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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to take DD3 to spain for a week without me

146 replies

letmeeatcrisps · 25/04/2023 20:55

this has all happened so quickly but we (me DP DD3 and DS1) were booked to fly to Spain tomorrow for SIL wedding on saturday
dp booked the flights but did not check the passport requirements and he has just realised DS1 can’t go
I’ve been told by DP and family the only option is he takes DD3 for the week.
this leaves me and DS1 stuck on our own in a rural location(i moved to DPs home country) with no family nearby and no car for a week
my DD is very sensitive and I hate the way my in laws talk to her - correcting her age appropriate speech impediments etc - I would definitely worry about her being made to feel a nuisance
am I overthinking it ? ?? I feel like everyone is putting SIL feelings about her wedding over the feelings of my DD
DD does not want to leave us but she has been told there is a swimming pool so she all excited and has her swimming costume and goggles on ready to go :(
AIBU? Should I let them go and try to enjoy doing less laundry for a week? Is it unfair for them to say her feelings are irrelevant ? They said “don’t ask her what she wants, she’s 3”
are my feelings valid here, that id rather she be informed and asked for her preference (I know she would choose to stay with me and her brother if the swimming pool hadn’t been mentioned)?
is it relevant that the wedding is a small ceremony only, “no gifts and no dressing up”, “for legal purposes only” so I don’t feel that bad about missing it?!?
pls don’t be too brutal I’m feeling really sad at the thought of saying goodbye tomorrow !!

OP posts:
greenwichvillage · 26/04/2023 13:32

I think you are over thinking it, your DD's father will be with her so why are you worrying. Look at this time alone with your DS as quality bonding time.
I took my 3 year DD away for the weekend to Euro Disney and left my DH with my 6 month old son. He was perfectly fine with his dad and my DH really enjoyed the quality time he had with his son.

SaveMeFromForearms · 26/04/2023 13:41

You sound incredibly overbearing and controlling @Maray1967

So are we saying that only perfect parents are allowed to take their kids on solo trips then? Is the OP perfect? I doubt it.

Justcallmebebes · 26/04/2023 13:50

drpet49 · 25/04/2023 21:08

Me too. It will be nice for your DD to have one on one time with their dad.

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This. It would be really mean to keep her back because of her parents balls up

5128gap · 26/04/2023 14:10

If the choice is between DH goes with DD or DH goes alone, then I'd think it would be far easier for you to be left behind with one child than two. So I'd be encouraging him to take her for that reason!
I also agree with your in laws about the weight DDs opinion should carry. She is far too young to make her own decision on this, as she has no conception of what she's refusing or agreeing to.
Its up to you to decide in her interests; and if her father is a trusted responsible parent, I struggle to see how she'd get more from being stuck at home than having the opportunity to experience the holiday.

Original poster
letmeeatcrisps · 26/04/2023 14:54

great, thank you for the variety of responses it’s really helped put my mind at ease !
DD was super keen which was the deciding factor for me, I don’t think she fully understands what 7 days away from mummy is, but I trust the in laws will keep a close eye and give her lots of attention to make up for the sudden separation

they are in Spain now and she is loving it. I am enjoying spending time with DS. I hope she doesn’t feel too abandoned / homesick doing the full week there. Right now I’m feeling optimistic. Thanks everyone.

OP posts:
ReadersD1gest · 26/04/2023 14:59

She's with her Dad. Why would she feel abandoned??

Redebs · 26/04/2023 15:01

That's lovely. I'm sure she's having a great time. Get your husband to send lots of photos so you can talk about it with her when she gets back 😊

Original poster
letmeeatcrisps · 26/04/2023 15:40

ReadersD1gest · 26/04/2023 14:59

She's with her Dad. Why would she feel abandoned??

maybe abandoned is an extreme way of phrasing it but the longest she’s ever been away from me is 4 hours. Seven days feels like a huge step up. And we had no time to prepare for it or discuss it before she left at 6am today
at some point I imagine she’ll want to come home to me and DS but will be told “you have to wait until Wednesday” which may be a tough one for her… ~puts therapy hat on~ and ahh.. i suppose I’m the one who feels
abandoned right now !

OP posts:
5128gap · 26/04/2023 15:41

I'm sure there will be moments when she thinks of you, but they're very distractable at that age. It's a massive service you're doing her by letting her get used to being without you, and to learn that other trusted adults can care for her. It will do wonders for her confidence and stand her in good stead for any future times when you and she are apart. You've done a great job overcoming your own feelings to let her have this.

HairyKitty · 26/04/2023 15:42

Yes they should go but they must find a way that leaves you with the car
Or go in person to get passport

ReadersD1gest · 26/04/2023 15:43

Ah, she'll be fine, op. She'll have a whale of a time!

NerrSnerr · 26/04/2023 15:47

HairyKitty · 26/04/2023 15:42

Yes they should go but they must find a way that leaves you with the car
Or go in person to get passport

The OP can't drive. They are also now already in Spain.

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 26/04/2023 15:50

NerrSnerr · 26/04/2023 15:47

The OP can't drive. They are also now already in Spain.

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You're right she can't drive. But they aren't in Spain.

nomoredriving · 26/04/2023 16:00

Kickingupmerrybehaviour · 25/04/2023 22:09

@letmeeatcrisps No I wouldn’t let my three year old go. It’s too long to be away from her mother and amongst people she doesn’t know that well. I’d be concerned about parental abduction as well if you’re in his country.

Well if that's how you feel, I'm not sure why you had children with your DH.

Bloody mad!

Fandabedodgy · 26/04/2023 16:01

SaveMeFromForearms · 25/04/2023 21:01

I would just let them go and tell them to have a lovely time.

Me too.

nomoredriving · 26/04/2023 16:08

@letmeeatcrisps why would being at home with two children and no car be better than with one child?

How long is she going to be away from you when you return to work?

nomoredriving · 26/04/2023 16:12

HairyKitty · 26/04/2023 15:42

Yes they should go but they must find a way that leaves you with the car
Or go in person to get passport

The op can't drive

Sissynova · 26/04/2023 16:15

@letmeeatcrisps honestly this experience will be great for you in the long run! DD and DH will be so much closer after a full week together. You won’t be the default parent and that is a good thing. You don’t want it to be a case of ‘mummy knows best’ and therefore always having to do it all.

NerrSnerr · 26/04/2023 16:45

@50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself

At 14.54 today the OP said

they are in Spain now and she is loving it. I am enjoying spending time with DS.

nomoredriving · 26/04/2023 16:50

For people like @Redebs who think men are fucking useless parents, OP please come back and confirm that your DD was kept alive,

I'd hate to have such poor opinions of fathers as you @Redebs, it's really quite depressing.

And I call utter bullshit about the man on the pier, parent your own child and stop judging others.

nomoredriving · 26/04/2023 16:51

SaveMeFromForearms · 26/04/2023 13:41

You sound incredibly overbearing and controlling @Maray1967

So are we saying that only perfect parents are allowed to take their kids on solo trips then? Is the OP perfect? I doubt it.

Totally agree with this. So overbearing!!

PollyPeptide · 26/04/2023 17:00

She'll do loads of things with her dad's family who'll all be fussing over her and making sure she has a great time. But of course she'll miss you, op. You're her mum and she loves you. ❤

waterlego · 26/04/2023 17:10

Irrelevant now, but re the comments about fast-track passports: I’m pretty sure these aren’t available for children (because of abduction risk).

CheriseNuland · 26/04/2023 17:31

Another one for let them go. I think the biggest issue is that you will miss your DD. But that’s not a reason she shouldn’t go and enjoy spending time away with her father and extended family. It might be a really good opportunity for her to do that.

However I would remind DP not to put up with any inappropriate corrections/ criticisms from his family. Also there is a risk that she might start missing you badly after a few days but she’ll survive. You can FaceTime etc. You only learn from these things, it won’t be the end of the world and not letting her go could equally have negative results. Hopefully DP has a realistic sense of what the whole week involves.

marcopront · 26/04/2023 18:29

@50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself

You're right she can't drive. But they aren't in Spain.

Where are they?

Many you better contact the OP and tell her as she thinks they are in Spain

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