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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's impossible to actually have conversations these days?

114 replies

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 25/04/2023 22:15

Can I just check if I am losing it?

Two instantances this week where I was pulled up on really well intended comments that we taken up the wrong way & I'm baffled.

Friend 1 sent me a photo of her new hairstyle. I replied, I really like the new colour. Are you happy with it?

The response I got was "should I not be? What's wrong with it? Why are you even asking me that? Tell me what you really think.

Friend B - we were talking about something that happened it the past and I said "you seemed happy about it"

Response "seemed? I am happy with it. Did you think I was pretending?"

Am I unreasonable or is my use of the English language really poor an insulting?

Both friends are genuinely annoyed & I've no idea why.

OP posts:
buckeejit · 25/04/2023 22:59

I have a friend who states things like you. She's a counsellor & it's very much counsellor speak to me & feels sometimes like she is withholding her actual opinion. I wouldn't think I was complaining by seeking clarification on your intentions.
I think that is a conversation.

Original poster
IAteAllTheTomatoes · 25/04/2023 23:03

HaggisBurger · 25/04/2023 22:53

Maybe stop asking people if they are happy with stuff. It’s a slightly odd conversational gambit maybe.

So asking people if they are happy is now offensive and odd. No longer viewed as an acceptable question?

If someone goes to a show or concert, can ask if they enjoyed it or us that unacceptable now too?

Are you worried about? Are you upset? All out too?

OP posts:
Original poster
IAteAllTheTomatoes · 25/04/2023 23:06

buckeejit · 25/04/2023 22:59

I have a friend who states things like you. She's a counsellor & it's very much counsellor speak to me & feels sometimes like she is withholding her actual opinion. I wouldn't think I was complaining by seeking clarification on your intentions.
I think that is a conversation.

Surely people ask their friends if they are happy, sad, worried etc? How they are feeling etc?

Most people I know do and I have never found it odd.

OP posts:
itsmylife7 · 25/04/2023 23:08

You need new friends OP. Of course you'd ask if they're happy with it,totally normal question to ask.

Greenfinch7 · 25/04/2023 23:09

"If someone goes to a show or concert, can ask if they enjoyed it or us that unacceptable now too?"

Of course that is fine, OP. but if someone plays a concert, and you hear it, and then say: "Did you enjoy it" they might think you were asking that because you couldn't honestly tell them that you loved it...

AtChoService · 25/04/2023 23:17

I can see where they'd be coming from, from that op, tbh.

VivX · 25/04/2023 23:28

Oh dear, I think I'd offend your friends, too.
If I'm talking with friends about a haircut or anything that they've had done , I always ask if they're happy with it.
The haircut is their thing, so of course asking their opinion of it is natural, imo.

"Seems" is partly idiomatic, isn't it? A bit like saying "you sound like you're pleased"... either way, it's harmless surely?

Your friends sound unnecessarily touchy, is this a regular issue? and I'd just ignore it and move on or have a low-key/light conversation about it with them when you next see them.

EllieM27 · 25/04/2023 23:34

For the first, I guess something like “Do you love it?” might have been received better. That leaves it open for her to talk more about it without being able to be interpreted as you implying she should be dissatisfied with it. Or at least, if she chose to interpret it that way it would be quite a reach.

I always read texts over a few times before sending them to make sure they can’t be misconstrued. A bit tedious yeah, but I try to remind myself that only I know my intent and text can be ambiguous so I need to be extra clear.

Goodread1 · 25/04/2023 23:34

Often over sensitivity can be a sign of undisguised and unaddressed emotional unstability traumas,
Too

I have a friend well used to get offended by hell of a lot othings too

I have distanced from this Batshit female

She is a headache frut cake

Ramunea · 25/04/2023 23:37

Lol

I think in these instances, it seems the doubt is already on your friends minds; you simply asking them their opinion on the subject touched a nerve.

saltandpepper86 · 25/04/2023 23:40

My Aunt asks 'are you happy with it' and similar questions when she doesnt like something.

The other one seems fine though

buckeejit · 25/04/2023 23:40

Of course people ask if others are happy etc but I can see it being read as almost passive aggressive or condescending-something close to 'well if you like it, that's all that matters'.

I don't like e.g. lying about something if I don't like it. Instead of saying 'I'm not a fan', I might say 'wow, congratulations on you new hairdo!GrinGrin'

KillerSandy · 25/04/2023 23:44

WordtoYoMumma · 25/04/2023 22:24

It depends a bit on context, but I think I might find "are you happy with it?" an odd response to a picture of my new hair do, it does sound a bit like you are testing the waters to see if your friend realises her new hairstyle is horrible 😂
The second one is just odd and sounds like semantics

AGREE!

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 25/04/2023 23:45

"Are you happy with it?" Generally means it's awful but as long as you like it I won't say anything.

Can see why your friends are slightly a prickly with you if you respond to them the same way you have on here.

Redebs · 25/04/2023 23:46

How about you try to gauge their feelings without asking outright OP?

Rather than asking if they like something they are showing you, see how they present it - are they pleased? doubtful? proud? annoyed?

Then try to find something sincere and positive to say about it.

FrozenGhost · 25/04/2023 23:51

Sorry OP but the first one sounded quite mean. PP is right that "do you love it" would have been better. Or maybe "you must be really happy with it".

Peachy2005 · 26/04/2023 00:00

1st friend probably just wanted you to gush about her hair: probably all her other friends were effusive.

I forget the exact details of what the second one was about but that friend “seems” tedious.

Dracuuule · 26/04/2023 00:06

Just send emojis from now on. Lots of hearts, smiley faces, hugs and thumbs ups.

Bashshell · 26/04/2023 00:08

Sounds like you meant well but you don’t sound very positive …I think your responses lack enthusiasm and asking me if I was happy with my new hair do would get me questioning it.

HyacinthBookay · 26/04/2023 00:08

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 25/04/2023 22:30

I think that's a stretch. I ask people are they happy with things all the time because I genuinely hope they are. We were talking last week about how she wanted to hanger her hair but had it the same was for so long that she wasn't sure if she would regret.

Everyone is so offended these days, it really is getting ridiculous.

Show quote history

Perhaps you should change it up a bit and start saying “you should be very happy with that” instead. Though, when I look at it that too seems a bit abrasive. Everything is abrasive on sm. I received a dodgy text from a friend today and reacted to it accordingly. We made peace at the end though.

the thing that gets to me is that in everyday life I can walk away from conflict, but on social media I feel I have to respond to negativity or something I think is wrong/mistaken/abusive. I don’t understand why this is. Ego?

NoName12345678 · 26/04/2023 00:10

A huge flaw in communicating by text is the lack of tone of voice. In your head you read a sentence in one tone of voice and it sounds enthusiastic and positive however the same sentence could also read flat and dubious of you were feeling insecure... it helps to use more emphatic language, or emojis, or perhaps respond by voice note instead. If you find text tedious then perhaps that's also coming across in unintended ways...

clockwatcher247 · 26/04/2023 00:17

I don't see a problem in either, in fact I would have said both of them myself.

Of course you want to know if your friend is happy with the hair she has spent time and money on. Many a time I have come out of a salon with not quite what I wanted.

Then by saying your other friend seemed happy was an observation. Only they would know if they were actually happy.

They sound so defensive. Shame. You do you and don't worry about it.

Indoorcatmum · 26/04/2023 00:32

I would have raised an eyebrow at both texts you sent, but particularly to friend A.

I don't think you have bad intentions, but your communication style seems like it could come across as a bit passive-aggressive.

If two people have taken issue, I would take it as a sign to make adjustments

IncompleteSenten · 26/04/2023 00:33

The problem with the first one is that it is such a well known way to tactfully respond when you don't like something that it's easy for people to think that's what you're doing.

I've done it myself. Something looks imo awful so I pick an element of it to praise and ask them if they like it.

The second one god knows. Unless you had a sneer on your face or a snark in your voice it sounds like they were oversensitive

DepartureLounge · 26/04/2023 01:11

I think you need to stop chatting to your friends by text and start talking to them instead. For whatever reason your texts aren't conveying the meaning you intended very well. It's not necessarily an objective thing anyone here can advise you on, probably just a mismatch between the particular way you express yourself and the particular way it sounds in your friends' heads. I don't understand how you can complain about the quality of your conversations when it doesn't seem like you're actually having any.