To ask if this is normal or ok for how a household should run?

[Lovethecountrysidewalks]

I’m 18. Mum works as long haul cabin crew. I have 2 twin sisters aged 9. So obviously mum is away a lot. So while she’s away I look after my sisters (I haven’t always done this but since she broke up with dad. We don’t see dad as he moved to Spain). I don’t mind looking after them while she’s away most of the time however sometimes it’s not ideal but it’s ok. I mean I can’t judge her anyway (I don’t judge her but just explaining why I couldn’t) as I want to be crew like her when I finish college. But it’s days like today that make me question if this set up is normal or ok. I was supposed to be in college from 9am to 4pm today but got a call from my sisters school (I’m on file as well as mum so not unusual for them to call/contact me when mum is away) saying they are ill and could I pick them up (they would have normally gone to after school club/ wraparound care until I finish college) at around 1pm asking if I could pick them up as they are ill, so I spoke to my college and they agreed (they obviously already know the circumstances) so I went and picked them up (I have a car so it was fairly quick to get there) and now I’ve been at home with them since. I’ve emailed the teachers i should have had this afternoon for the work so I can still do it, one of them sent an argumentative reply about needing me in his lesson and the other sent the work over. I will do the work when they are in bed. Think I’m just a tiny bit overwhelmed today, I’m ok though and perfectly fine to look after my sisters. Mum is very involved on the days she is here.

YANBU - this isn’t normal or ok

YABU - this is ok

Yes, it’s A Levels that I’m doing.

You're as important as your siblings. Your education is as important as theirs. Ask a one off, it's fine, but you are being expected to be a surrogate parent when your mum is away. This final year of A-levels is obviously vital to your grades and your future. You need to be concentrating on your studies, not childcare for poorly siblings. Don't answer your phone when you have lessons. Your priority is your education, like your aunt's is her work and so she didn't answer her phone.

They will be going to school today (their teacher is not striking) as they are well enough to go today and not as ill as yesterday. Hopefully they don’t call me to pick them up again though.

Why do you allow this to happen? Your mother is walking all over you and just dumping her kids on you. Get a backbone OP and stick up for yourself

You'd be surprised what people can afford when they no longer have a free option.

Bloody hell, can you back off? This is an 18 year old who is doing an amazing zob at supporting her mum through a difficult time. Where is your compassion? Where is your anger for the dad who pissed off to Spain?

I guess 'as a teacher' you would be pissed off if a kid in your class was puking up and there was no one to collect them? She obviously has a compassionate college who recognise her role as a young carer and allow her to answer the phone in these cases, as thry should.

It sucks that OP has to deal with this but It is her parents, primarily her dad, who deserve your shitty attitude.

Today was better, they were in school all day. Feeling less overwhelmed today

You still haven’t answered why you let your mum do this! You need to get a backbone, stick up for yourself and not let your mother walk all over you and dump her children on you!

Really? You can't work it out for yourself?

Why do YOU think an 18 year old with no resources other than her mother, her mother's roof, & her mother's salary, would "let" her mum do this?

Both OP & her mother are in an invidious position.
You may as well bark at OP "why did you LET your dad move to Spain & pay no child maintenance?"

Funnily enough though, you haven't mentioned her dad's abandonment of his 2 children & young adult child.

Good to hear you're doing better today OP

Have you considered talking to somebody in the pastoral team at college about your situation? They can't solve the entire problem for you, but I am sure they would find a way to allow you leeway - AND communicate to all tutors that when you get called home for emergency childcare, it is genuine, & you are to be supported when it happens.

You need to get a backbone, stick up for yourself and not let your mother walk all over you and dump her children on you!

FFS the hyperbole. What do you propose OP does - abandon her sisters like her dad did? Refuse to step up for them?

You call that backbone?
From the quality & content of her posts, she's already got more backbone in her little finger than most people will accrue in a lifetime.

OP - you will get through this.
Talk to pastoral, TALK TO YOUR MUM, & get creative with mum about how you can find solutions together that maximise her work potential without compromising your studies.
And don;t let it drag on for years. You have a life to lead - you need to be having fun, moving out, starting your own career.

Reiterating that your parents CAN afford to pay for childcare.

Sorry for late reply, I was having a good day but I’m struggling a little now but I will be ok because I always am. Pastoral at college already know about my situation. That teacher from yesterday still didn’t give me the work today.

You shouldn't be in this situation though. Dad aside (prick), your mum should be doing whatever she'd have done if you were 14 and not 18.

It's not just being in the house with them overnight. It's the weight of the responsibility of when to call 111/999 if one is ill, or one has really badly misbehaved at school or something, for days at a time.

How do I try and speak to mum when she is back? I’m not sure how to do it?

This is a great question, OP. It’s really hard. My situation at your age was similar, but not as bad. I still feel guilty about getting out of the house age 20, even though I know that’s silly.

If there is a teacher or member of pastoral staff that you specially get along with, could you ask them to set up a meeting with you and your mum? Get them to lead the meeting? I feel very sure that people are on your side here. That doesn’t mean they will criticise or hurt your mum. They know that the best way to a good outcome for you is to be constructive and supportive with her

Is it worth suggesting to college a joint meeting with mum, me, college and my sisters school? Or is that a bad idea? Sorry.

This is a good Idea.

That way your mum won't be able to talk you round.

Do you have grandparents on your dad's side? Do they know he's abandoned his responsibilities?

Like I said, single people on a low wage manage to pay for expensive childcare for babies.

Your mum on a better wage will be able to pay for cheaper childcare for older children.

As I said above, it seems the best solution is to pay a SAHM to be on call. Or something like pay the cost of swimming lessons for a school friend so that the three of them go after school and the parent does morning drop off too. Something like that.

What would you be hoping college and your sister’s school would add to the conversation?

What I mean is, do you think your mum isn’t going to want to help you by talking about the future? Are you worried she’ll just make you feel guilty?

It seems like a good idea to have an adult there on OP's side who doesn't have a vested interest in her being the parents' childcare solution.

I agree it could be useful from a support POV - although I’m not sure the twins school is helpful - I was just more trying to get an idea of whether the OP thought her mum wouldn’t be sympathetic or would be difficult about the conversation. Because actually I don’t think we know that - we don’t know her mum wouldn’t actually be willing to say ‘I get it, I’ve put too much on you and I’m making a plan for next year when you’re not in college and around to help out.’

OP will know best if her mum is likely to be guilt-tripping her (in which case an unrelated adult around is helpful) or if she’s just not really been thinking straight and just dealing with the aftermath of becoming a single mum and hasn’t thought about the long-term but will want to solve it without putting restrictions on her DD.

The father AND mother have let their children down. Father's worse, but at 36 years seniority and manager level, their mother absolutely does have choices that don't involve this level of time away, or failing that, money to pay for care, or failing that, time to organise a rota with their aunt.

Op, you need and deserve support, I hope you can have this conversation with your mum. Think about what you would want for your daughter or your friend, would you find it ok?