Page 6 | DP wants to take DD3 to spain for a week without me

letmeeatcrisps · 2023-04-25T19:55:47+00:00

this has all happened so quickly but we (me DP DD3 and DS1) were booked to fly to Spain tomorrow for SIL wedding on saturday dp booked the flights but did not check the passport requirements and he has just realised DS1 can’t go I’ve been told by DP and family the only option is he takes DD3 for the week. this leaves me and DS1 stuck on our own in a rural location(i moved to DPs home country) with no family nearby and no car for a week my DD is very sensitive and I hate the way my in laws talk to her - correcting her age appropriate speech impediments etc - I would definitely worry about her being made to feel a nuisance am I overthinking it ? ?? I feel like everyone is putting SIL feelings about her wedding over the feelings of my DD DD does not want to leave us but she has been told there is a swimming pool so she all excited and has her swimming costume and goggles on ready to go :( AIBU? Should I let them go and try to enjoy doing less laundry for a week? Is it unfair for them to say her feelings are irrelevant ? They said “don’t ask her what she wants, she’s 3” are my feelings valid here, that id rather she be informed and asked for her preference (I know she would choose to stay with me and her brother if the swimming pool hadn’t been mentioned)? is it relevant that the wedding is a small ceremony only, “no gifts and no dressing up”, “for legal purposes only” so I don’t feel that bad about missing it?!? pls don’t be too brutal I’m feeling really sad at the thought of saying goodbye tomorrow !!

Tourmalines · 27/04/2023 13:27

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 25/04/2023 22:09

@letmeeatcrisps No I wouldn’t let my three year old go. It’s too long to be away from her mother and amongst people she doesn’t know that well. I’d be concerned about parental abduction as well if you’re in his country.

Get real , she’s with her father !

DepartureLounge · 27/04/2023 13:32

nomoredriving · 27/04/2023 13:25

@DepartureLounge why the hate? Because you're intimating a parent isn't able to look after their own child! That's a bloody nasty awful assumption!

Oh ffs, it's like swimming pool accidents never happen, which we know is untrue. The DD was super excited about the pool. There's going to be a wedding. People will be busy and preoccupied and probably drinking. It's a valid concern. Not a "bloody nasty awful assumption". Don't be so ridiculous and melodramatic.

If the DD is definitely going to be well supervised then OP can ignore everything I said. She's the only person here who's in a position to make that judgement.

Sheesh, this place. The number of people just prowling around looking for a fight about nothing is bizarre.

MintJulia · 27/04/2023 13:33

Howabsolutelyfanfuckingtastic · 25/04/2023 21:29

Stay at home with both children and DH can go to the wedding himself.

This.

Your DD is only 3. She wants to go because she's been bribed with a promise of a swimming pool. But a big wedding in a family environment where she is spoken down to and criticised is not going to be fun for such a little one. And a week is a long time to be away from her mum, in an unfamiliar environment, and with a critical bunch of adults around her.

Under those circumstances, I'd keep my little one at home.

RedHelenB · 27/04/2023 13:36

SaveMeFromForearms · 25/04/2023 21:01

I would just let them go and tell them to have a lovely time.

This.

NerrSnerr · 27/04/2023 13:36

@MintJulia read the thread. Her husband and daughter are already in Spain!

ReadersD1gest · 27/04/2023 14:28

DepartureLounge · 27/04/2023 13:21

If he'd posted here worried about the trip, said he was concerned the ILs view his DD as "a nuisance" and mentioned how the DD was overexcited about the swimming pool - sure I would.

It sounds like you think you've been very clever spotting an example of inverted sexism in a fellow MNer but you've missed your mark, sorry.

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I don't think I've been "clever" in the least (how weird).
I think your post shows your experience of decent men who are perfectly capable of keeping their own children alive, which is an extremely low bar to begin with, is sadly lacking.
Ridiculous to project in this way, though, whatever the limitations you experience yourself.

nomoredriving · 27/04/2023 14:29

@DepartureLounge of course she can ignore you, they've gone!

IamnotSethRogan · 27/04/2023 14:58

And we had no time to prepare for it or discuss it before she left at 6am today

I actually think that was for the best, in the gentlest way possible, I think this may have made it worse. It's better she skips off merrily not thinking about it too much than having a big chat about how mummy won't be around for a week. I see a lot of people putting their own anxieties onto children this way.

Anonymous48 · 27/04/2023 15:14

IamnotSethRogan · 27/04/2023 14:58

And we had no time to prepare for it or discuss it before she left at 6am today

I actually think that was for the best, in the gentlest way possible, I think this may have made it worse. It's better she skips off merrily not thinking about it too much than having a big chat about how mummy won't be around for a week. I see a lot of people putting their own anxieties onto children this way.

I agree. What's to discuss?

"OK, you're going with Daddy to the wedding and I'm going to stay here with your brother. I will see you in a few days. Have a lovely time! I love you."

There's nothing else to "discuss" with a 3 year old, surely?

Confusion101 · 29/04/2023 02:00

DepartureLounge · 27/04/2023 11:29

About as "dim" as all the other people whose children die in tragic swimming pool accidents because people are distracted, or think someone else is watching the child, or don't realise their child has been watching how the adults open the safety gate, or aren't supervising their child's safety closely enough because they're used to the other parent doing all of that stuff?

It's not about dimness. The dim thing is pretending such things don't happen.

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What a disgusting comment!! Sounds like you are blaming parents for a tragic accident like a child drowning! Disgusting!!!

Nobody is pretending that accidents don't happen! Absolutely nobody is saying that. Thankfully OP doesn't have the same disgusting mindset you have and her DD is now enjoying a holiday with her father!

SparklyBlackKitten · 29/04/2023 07:01

Such drama.
He is taking his dd on a holiday.
Sounds freaking awesome. You are worried about the separation. Not your dd.

And you'll survive 1 week with 1 kid. Its not hard.

The fact you didn't know you needed a passport for a baby is like you have been living underneath a rock ...

And re driving: well. This is exactly why you should get a license. How are you going to handle when something happens to your kids and you cant drive them to a hospital. Sorry but with kids you need a license.

mainsfed · 29/04/2023 07:11

SparklyBlackKitten · 29/04/2023 07:01

Such drama.
He is taking his dd on a holiday.
Sounds freaking awesome. You are worried about the separation. Not your dd.

And you'll survive 1 week with 1 kid. Its not hard.

The fact you didn't know you needed a passport for a baby is like you have been living underneath a rock ...

And re driving: well. This is exactly why you should get a license. How are you going to handle when something happens to your kids and you cant drive them to a hospital. Sorry but with kids you need a license.

It was DH sorting out the tickets/passports, why are you having a go at the OP? Is everything a woman’s job to you?

DepartureLounge · 29/04/2023 08:54

Confusion101 · 29/04/2023 02:00

What a disgusting comment!! Sounds like you are blaming parents for a tragic accident like a child drowning! Disgusting!!!

Nobody is pretending that accidents don't happen! Absolutely nobody is saying that. Thankfully OP doesn't have the same disgusting mindset you have and her DD is now enjoying a holiday with her father!

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I was saying literally the opposite. It was the pp who suggested that any concern about a pool accident was an insinuation of dimness. You should probably reread before you go off at the deep end.

Mortimercat · 29/04/2023 09:10

letmeeatcrisps · 26/04/2023 00:26

ok thanks mumsnet I am relieved that most people would be totally ok with this
I think she will love it, as long as she gets enough affection to make up for me not being there , shes very adventurous and always enjoys flying with me to see my family
I didn’t realise ds would need a passport as frankly was preoccupied with my return to work and we fly all the time domestically so it didn’t really cross my mind

i find MIl and SIL bossy at the best of times - Did not like the assertion that this is the “only option” - and DP is difficult towards me but generally he is good with her
Although not quite as attentive as I am - and I have seen my fair share of inattentive dads at the playground etc so yes that can be a concern

-for those wondering, no i don’t drive, so yes am dependant on DP for lifts to town (1.5 miles away, I don’t really mind the walk but it can be a bit bleak to be so far out)

I still cannot fathom why a couple of adults did not know they need a passport in order to travel to another country. I mean you knew you had passports didn’t you and your daughter. I can’t understand how not one but both of you didn’t think that the other person travelling on this trip would need one.

To your actual dilemma, frankly I can’t believe you are thinking of punishing your daughter by depriving her of this trip because of your (both of you that is) utter stupidity.

Original poster

letmeeatcrisps · 29/04/2023 10:03

Mortimercat · 29/04/2023 09:10

I still cannot fathom why a couple of adults did not know they need a passport in order to travel to another country. I mean you knew you had passports didn’t you and your daughter. I can’t understand how not one but both of you didn’t think that the other person travelling on this trip would need one.

To your actual dilemma, frankly I can’t believe you are thinking of punishing your daughter by depriving her of this trip because of your (both of you that is) utter stupidity.

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why so rude, I’ve explained why it didn’t cross my mind to get a passport (because I have flown alone with both kids to Scotland, Ireland and England multiple times, and because I’ve just returned to work so I’m preoccupied with that, and because it was a trip my DP booked to see his family, I left the admin to him )
and as for everyone rolling their eyes that I dont drive - I lived my whole life in cities and walked / cycled / took public transport everywhere
not everyone is financially priveleged / able bodied enough to drive, living in a city I know plenty of parents who don’t have cars, some by choice and some by circumstance. I’ve never encountered so much snobbery towards people who don’t drive anywhere other than mumsnet ! Don’t forget the true middle class choice is to cycle your kids everywhere, driving your kids to school everyday and contributing to climate change is very last century…

anyway - snark over, DD is doing great, she’s having a lovely time with her cousins, we video chat everyday and she’s in a great mood every time I see her, DS is lapping up the one on one time with me, and I am thrilled that my partner has now done bedtime three days in a row with DD, nice to get some actual parenting out of him for once (suspect MiL and SIL are doing most of it but hey)

OP posts:

NewDogOwner · 29/04/2023 10:25

He is a fanny but let her go with her dad and have a fun time. You can enjoy time with your baby who can have your undivided attention; your partner can bond with your daughter. Try looking at it like a win win. Get lots of supplies in before they go so you don't need anything.

Mortimercat · 29/04/2023 10:29

letmeeatcrisps · 29/04/2023 10:03

why so rude, I’ve explained why it didn’t cross my mind to get a passport (because I have flown alone with both kids to Scotland, Ireland and England multiple times, and because I’ve just returned to work so I’m preoccupied with that, and because it was a trip my DP booked to see his family, I left the admin to him )
and as for everyone rolling their eyes that I dont drive - I lived my whole life in cities and walked / cycled / took public transport everywhere
not everyone is financially priveleged / able bodied enough to drive, living in a city I know plenty of parents who don’t have cars, some by choice and some by circumstance. I’ve never encountered so much snobbery towards people who don’t drive anywhere other than mumsnet ! Don’t forget the true middle class choice is to cycle your kids everywhere, driving your kids to school everyday and contributing to climate change is very last century…

anyway - snark over, DD is doing great, she’s having a lovely time with her cousins, we video chat everyday and she’s in a great mood every time I see her, DS is lapping up the one on one time with me, and I am thrilled that my partner has now done bedtime three days in a row with DD, nice to get some actual parenting out of him for once (suspect MiL and SIL are doing most of it but hey)

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Well I went to Essex last weekend without any photo ID, I still know I need a passport to go to the USA. 🙄

ReadersD1gest · 29/04/2023 10:32

NewDogOwner · 29/04/2023 10:25

He is a fanny but let her go with her dad and have a fun time. You can enjoy time with your baby who can have your undivided attention; your partner can bond with your daughter. Try looking at it like a win win. Get lots of supplies in before they go so you don't need anything.

Why is he a fanny? 😂. Op didn't understand that her son needed a passport to travel to Spain either.

MrsSkylerWhite · 29/04/2023 10:38

letmeeatcrisps · 26/04/2023 00:37
Although I am not looking forward to being alone for seven days with just DS! There is a playgroup within walking distance on Fridays and maybe I could ask a friend to pop into us over the weekend but otherwise it will just be me and DS for an entire week, that is really quite daunting :”

Why is a week with your son daunting?

Tilliemolly · 29/04/2023 11:01

I think you need to let them go, try not to be a clingy mum, she will be with her dad, let it be, enjoy some alone time with your son, it will be nice.

user1496146479 · 29/04/2023 11:13

Favouritefruits · 26/04/2023 18:58

I wouldn’t want to be without my child for that long so I’d let my DH go but not my child, but that’s just me, do what feels right for you, don’t be swayed by other people!

Assume it's your husband's child too!