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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want DH to go away on holiday for a week in the first month of our baby arriving?

109 replies

PineappleDance · 25/04/2023 17:16

Hello,

Just wanted to know what other people make of this situation.

I’m expecting my first baby at the very end of July with DH. We’ve been together for 3.5 years. He has a DC from his first marriage, so I have a DSC, 11. We get on well even though they weren’t that happy to hear about our news, which is completely understandable as the baby will be their only sibling. It is a huge age gap. I have tried to be sensitive to their feelings about this.

Also, I am very supportive of them and DH spending quality time together - by themselves, as part of the wider family and so on. With the baby arriving I also encourage it as I want everyone to be happy and feel alright about things. I promise that’s not what this is about.

DH wants to take his DC away for one week in August to their family holiday home. No other family will be there - apart from possibly grandma (my DH’s mum). This happens every year, but for a longer, extended break usually. This is to give DC a break in the sun and to go to the beach, and so that they can see their summer friends (that have a house in the same area too)

DSC mother (DH’s ex wife) will also take DSC away on a separate trip away during the holidays (usually south of France). To date there have been loads of holidays abroad this year (3 since New Years and one next week with the school strike coming up)so it’s not like this is the only opportunity to go away for fun.

Am I wrong for feeling anxious and down about this proposal? To be left alone with a new born, if only for a week? I know single mothers cope with a lot more and do an amazing job, so I should be fine, but I feel quite resentful of my DH to think he’s even considering going away within the first month of our baby arriving. I’m planning for a traditional birth, but what if I have to have an emergency c-section, or there are other complications like our DS being unwell, or I have PND? It just doesn’t feel right to me.

DH has suggested that my mum come and stay with us for the week (we’re in London, she’s on the south coast but is only an hour away by train) but I don’t like this as solution for two reasons. Firstly, my mum and I aren’t that close and we don’t always see eye to eye. Secondly my parents are carers to my older disabled brother (albeit part time, but they’re always on call to provide cover if the care system has staff shortages). Doesn’t seem fair on any of them either.

DH and his DC will be going to the holiday home for the next half term break, most likely. And I have suggested they go again during the October half term break too so that DSC can go to the holiday home. But DH husband seems to be pushing a summer trip too as it will be high season and so the only time when her friends will be there (there’s two of them, a brother and sister). Can I say…I don’t give a damn. I want DS to be with his dad in the early weeks and in the first month at least.

I guess if he had a job that required a lot of travel abroad he would be expected to get back to this once paternity leave ends (probably not an entire week tho), so maybe I am beyond unreasonable…

It feels like someone is going to be short changed by however this plays out. Am I wrong for not wanting it to me and DS?

I don’t think it’s realistic for me and DS to join the trip as while it’s only to the Mediterranean, he won’t have had his jabs by then. Plus I’ll be figuring the whole motherhood thing out, flying sound a pain etc. so doesn’t seem practical…

Thanks for reading/ reading this far. I probably haven’t explained it very well.

OP posts:
Original poster
PineappleDance · 25/04/2023 22:14

Putyourdamnshoeson · 25/04/2023 22:05

My parents booked a flight to visit us, for 2 weeks after my due date with my first child. I told them not to, as I might go over. Of course they did it anyway 'because women in our family are always early' we are not by the way. I certainly wasn't, with 14 days overdue, natural start, followed by emc. I was then in hospital for 3 days, with ward closed to all but spouses due to a bug or virus. So they only got to see us for a couple of days. It also meant that we didn't have the magical bonding time and I was trying to establish breastfeeding, around my parents, who are from a country with even lower rates than England.
Best laid plans and all. I was so tired I fell down the stairs holding the baby, luckily she was fine, I essentially held her like a student holds a pint when they fall.

I couldn't drive. I had no idea how much you bleed post partum. I got horrendous blues, which led to PND.

He's being an arse

Oh my goodness what an experience! Well done for getting through it and solidarity.

Hope you’re all great now.

OP posts:
Putyourdamnshoeson · 25/04/2023 22:18

@PineappleDance well, DC 2 was worse on his way out! But I don't want to put you off 😬
They're 11 and 13 now.
Point is, they're unpredictable little buggers and the first few weeks are HARD.

SoCunningYouCanStickATailOnItAndCallItAFox · 25/04/2023 22:18

It's a bad idea for him to plan this, because whilst many mums might be up and running on all cylinders at that stage... Many many more won't be up to flying solo at that point. There are so many unknowns for baby and mum that could affect how well things will be going at that stage.

To assume all will be well is naive, he should be managing the expectations of older child and keeping plans tentative at best and if he does want to go away should be keeping options open and making sure you have alternative support at the very least.

Grumpy34 · 25/04/2023 22:22

He's actually even a bigger twat than most because he's been through this before! He knows how demanding a newborn is and how hard it is for the mother. Sounds like he just wants to get away from that! Alone at the seaside with an 11 year old or stay home with non sleeping newborn and shattered wife? Arsehole.

Luredbyapomegranate · 25/04/2023 22:22

Good grief - no. They can go in October. Your DSS mum is taking him away in the holidays so he’s getting his summer break.

Original poster
PineappleDance · 25/04/2023 22:23

@Putyourdamnshoeson

They're 11 and 13 now.

Aw lovely ages 😊

OP posts:
Pallisers · 25/04/2023 22:26

I went two weeks over with my first (and then was induced). You could be 2 weeks postpartum with a 2 week old when he heads off on his hols. That is madness.

Plus you have no idea how things will go - yeah sure it will probably all be fine and baby will be great but what if you are not fine. what if baby needs a few follow up appointments.

This is madness.

And finally ... like a pp said he should WANT to be with you and his new baby. When my sister had her first baby me and dh were due to go away for a few days (about 2 hours drive away). We visited and then went off. The next day we drove back for the day because I so desperately wanted to see that baby again. And that was my niece not my own child.

USaYwHatNow · 25/04/2023 22:43

He's being a dick. I'm a midwife and ended up with pre eclampsia, hospital bound for 3 weeks prior to being induced. My husband was flown home (military) to be with me. Up until that point I'd been on my own for the whole 8 months, living my best, independent life, bossing juggling working full time, running the house and remembering to tend to the pets 😂 as soon as our baby was born (thankfully husband made it back in time) I was an emotional, hormonal, needy, clingy wreck. Wouldn't let my husband leave the night baby was born-begged him to sleep in the sweaty leather chair next to the bed, which he did. Baby had jaundice, so we had to stay in for about 3 days. When we got home, I questioned and panicked over everything. Didn't leave the house for a week, and even then I could only manage a walk round the block and back. My blood pressure tablets made so woozy I fainted a couple of times, once I was holding the baby and managed to pass him off to my mum as I went down. And that was after a 4 hour labour, ventouse delivery and run of the mill blood loss. There's so many variables and you have no idea how you'll cope when baby is here (hopefully well) so you need as much support as you can.

abmac95 · 25/04/2023 23:01

Botw1 · 25/04/2023 17:30

Why can't you go with them?

Doubt they would be able to get a passport for the baby so quick?

iontheprize · 25/04/2023 23:04

just to echo what others are saying that you don't know where you will be at that point. Maybe the baby will come early and you will be on a roll by the time the holiday comes (why aren't you invite then?) or maybe the baby will be late (mine were 3 weeks and 2.5 weeks late!) and you may be all over the place.

And while what a poster said below is true - those first few weeks are HARD - they are also MAGICAL and beautiful and its a time for the three of you to spend together bonding as a new family (or 4+ if you the step family is open to being part of it)

abmac95 · 25/04/2023 23:05

Are relations with his ex good? If so could you perhaps suggest that his ex take his DD to the family summer house? If no one else will be there it wouldn't be weird. Or as others have said can the grandmother not take his Dd alone? YANBU to want your husband to there for you and his new child.

Codlingmoths · 25/04/2023 23:10

This would be an over my cold
dead body scenario. I have insisted my dh take 3 weeks off when baby was born and was still terrified that first day he went back to work. dss can have his usual contact time staying in your home like all siblings of a newborn, your partner is baby's dad not a casual friend generously helping out.

CatsTheWayToDoIt · 25/04/2023 23:13

It doesn’t sound like he’s planning this from a bad place, indeed it’s encouraging he’s so keen to be a good dad to his oldest. But no way in hell!!! He must have forgotten what it’s like having a newborn. Under a month he’ll need to be hands on looking after you!! He’s the experienced one. Completely ok to put your foot down and insist he doesn’t do this - he’ll thank you for in when you are in the trenches together. This isn’t you being unreasonable, you need to stand your ground (but nicely, as it’s actually lovely that he’s trying to be a good dad, he’s just got mixed up about what that means as a dad of two!)

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 25/04/2023 23:16

A more pressing question to ask him is why would he want to be away from his newborn baby and partner?

Clymene · 25/04/2023 23:19

Strictlyfanoftenyears · 25/04/2023 23:16

A more pressing question to ask him is why would he want to be away from his newborn baby and partner?

Yes, quite.

Honestly, this is very odd and quite worrying that he seems to be treating this as your baby. While it's admirable that he's not dumped his daughter for his new relationship as so many men do, you're his wife. You're having his child. And at this point in time you should be his priority.

Puppyseahorse · 25/04/2023 23:28

Is he feeling guilty about the new baby so he’s over-compensating with his DC? You read about that sort of dynamic quite a lot on here.

if so, best to have a very open conversation and get ahead of that, now.

I agree YADNBU.

Milkand2sugarsplease · 25/04/2023 23:31

I hope you've told him that it's a firm no, non-negotiable and absolutely not going to happen!!!

ForTheSakeOfThePenguin · 25/04/2023 23:34

LaLaLouella · 25/04/2023 17:19

Leaving you alone with a tiny newborn for a week so he can have a holiday in the sun with his son?

Fuck that shit - you need him with you to look after his baby, and possibly you!

He and His DS can go on holiday for a week in the October half term holiday.

This

Ilovetea42 · 25/04/2023 23:37

No. He needs to be there to support you. He also needs to be setting dsc up with reasonable expectations and boundaries now so it's not a shock to their system when baby arrives. There are plenty of ways he could spend quality time with dsc without it involving an entire week away from his newborn. Hopefully everything will go smoothly for you but you've no idea how you'll feel after and it's not reasonable for him to leave you. I had a section and my dh was back to work after 2 weeks because he wasn't allowed to take any longer. My mum had to come and stay and I ended up pulling stitches 4 wks in because I was trying to lift ds car seat onto the pram base the first day I was on my own. He could do a day trip with dsc or afternoons out etc but he cannot opt out of responsibilities for his other child for a week when he should be looking after you and bonding. I'd also suggest that dsc will need time to adjust and bond with baby too and if they aren't around baby how does he propose to encourage that.

whynotwhatknot · 25/04/2023 23:56

he can go in the half term-its just ridiculous to even think about doing this

what happens if the baby is late and not here yet would he still go

Geppili · 26/04/2023 00:00

Completely unacceptable.

OctopusComplex · 26/04/2023 00:04

So, essentially, he’s leaving you to it, so that his DSC doesn’t miss out on seeing a friend?

mm.

4plusthehound · 26/04/2023 00:07

Horrible OP.

ButterCrackers · 26/04/2023 00:15

It sounds like he can afford to pay for day and night home help for you and your newborn. You should not have to struggle whilst he’s on a family holiday.

determinedtomakethiswork · 26/04/2023 01:06

Ask him whether he would have left his first child to go on holiday.