To think it's impossible to actually have conversations these days?

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 2023-04-25T21:15:10+00:00

Can I just check if I am losing it? Two instantances this week where I was pulled up on really well intended comments that we taken up the wrong way & I'm baffled. Friend 1 sent me a photo of her new hairstyle. I replied, I really like the new colour. Are you happy with it? The response I got was "should I not be? What's wrong with it? Why are you even asking me that? Tell me what you really think. Friend B - we were talking about something that happened it the past and I said "you seemed happy about it" Response "seemed? I am happy with it. Did you think I was pretending?" Am I unreasonable or is my use of the English language really poor an insulting? Both friends are genuinely annoyed & I've no idea why.

AutisticLegoLover · 25/04/2023 22:18

They sound tiresome and out to be offended. Ignore would be my advice. I can't see anything wrong in what you said. My teenager behaves like that. It's exasperating but expected in teenagers but not in adults.

Forestfire12345 · 25/04/2023 22:20

Woah... you have some touchy, paranoid friends. CBA with that. Tell them to calm the fuck down 🤣

Heroicallyfound · 25/04/2023 22:21

It’s them, not you! You sound lovely, caring about how they feel. Would love some friends like you!

WordtoYoMumma · 25/04/2023 22:24

It depends a bit on context, but I think I might find "are you happy with it?" an odd response to a picture of my new hair do, it does sound a bit like you are testing the waters to see if your friend realises her new hairstyle is horrible 😂
The second one is just odd and sounds like semantics

Original poster

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 25/04/2023 22:26

Thank you. One of them even old me that my texts are cold & confusing because they have no emojis.

First one is female, second one is male. We are all heading towards 40.

Put the first one down to a bad day but after the second, I was beginning to wonder if it was me.

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Fairislefandango · 25/04/2023 22:28

You just have arsey friends.

angelikacpickles · 25/04/2023 22:29

I think the first one is an odd thing for you to have said. Asking if someone is happy with their new hair sounds like you think they might not be.

Harder to tell with the second one.

Sixfaithfulservingfriends · 25/04/2023 22:29

I had a new hair do once, I’d spent hours in the hairdressers and spent ££££ & a bitch of a colleague asked “Do you like it?”.
It was two decades ago and it still winds me up thinking about it. It was such a bitchy thing to do, to make me doubt that it actually looked nice because she obviously didn’t. Maybe that’s how your comment came across to your friend?

Original poster

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 25/04/2023 22:30

WordtoYoMumma · 25/04/2023 22:24

It depends a bit on context, but I think I might find "are you happy with it?" an odd response to a picture of my new hair do, it does sound a bit like you are testing the waters to see if your friend realises her new hairstyle is horrible 😂
The second one is just odd and sounds like semantics

I think that's a stretch. I ask people are they happy with things all the time because I genuinely hope they are. We were talking last week about how she wanted to hanger her hair but had it the same was for so long that she wasn't sure if she would regret.

Everyone is so offended these days, it really is getting ridiculous.

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GeraltsBathtub · 25/04/2023 22:32

I do think asking someone if they are happy with their haircut is a weird thing to say. But I’m not sure what the second one is annoyed about.

user1471554720 · 25/04/2023 22:32

Lots of work colleagues are like this. If you admire a person's top and if another person is within earshot, she will say'you never admired my top, are you trying to say my top is not nice".

There are so many examples over the years that I have become very quiet. I rarely make small talk now. I know it comes across as rude but it is better than having to justify everything I say.

If you are in a conversation with someone and if you praise another person ( who is nor present) e.g. Mary is very hardworking and knowledeable, the person yyou are telling will infer thst you are giving her a dig and saying that she is not hardworking like Mary.

It is all age groups, not just people my age I am 50. It is frightening that I could make a random comment, to nake conversation and I could be chastsed for it.

I only have a few friends whom I meet individually. I have no interest in making more as it is all so stressful, watching what you are saying.

Original poster

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 25/04/2023 22:33

angelikacpickles · 25/04/2023 22:29

I think the first one is an odd thing for you to have said. Asking if someone is happy with their new hair sounds like you think they might not be.

Harder to tell with the second one.

She was worried about changing it?

I wanted her to be happy with it. Why is it so weird to want a friend to be happy?

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WandaWonder · 25/04/2023 22:35

Same as 'do you like the blue or green one'

Blue

'Why what's wrong with green?'

I hate this!!!

itsayouproblem · 25/04/2023 22:37

"I really like the colour, are you happy with it" implies to me that the nicest thing you could come up with was the colour, the rest of it you're not keen on.

itsayouproblem · 25/04/2023 22:39

Also, you're example isn't an example of it being "impossible to actually have a conversation" - you asked a question, it was slightly shady. You got asked some questions back.

If it's ok for you to ask if she's happy about her hair then it's ok for her to ask why you're asking that.

That's a conversation.

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/04/2023 22:40

I think it's all in the delivery. You could say "Ooh, that looks AMAZING - I love it! Are you happy with it?" In a voice that suggests they must be. Or you could say "Well, I like...the colour. Eh...are you...happy with it..?" in a voice that suggests "because I wouldn't be."

Likewise you could say "You seemed happy about it" in a voice that suggests "You were delighted - it was lovely to see" or "You put a good face on it, but I'm wondering whether you honestly could have been pleased? About that? Really?".

If two of your friends, who presumably wouldn't be your friends unless they were reasonable and pleasant people, have felt stung by similar comments on your part, maybe you are accidentally saying it the second kind of way.

bananaboats · 25/04/2023 22:40

I think the first example it sounds like you didn't like her hair and couldn't think of anything nice to say about it. Second example too hard to say without context.

Snooks1971 · 25/04/2023 22:43

bananaboats · 25/04/2023 22:40

I think the first example it sounds like you didn't like her hair and couldn't think of anything nice to say about it. Second example too hard to say without context.

This is how I read it too.

AliasGrape · 25/04/2023 22:43

TheYearOfSmallThings · 25/04/2023 22:40

I think it's all in the delivery. You could say "Ooh, that looks AMAZING - I love it! Are you happy with it?" In a voice that suggests they must be. Or you could say "Well, I like...the colour. Eh...are you...happy with it..?" in a voice that suggests "because I wouldn't be."

Likewise you could say "You seemed happy about it" in a voice that suggests "You were delighted - it was lovely to see" or "You put a good face on it, but I'm wondering whether you honestly could have been pleased? About that? Really?".

If two of your friends, who presumably wouldn't be your friends unless they were reasonable and pleasant people, have felt stung by similar comments on your part, maybe you are accidentally saying it the second kind of way.

Agree with this.

If it’s happening to you enough that you feel like you ‘can’t have a conversation anymore’ then it’s probably worth considering whether it’s something in your delivery?

It could also just be two people having an off day, that happens too.

ShowUs · 25/04/2023 22:44

It’s not you, some people will always try and find something to be offended about.

Original poster

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 25/04/2023 22:50

It was a quick text. There was no badness in it. I do really like the colour.

Even judging by the responses, it seems that some people don't take things at face value and over analysis minor things and assume things are implied that aren't.

It's draining having to watch ever single word. It's so tedious and unnecessary.

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itsayouproblem · 25/04/2023 22:52

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 25/04/2023 22:50

It was a quick text. There was no badness in it. I do really like the colour.

Even judging by the responses, it seems that some people don't take things at face value and over analysis minor things and assume things are implied that aren't.

It's draining having to watch ever single word. It's so tedious and unnecessary.

Maybe you could take your own advice, then.

"Sorry, friend, wasn't meaning to insinuate anything about it. I really think it looks lovely, thanks for sharing"

Then you move on.

Without taking offence.

Sixfaithfulservingfriends · 25/04/2023 22:53

Everyone is so offended these days, it really is getting ridiculous
Says the op, getting offended that so many of us understand why the friend is upset.

HaggisBurger · 25/04/2023 22:53

Maybe stop asking people if they are happy with stuff. It’s a slightly odd conversational gambit maybe.

Original poster

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 25/04/2023 22:59

Sixfaithfulservingfriends · 25/04/2023 22:53

Everyone is so offended these days, it really is getting ridiculous
Says the op, getting offended that so many of us understand why the friend is upset.

I'm not getting offended at all. You are giving me opinions which I asked for. Having an alternative view or disagreeing with me isn't offensive. It's just your opinion & I've considered the fact that some people view it differently than I do. I accept it, I just don't understand it.

I'm not overly bothered, just find it so tedious. I don't put that much though into text messages I receive. Just take them at face value. I guess many others don't .

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