To not want DH to go away on holiday for a week in the first month of our baby arriving?

[PineappleDance]

Hello,

Just wanted to know what other people make of this situation.

I’m expecting my first baby at the very end of July with DH. We’ve been together for 3.5 years. He has a DC from his first marriage, so I have a DSC, 11. We get on well even though they weren’t that happy to hear about our news, which is completely understandable as the baby will be their only sibling. It is a huge age gap. I have tried to be sensitive to their feelings about this.

Also, I am very supportive of them and DH spending quality time together - by themselves, as part of the wider family and so on. With the baby arriving I also encourage it as I want everyone to be happy and feel alright about things. I promise that’s not what this is about.

DH wants to take his DC away for one week in August to their family holiday home. No other family will be there - apart from possibly grandma (my DH’s mum). This happens every year, but for a longer, extended break usually. This is to give DC a break in the sun and to go to the beach, and so that they can see their summer friends (that have a house in the same area too)

DSC mother (DH’s ex wife) will also take DSC away on a separate trip away during the holidays (usually south of France). To date there have been loads of holidays abroad this year (3 since New Years and one next week with the school strike coming up)so it’s not like this is the only opportunity to go away for fun.

Am I wrong for feeling anxious and down about this proposal? To be left alone with a new born, if only for a week? I know single mothers cope with a lot more and do an amazing job, so I should be fine, but I feel quite resentful of my DH to think he’s even considering going away within the first month of our baby arriving. I’m planning for a traditional birth, but what if I have to have an emergency c-section, or there are other complications like our DS being unwell, or I have PND? It just doesn’t feel right to me.

DH has suggested that my mum come and stay with us for the week (we’re in London, she’s on the south coast but is only an hour away by train) but I don’t like this as solution for two reasons. Firstly, my mum and I aren’t that close and we don’t always see eye to eye. Secondly my parents are carers to my older disabled brother (albeit part time, but they’re always on call to provide cover if the care system has staff shortages). Doesn’t seem fair on any of them either.

DH and his DC will be going to the holiday home for the next half term break, most likely. And I have suggested they go again during the October half term break too so that DSC can go to the holiday home. But DH husband seems to be pushing a summer trip too as it will be high season and so the only time when her friends will be there (there’s two of them, a brother and sister). Can I say…I don’t give a damn. I want DS to be with his dad in the early weeks and in the first month at least.

I guess if he had a job that required a lot of travel abroad he would be expected to get back to this once paternity leave ends (probably not an entire week tho), so maybe I am beyond unreasonable…

It feels like someone is going to be short changed by however this plays out. Am I wrong for not wanting it to me and DS?

I don’t think it’s realistic for me and DS to join the trip as while it’s only to the Mediterranean, he won’t have had his jabs by then. Plus I’ll be figuring the whole motherhood thing out, flying sound a pain etc. so doesn’t seem practical…

Thanks for reading/ reading this far. I probably haven’t explained it very well.

Three foreign holidays since New Year's and more to come?! You must be millionaires or something, your husband could probably afford a nanny to help you out for the week?

I don’t feel guilty in the slightest even though I think I was being made to feel a tiny bit bad. Well I don’t.

You shouldn’t feel bad at all. Your DSD sounds like she gets way more holidays than the average child. And she’ll really enjoy having a friend with her in the October holiday.

Haha @TrishM80

This is the breakdown of trips so far this year:

DH and DSC went to his home country to see friends and family for New Years where they stayed with MIL (so it was 2022/23 - I couldn’t go, I had HG!)

DH and DSC went skiing during the half term break ( I was working so didn’t go)

DSC went with her mum to Cyprus, one week over Easter

DSC and mother are flying off to Greece today for a friend’s christening (or something) and back Monday. Taking the opportunity of the school strike.

So a fair few trips! The furthest I ever went on a family holiday as kid was to Northumberland! It was a good holiday TBF. Then again, most of my family were in the UK anyway.

Personal opinion (so no judgement on what others get up to with their breaks)but I think the school holidays are for being bored anyway - it fires up the imagination 🙂

Him leaving his newborn child is about as reasonable as you leaving for a week. In other words no. It's his child as much as yours and this child needs both parents whilst so tiny. It's mother is still recovering from child birth and the father needs to care for the mother and child when not working. Men thinking they are less responsible for a newborn suck.

DH has suggested that my mum come and stay with us for the week

Who does he think he is? He's the parent, not your Mum. So fed up of this and similar posts where some selfish sexist idiot of a husband decides its another woman's job to stand in for what he should be doing. You'd like to think he'd be so excited about baby that he'd want to be with you but alas, this clearly isn't the case. It doesn't bode well for the future.

But still OP, I hope your Mum can come and be with you for at least a few days. Don't seethe about this tho - have it out with your husband because he's way out of order. He has 2 DCs now so he'd better wise up and get used to it.

Did he go away when you had HG??? Fucking hell! He only thinks about himself, doesn’t he?

Speak about it calmly. Explain that your mother might not be able to make it and even if she could you don't want her there. That actually you'd prefer to have your dh there for support and that may need to be physical support as well as mental depending on the type of birth that you end up with. I'd also explain how disappointed you feel that he would choose go be away from his newborn in those first few weeks when it can be helped. He's moving from 1 child to 2 and needs to get a grip. The newborn will be no less important than his existing child and as your family dynamic changes his behaviour will need to as well.

If he doesn't see your point of view then he really isn't a keeper.

If you want DSC to accept baby then don’t let the first thing he remembers about its birth be that he missed out on a holiday with dad. It will always niggle however much he learns to love his new sibling.

The baby was born July, someone's resurrected an old thread.