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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Party Invites causing upset

221 replies

Horseskeepmesane · 26/04/2023 13:35

Hi, first post!

non judgey, non cliquey mum here who is just confused by Year,1 party invites.

my son is literally the kindest, mild mannered boy, can be quieter with others he isn’t familiar with.

party invites in his class seen to be the biggest issue I do NOT understand

i see chunks of invites being handed out, my son does get them sometimes, but there are also many times when he doesn’t get them, from parents of kids I know he plays with???

what is going on? I’m very happy and chatty at the pick up and drop offs, no issues I can think of, never had any behaviour issues mentioned from school. Why do some kids seem to get invited to all parties? Is it to do with the parents being ‘pushy’ about climbing the social ladder with other parents? I know this sounds petty, but it isn’t. It’s getting under my skin, and upset for my lovely son.

OP posts:
Hidinginplainsightnow · 28/04/2023 18:04

I totally understand how you feel - both my lovely sons were very much B list at school and rarely got invited. Worst non invite was from the child whose party was on a bus parked literally outside the school so that almost every other child came from class to party bus and my son had to walk past. Nice. That said, there may be very good economic reasons why there’s a small pool of invitations and your son is most probably less upset than you are. Try not to the the clique get you down.

stichguru · 28/04/2023 18:11

Are we at a point where everyone connects on What's App etc? My son is in Year 5 and I still don't have contacts for all his friends. I guess if our school had this rule his 5th,6th,7th birthday parties would have been no school friends and his 8th,9th,10th would have been 3 or 4. I can see why they don't want kids being left out, but in a day where many parents don't do school pick-ups etc this rule just seems to stop children inviting their friends to their parties. Honestly my child has never been upset because he's not been invited to a party. We have only had one whole class party, games in a hall where really it was very little cost or problem to have all the kids. My one rule though is you don't invite MOST of the class. We try to aim for no more than 10/15 out of 30, never like 28 or something because that is cruel even if the ones he leaves out he never plays with.

JM88Jen · 28/04/2023 18:12

I know it is easier said than done, but try not to take this to heart. I have never been able to afford a huge party for any of my 4 so some children must feel left out but it is life unfortunately.
My youngest two (twins 6yrs) had a soft play party in December and money was right with Christmas round corner too. So I simply told them how many could come, they picked whoever and I gave invites to the teacher to hand out.
We don't get many invites as I think people feel they have to invite them both (they are boy and girl) but I just don't mention it infront of them.
Just think... you are saving money not having to fork out for a gift and card every week 🙈

CantFindMyMarbles · 28/04/2023 18:13

You don’t get to pick and choose whose parties your child is invited to.
he’s not entitled to an invite.
Your child being pleasant and lovely has nothing to do with anything in relation to this.
teach your child to be happy for others.

annonymousmouseinyourhouse · 28/04/2023 18:14

I did full class until ds turned 6 then it was boys only from then on (he said the girls were awful to one another and he couldn't be bothered with it) so only invited a couple of friends from 9 onwards.

Bringonthesunshineporfavor · 28/04/2023 18:18

Cherrysherbet · 27/04/2023 10:23

To all those saying ‘it’s just one of those things, it’s not personal, they can’t invite everyone blah blah blah….’

When it happens to YOUR child, it feels bloody awful. When it happens multiple times, it’s hurtful and worrying. It’s human nature to be protective of our children.

It doesn’t matter what the circumstances, to be left out of a group at any age is a huge thing (we see posts on here all the time when grownups have been excluded from a friendship group activity /holiday and it causes pain and upset).

Everyone wants their child to be included, and to be doing well socially. If I’m honest, I think it mattered more to me than the academic side of things when they were small. Nobody wants their child to be left out socially as it can lead to bullying etc….

I don’t know what the answer is, but I do know I’m so glad mine are much older now, and the birthday party days are over!

Agree with absolutely every word @Cherrysherbet . Happened to my youngest and he most definitely was a popular part of the tribe in the class but he was definitely left out by the parents! These parents are awful role models for their children IMHO .
Am so relieved that my days at the school gate ended a long time ago !

GrandmaSusie · 28/04/2023 18:22

I don't think you're being unreasonable at all. When I was growing up my mother always made a point of inviting all the girls in my classroom and I did the same thing with my children. It is so hurtful and rude to leave any child out!

Dizzy907 · 28/04/2023 18:25

I don’t think it’s wrong for you to feel that way, but I would say you’re being unreasonable in this case. There might be different reasons why your son wasn’t invited and it might not even be due to his personality. A party for children might be very expensive, and children can be demanding. The first things some children want for a birthday are outside activities, and they can be expensive. A thing is going all out for a marriage, you usually expect for it to be once, but birthday parties are annually and not everyone has that kind of money. The best thing is to train your children to understand that they might not be at every party, and just because they don’t invite you doesn’t mean you should be “angry” with them.

RedoneP · 28/04/2023 18:37

I saw this with my niece. At Primary school it's all about social engineering. It has no impact at secondary school so parents being cliquey or social engineering is really a waste of time. If your son only gets a few invites, don't worry. It makes no difference down the line. I'd worry if he was the only child not invited to something though.

overwroughtmummy · 28/04/2023 18:50

Also, kids are fickle and forgetful. I’d love to invite everyone in the class so no one feels left out but we don’t have the space for 30 kids plus their parents to hold a party at home, and can’t afford 30 kids at a venue.

We decide the budget/number of kids and ask our kids who they want to invite. DC may play with Sophie (pseudonym) all the time, but if DC hasn’t played with her that week that’s probably not a name on the list, and unless I know that Sophie is a bestie and they’ve just had chickenpox that week or a bit of a falling out I’m not going to know to prompt DC that Sophie should go on the list. It’s got to the day of the party and DC has asked “why did/didn’t I invite Sophie?!” but it’s luck of the draw who’s in favour/mind the day the invite list is drawn up!

Noodles1234 · 28/04/2023 18:56

On the whole, young kids have no idea who their friends are, parents ask staff, make guesses or invite the people they know along (unless a whole class invite). Saying that, I am sure some parents want to engineer friendships with particular kids, and some people have always done that.

Just be the nice parent and eventually things work out. When it’s your kids birthday think about an easy going (ie venue do everything inc food), class party somewhere and walk around and chat. Sometimes things take time.

HauntedPencil · 28/04/2023 19:09

If he gets some, but not all, I don't see a huge issue. They won't all be full class parties. I think often parents ask the children for 10 names and aren't that familiar with all the kids in year one, but they can't expect the invites to all the parties.

Echobelly · 28/04/2023 19:11

I'd say YABU. Maybe some people are just having smaller parties, perhaps they're doing something more expensive so they can't invite everyone. It doesn't have to say anything about your child, honestly I didn't have much of an idea at primary school which kids were 'nice' or 'gentle' and sometimes I did invite kids who I knew DCs hadn't had mutual invite on the other kid's birthday but that was none of my business why.

Cazareeto1 · 28/04/2023 19:13

Horseskeepmesane · 26/04/2023 13:35

Hi, first post!

non judgey, non cliquey mum here who is just confused by Year,1 party invites.

my son is literally the kindest, mild mannered boy, can be quieter with others he isn’t familiar with.

party invites in his class seen to be the biggest issue I do NOT understand

i see chunks of invites being handed out, my son does get them sometimes, but there are also many times when he doesn’t get them, from parents of kids I know he plays with???

what is going on? I’m very happy and chatty at the pick up and drop offs, no issues I can think of, never had any behaviour issues mentioned from school. Why do some kids seem to get invited to all parties? Is it to do with the parents being ‘pushy’ about climbing the social ladder with other parents? I know this sounds petty, but it isn’t. It’s getting under my skin, and upset for my lovely son.

Hi I’m in Scotland so our school years are named slightly differently, in my opinion for all parents in (p1-p3) reception-year 2 should invite the whole class I personally think from (p4) year 3 it then goes on to small parties in child’s group of friends. I do think it is very unfair to let kids be left out especially if the majority of the class is going. I would be upset too, for my child and annoyed at the parents for causing a division at the beginning of their school life. When they get older though definitely smaller parties.

my youngest child is non verbal and in his last year of nursery and has never been invited to a party i speak to the parents they know he has special needs, but don’t invite him. Which breaks my heart, my older two was invited to every party, so it pisses me off tbh. My son doesn’t play with other child even his own siblings so I can see why his name won’t be mentioned by other kids, but when whole class is invited apart from my youngest really pisses me off. I stop talking to them all end of last year because frankly why should I bother my arse.

xmaswiththeinlaws · 28/04/2023 19:15

We've never done a whole class party, neither of my kids wanted the kinds of parties where everyone was there, (discos etc) that's just them, they had lots of friends just didn't want them all there at the same time. Don't worry, it doesn't mean he's not popular, he just might have been option number 9 for an 8 guests type party several times. One year my DD invited a girl to her party who wasn't a close friend but she said didn't get many invites and felt she should be invited, especially as it was something she might like and not something some of her other friends were into. If there is a limit to numbers some kids invite who they think will suit the theme. My son didn't invite one of his best friends recently because he wanted to invite a different friend who he knew would get on well with the other guests. Sometimes it's the activity, maybe not inviting the friend who's scared of the water to a pool party.

Anon1368 · 28/04/2023 19:20

It always seemed to be the loudest, most visible ones that got invited more early on, with the quieter ones a bit left out. Some will just openly ask to be invited. It settles down later.

fairywhale · 28/04/2023 19:24

Even on here so many mothers admit they invite their own friends' kids to smaller parties, instead of the birthday child's friends, "due to costs or capacity", how can it be fair or enjoyable for the birthday child? Whose birthday is it? How would you like your mother's friend's children coming to your birthday instead of your own friends? I'm not talking about when the mums are friends and so are the kids great friends - it's almost never the case in reality, certainly not when kids start thinking for themselves.

Buffs · 28/04/2023 19:28

youre right it isn’t fair nor will anything be in life. I can appreciate why it gets under your skin though.

Mum3boyz · 28/04/2023 19:31

My DS was very good friends with a boy all the way through primary school, and we always invited him to my DS's birthday party. However, my DS was never invited. I never said anything about it (I felt inwardly confused and sad but never mentioned it). My DS is in year 9 now, and they have remained really close friends. All the boys who went to DS's friend's parties are no longer in their friendship group. I have learned that things change and kids are often led by their parents or make decisions without too much thought. Try not to worry too much about it all. Hard though I know it is.

angela99999 · 28/04/2023 19:52

I'm afraid this is just normal, a lot of mums have older children or children who were at nursery together and already know each other.
I don't think that young kids often choose who comes, the mothers invite children they know already. It's not nice but I doubt it's deliberately nasty.
We always invited everybody when we had a party but it made no difference to how many parties they were invited to.

Anon1368 · 28/04/2023 20:04

Mum3boyz · 28/04/2023 19:31

My DS was very good friends with a boy all the way through primary school, and we always invited him to my DS's birthday party. However, my DS was never invited. I never said anything about it (I felt inwardly confused and sad but never mentioned it). My DS is in year 9 now, and they have remained really close friends. All the boys who went to DS's friend's parties are no longer in their friendship group. I have learned that things change and kids are often led by their parents or make decisions without too much thought. Try not to worry too much about it all. Hard though I know it is.

It seems so mean when that happens. Really makes you wonder about the parents.

Ellyess · 28/04/2023 20:20

I've said you are not being unreasonable because you cannot help your feelings. I am really sorry for you and your son. It is a horrible problem and there is no easy answer. I think time may sort it out, but while he is little it will be hard for him to understand why he is not invited sometimes. I think probably space and money would explain why many parents cannot invite the whole class. I would try to reassure him that it does not mean people do not like him. If some of the children are going off to a party after school and he is not I'd be inclined to arrange a special treat for him maybe with a friend who is also left out of the party.

Gradually these things usually settle down as the children get older. But I really feel for you as you worry about your sweet little boy. I'm sure he will make really good friends who will appreciate him as time goes by. Try inviting one or two home for tea, not for a birthday party, but just to come round to play after school.

rainbowbear10 · 28/04/2023 20:26

This happend to my daughter in her last year of primary the only kid out of 15 in the class (small class) and only girl not invited. This was by a girl she had been friends with throughout school. I can understand it if it were a child they not not interact with at school but its life I just took her out for the day and had fun.

CelestiaNoctis · 28/04/2023 20:37

For me, my daughter is only allowed to choose a handful of friends and she picks who she picks. Often it's just who she thought of on the day I asked cos she likes everyone. I wouldn't take it personally, you can't be invited to everything every time and that's a good lesson to learn. The older they get the more selective it gets too, eventually kids can only pick 1 or 2 friends to come round for their birthday.

Elaina87 · 28/04/2023 21:09

The sensible thing for any school to do and what my daughters school does is put the invitations in the book bags the children take home at the weekend. That way if it's not the full class they are none the wiser and invites aren't handed out in front of those not invited. Kids will talk about parties but generally not until they are older and have more established friendship groups. So others won't expect to be invited unless it's their own group.