To ask if this is normal or ok for how a household should run?

[Lovethecountrysidewalks]

I’m 18. Mum works as long haul cabin crew. I have 2 twin sisters aged 9. So obviously mum is away a lot. So while she’s away I look after my sisters (I haven’t always done this but since she broke up with dad. We don’t see dad as he moved to Spain). I don’t mind looking after them while she’s away most of the time however sometimes it’s not ideal but it’s ok. I mean I can’t judge her anyway (I don’t judge her but just explaining why I couldn’t) as I want to be crew like her when I finish college. But it’s days like today that make me question if this set up is normal or ok. I was supposed to be in college from 9am to 4pm today but got a call from my sisters school (I’m on file as well as mum so not unusual for them to call/contact me when mum is away) saying they are ill and could I pick them up (they would have normally gone to after school club/ wraparound care until I finish college) at around 1pm asking if I could pick them up as they are ill, so I spoke to my college and they agreed (they obviously already know the circumstances) so I went and picked them up (I have a car so it was fairly quick to get there) and now I’ve been at home with them since. I’ve emailed the teachers i should have had this afternoon for the work so I can still do it, one of them sent an argumentative reply about needing me in his lesson and the other sent the work over. I will do the work when they are in bed. Think I’m just a tiny bit overwhelmed today, I’m ok though and perfectly fine to look after my sisters. Mum is very involved on the days she is here.

YANBU - this isn’t normal or ok

YABU - this is ok

Sorry I’m not ignoring this I promise. I will read through the replies and reply properly when I get a chance later, just busy at the moment, so sorry if it comes across like I’m ignoring it.

Firstly, we’ll done you on stepping up!

it’s a horrible situation, you’ve been left by your dad to step up into his place.

you’ve not mentioned if your dad is still contributing to the household and if he’s not, I understand why your mum is still doing that job as at least she is providing for you all.
It could be that she’s going to look for a more land based job when you are ready to fly yourself

i do think you need to discuss this situation with your mum to see if there’s another person who could be called if one of your siblings is ill - and also, what would the school have done if you hadn’t answered the phone?

BTW, the teacher was being unreasonable and I would mention it to your course tutor.

Quite ok for you to provide occasional babysitting. Your mum needs to sort out proper childcare for this sort of thing though. Totally unacceptable that your college education is interrupted for her kids.

As a one off in an emergency I think it's OK for you to miss a couple of lessons however if this is a regular occurance it's not OK. It also depends what you are studying eg are there practical lessons or sessions where group discussion/presentations are needed?
Imalso wondering if you have exams coming up. If so you should ne free to revise without taking on someone elses responsibilities.
What's your long term plan? Will you be going to Uni or into training that takes you away from the family home?Does your mum expect you to be available for childcare during the school summer holidays? You need to start discussing this now. What does your auntie say about this?

This level of responsibility would be OK if it was a few times a year when there's a gap to cover with other arrangement, or possibly as a temporary measure, for a month or two to give your mum time to find another job. But this shouldn't be a permanent situation, it's to much to ask and as today shows, it is getting I the way of your studies.

What are the plans for when you finish college (possibly in a few months)? Will you be going away to study or getting a job of your own? Whatever you choose should not have to fit round childcare arrangements.

Your Mum needs to change jobs this really is not OK.

How often do days like today happen? Your aunt not being available today is unfortunate but unless it’s happening regularly then I would just put it down to a bad day.

The situation isn’t ideal but I guess your mum is trying her best. On the other hand you should be living your best life without such responsibilities.

You sound really lovely and you should be proud of yourself.

Does everyone here live in some fairytale world where the DM can easily change her job, get a new job, pay for childcare, find a sugar daddy?
What practical and realistic outcome are we looking for here then? For DM to stay at home on benefits? For younger sibs to go into foster care?
Circumstances are less than ideal for many, many families, it’s totally the norm for some older sibs to get the younger ones ready for school etc, not everyone can have that ideal (and very middle class) childhood.
At least in this case we have a DM who is reliable, has a job, and has certainly raised her DD to have such maturity of thought and deed at a relatively young age.
You are doing amazingly well OP. Can you brainstorm some ideas so that the situation interferes with your studies as little as possible? Are there other adults in your DMs life who could take some of the occasional responsibilities with you as a last resort?

What would the mother do if she didn't have an elder daughter?

What if OP decides to move out or simply does not want to look after younger siblings?
What if other family members don't wanto or can't have the twins, while mum is at work?

OP, to really weigh up the situation consider what your DM's reaction would be if you said to her something along the lines of "Mum, I've finished my A-Levels, I'm now going to take a self-funded gap year travelling around the world and then I'm going to go to University full-time to study for a degree!" This isn't an unusual thing to do as an 18 year old.

If she would say "wonderful, have fun! I'll look into childcare or start applying for new jobs" or would there be an issue with you leaving to do something like that because it would impact on her childcare plans for her two younger children? If it's the latter, it's evident she's become far too reliant on using you to essentially parent her children for her.

If caring for your siblings hinders your future plans or impacts your education, it's negatively impacting you for the benefit of your mother and your younger siblings. While your DF is disgraceful for dropping all of his responsibilities and leaving, many parents do this and the parent left with the children still manages to work and care for their children without relying on their older children to provide the majority of the childcare.

There is a huge difference between occasional babysitting and helping if/when you can (absolutely fine) and being relied on for long periods of time to be the guardian for two 9 year old children, to the detriment of your own future (not fine).

Sorry I’ve only just had time to read all the replies properly now, sorry. I’m normally ok with it all but guess I just feel a little bit overwhelmed today but I’ll be ok. I sent another email asking for the work to that teacher who originally replied saying he needed me in his lesson, he’s said he can’t provide the work until tomorrow now. Mum is back on Friday morning for the people who asked, she only left this morning, she’s doing one night in MCO and then back home. In terms of her changing jobs it’s hard as she’s become quite senior (flight service manager, as senior as cabin crew get within her airline) and has been there for years, she would also have to go back to being based at London if she left the job and then went back. She’s now based at Manchester and has been for years (she’s been at the airline for 36 years, based at Manchester since before I was born) and the waiting list to transfer from London to Manchester base is years long so she could end up commuting to London and back for years if she left the job and then tried to go back. I’ll be ok though, just a bit overwhelmed today. I do agree a discussion is needed about everything but I think we are all just doing the best we can. To be honest that tutor being a little bit rude (maybe more stern than rude to be fair) has upset me a little but I’ll be ok

If she's so senior after 36 years she can probably afford an au pair. If there's not a bedroom for the au pair (a) you can move to a bigger place. (b) she can pay for a 'daytime only' nanny. (C) sign them up to a childminder.

Or your dad can pay for it as he's doing fuck all else to be a parent, even if he is paying child maintenance.

Maybe a parent in the 9yo's class who is a SAHM would appreciate a few hundred pounds a year to agree to be 'on call' during school hours.

I’m not sure if we could afford an au pair but I could mention it to her. I’m not sure she could afford a fee hundred pounds an hour every day for another school mum to be on call unfortunately.

Sorry if I came across as rude, I’m just a little overwhelmed

Our dad doesn’t contribute to the household anymore and he lives in another country. I will mention to someone in college about the other tutor tomorrow.

The teacher was really unkind to send you an argumentative email in your situation. You sound like an amazing young lady, daughter and big sister.

What worries me op is that your siblings are only 9...they need a good few more years of care. What are your plans for after college? You don't want to be trapped at home because you're needed for childcare. You need to be able to live your own life without being tied down. They're not your children. It's not fair.

This x1000! Why is mum getting it in the neck and not dad?

Also the teacher is the one really being unreasonable here.

OP, I think you should speak to your mum and school about who else can go on the contact list so it doesn't always have to be you that collects your sisters in this situation. She needs to think about what will happen if/when you go to uni.

Ok so this does change it a bit. Are you now saying they tried her sister first and normally she’d do it if available?

No, they tried me but it went to voicemail (most tutors let me go outside to answer calls from my sisters school but it was a supply tutor today) so then they tried mums sister and then me again and then I just said it was important and I needed to answer it outside and he let me the second time. Mums sister can’t have her phone on her at work so they always ring me first if mum is away.

You sound amazing. Incredibly supportive and responsible.
But lay down some boundaries about your schooling and your personal enjoyment time. I am sure there is an affordable compromise - your sisters being ill and needing collecting from school is unlikely to reoccur frequently but I am sure you wouldn’t mind that if you weren’t feeling overburdened in every other way.

I really hope you get some of your life back - these years are golden.

I’m not sure yet, I want to be cabin crew like my mum

I also very strongly think your school/college setting are extremely unreasonable here.
There is absolutely no way an adult not at school would be subject to that response when taking a call to fulfil caring duties.
Im pretty sure school should be as accommodating as possible so as not to cause you even more difficulty.

Goodness, you’ve taken on a lot of responsibility. I think maybe your mom needs to put in place a backup in case her sister can’t step in, although who that could be I don’t know.

Your dad has left his children and the mother of his children in a difficult spot. Shame on him.