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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's impossible to actually have conversations these days?

114 replies

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 25/04/2023 22:15

Can I just check if I am losing it?

Two instantances this week where I was pulled up on really well intended comments that we taken up the wrong way & I'm baffled.

Friend 1 sent me a photo of her new hairstyle. I replied, I really like the new colour. Are you happy with it?

The response I got was "should I not be? What's wrong with it? Why are you even asking me that? Tell me what you really think.

Friend B - we were talking about something that happened it the past and I said "you seemed happy about it"

Response "seemed? I am happy with it. Did you think I was pretending?"

Am I unreasonable or is my use of the English language really poor an insulting?

Both friends are genuinely annoyed & I've no idea why.

OP posts:
Unicorn2022 · 26/04/2023 01:24

Both times your choice of words was odd. Asking people if they are happy with stuff in the way you do insinuates that you think they should not be happy.

With your friend's hair you could have said it looks lovely, you must be really happy with it.

With the second friend it would have sounded better if you said I remember how happy you were about it at the time.

SargentSagittarius · 26/04/2023 01:35

OP you’ve asked for opinions and now you’re refusing to accept or see that there may be a bit of nuance in the responses you sent your friends.

I would side-eye the first response too, if I’m honest.

My response would have been a more unequivocal, ‘I love it, hope you like it, too?’

The way you responded would definitely raise a question in my mind.

Unlike your friend though, I wouldn’t have gone back and questioned you.

gulz · 26/04/2023 02:03

bananaboats · 25/04/2023 22:40

I think the first example it sounds like you didn't like her hair and couldn't think of anything nice to say about it. Second example too hard to say without context.

Yeah this is exactly what I do when I'm trying to gently tell someone I care about that something sucks 😂 "I like the (one specific thing I can think of)... Are you happy with it?"

Second one the friend was overreacting imo

gulz · 26/04/2023 02:05

Having said that, if someone said "you seemed happy about it" i would also reply "seemed? I was happy" but i wouldn't be offended at all, just responding to her weird phrasing

Tinybrother · 26/04/2023 02:23

I think this is a text problem. You see it on MN threads all the time too. I doubt it would be an issue at all in person because your expression/tone would make your meaning unambiguous. You might think you are clear, but obviously your friends don’t. It is one reason why people use emojis. You don’t have to of course, I rarely do. But they can be used to add in an approximation of expression that might be lost in text.

snitzelvoncrumb · 26/04/2023 02:27

If the friends are always like this, don’t bother with them. Otherwise it was probably just a reaction to how they actually felt about the hair colour or situation. Just ignore.

Tinybrother · 26/04/2023 02:32

I kind of love the OP’s offence taken in response to friend taking offence. “you just can’t have a conversation these days” Grin

(emoji added to convey lightheartedness of response, and hopefully the OP isn’t offended by my amusement)

gulz · 26/04/2023 02:35

Tinybrother · 26/04/2023 02:32

I kind of love the OP’s offence taken in response to friend taking offence. “you just can’t have a conversation these days” Grin

(emoji added to convey lightheartedness of response, and hopefully the OP isn’t offended by my amusement)

I kinda agree 😂 it seems a teeny bit tiresome to keep banging on about a grand total of 2 incidences, rather than just clarify and move on. But then I guess we're all on MN as we're bored

Catsmere · 26/04/2023 03:22

Those are bizarre reactions. That’s exactly what I ask if someone has changed hairdo/colour, because it’s not a given that they’re happy with it at all. As PP have said, your friends sound touchy at best and like they’re looking for excuses to be offended. Very strange and definitely them, not you.

BadNomad · 26/04/2023 04:12

Welcome to my autistic world! I have those conversations all the time. It's baffling why everything has to be a potential insult. It's so exhausting.

Them: "What do you think of my new hairstyle?"
Me: "It's nice. That colour really suits you. What do you think of it?"
Them: "Why would you ask that? Do you not like it?"
Me: "I do! I was just checking that you like it too."
Them: "Why wouldn't I? Are you just saying you like it?"
Me: "No. I told you, it really suits you."
Them: "But why would you ask me if I like it if you think it's nice?"
Me: "Because."
Them: <stares>
Me: <looks at the wall>

In reality

Them: "What do you think of my new hairstyle?"
Me in my head: I didn't even notice it was different. I've no idea if it looks good or not. I have no interest in hair. But good manners dictates I must say something positive so I'll say it's nice and that it suits her. Then I'll ask her a question in return because that's how small talk works I believe. I'll ask her what she thinks of it so she can talk next.

Then it all goes to shit, and I never know if it's them, or just me being me.

changeme4this · 26/04/2023 04:14

I see nothing wrong in what you have asked. Quite often people are not happy with what they have left the hairdresser with and its rare someone doesn't have an opinion on what their hairdresser did or didn't do...

wrinkleintime · 26/04/2023 04:43

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 25/04/2023 23:03

So asking people if they are happy is now offensive and odd. No longer viewed as an acceptable question?

If someone goes to a show or concert, can ask if they enjoyed it or us that unacceptable now too?

Are you worried about? Are you upset? All out too?

Show quote history

Sounds like you think something has changed - "is now offensive and odd" - "is no longer acceptable". No-one writes down rules about this stuff. Human interaction hasn't changed that significantly.

I can sort of understand why someone might find it odd to be asked if they are happy with their new hair. All it really needs as a friend is to say you love it and move on, that gives a much more concrete message of 'your hair looks great'.

I can see that someone on the more sensitive/ insecure side might be a bit thrown by your comment.

Not sure about your second friend but I think you're all getting a bit too worked up about it to be honest! (Them about what you said and you about their reaction).

I would probably agree to stop asking people so much if they are happy with things, it's a bit intense.

BarbaraofSeville · 26/04/2023 05:17

It's because texting is not a suitable medium for conversation.

If you were actually speaking to each other, tone and body language adds to the conversation, which you don't get with texting.

Maybe talk about hairstyles when you're together or do video calls and save texting for just making meet up arrangements or similar.

HonestFeedback · 26/04/2023 05:33

OP it appears that you are quite a blunt and direct person who doesn't understand that other people could be sensitive about things you are not. Your friend was obviously seeking reassurance about her new hairstyle, so for you to ask if she's happy with it wasn't the expected response. Many people would interpret your text as meaning you were a bit iffy about it. The only polite response to "Do you like my new hairdo?' is "Yes, it looks great" - unless it's so bad you think she should go back to the hairdresser and complain/get it fixed.

Catspyjamas17 · 26/04/2023 05:40

I think if a friend sends you a photo of a new hairstyle or posts it on social media, you should assume they do like it and are looking for affirmation, unless it is clear from the accompanying text that they hate it and are looking for advice as to what to do.

Crazydoglady1980 · 26/04/2023 05:52

The problem with text messages is people put their own tone on it when they read it. Maybe friend one isn’t completely happy with it so read your text as critical and friend 2 wasn’t happy

Morestrangerthings · 26/04/2023 06:17

You have to be a bit more careful in a text conversation. And take care getting your meaning across. If people are taking offence perhaps you are better off speaking to them directly.

My sister recently sent me a pic of her new hairstyle asking me what I thought, I answered, "I love it. you look great." And then left it to her to offer up whether she was happy with it or not.

But I do think people have gotten a bit testier lately. Not everyone of course. But I think the pandemic, climate crisis, cost of living, shitty governments, institutions not functioning as well as they did pre-pandemic etc., has made many of us uneasy and a bit overwhelmed. And unease can lead to less patience, being quicker to anger or take offence etc.

artimesiasfootsteps · 26/04/2023 06:19

I never have people chastise me for things I say, so I think it’s a you problem, rather than a them problem.

It’s also telling that when people explain how they perceive what you said to your friend could be rude, you get defensive.

If you are offending friends/colleagues etc often, the common denominator is you.

I have an acquaintance like this. Whose tone, delivery and comments are often rude, and frequently gets negative reactions to her rudeness, but thinks everyone is too sensitive not that she’s rude. I have been slowly phasing her out as she is equally defensive and I have other friends who aren’t defensive and polite I’d rather spend time with.

mainsfed · 26/04/2023 06:25

Even judging by the responses, it seems that some people don't take things at face value and over analysis minor things and assume things are implied that aren't.

I'm not getting offended at all.

You are totally getting offended, OP. I think the fact that friends were unhappy about you making a comment about their happiness tells you that you do need to reframe your words.

ladymaiasura · 26/04/2023 06:33

Even judging by the responses, it seems that some people don't take things at face value and over analysis minor things and assume things are implied that aren't.

This is true in my experience, especially when communicating by text when tone of voice and non verbal cues are missing. It happens a lot here on MN, state a fact and then someone goes off on a rant about what they think you mean. And the more emotive the subject, the more likely this is to happen.

Perhaps your friend wasn’t happy about the haircut and you touched a nerve…

Greentree1 · 26/04/2023 06:33

It's very difficult getting intent across in short messages, hence the use of emojis to add feelings. I've been told using full stops is now bad as it's too abrupt and stops the conversation (really!).

I'm sure you didn't mean it but In both cases it could be taken as questioning what they had done. Unfortunate that was the way it was taken, all you can do is say you didn't mean it like that.

Is that the usual way you converse? I have a friend who talks a lot in questions, it does feel a bit like doubting me or interrogating me sometimes.

MathsNervous · 26/04/2023 06:37

Snooks1971 · 25/04/2023 22:43

This is how I read it too.

Show quote history

Agree. If you had said "wow that's lovely, really nice hair colour there". It's a concrete way of being positive and cannot be misconstrued.

MathsNervous · 26/04/2023 06:38

If you ask a question back at your friend it implies that you are not keen on the hair colour.

LittleCatSing · 26/04/2023 06:39

HaggisBurger · 25/04/2023 22:53

Maybe stop asking people if they are happy with stuff. It’s a slightly odd conversational gambit maybe.

This
It's introducing an element of doubt, but in a PA way.

Do you like my new hair
"Ooooh lovely, really suits you"

"Are you happy with it"

Sounds sneery and slightly negging

GarlicGrace · 26/04/2023 06:40

I'm with you! I nearly started a thread just now about how people don't seem to understand generalisations any more. Especially if it's about men, but any other group will do.

It doesn't even stop at NAMALT these days. There's always some logically-challenged nitpicker to rabbit on that generalisations are invalid if there are any exceptions (which is a generalisation itself!) The same type of fool fails to understand what averages are for, and can't grasp hypotheticals or metaphors.

I am slowly falling silent because this is all soooo fucking tedious!

I needed that Grin Thanks.

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