Party Invites causing upset

[Horseskeepmesane]

Hi, first post!

non judgey, non cliquey mum here who is just confused by Year,1 party invites.

my son is literally the kindest, mild mannered boy, can be quieter with others he isn’t familiar with.

party invites in his class seen to be the biggest issue I do NOT understand

i see chunks of invites being handed out, my son does get them sometimes, but there are also many times when he doesn’t get them, from parents of kids I know he plays with???

what is going on? I’m very happy and chatty at the pick up and drop offs, no issues I can think of, never had any behaviour issues mentioned from school. Why do some kids seem to get invited to all parties? Is it to do with the parents being ‘pushy’ about climbing the social ladder with other parents? I know this sounds petty, but it isn’t. It’s getting under my skin, and upset for my lovely son.

I hate party politics!

My son is similar and isn’t part of a specific group at school, other than his best friend.

He’s not disliked, but is quite far down the pecking order for most parties because the children usually have their own group that are their best friends.

I can already see he’s only being invited to full class parties or parties for all the boys.

In a way I’m sad (because I think my DS is lovely and feel he should be popular because I know how great he is!) but also accept that kids are friends with who they want to be.

I wonder if your DS is similar where he’s actually liked by everyone, just not in a close group of friends that invite to parties and just misses the cut every time?

Perhaps some parents can't afford to invite the whole class, or perhaps they've chosen a venue (maybe their home) that can't accommodate the whole class.

In your position, I'd be pleased at not having to fork out for a present every couple of weeks!

There can be so many reasons why and it's not best not to worry about it or let your son know you're upset by it. Not everyone has all class parties any more. My DD is in year 2 and she had an all class party last year in year 1 but that was only because she couldn't have an all class party during her reception year because of covid. This year she had an activity based party and only invited 8 friends. It's most likely restrictions because of numbers in a hall or soft play.

It does not have to be about you or your child

They may have their own thing going on, same as things you may do might not have anything to do with anyone else

Some kids have big parties where everyone can be invite but others have smaller ones where the birthday kid will only be able to invite 4/5 friends because of cost/the activity etc.

My son has a couple of 'best friends' who will probably always invite him to their parties but he often goes around in different groups. We can't expect an invite to every party just because he will play with them sometimes.

We did one big party for my son when he was younger and then couldn't afford to every year so had smaller ones after or did a day out with family.

Try not to be annoyed about it. It doesn't mean your kids done anything wrong or the other kids don't actually like him.

It's just life. Some kids, like some adults, are more popular than others.

I have a quiet, lovely, nervous boy who has a small group of friends. He doesn't get many party invites. that's fine.
I also have a super smiley, outgoing, extremely popular girl. She seems to be friends with everyone she has ever met. She has party invites coming out of her ears, even the smallest parties/birthdays where there might only be three invites, she always gets one. That's fine too.

It's just how life works. Drop the expectation of your child being invited to things, and life gets so much easier.

Forgot to answer your question: no its not parent pushiness or social climbing. I don't even know how that would work. My DD gets invites to everytihng because she's just one of those people who gets on with everyone and is naturally popular. I don't even know any of the parents. Don't be getting such weird ideas, you're only hurting yourself.

She definitely doesn't get it from me.

I'm pretty sure any suggestions you get will be things you've thought of anyway. No ones knows. My best 2 guesses are that although your son is lovely he's probably not as 'exciting or fun' as the other kids (likely boys) birthday child has chosen....or you are not such close friends with mother of birthday child.
Don't think there's something 'wrong' with either you or your son. Let it go otherwise you'll be thing yourself in knots. You've a few years to go of this, plus playmates etc. Only if no one wants to come to his party would I start giving this any thought.

Yes I think it's just standard life stuff really! Some kids might be invited because their parents are very good friends with the parents of the birthday child - this happens a lot with younger kids, where the party is kind of just a bunch of kids running about in their own groups and not particularly about spending time with the actual birthday child. This tends to stop when the kids get old enough to actually have strong opinions on who does and doesn't come, and it's more about who the child plays with. But I know we invited some people to DD's last party not because DD is massive friends with them but because they are close friends of ours and their kids would have fun hurtling around soft play, and we would enjoy catching up with them.

It’s one of those things that seems huge when they’re that age, but really doesn’t matter in the longer run.

Thibk about when you’re sending out invitations- you don’t analyse the personality of each person in the class, wonder if they’re a lovely kind child but a bit shy etc, are they deserving of an invite etc You just tell your kid how many they can invite, maybe factoring in some reciprocal invitations or maybe not, they tell you who they’d like and you invite those kids. You don’t think “oh but they haven’t said little Timmy and he’s a kind hearted, well meaning boy, and I’ve definitely seen them together”, you just think “oh good, job done”.

My ds is the same, very quiet and reserved but somehow very popular🤷‍♀️. So far he has got an invite to every party, but I am surprised when I see his class mates who I know are friends are not on the group invites. I don't understand it either. I just tell my ds that there will be sometimes he won't be invited and he seems to understand that.

Sometimes parents do insist on an invite for their friend’s child, but not always, and it’s certainly not a snub if they don’t insist on the child inviting your child.

The way you've described your son as quiet and mild mannered makes me think there's your answer right there! He's not an extrovert - and that's fine. Not all kids can be super popular. Maybe organise some play dates as it sounds like your son may be prefer a one on one situation rather than a big group?

They’re limited by capacity and/or money. Some people reciprocate invites so that can be a fair chunk. Then add in siblings and family friends where the parents also socialise and it may not leave that many spaces for the birthday child to actually choose. Doesn’t mean your son isn’t well liked, it just means that there wasn’t space for everyone who birthday child plays with.

It’s hard when they’re so young though. My DD is Y1 and everyone still does whole class, which is a blessing (for her) and a curse (for me)!

More likely to be about the cost per head.

Our local softplay charges £17 for each child at a birthday party, and has now started to charge £4 for an accompanying parent.

Inviting the whole class is becoming prohibitively expensive.

Some kids seem to be on the outskirts of multiple friendship groups but not properly close to many people. Could that be the case? It might mean your son is not quite making the cut but isn't disliked as such.

Party politics are horrendous. My approach was to invite the whole class to maximise reciprocals until DC decided they only wanted to invite certain friends.

I agree its just one of those things rather than anything to do with cliquey parents. By Y1 my DD just had a small group of friends for her birthday - the same gang she plays with every day and has playdates with etc. I think we only did one whole class party in reception year.

Does he have playdates? Maybe ask him if he wants to invite some friends to play?

Our primary school asked parents not to hand out invites in the playground - even with all the other teacher work needed will pop them into bags/draws. So much easier and no party politics.
Only once did we have that parent - child had the day of sick but suddenly appeared at end of school day, with invitation in hand, handed to each child in the class - except one. That poor child stood waiting for the invite - once they had been given out party child stood infront of the other child puts it’s empty hands out and ran back to Mum - they where 8 years old.
Awful , I felt for that child and when covid lockdown happened party cancelled anyway!

Email sent out to all parents again reminding them not to give out invites in the playground.

Party politics are horrendous

Yeah I don't get this. If they even exist, it's your choice to get involved in it. I've never done, in 20 years of parenting. To be complaining about party politics means youre politicking, just not very well!

Pretty sure that most parents would describe their child in similar terms - kind, well.mannered etc. I'm not doubting you, sure he is adorable but he might not be the apple of everyone's eye in quite the same way, especially his peers.

My son barely got invited to anything. He got on with everyone but he didn’t have a group or tribe or whatever of children that were his best buddies. So when people have smaller parties he wasn’t a bestie to get invited. It really was that simple.

My girls get invited to every bloody party going. Into kids from their old schools over a year later still send invites. But they are besties with everyone like centre of the groups.

Parents will just ask for 10-15 names. There's only so many you can have at an activity party before it gets out of hand.

A hall is easier to invite more but it's expensive with catering, activities and entertainment.

It's not pushy Parents it's just a child naming 10 kids. After they get past afew best friends then anyone else is just an add on. Its obviously a bit of a popularity contest but no one is keeping score. My son is liable to forget good friends even at aged 8 or 9 and randomly add someone else he played with that lunchtime. Or I invite my friends children or someone who invited him. 🤷

Also girls will invite more girls and boys invite more boys.

Sounds like ours - £18 a child and there's 30 kids in the class. That's over £500 without including siblings, cousins, or whoever else. I don't even have £500 a month spare so unfortunately some kids will have to be missed out. It's not because they aren't nice, just because it can't always happen.

If your sone as the only child not being invited to any or no one was coming to his, I could see the problem but if not there can't really be an issue.

The truth is it could be either op.

You either have a cliquey bunch that are organising parties with themselves in mind, or your child is quieter and gets missed regularly.

Either way it’s pretty irrelevant as the point is you will need to educate your child to not take it personally and understand many parties have limited numbers and we can’t go to them all. If a very close friend doesn’t invite, it’s possible to salvage your child’s feelings by saying you are busy that weekend would they like to take in a gift? Most parents are decent, not all, the parties get smaller with every passing year until they die off around year six/seven. Model dignified responses and indifference.