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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to take DD3 to spain for a week without me

146 replies

letmeeatcrisps · 25/04/2023 20:55

this has all happened so quickly but we (me DP DD3 and DS1) were booked to fly to Spain tomorrow for SIL wedding on saturday
dp booked the flights but did not check the passport requirements and he has just realised DS1 can’t go
I’ve been told by DP and family the only option is he takes DD3 for the week.
this leaves me and DS1 stuck on our own in a rural location(i moved to DPs home country) with no family nearby and no car for a week
my DD is very sensitive and I hate the way my in laws talk to her - correcting her age appropriate speech impediments etc - I would definitely worry about her being made to feel a nuisance
am I overthinking it ? ?? I feel like everyone is putting SIL feelings about her wedding over the feelings of my DD
DD does not want to leave us but she has been told there is a swimming pool so she all excited and has her swimming costume and goggles on ready to go :(
AIBU? Should I let them go and try to enjoy doing less laundry for a week? Is it unfair for them to say her feelings are irrelevant ? They said “don’t ask her what she wants, she’s 3”
are my feelings valid here, that id rather she be informed and asked for her preference (I know she would choose to stay with me and her brother if the swimming pool hadn’t been mentioned)?
is it relevant that the wedding is a small ceremony only, “no gifts and no dressing up”, “for legal purposes only” so I don’t feel that bad about missing it?!?
pls don’t be too brutal I’m feeling really sad at the thought of saying goodbye tomorrow !!

OP posts:
marcopront · 26/04/2023 18:30

Maybe not many

MMmomDD · 26/04/2023 18:39

Completely odd topic - but if I moved
somewhere without public with kids and were reliant on my partner for getting around - first thing I’d make sure is to learn to drive. As a matter of urgency.
And I hate driving as was in an accident.
In emergency situation - if something happens to your H - you need to be able to drive your kids to hospital, etc.
No?

Anonymous48 · 26/04/2023 18:40

"I trust the in laws will keep a close eye and give her lots of attention"

"I hope she doesn’t feel too abandoned"

Am I misunderstanding? She's with her father, right?

EasterBreak · 26/04/2023 18:42

Wait, you didn't realise your son would need a passport to fly? How?!

Favouritefruits · 26/04/2023 18:58

I wouldn’t want to be without my child for that long so I’d let my DH go but not my child, but that’s just me, do what feels right for you, don’t be swayed by other people!

SaveMeFromForearms · 26/04/2023 19:14

Even though it would be a great experience for your child @Favouritefruits ?

Maray1967 · 26/04/2023 19:14

SaveMeFromForearms · 26/04/2023 13:41

You sound incredibly overbearing and controlling @Maray1967

So are we saying that only perfect parents are allowed to take their kids on solo trips then? Is the OP perfect? I doubt it.

Perhaps I am. But I’m aware that GPs can really upset a child and that husbands ( their sons) can ignore it. I realised pretty quickly that it would be better if I was there as well.
the OP has said he doesn’t step up and intervene.

CheersForThatEh · 26/04/2023 19:21

I think she should go if you think she will be safe. But I would be so so sad to say goodbye for that long so I do understand ❤

Try and plan a schedule with DS. PE, arts and crafts, lego, tv, playground, reading. Mix it up each day but have it in your head in 30 minute slots what you will do each day and the time will fly.

NerrSnerr · 26/04/2023 19:21

Favouritefruits · 26/04/2023 18:58

I wouldn’t want to be without my child for that long so I’d let my DH go but not my child, but that’s just me, do what feels right for you, don’t be swayed by other people!

It's big of you that you'd let your grown adult husband go away.

nomoredriving · 26/04/2023 19:24

@Maray1967 you married badly, that's on you! But not everyone has....

Anyway they've gone and are having fun!

nighthawk99 · 26/04/2023 19:26

This seems to be all about you, as everyone else wants DD to you, including the girl herself! Stop being so selfish!

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 26/04/2023 20:19

I hope she doesn’t feel too abandoned / homesick doing the full week there.

hmm, nope. It’s definitely you feeling abandoned. I find it so bizarre that you are projecting problems already.

I also find it so depressing that there’s so many women who don’t believe their husbands can parent their own children.

ReadersD1gest · 26/04/2023 20:23

Maray1967 · 26/04/2023 19:14

Perhaps I am. But I’m aware that GPs can really upset a child and that husbands ( their sons) can ignore it. I realised pretty quickly that it would be better if I was there as well.
the OP has said he doesn’t step up and intervene.

Show quote history

I think it's a you thing, not an everybody thing. Or even a most people thing.
I don't know any lily livered men like this, and I certainly wouldn't have had children with one.

DepartureLounge · 26/04/2023 20:39

With all the excitement surrounding the wedding, I would want to be 1000% sure that in your absence your DD will be rigorously supervised near that pool she's so pleased about. There will be a lot of distractions and probably a fair bit of alcohol being consumed. Hope your DP is totally on it, OP.

nomoredriving · 26/04/2023 20:42

DepartureLounge · 26/04/2023 20:39

With all the excitement surrounding the wedding, I would want to be 1000% sure that in your absence your DD will be rigorously supervised near that pool she's so pleased about. There will be a lot of distractions and probably a fair bit of alcohol being consumed. Hope your DP is totally on it, OP.

It's his child, so I am sure he is!

ReadersD1gest · 26/04/2023 20:43

DepartureLounge · 26/04/2023 20:39

With all the excitement surrounding the wedding, I would want to be 1000% sure that in your absence your DD will be rigorously supervised near that pool she's so pleased about. There will be a lot of distractions and probably a fair bit of alcohol being consumed. Hope your DP is totally on it, OP.

How dim do you imagine this guy is?!

DepartureLounge · 27/04/2023 11:29

ReadersD1gest · 26/04/2023 20:43

How dim do you imagine this guy is?!

Show quote history

About as "dim" as all the other people whose children die in tragic swimming pool accidents because people are distracted, or think someone else is watching the child, or don't realise their child has been watching how the adults open the safety gate, or aren't supervising their child's safety closely enough because they're used to the other parent doing all of that stuff?

It's not about dimness. The dim thing is pretending such things don't happen.

mindutopia · 27/04/2023 11:47

She'll be absolutely fine. I started to take mine away without dh at 8 months with youngest (we also went to Spain) and I left dd for 2 weeks at 16 months to go to Australia for work. All fine and they had a great time every time - as did I went I got a break too.

ReadersD1gest · 27/04/2023 11:57

DepartureLounge · 27/04/2023 11:29

About as "dim" as all the other people whose children die in tragic swimming pool accidents because people are distracted, or think someone else is watching the child, or don't realise their child has been watching how the adults open the safety gate, or aren't supervising their child's safety closely enough because they're used to the other parent doing all of that stuff?

It's not about dimness. The dim thing is pretending such things don't happen.

Show quote history

So she'd be perfectly safe if her Mum was there instead of her Dad? Would you have even raised that question if op said she'd be taking her daughter while the Dad stayed home?

nomoredriving · 27/04/2023 13:19

@DepartureLounge are you seriously saying you wouldn't trust the father of your child with being able to look after them? If so, why did you have children with him?

DepartureLounge · 27/04/2023 13:21

ReadersD1gest · 27/04/2023 11:57

So she'd be perfectly safe if her Mum was there instead of her Dad? Would you have even raised that question if op said she'd be taking her daughter while the Dad stayed home?

Show quote history

If he'd posted here worried about the trip, said he was concerned the ILs view his DD as "a nuisance" and mentioned how the DD was overexcited about the swimming pool - sure I would.

It sounds like you think you've been very clever spotting an example of inverted sexism in a fellow MNer but you've missed your mark, sorry.

nomoredriving · 27/04/2023 13:22

@DepartureLounge really?? 🤔

DepartureLounge · 27/04/2023 13:23

nomoredriving · 27/04/2023 13:19

@DepartureLounge are you seriously saying you wouldn't trust the father of your child with being able to look after them? If so, why did you have children with him?

What's all the hate for me? It's not my thread. Who says I even have children, or a partner?

OP had concerns about this trip and how well looked after her DD would be without her there. Perhaps in the world of perfect MNers with perfect marriages, that's unheard of, in which case perhaps those of you who can't fathom what could possibly go wrong have nothing to offer the thread.

nomoredriving · 27/04/2023 13:25

@DepartureLounge why the hate? Because you're intimating a parent isn't able to look after their own child! That's a bloody nasty awful assumption!

nomoredriving · 27/04/2023 13:26

but I trust the in laws will keep a close eye and give her lots of attention to make up for the sudden separation

@DepartureLounge this was also said by the OP! I think she's the one with the issue but she doesn't actually know what it is

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