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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Party Invites causing upset

221 replies

Horseskeepmesane · 26/04/2023 13:35

Hi, first post!

non judgey, non cliquey mum here who is just confused by Year,1 party invites.

my son is literally the kindest, mild mannered boy, can be quieter with others he isn’t familiar with.

party invites in his class seen to be the biggest issue I do NOT understand

i see chunks of invites being handed out, my son does get them sometimes, but there are also many times when he doesn’t get them, from parents of kids I know he plays with???

what is going on? I’m very happy and chatty at the pick up and drop offs, no issues I can think of, never had any behaviour issues mentioned from school. Why do some kids seem to get invited to all parties? Is it to do with the parents being ‘pushy’ about climbing the social ladder with other parents? I know this sounds petty, but it isn’t. It’s getting under my skin, and upset for my lovely son.

OP posts:

nighthawk99 · 28/04/2023 21:21

social climbing at the school gates is a very big thing.

OddSockSeeker · 28/04/2023 21:26

Hi. Do you have these children over to play or for tea ever? If so and you still don’t get an invite then I can see why you’d be upset but if you’re not putting any effort in from your end then you can’t expect an invite I guess. If you focus on tending to a few friendships he has then I’m sure, by next year he’ll be getting invitations. Don’t worry too much. Enjoy your long bank hol weekend. ☀️

SleepingStandingUp · 28/04/2023 22:18

I think unfortunately, nice kids like ours can kind of just go under the radar a bit. They aren't the stand out personalities or most popular or coolest, so they just get overlooked.

Re the politics, I've never really understood what people mean by this. Why does it matter to me who my kid is friends with? How does this benefit me? I feel like I'm doing school gate politics wrong 😁

SleepingStandingUp · 28/04/2023 22:20

nighthawk99 · 28/04/2023 21:21

social climbing at the school gates is a very big thing.

To what end tho? Am I meant to be curating friendships at 5 that'll help my kid when they leave Uni at 21?

BeardieWeirdie · 28/04/2023 22:39

When they’re tiny enough to need parents with them, I’ve just invited my friends who also had children. And only a handful of kids, tops, so there will aways be some missing out but no way can I be doing with a whole class party. It’s not personal.

NerrSnerr · 28/04/2023 23:08

SleepingStandingUp · 28/04/2023 22:18

I think unfortunately, nice kids like ours can kind of just go under the radar a bit. They aren't the stand out personalities or most popular or coolest, so they just get overlooked.

The other children are just as likely to be nice. Just different personalities and that's ok.

I have quiet kids but think it's dangerous to start thinking that others may be inferior for being different.

T1Dmama · 28/04/2023 23:28

Year R was full of parties… we had Atleast one every weekend and it was a nuisance!
Was personally so pleased when I’m year 1 they were less frequent…
try not to get upset… by year 2,3 etc the parties get fewer and far between with most kids either only taking a couple of friends out or not bothering at all

hannahf4 · 28/04/2023 23:32

I think its much easier to not be invited to everything. I think parties have become such a massive thing in recent years. Im 34 and only remember having one big party, in my back garden with a magician, sandwiches and ice cream. Probably very expensive for my parents back then. We do to much extravagant stuff now days for kids birthdays

likethislikethat · 29/04/2023 01:09

It is meaningless.

Your kid won't remember, the other kids won't remember, no-one will remember.

carsharing · 29/04/2023 01:19

It is just a money matter. You're not being unreasonable but don't bother to much.
Teacher your son the difference between friends and acquaintanced. It's much more important IMHO

Toomuchtrouble4me · 29/04/2023 01:24

My youngest was like this, he was friends with all but best friends with none. I can say hand on heart that by year six he was the most popular boy by a long shot. He’s in yr 7 now and just makes friends with ease and is hugely popular. He was just quiet when younger and went under the radar. Don’t worry.

stacyvaron · 29/04/2023 04:52

So many reasons why this could be happening. In our case we kept things small, our kids were only allowed a few others. While some get bigger and more ridiculous, there's also a move in the other direction. I wouldn't worry about your child's popularity just yet.

Likelyteapot · 29/04/2023 06:34

I honestly think there are no 'politics' around birthday parties. The only politics occurs are when people think there are politics. Children's parties aren't that deep.

Usually when asked the kids just picks the handful of people that they enjoy playing with most that week. Plus the parents then might invite some other kids because they are particular friends with the parents. This isn't 'politics', its preference, and that's fine when you're spending your limited money and time at a weekend!

My DS, I've noticed doesn't get invited to really any play dates, for example. Nothing wrong with him, he's got lots of friends, he's just never the one kid picked when asked I guess! On the other hand, my DH and I get invited out to dinner and drinks by other parents quite a lot. Whereas one of my DS little friends gets invited to everything, but his parents don't. It's not politics, it's just when people have limited time and money, kids, like adults, just pick the person or couple of people they get on with best at that point in time. Nothing against anyone else, they still like them.

Just remember it's not that deep and there are no politics, so please don't worry about It. I'm sure you and you son are like and appreciated. You'll make yourself so unhappy if you over think it, and your son will pick up on that. All the best.

Lemonademoney · 29/04/2023 08:01

Could be any number of reasons from reciprocating party invites to those who’ve already had a party to only inviting a specific class or inviting the kids who live on the same street. As long as your child is happy and has good friendships I would try not to think any further about it. Before you know it they are older and parties naturally become much smaller affairs x

clarehhh · 29/04/2023 08:18

At that age more to do with who they played with the day the parents asked who they wanted to have. Also who the adults are friends with so these adults can help at the party.

Dibbydoos · 29/04/2023 11:06

Seriously, not everyone gets picked all of the time. That's life.

These are nit decisions you can influence so, such it up. Your child is fine and if you let him will grow to be more resilient.

T1Dmama · 29/04/2023 11:41

I’ve been on the other side of this.. accused of leaving a child out!

So My DD (year 3 at the time), sat with her class photo and wrote out Christmas cards to all the girls in her class, she also wrote about 3 cards to boys because she didn’t really like any boys in her class, finding them all immature and silly…
Anyway she took the cards in, popped them in the post box in reception and that was the end of that…. The mother then posted on the school page about how nasty it was that a child had sent cards to ‘everyone’ except her son, and how upset he was that ‘everyone’ had got a card except for him! I ignored it because I knew my daughter had only sent to 3 boys in the class so assumed it was aimed else where… years later she confronted me as to why my DD doesn’t like her son! I explained she doesn't actually dislike him but doesn’t mix with the boys in general. Told her she hadn’t sent cards to ANY (bar 3) of the boys and certainly hadn’t sent to all except him… I don’t think she believed me but that’s her issue not mine.

Ellyess · 29/04/2023 12:06

nighthawk99 · 28/04/2023 21:21

social climbing at the school gates is a very big thing.

I remember, having entertained another mum for nearly the whole day the day before while she unloaded all her grievances, the next morning she came towards me with a big smile and arms outstretched. I smiled back, and watched as she walked straight past me as though I were not there, and went to say "Air hair lair [oh hello]" to a new mum who had a title of 'Lady'.
Some people have the wrong values. I feel sorry for their children.

Wotsitsname · 29/04/2023 13:16

Give your head a wobble. If you are not invited it means you get to spend the weekend with your child doing something nice instead of forced to sit in a softplay or some other version of hell and make small talk. Also you don’t have to run around buying presents. Enjoy your weekends and if your kid wants to socialise invite some other kids over for play dates sometimes. Is he even upset about it?

Wotsitsname · 29/04/2023 13:20

I meant to add I regularly decline party offers for my kids. I only let them go to very close friends parties as I would rather do something nice with them.

Natenno · 09/05/2023 21:03

Aw OP i really feel this, there could be a number of reasons why this is the case, class numbers, affordability a child having to choose a handful of kids to invite or just general cliques between parents, its like being at school all over again 🙄.. I was really worried my lg was being left out, shes outgoing but doesnt seem to have a specific bunch of friends, teacher calls her a 'butterfly'... they are only reception age mind you, but i did worry. Then a few weeks back i got wind of the class WhatsApp group, i heard it mentioned at the school gates, asked a mum in the know to add me, turns out I was one of a handful of parents who had no clue about It (probably as I keep myself to myself..)!

Apparently WhatsApp groups are the norm in our school, and so it turns out parties gets mentioned on the group, photo of an invite for the whole group to RSVP to etc.. Well all of a sudden my lg has a better social life than anyone I know, and im knackered with all the parties and presents.. But it may be worth asking a mum or ds teacher?

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