Party Invites causing upset

[Horseskeepmesane]

Hi, first post!

non judgey, non cliquey mum here who is just confused by Year,1 party invites.

my son is literally the kindest, mild mannered boy, can be quieter with others he isn’t familiar with.

party invites in his class seen to be the biggest issue I do NOT understand

i see chunks of invites being handed out, my son does get them sometimes, but there are also many times when he doesn’t get them, from parents of kids I know he plays with???

what is going on? I’m very happy and chatty at the pick up and drop offs, no issues I can think of, never had any behaviour issues mentioned from school. Why do some kids seem to get invited to all parties? Is it to do with the parents being ‘pushy’ about climbing the social ladder with other parents? I know this sounds petty, but it isn’t. It’s getting under my skin, and upset for my lovely son.

Party politics are tricky. Some schools don’t allow invitations to be handed out unless they’re whole class parties.

But I don’t think some kids get invited to everything because their parents are pushy, some kids are just popular. Surely you remember what that’s like, even at six?

I think the only way around it is to do what some schools do - no invitations in the playground unless whole class parties. Otherwise parents can just send to the individual kids via WhatsApp, or in the park etc.

It’s really a normal part of life though, and something your son will have to deal with one day. Better he learns now while you’re there to support his feelings over it: his feelings are normal, and you’re there for him to talk to, etc.

I don’t think you’re asking the right question here. The question isn’t why your 5/6 year old child isn’t getting invited to every party it’s why you’re upset about it? That’s the question that will give you much more insight.

Definitely better to get this sorted in your head now as it's potentially head melting as they get older.

FWIW, in our school its pretty much who the mum is friends with. Mums invite their friends kids!

Do you do play dates, meet other parents socially?

at this age it's often one of two things: the parents inviting their mates' kids; or the kid reeling off a random list of names based on who they were working with that afternoon, rather than their closest friends. Another day would have generated an entirely different list.

Try and be ultra blase about it so your kid isn't bothered. And also, get a reputation for being a turner-upper. My elder DC was quirky and very much not one of the popular kids. However we quickly RSVPed, prioritised attending parties, and found she got invited to more and more as people knew were we pretty reliable.

Agree. I never got involved with this either with my four and I couldn't get worked up about it if I tried.

My child has SEN and is year one. Reception was non stop party invites and he had a big party where we invited the whole class too. In year one there has only been one or two party invites which makes me a bit worried for him, although I know he is getting better at making friendships he's behind his peers in this area of development and I have a horrible awareness that the party invites have dried up.

I don't think it's anything to do with parents climbing the social ladder though. Children start to get smaller groups of friends and parties stop being whole class parties as they get older. It just is what it is.

We are organising my child's party at the moment. We have a limit of 25 people from the venue and there are 30 children in her class. There are other friends & family to invite, so I have told her she can choose 10 friends. It's nothing personal.

Unfortunately this happens. Mostly it’s mums deciding who they want to be friends with, and encouraging the DC to be friends.

All you can do is try to make your DC a bit more resilient to this kind of let down. I’d be the bigger person and invite everyone in the class, because I don’t want to make others feel crap, like we may have felt.

My DC was once invited to an afternoon very low key party of a very good friend. Then found out there was an A list where those DC had been taken out for an activity then had a sleep over, which my DC and others close to him were not invited to. After that, my DC decided not to bother with them anymore, which I was really proud of. The DC did alright though didn’t he? Got about 20 presents!

I let my kids invite who they want. They give me a list and sometimes they forget a name. So it’s really not personal - they forget about people they play with regularly.

I can’t afford everyone and I have no say in who they invite - I try to remind them to invite people they pay with regularly but ultimately sometimes people get left out.

Don’t over think it, easier said than done I know. Thats the way it is and will be moving forward. When you host your next party, just invite who you want/can. There are many reasons that kids don’t get invited, cost and space are probably the top. Arrange a play date that weekend for him.

When he has a party himself expect to get a few invitations back. Don't do a whole class party if you don't want to. I expect other parents are just having smaller parties, the cost of living being as it is. These usually end by Y2 anyway and smaller groups are invited.

Must admit I never gave this sort of thing a second thought when DDs were younger.

As long as your lad has some friends and goes to some parties, that's great.

This will be a non-issue in a year or two anyway as folk just invite their close friends.

It is probably mainly to do with numbers and cost. But even if it is the case that your son is not top of a particular party thrower's invite list - that's OK too. If your boy is a gentle quiet type he is likely to have a few good friends and not be a social butterfly.

Sometimes parents are on a budget and will limit numbers to keep costs down. Then the child will only invite their closest friends, leaving others out.

Your boy might be a "floater". Mine is. So not in a distinct group of friends but gets on with everyone. He only gets a few invitations a year. I was pleased last month when he invited the 7 boys in his class and they all turned up. Not unpopular just not in a "group".

It mightn't sound petty but it does sound a bit mean-spirited and insecure (and judgey) if you think that many parents care about social ladders etc.

Your son is quiet and has a circle of friends who invite him to parties. Other kids he sometimes plays with don't always invite him to parties. Some parents don't want all-class parties due to space/money/hassle or thinking their dc will have a nicer time with fewer guests.

Stop over-thinking and stop with the conspiracy theories. Be nice to other parents, be glad your son has a circle of friends and leave it at that.

I don’t have kids so can’t comment but was a shy, introverted child who kept pretty much to myself bar 2 best friends at primary school. My DM is the opposite and invited my friends round and we had huge birthday parties inviting the whole class for me and DB (birthday in same month) every year until I was 12. She also arranged brownie etc teas. We were lucky though having a large house (for the area, with a big dining/living room space, separate large living room and large back garden us piano in the house. One of DM’s friends worked as a technician in a school
and borrowed disco lights and DJ equipment which made the party really popular too.

I got invites to most of the other parties based on that but also from friends I knew at school (infant school 2 little girls I knew fairly well), I think as I’d made an effort with one little girl (age 7 or 8) her DM invited me to her party though they moved at the end of the school year.

Lots of parents don’t have the money or the time to hold parties these days either. The cost of parties these days does sound a lot and also the competitive vibe about where to hold them.

I also think parents have no idea sometimes of who their DC are friends with, especially if they don’t always do school drop off pick up. My DM would have had next to no idea as she was a teacher but did drop off pick up (different teaching era) at usual times. She did pick up on lots though and wanted me to have more friends.

You can't be invited to everything. You have no idea who is getting invited and who isn't. My daughter was allowed to invite 6 people for her birthday. She picked the children. She actually picked some kids who's parents not fond of. She was happy and that's all that matters.

I used to feel a bit like this. It was mostly me, though – my kids didn't particularly feel left out. They knew that they couldn't and wouldn't be invited to every party. Some they would, some not. That's just the way it goes - and unless you are inviting all the class to your child's party you are also going to be leaving kids out. (Don't do this, it's a huge undertaking and an exercise in crowd control - they'll each bring a parent in year 1, and year 1 kids just want to run around and eat sugar. It's not fun.)

Sometimes it's a return invitation – I always made sure my kids invited the ones whose party they went to, to be polite, and then they'd also invite their next-closest friends, up to the limit of what I could afford. That wasn't always kids in the class - it was also their sibling, out of school friends, etc.

But also, if there are 30 kids in your child's class, they all have a party and they all invite your child - that's potentially more than half the weekends of the year involving at least one party. If they have them in the same weekend, then less weekends but more parties in each weekend. And in year 1, a parent still tends to go to them all as well. And that's just for one child. If you have more than one, it multiplies.

When we had a primary school birthday party (and it was usually activities rather than parties) we'd invite about 8-10 kids. Some will invite back, some not (some won't have a party anyway). It was fine.

Thing is it’s easy to say “oh i just let them choose and don’t think about it” but my eldest did this last year.

When she presented me with her list, it was apparent that only two girls in the class would be left out (it’s a small class). I told her to invite all the girls. You can’t leave out just two, it’s too cruel, but that doesn’t really occur to young children sometimes.

So I do think sometimes you need to be careful about just leaving it entirely to them (eg bullying by exclusion - I’d want no part in that).

Oh my goodness this is HARD isn't it! in my (3 kids) experience it tends to be more about which Mums socialise together - I'm a 'non-socialiser', several reasons but mainly I had a medical condition which means I simply can't devote time and energy to this kind of thing and if I have to choose between a 'mums night out' (or in one year groups case, weekends away!! yes really!) and spending quality time with my kiddos, well guess which one I choose - anyway I digress.

For this EXACT reason, I had a strict 'if we're having a party you must invite ALL of the girls' rule (obvs mine were girls), no exceptions in up to year 4. In year 5/6 they could choose just a couple of friends for a bigger event or all the girls for a cheaper one (after that I just chuck some money at them and act as taxi driver lol!). I know monies tight and I guess not everyone can afford to do this but we've done large parties on a shoestring and spent less than taking a couple of kiddos out for a meal.

Anyway, there's not a lot you can do about it sadly without sounding like THAT Mum but if your Son's bothered by it (and to be fair its usually us that are more bothered!) its time for a talk about how much things cost and that not everyone can be invited and also, as others have said, how its absolutely okay to not get invited to stuff!

Also, often in year 1 they can't even remember who their friends are anyway, or what they are called. Agree with not leaving one or two people out. And do remember that some people are never invited to parties - and be sensitive to that. Maybe see if your child would like to invite the ones that don't get so many invitations?

What works much better than handing out invitations is to have a WhatsApp group – you probably have most of the parents' numbers already and can deduce those you don't have from the class WhatsApp group if there is one.

Party politics are the worst! At the end of the day, you need to not let it get to you. It’s not really a big deal and has no reflection on how nice/popular etc your child is, but more importantly you don’t want your child to pick up that you’re upset. I’ve seen it before where mums get upset about their child not being invited then next minute the child is upset because they feel left out etc. it’s an important life lesson that they might not get invited to every social occasion going and to learn how to deal with that!

As an aside, my observation has been that parties for kids that age tend to go on the basis of who the mum is friendly with, rather than the child!

As DC get older it does get slightly easier as WhatsApp groups are set up for party invitees, so no physical invitations given out.

My DS is sometimes not invited to parties but you simply can't afford the whole class to attend some activities unfortunately. He's Y6 now and it's pretty accepted ways of working so less emotive IYSWIM