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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think it's impossible to actually have conversations these days?

114 replies

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 25/04/2023 22:15

Can I just check if I am losing it?

Two instantances this week where I was pulled up on really well intended comments that we taken up the wrong way & I'm baffled.

Friend 1 sent me a photo of her new hairstyle. I replied, I really like the new colour. Are you happy with it?

The response I got was "should I not be? What's wrong with it? Why are you even asking me that? Tell me what you really think.

Friend B - we were talking about something that happened it the past and I said "you seemed happy about it"

Response "seemed? I am happy with it. Did you think I was pretending?"

Am I unreasonable or is my use of the English language really poor an insulting?

Both friends are genuinely annoyed & I've no idea why.

OP posts:
Theeaglesoared · 26/04/2023 07:51

Just be nice. Say it looks lovely. No need to ask if they're happy with it - they'd tell you if they weren't.

SquashedSquashess · 26/04/2023 07:58

A slightly different issue, but linked to the difficulty of conversation, is I find people don’t know how to respond if you disagree with them. I expect this is because many of us like to find support for our own views in an online echo chamber.

I don’t go out looking for disagreement, but I’ve noticed people often state opinions as fact. If I disagree with an opinion, I’ll calmly say so (literally just “oh I don’t agree actually”). Most often it causes an uncomfortable silence, but it isn’t really my problem if people can’t consider the idea someone might not agree with their subjective opinion. It is frustrating though that we’ve lost the art of calm (or at least not personal) debate

Original poster
IAteAllTheTomatoes · 26/04/2023 08:03

I'm surprised by a lot of the comments, especially those saying it's weird phrasing or asking why I talk like that, that it's passive agressive or a needy question or it's more about me than them.

It really is just a question! A sincere one too. To me, It's important that people are happy regardless of what others think anyway. Maybe I just don't seek reassurance on things, if I'm happy woth my hair, I really don't care what others think. I don't mind their opinions but I don't need others to confirm my own thoughts.

The topic is so trival, I'm just surprised these things matter so much to some people.

For what it's worth, I woke up to a text from friend 2 saying sorry, he was tired & cranky last night, thought he was happy with the situation but is now having second thoughts.

OP posts:
Strugglingtodomybest · 26/04/2023 08:07

CrunchyCarrot · 26/04/2023 07:34

It's not you, OP. I think it's their 'wounded inner child'. Have been listening to a podcast about it just now. People who perceive any comment as a criticism. The person involved will often reply defensively or even go on the attack. It's linked to their childhood experiences and has nothing to do with what you said, which was absolutely fine!

Do you have a link for this please. It may help me to understand my mum.

OP, I think you sound like a lovely friend, showing interest in your friend's feelings on things.

As a pp said, I'd have replied to "are you happy with it?" with something like "as happy as I ever am after being to the hairdresser's, but I'm sure I'll get used to it!".

I can't bear all this "what are you implying " shit. In my head I always think, I wasn't implying anything, do you think so little of me that you think I'd resort to passive aggression?

Simplelobsterhat · 26/04/2023 08:16

IAteAllTheTomatoes · 26/04/2023 08:03

I'm surprised by a lot of the comments, especially those saying it's weird phrasing or asking why I talk like that, that it's passive agressive or a needy question or it's more about me than them.

It really is just a question! A sincere one too. To me, It's important that people are happy regardless of what others think anyway. Maybe I just don't seek reassurance on things, if I'm happy woth my hair, I really don't care what others think. I don't mind their opinions but I don't need others to confirm my own thoughts.

The topic is so trival, I'm just surprised these things matter so much to some people.

For what it's worth, I woke up to a text from friend 2 saying sorry, he was tired & cranky last night, thought he was happy with the situation but is now having second thoughts.

Ok so you did hit a nerve in the second one by the sound of it. That's not your fault so glad he apologised, but it explains the reaction.

With the first one, maybe take on board that although you mean it sincerely, many people on here says they would take it as your friend did, even if they wouldn't let on to you it made them feel that way.

GeekyThings · 26/04/2023 08:17

Maybe I just don't seek reassurance on things, if I'm happy woth my hair, I really don't care what others think. I don't mind their opinions but I don't need others to confirm my own thoughts.

But by asking if they're happy with it, you're seeking reassurance. You may not seek reassurance on your own looks, but you do about other people's feelings and whether or not they match yours. It's still reassurance.

the80sweregreat · 26/04/2023 08:28

I'm also fed up with people contradicting me all the time about things , so I tend to try and watch I say. I have noticed people are much more spiky since the pandemic too
I have given up on some people as you can never say the right thing to them , yet it's fine for them to be forthright with you or whatever

GretaGood · 26/04/2023 08:28

Are you happy with it implies You might not be / you don't like it but hope she does

You seemed happy implies 'You seemed happy but do I sense regrets?' /You seemed happy but from what you say now you may not have been?'

I wouldn't discuss with someone if they are happy. Instead I would congratulate them, admire them, be pleased for them, just say that's great.

It's your choice of language OP.

pizzaHeart · 26/04/2023 08:39

itsayouproblem · 25/04/2023 22:39

Also, you're example isn't an example of it being "impossible to actually have a conversation" - you asked a question, it was slightly shady. You got asked some questions back.

If it's ok for you to ask if she's happy about her hair then it's ok for her to ask why you're asking that.

That's a conversation.

I agree with this 100% ^.
Your question was weird so she rightly asked for clarification.

DrManhattan · 26/04/2023 08:46

You sound really awkward and defensive

gulz · 26/04/2023 14:14

I genuinely feel that the fact that you're overanalysing their instinctive responses in detail (and generalising it into an "everyone else but me" thing) says a lot, though... It seems that in the long term, you're more offended than they were honestly.

It's not even clear that your first friend was offended. Maybe she was asking you a clarifying question.

I also have pet phrases / favoured ways of speaking that have offended or made people misunderstand. If I realise it happens more than once or twice, I just change the way I speak. No sweat, no fuss.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 26/04/2023 20:02

I think it's slightly off to ask if they're happy with their hair. I'd have opted for 'how does it make you feel?' Or 'do you feel great or what?'

Sartre · 05/05/2023 15:36

First one was a bit of a weird thing to say because I think if someone is sending you a photo of their new hair it’s because they really like it. Second one just sounds like an arsey friend.

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