Party Invites causing upset

[Horseskeepmesane]

Hi, first post!

non judgey, non cliquey mum here who is just confused by Year,1 party invites.

my son is literally the kindest, mild mannered boy, can be quieter with others he isn’t familiar with.

party invites in his class seen to be the biggest issue I do NOT understand

i see chunks of invites being handed out, my son does get them sometimes, but there are also many times when he doesn’t get them, from parents of kids I know he plays with???

what is going on? I’m very happy and chatty at the pick up and drop offs, no issues I can think of, never had any behaviour issues mentioned from school. Why do some kids seem to get invited to all parties? Is it to do with the parents being ‘pushy’ about climbing the social ladder with other parents? I know this sounds petty, but it isn’t. It’s getting under my skin, and upset for my lovely son.

I sometimes think these social things feel worse or are harder to deal with if you’ve had your own experiences of feeling left out, or bullied or have just generally been a quieter child than most. My son doesn’t seem to get invited to many parties - he’s a lovely little boy but quiet. He has his little friends and that seems to be enough for him. I don’t actually know whether there are parties to be invited to as I’m not really very involved in school life beyond pick ups and drop offs and the class WhatsApp is very quiet - to the point where there might be another one on the go that I’m not aware of!

What others said. I'd especially echo winter on page 1. I was a shy, quiet child in school, huge friendship issues. My DD is invited to everything. We regularly get "Oh, it's just a party for Fred's three closest friends" type invites, when my daughter barely registers who Fred is. It's nothing I've done, but now that we're in the thick of it and a bit more aware of others' experiences I try and include kids who seem a bit marginalised or left out.

I'd invite a few children for playdates, one on one, and make a fun afternoon of it. Whoever your son is keenest on.

When it comes to inviting other kids generally, I'd say in honesty that it's all kids my daughter chooses, but then with a filter for the ones I think aren't very nice or whose parents aren't. I've quite a high threshold for this though.

It’s a bit tricky. There are these cliques at DC’s private school but I tend to try and rise above them by only doing whole class parties and inviting everyone. I absolutely refuse to get sucked into politics.

Why is it politics though? Why should every party be for the whole class?

Once my daughter got to year 2 she stopped wanted whole class parties as she wanted her friends. My son has never wanted a whole class party, he always tells me who he wants there.

Some of those children are children of parents I'm friends with (I'm friends with them because our children are friends). Some I don't know the parents.

Why would it be politics to have the party your child wants with the friends they want? It's their party.

Yabu. Your DS does get invited to parties. A lot of people restrict numbers because of costs.

Real life is that not everyone gets invited to everything.
Kids often choose the number of guests to match their age.

A seven year old invites seven etc.
Suggest positive ways for your child to react and good reasons as to why he might not be invited to all parties.

Help him see reality.

Help him meet friends outside of school for social occasions one on one that doesn't involve a party, for example.

There's a difference though between inviting 5 children from a class of 30 and inviting 26 children. The former is just a child inviting their close friends. The latter is politics; it's a child wielding the power to exclude a handful of others (unless we're talking about leaving out the class bully which is different and is a thread of its own).

So it depends on the specifics. Sometimes there are definitely politics at play.

That’s bloody awful, why go to such extremes of planning.

Honestly I doubt it's anything in particular. My kids would always struggle to narrow down who they'd want to invite. My 10 yo had to give names of 3 friends to school this week for the change of class next year and told me 3 obscure people, one I'd never even heard of rather than her actual friends. Had to gently persuade them to include some of the people they play with and goes to tea with.

It is petty and it sounds like a you problem.
If your son isn't upset, if he does get some invites, then what's the issue?

Kids parties are not all they are cracked up to be. Plan a class meet up where people self fund if you want to try and increase his social time with class mates? Play date at soft play etc.
But it really sounds like you're a bit sore he's not winning the popularity contest. I have to ask though, do you remember the popular kids? They weren't that nice usually.... 😂

The only time I had whole class parties for my dc's was in reception, before at soft play type places and before they really had friendship groups as such. After that they all had parties where we just had 8-10 children otherwise it gets very expensive and as they get older they're not necessarily friends with everyone in the class.

Are you suggesting that people should only have whole class parties of 30 or so kids to stop anyone ever being left out? If so, YANBU.

Unfortunately this happens. Mostly it’s mums deciding who they want to be friends with, and encouraging the DC to be friends.

That's bollocks - it doesn't matter how much some dms would encourage friendships, children will always gravitate towards the ones they get on with best.

I think there is a lot of overthinking and projection from parents on this subject!

I’m sorry to here this, it’s clearly a big source of upset at school, but an unspoken subject!!

Unfortunately this happens. Mostly it’s mums deciding who they want to be friends with, and encouraging the DC to be friends

Only if you subscribe to such bollocks. My dd is only in reception and the kids she's close to are 100% her choice and she made her close friendships entirely off her own back which I'm really proud of. There's a couple of parents I'm quite friendly with but for whatever reason our kids don't really gel and we don't force it. In fact I'm actively avoiding arranging playdates because I can tell that they're not super good friends. Conversely there's quite cliquey or disengaged parents who don't particularly want much to do with me but have still actively encouraged friendships between our kids because it's obvious our kids really like each other. This is how it should be and tbh whether you like it or not is how it will be as your kid gets older. There may be the odd bitchy parent that forces friendships for their own agenda but eventually believe me the kids will make their own minds up and are often good judges of character. Just encourage your kid to be kind and be a good friend and he'll be fine.

30 kids parties means parents have to buy 30 presents and fit 30 parties in with other things

Who has the time?

My DCs are late teens now but I remember how much this stung at first.

They are both quite quirky and introverted but very happy in themselves, and were just a bit different from the 'normals' as I used to call them. They went to a handful of parties each year, but some went to one a week.

By the time the youngest got to Y4 I was completely over the worry though - I could see how vastly different she was and they had both found their little tribes of similar children.

As an aside, a friend's DH was telling me recently that he bumped into an old classmate in London a few years ago who'd been this really shy, quiet and awkward boy at school who everyone thought was a bit weird. He couldn't believe that he was now the head of one of the UK's most successful ad agencies, and he also couldn't remember my friend either, who'd been extrovert and popular at their (state) school! Food for thought...

I agree but I also think there's more nuance to it because child friendships and parent friendships don't develop/ exist in a vacuum- often one does lead to the other or at least strengthen a friendship that might not have otherwise been as strong. Only on MN is establishing friendships with parents of other kids in your class seen as "cliquey".

But in response to the OP, some kids just have more social capital than others , but more isn't always better IMO. DS is a bit like your son. Generally well liked, has a couple of close friends, fits in well in his sports teams etc, but not someone that kids gravitate towards or see as status enhancing- he's quiet and a bit geeky. A couple of party invites but not in many people's top 5-6, which is the typical size now. DD is the opposite and invited to a lot of parties. However, sometimes she almost seems to be the entertainment rather than a guest- always making everyone laugh and makes a party a party. But I'm not sure how many "ride or die" friends she really has. So long as your ds seems happy at school and is included in playtime, I wouldn't worry too much.

I feel your pain! It seems what generally happens with younger kids that if they’re not having all class parties they literally invite the kids they played with in the last few days so you win some and you lose some. A good answer if your son notices is to say they didn’t have enough space.

They probably can't afford to invite the whole class. My son is having a 6th birthday party, where he wants it is £££ so he is probably going to have to pick who he wants there. I don't do drop-off or pickup so don't really know parents well, it's nothing to do with me who he invites he's at an age where he can decide who he gets on with and wants there.

I think you are reading too much into this, I cant say anything you have mentioned would ever enter my mind. To be honest my heart sinks when I see a party invite, it just means having to buy a present and half a weekend day either having to sit through the party or ferrying them there and back. Be thankful invites are thin on the ground!

Is he bothered by this? If not, then I wouldn't worry about it. Maybe organise a more themed playdate (eg superheroes) with a few of his close buddies to firm up friendships, cause in another year they'll be dictating to the parents who's invited to their birthdays

I don’t understand people not understanding!!! Either it’s a ‘party costs x per head’ or some other children are related/ know parents well/ are neighbours or happened to host a birthday or play date that their child was at. I hate that people take offence because the rule here in our family is only one class party per child, otherwise we generally only invite four or five. It has happened that on the day our son has exclaimed ‘I meant to invite x’ but it’s too late. Please don’t take offence, parties are a minefield and I dread them!!!

Yep, I hate this too @Horseskeepmesane. But I also didn’t particularly like going to the parties either, so started to feel a sense of relief when DD wasn’t invited.

I also thought it was good to think in terms of the parties I did for DD. I did some whole class parties, and then began to only invite those who invited DD back as a result.

Do you do large parties for your son? You tend to find that if you invite many to your own DS’s - you then get a reciprocal invite later on.

I ended up giving up on the large parties, and then stop getting invited to others. And tbh, I much prefer just a couple of friends now DD is older - and it’s so much cheaper.

DS now is about to go to primary next year, and my mindset is really not to fuss about parties. The stress a large party caused impacted on birthday enjoyment : so I think it’s now more fun to do something small and low key. And to stop caring about whether DS is/isn’t on the invite list.

Kindly OP, you're going to have to accept that he won't be invited to everything. I wasn't and I'm sure you weren't either. Just explain sometimes there isn't enough room or enough money for all to attend. When older probably say something like you aren't going to like everybody and vice versa and this is also a factor of invitations.

At our local infant/junior school, party invites are not allowed to be handed out on school premises unless they are whole class parties. I think this stops a lot of upset

Just ends up being politics at home when you get to the point where your child is adamant you don't invite someone because they don't like them. Or worse, they're bullied by/mean to them and you're paying to have them at your party.