backup childcare.

I’m sorry your Dad left you all; he’s at fault here too. I’m sure it’s been an impossible time for your Mum, but she’s not being fair to you. I hope things work out ok.

*carers