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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

DP wants to take DD3 to spain for a week without me

146 replies

letmeeatcrisps · 25/04/2023 20:55

this has all happened so quickly but we (me DP DD3 and DS1) were booked to fly to Spain tomorrow for SIL wedding on saturday
dp booked the flights but did not check the passport requirements and he has just realised DS1 can’t go
I’ve been told by DP and family the only option is he takes DD3 for the week.
this leaves me and DS1 stuck on our own in a rural location(i moved to DPs home country) with no family nearby and no car for a week
my DD is very sensitive and I hate the way my in laws talk to her - correcting her age appropriate speech impediments etc - I would definitely worry about her being made to feel a nuisance
am I overthinking it ? ?? I feel like everyone is putting SIL feelings about her wedding over the feelings of my DD
DD does not want to leave us but she has been told there is a swimming pool so she all excited and has her swimming costume and goggles on ready to go :(
AIBU? Should I let them go and try to enjoy doing less laundry for a week? Is it unfair for them to say her feelings are irrelevant ? They said “don’t ask her what she wants, she’s 3”
are my feelings valid here, that id rather she be informed and asked for her preference (I know she would choose to stay with me and her brother if the swimming pool hadn’t been mentioned)?
is it relevant that the wedding is a small ceremony only, “no gifts and no dressing up”, “for legal purposes only” so I don’t feel that bad about missing it?!?
pls don’t be too brutal I’m feeling really sad at the thought of saying goodbye tomorrow !!

OP posts:
Redebs · 26/04/2023 00:00

Dontbelieveaword · 25/04/2023 23:48

Can he brush her hair and bathe her? Will he change the bed? Have I missed a post where OP says DH is brain dead or doesn't have arms?
And if this was a woman taking her child to her sister's wedding abroad on her own, would we be questioning whether she would be allowed to have a glass of wine, or catch up with family and friends, or asking would she be staying up late and letting a stranger take care of DD or be looked after by various 'female" family members?
Honestly, where do these posters come from?

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The real world, sadly

user1473878824 · 26/04/2023 00:03

Sorry no you DD doesn’t get to decide, she’s THREE.

WhyCantYourPartnerDoIt · 26/04/2023 00:04

Redebs · 25/04/2023 23:59

I've seen lots of children parented lazily by fathers, especially when on holiday. They underestimate the level of vigilance needed to keep a small child safe, because there's usually a mum in the background with higher standards of care.

At Easter, I saw a guy with two little kids on the pier, letting them run off and stand on railings. When his partner appeared, he sheepishly called them away and started paying more attention.

Not all dads. Hence the first scenario.

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Nice try. You still look like an idiot who doesn’t understand that the majority of men love and can care for their children.

ChannelyourinnerElsa · 26/04/2023 00:15

What the fuck?
would you ask a father if he trusted the mother to change the bed and brush their kid’s hair?

this is madness.

anyway, OP. What is the problem here?
that you’ll be isolated?
that you don’t want dd to go?
that you don’t like your in laws?

and no. A 3 year old doesn’t decide. And the reason to keep her home needs to be better than “I’ll miss her and I want her with me”.

Original poster
letmeeatcrisps · 26/04/2023 00:26

ok thanks mumsnet I am relieved that most people would be totally ok with this
I think she will love it, as long as she gets enough affection to make up for me not being there , shes very adventurous and always enjoys flying with me to see my family
I didn’t realise ds would need a passport as frankly was preoccupied with my return to work and we fly all the time domestically so it didn’t really cross my mind

i find MIl and SIL bossy at the best of times - Did not like the assertion that this is the “only option” - and DP is difficult towards me but generally he is good with her
Although not quite as attentive as I am - and I have seen my fair share of inattentive dads at the playground etc so yes that can be a concern

-for those wondering, no i don’t drive, so yes am dependant on DP for lifts to town (1.5 miles away, I don’t really mind the walk but it can be a bit bleak to be so far out)

OP posts:
Original poster
letmeeatcrisps · 26/04/2023 00:37

Although I am not looking forward to being alone for seven days with just DS! There is a playgroup within walking distance on Fridays and maybe I could ask a friend to pop into us over the weekend but otherwise it will just be me and DS for an entire week, that is really quite daunting :(

OP posts:
NerrSnerr · 26/04/2023 07:25

I think there isn't really much of an option for this trip, it would surely be worse being left alone without transport with a 3 year old as well as she'd be climbing the walls.

Once your partner is back I think you need to start to think about finding a way to become more independent, whether that is driving, moving somewhere less rural or anything. There will probably be more trips away without you over the years, places you may need to get the children to when he is at work or somewhere (parties, activities etc).

Careerdilemma · 26/04/2023 07:39

Is the pool fenced? I would be concerned about a young child going to stay somewhere with a pool and an inattentive care giver

Can you and DS have your own holiday somewhere domestically so you have a nicer week too?

Confusion101 · 26/04/2023 08:14

@Careerdilemma she didn't say inattentive. She said not as attentive as her! And caregiver?? Its the child's father ffs!!!!

OP are you judging is attentiveness on what you have observed? Because it is different when both parents are there or if only one is. I think they will be fine. It will be lonely for you but plenty of guilt free 1 on 1 time with DS without worrying about DD getting jealous will be lovely (meant in the nicest way possible) 😊 MIL and SIL shouldn't have gotten involved and left it to you and DH to sort out but all will be fine!

Kensukesfifedom · 26/04/2023 08:17

Let her go!

It will be good for your dd and her dad to bond. I don't know why you'd keep her home.

This is all about you!

SaveMeFromForearms · 26/04/2023 10:01

Why does she need her dad's undivided attention when she's with her full extended family?

Honestly if this thread were the other way round...

lailamaria · 26/04/2023 10:57

this thread is bloody insane so we've gone from the father wanting to take his child to a wedding to see her relatives to him wanting to kidnapp her to him abandoning her to get drunk and palming her off to her relatives to letting her drown in a pool god the way mumsnet views fathers is disgusting

ReadersD1gest · 26/04/2023 11:01

SaveMeFromForearms · 26/04/2023 10:01

Why does she need her dad's undivided attention when she's with her full extended family?

Honestly if this thread were the other way round...

Well, quite... Quite natural that they'd want a bloody look in when they rarely see her 😂. Honestly!

ReadersD1gest · 26/04/2023 11:04

Redebs · 26/04/2023 00:00

The real world, sadly

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That's a shame for you. But it's not a universal experience. Or even the usual way of things.

Dontbelieveaword · 26/04/2023 11:09

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Oubliette86 · 26/04/2023 11:19

shes very adventurous and always enjoys flying with me to see my family

So you’ve flown more than once to your home country with DD - without DP - to see your family & that’s perfectly fine, but your DP doing more or less the same thing, isn’t?

EggInANest · 26/04/2023 11:20

Taxis, OP, taxis!

Or visit your family for the long weekend?

Invite people over.

Spend money on taxis.

And when DP is back, book driving lessons.

ReadersD1gest · 26/04/2023 11:21

Oubliette86 · 26/04/2023 11:19

shes very adventurous and always enjoys flying with me to see my family

So you’ve flown more than once to your home country with DD - without DP - to see your family & that’s perfectly fine, but your DP doing more or less the same thing, isn’t?

How did you do this without a passport for your ds, op? Confused

50percentNamaste50percentGoFuckYourself · 26/04/2023 11:54

Oubliette86 · 26/04/2023 11:19

shes very adventurous and always enjoys flying with me to see my family

So you’ve flown more than once to your home country with DD - without DP - to see your family & that’s perfectly fine, but your DP doing more or less the same thing, isn’t?

Did she leave him alone with a baby, unable to go anywhere, in a country that is not his own?
Very much not the same thing, in fact.

maranella · 26/04/2023 11:56

DH should go on his own - the DC stay at home with you.

NerrSnerr · 26/04/2023 12:00

maranella · 26/04/2023 11:56

DH should go on his own - the DC stay at home with you.

Why shouldn't the 3 year old go with her dad? If she stays home she'll be another one stuck at home without anywhere to go as she has no transport.

Nordicrain · 26/04/2023 12:03

I can't see any reason to not let your DH travel with your DD. He is her father and should be perfectly capable in standing up for her if required. It seems really petty to say that if you aren't going your DD can't go.

Maray1967 · 26/04/2023 12:11

SaveMeFromForearms · 25/04/2023 21:25

What about the dad? Is he a lesser parent who can't be trusted with his own child then? The OP can't/shouldn't unilaterally decide.

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It sounds like in this case he is the lesser parent - sounds like he has not challenged his parents’ comments on how their DD speaks.
I had the final say on where my DC went - always. No one overruled me - I would never have allowed it. I understand oOP’s point here because my PIL had form for not always being understanding of my two and DH was not initially good at stepping in - until I hit the roof. Too many men don’t say anything to their DM/DF.

Diorama1 · 26/04/2023 12:46

A lot of fathers show a total lack of vigilance around their children, I believe mothers in general are more vigilant. Sometimes it can be overprotectiveness though so it depends on how well he will care for the child. I would be concerned around water so would like to know what the deal is with the pool and be reassured he would watch her carefully around it.

I watch my children like a hawk around water and thankfully so as I would have had at least one and possibly two drownings or near drownings if I hadnt been watching (DS 3 without warning or comment took off his armbands and jumped into the pool which was well out of his depth - I nearly killed myself running and jumping in to save him :o)

ReadersD1gest · 26/04/2023 12:59

Maray1967 · 26/04/2023 12:11

It sounds like in this case he is the lesser parent - sounds like he has not challenged his parents’ comments on how their DD speaks.
I had the final say on where my DC went - always. No one overruled me - I would never have allowed it. I understand oOP’s point here because my PIL had form for not always being understanding of my two and DH was not initially good at stepping in - until I hit the roof. Too many men don’t say anything to their DM/DF.

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Very odd dynamic in your family...