To think it's impossible to actually have conversations these days?

[IAteAllTheTomatoes]

Can I just check if I am losing it?

Two instantances this week where I was pulled up on really well intended comments that we taken up the wrong way & I'm baffled.

Friend 1 sent me a photo of her new hairstyle. I replied, I really like the new colour. Are you happy with it?

The response I got was "should I not be? What's wrong with it? Why are you even asking me that? Tell me what you really think.

Friend B - we were talking about something that happened it the past and I said "you seemed happy about it"

Response "seemed? I am happy with it. Did you think I was pretending?"

Am I unreasonable or is my use of the English language really poor an insulting?

Both friends are genuinely annoyed & I've no idea why.

My mother pulls the “are you happy with it” thing. I hate it.

It is annoying when people take things the wrong way when you don't intend it. I will say that the phrase 'are you happy with it?' after a hair cut or some other supposed improvement in appearance does come across a little like there could be a reason not to be happy about it. It just does, sorry. I think I'd wonder the same as your friend. When my friend had her braces taken off I said 'wow, they look great, you must be so happy!' Of course she'd be happy, they looked great. I would let ask 'are you happy with them?' as that would be suggesting there was reason for her not to be,

My partner just asks "are you happy with it" about my hair. But he finds it impossible to compliment me. You on the other hand, started with a definite compliment. For me, that was fine. Your second one could be misconstrued, as goading, or snidey. Texts are very often misinterpreted. Just stick to compliments!

@IAteAllTheTomatoes

Surely people ask their friends if they are happy, sad, worried etc? How they are feeling etc?

Of course but the positioning of "are you happy with it" in this situation immediately after a compliment is slightly odd. It is not a huge source of offense but it sounds as if you are opening the door to saying you don't like it. I've known people do this and it's made me slightly uncomfortable, like they are looking for an opportunity to say something negative.

Most people if they are genuinely paying a compliment will just pay it without qualifying or questioning it or trying to throw it back to the person.

I don't think you've done anything wrong but your way of complimenting people is a bit hesitant and lacking in conviction. Maybe people are just picking up on this.

Mm, I think possibly this might be a case of “no smoke without fire”, maybe you are asking this kind of thing a bit too much and it’s always coming across badly and they’ve only just now dared to say something to you about it? Clearly you don’t think there’s anything wrong in your delivery, but they do, so if you want to keep these friends you will have to change the way you speak a bit. For what it’s worth, if a friend sends me a picture of something new I do try to say something positive about it. Clearly they like it enough to share? I assume if someone isn’t happy about something they’d at least send me a message beforehand saying “God, I’ve done something stupid. Look at this!” I mean, even in such a situation surely a good friend would try to ease the blow and make out it looks okay? That’s what friends do. I would personally just say “That’s lovely, the colour really suits you! ♥️“ and if they then say they hate it, well, that’s their choice.

I wouldn’t personally be offended if you asked me if I was happy with my new hairdo, but it might make me second guess myself slightly to be honest. I’m far more at ease when the convo goes “Oh you’ve done your hair- looks great!” because my mum was old school and taught me it’s wrong to compliment oneself. Also I’d worry you hate it and my taste is being questioned. But like I said, that would be my insecurities speaking. I guess what I’m saying is that if you keep throwing out that question eventually I might be more reluctant to share things with you.

Both your comments seem slightly passive aggressive to me.

You are negotiating the linguistic swamp that contorts our conversations nowadays. If your friends choose to be crocodiles in the swamp snatching at what to you are innocuous words, they have made that choice. Conversations are possible provided both parties are prepared not to take immediate offence.

My kids tell me texts are angry because I use punctuation.

Offence is taken, not given.

For whatever reason - possibly nothin to do with you or anything you have said or done - they are spoiling for an argument.

Ignore.

I've switched to using "you must be delighted with it?" for stuff like this. Asks the question but is a compliment too iykwim. Much less likely to be misconstrued.

I will say that the phrase 'are you happy with it?' after a hair cut or some other supposed improvement in appearance does come across a little like there could be a reason not to be happy about it. It just does, sorry

Completely agree with this. After all, if the haircut and colour really is as fab as your first compliment then why would you need to even ask if they like it? "are you happy with it" to me, comes across as if you dont really like it AT ALL and are wondering if they also have doubts about it so you can then open up a convo about it. Saying "you must be so happy with it" or "So glad you love it" would be a far less ambiguous way of asking if they really do like it without this added implication.

Agree.

Second example I don’t get at all, first you used weird language.

The problem is text. It's a normal question. A friend who knows you would understand that you were interested in how she felt. She may not have been happy with it and her response might have been "I'm not sure - it the colour a bit dark??". It's a conversation.
But it is getting harder.

They’re being a bit sensitive yeah!

Agree with others. If you actually thought the haircut was great you wouldn’t ask “are you happy with it?” Because you’d know they would be. Why even comment on their feelings, it’s clear she likes it as she’s sending you a photo. If she was unhappy she’d have said something like “oh god, look what my hairdresser did to me!!” You are putting doubt into her mind as to whether she should be happy with it.

the second example we need more context. But why would you say “seemed”? Makes it sound like they weren’t but put on a good act? Why not just say, “you were so happy!” ?

I think your delivery comes across ruder than you think it does and this might be something to work on. I had to work on similar as I upset a few people in a row unintentionally but I now understand that I’m blunter than most and it doesn’t make people feel good.

First one sounded like you didn’t like the hair and was therefore questioning whether they like

Second one was just a weird thing to say.

You seemed happy about it … sounds like your questioning their feelings

Next time don't say "are you happy with it?" - say "love the colour, you must be delighted with it."

I hate texting for this, because there is no tone to it, it's easy to infer a different meaning than the one intended. That's why I litter my texts with emojis, so that people know my emotion. But even then it can be misread

This is similar to a conversation I have with my sister, she is one of life's permanently offended. A conversation with her deteriorates very quickly and you never know when or why. I don't talk to her unless I really have to because it's too much hard work.

It's not you, OP. I think it's their 'wounded inner child'. Have been listening to a podcast about it just now. People who perceive any comment as a criticism. The person involved will often reply defensively or even go on the attack. It's linked to their childhood experiences and has nothing to do with what you said, which was absolutely fine!

The fact that this has happened twice to you when talking about being happy about something suggests that’s it’s you not them that has an issue.
perhaps stop using that term in conversations- it is an odd thing to say ‘are you happy’ as it does suggest that they shouldn’t be.

If someone said ‘you seemed happy’ about when I got married for example - I would be thinking well I was happy, I think you have chosen those words deliberately as they both seem like a dig.
if you are repeatedly offending people ask yourself about your motivation for using that phrase?

I think I agree with most above about the first one, it was a weird question to throw in at that point. It does sound like you were unsure about the hair, so you were confirming. I have a friend at work who does this, who has been confronted by colleagues more than once about it, and she has a habit of talking about other people's appearances, which is generally speaking best to not do.

She said she does it for similar reasons as you've said here, but think about it - you're asking because YOU want to know they're happy; the question isn't about them, it's about you, which makes it quite a needy sort of question. And if you're talking about someone else's body and appearance really THEY need to lead the conversation, not you. As a role of thumb it's generally not ok to question other people about their physical appearances.

In this instance she obviously invited comment, but, I think we can presume that because she sent you a photo of herself with the hairdo that she was most likely happy with it, so the question was redundant - of course she was happy with it. Asking if she was happy with it was always likely to be misinterpreted. Don't ask the question next time - a nice, friendly comment would have ended after the first sentence, where you said you liked it. If she then wants to carry on with the conversation she can, it's her body, she only has to talk about it for the time that she wants to, she doesn't have to answer questions about it.

I don't agree with most here about the second comment, though - it was also a weird thing to say. The only time I can think of where that phraseology would have been appropriate would have been if he'd said "remember this place? I was so unhappy there" - "really? but you seemed so happy there". That's fine, that's normal. He says "remember this place?", and you say "yes, you seemed happy there" - weird. It's like you're saying he doesn't seem very happy now in comparison, and isn't that sad!

I think though that one you can just put down to a phrasing error though, once he's pointed it out, you say you didn't mean it like that, you both laugh because it was funny, move on.

Why do you talk like this? It’s annoying me just thinking about it.

In both examples you sound like you think they’re wrong to be happy and want them to know. Why can’t you just say “your hair looks lovely” or “it was great to see you so happy”

Your constant questioning of my feelings would drive me up the wall.

The first one would have me thinking you didn't really like it. I'll hold my hand up and say that's on me - I'm an overthinker and over analyser and I lack self confidence. I wouldn't have pulled you up on it though (unless you were my mother who for some reason I can't stop myself taking offence with!) because I'm not confident enough to do that, and also I'd think you were trying to be tactful rather than rude, but I would go away thinking you probably didn't like it. I believe you that it's not what you meant, but it's not a bad thing you knowing how other people may interpret things you say if they have more self doubt than you obviously do.

The second one is odder, but depends what you were talking about and tone of voice etc (or was it text). Is it something the person may have a bit of doubt about, or a 'chip on their shoulder '. It does seem overly defensive.

The emoji thing is ridiculous though!

This.

In your OP I think the first text I would take the same way as your friend. I would have said something like, ‘I bet you’re really happy with it’. The way you have phrased it sounds like others have said and implying you don’t think it’s great.